my happy post

i rarely feel the need to blog when i'm happy, usually i have to be stressed or extremely annoyed or disappointed in society or just generally sad but today let me just tell you what's right

what's right is that there's a lady named barbara at the nursing home who is blind but has a precious soul and i like to hear her play piano, and i have a for real valentine this year who was well worth waiting for, and my family is hilarious and insightful but mostly hilarious such as this scene which I must share

Haley: "Pepper (our adorable shih tzu), you're everything I've ever wanted in a man. You're handsome, brave, loyal..."

Mom: "Short and hairy?"

*exploding laughter from me and mom for about 5 minutes*

also I really really love this song 

and my hair is just the right amount of curly finally so i am just happy in general

:)

book

i'm going to write a book one day. and it won't be an autobiography because i'm way too boring but it won't be completely fictional because those are only read for fun and i want people to sit up at night reading this book, miss meals and disregard their friends and be so enveloped by it that they can't rest until they've read every word and probably cry a lot and laugh a lot and probably half the time they won't even know what in the world i'm talking about but they'll love to read it anyway

i hope it's one of those books that people will study in their youth groups and pass around their book clubs and give to their daughters and granddaughters for christmas. i hope it makes people listen louder and speak a little softer, i hope it draws them to the sunrise early in the morning and to their bibles late at night when the world is quiet. i hope somebody will write a song about it or paint a picture about it or pray a special prayer because of that book. i hope somebody will let go a little easier or hold on through the fiercest storm. i hope it makes people care about something more than they've ever cared about anything in their lives. i hope it makes them live loud and love deep.

i think i overestimate myself. i get so frustrated with life because i think that i should be doing something more influential and dramatic than completing my senior year of high school in small town alabama but maybe i will always be searching for something bigger. i want to be big. i am so little.

i like to think that God gave me this special anxiety because He has something planned. something in my timeline that will fulfill my enormous desire for change and passionate living and influence, i can sense it but can't see it. or maybe while i'm on earth i will always be small. maybe i will only be big to the people i keep close, maybe i will be big to my children one day. maybe if i work hard enough God will even let me be big for Him like brave women who turn the world upside down

i have so many dreams and maybe i'm a little reckless or maybe i'm just homesick for somewhere i still haven't found yet, but when i do i'll know it and i'll probably write a book about it

apathy

i'll tell you right now what is poisoning the minds of young people and old people and white people and black people and rich people and poor people you wanna know what it is? APATHY. that's it. it's all about apathy. failing and cheating and stealing and lying and the usual do-nothing-ness is all apathy. i wish i could just stuff some CARE into the brain of every young person. just fill it with a lot of CARE. it doesn't even matter to me what it is, just care about something. care about trees or care about your momma or care about God like i wish everyone would but just stop not caring about anything at all, ever, period. and stop doing things we hate. why do we do the things we hate? when we have a maximum 100 years to live on this earth why in the world would we do anything we absolutely hate when there are a million other things to try that we might love? stop sitting in the desk or on the church pew or on the football field or band field or wherever you go all the time if you don't CARE about it. because for the people that do care it's a very big discouragement to be surrounded by those who don't.

i care about a lot of things and i care about people who don't care and i just want you to know that for pete's sake, there ARE beautiful things in life and things become infinitely more enjoyable if you will just give them a chance. i promise school is bearable when you try not to fail, it can actually be quite pleasant sometimes and sitting on a church pew might be boring but worshipping God with all your heart in spirit and in truth surely isn't. and if you hate band or you hate football or you hate everything about your life, then quit what you're doing and do something you love because you only get one chance at this thing and you might as well give it the best shot you've got

hruoferngheruhoiuerhgoreughnoera i'm done.

gullible

i'm really gullible. i wish i wasn't like that. it hurts sometimes.

today i went shopping with the beautiful melissa clevenger and it's the most fun i've had in a very long time.

i would expand on both these topics if i had more time

my summer projects:

1. paint

2. read books

3. make friends

4. don't be gullible

5. become more philosophical

6. understand poetry better than i do right now

7. fall deeper in love with my family

8. fall deeper in love with God

9. collect my grandfather's stories

10. learn to do something i don't know how to do right now

oh yeah, and blog less.

a fixed idea

What torture lurks within a single thought   

When grown too constant; and however kind,   

However welcome still, the weary mind

Aches with its presence. Dull remembrance taught   

Remembers on unceasingly; unsought   

The old delight is with us but to find   

That all recurring joy is pain refined,   

Become a habit, and we struggle, caught.   

You lie upon my heart as on a nest,   

Folded in peace, for you can never know   

How crushed I am with having you at rest   

Heavy upon my life. I love you so

You bind my freedom from its rightful quest.   

In mercy lift your drooping wings and go

-amy lowell

beautiful words of the english language:

Effervescent

Evanescent

Quintessential

Wherewithal

"Happiness manifests itself through one act- smiling."

- kyle abernathy

sometimes

sometimes people change, and sometimes they will never change. sometimes the person you know may be an illusion, a pretense. sometimes we fail to see past imperfections and appreciate the beauty in everyone's character. isn't there beauty in everyone? maybe that's an idea rejected by most. sometimes first impressions are correct, but what if they are? is a rude person any less of a person? should we intentionally avoid anyone because of a first impression... what if they need that love? what if it's the only love they'll ever receive? but, of course, there's a time to believe and a time to be realistic, and sometimes people won't care and you can't make them. at that point your heart is the one that suffers the most ache, when you want so much to save someone from himself, but they refuse to see any problem arising until they are drowning and you cannot reach. but sometimes you have to hurt before you can learn, and how can we shun everyone who has ever disappointed us? who would we have left? we're all so very human, and without imperfect friends we would have no friends at all.

and sometimes, i'm the one that's changing. laughing a little louder and letting go a little easier. and maybe that's made all the difference.
maybe i'm growing up and i don't even realize it.
i wonder if anyone else's stream of consciousness is as confused as mine is.

to breathe

i need fresh air and long expanses of nothingness. to think about nothing and feel obligated to be nothing and do nothing. i need to feel unrestrained and not judged. i need freedom. i need less drama. i need more dreaming and bliss and less worrying. i need to feel comfortable. i need to not feel tied down. i need to not feel completely responsible for another person's happiness. i need to not feel dependent on one single person for happiness unless that person is God. i need more space. i need to not feel vulnerable. i need to remember how to be happy and optimistic and smiley

i want to be best friends with my nannie

i want to go all the way around the world because i can

i want to see Jesus

i want to be a good Samaritan

i want to laugh embarrassingly loud

i want to tell a complete stranger that Jesus loves them

i want to be the girl that people are proud of

i want to exercise the right to smile


... this is right. i'm already breathing easier

mobile, myrtle beach, parrot mountain, gatlinburg... i want to run away to you. i breathe better with you.

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

valentine

It has been brought to my attention that I don't have a boyfriend. Which I was aware of.
It has also been brought to my attention (by someone that I love to death) that I don't have a boyfriend because every time I meet someone I really enjoy being around, I become their best friend instead. And then I feel like we're too close of friends for it to be anything more.
Yeah... talk about a punch in the stomach. Because it's totally true.

I was going to vent. But then this would turn into some average melodramatic teen blog where the girl seems to feel that she is the only being on the planet and that she's miserable and lonely and being single is the worst curse anyone could ever have. And I'm not gonna do that, because I like to think there's a bigger picture that I can focus on. Me being single < starving children all over the world. Me being lonely sometimes < losing someone I love. Me having two guy best friends > me having no friends at all. And then being single doesn't seem so bad.

I really want to be loved one day. Get married and have four kids and a great dane with an oxymoronic name (such as Tiny) and a big front porch and a library and a husband to play guitar and sing for me. But I'm not spazzing out because I don't have that yet, nor anything close to it.
I've got a life to live, there's no need to think that every good thing has to happen all at once. I have a lot of good things now and I'll be blessed with many good things to come. God knows what plans He has for me.

Even while I'm trying to throw all these optimistic punches at my bad mood sometimes the truth leaks through. It's scary to think that maybe I push people away. Maybe I'm so afraid of the word love that I overuse it in the friend sense and that way it won't surprise me and that person will already be used to the idea, and so I'm in friend zone forever and ever. Because apparently once you become such good friends with someone, you can't be anything other than just that- best friends. That's my completely illogical way of thinking, anyway. But maybe it's not an accident. Maybe it's a subconscious defense to being hurt/being the hurter. I hate the last one most of all.

I feel completely ridiculous. But I wouldn't be an honest blogger if I didn't express these worries, and what kind of blogger does that make me? The sugar coating kind. The kind who doesn't want anyone to think she has a kink in her self-esteem.

I WORRY ABOUT NEVER GETTING MARRIED

There. But I'm a teenage girl. We're allowed. It's our privilege.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna go around and sulk all the time because I don't have a boyfriend. It means sometimes I think. I ponder things.
But I can still be a happy gal.
Letting one person control our happiness is a scary situation in and of itself. Trust me.
Maybe I should skip on to something cute.

I received one valentine present from Tyler aka best friend and he's a frog and his name is Clyde. I love both of them, a whole lot

this feeling

I'm not good at pushing away sadness when I'm supposed to be happy. But thankfully very recently (yesterday) I finally learned something very important, that emotions are not sin. We can't help the way we feel, and so being angry or feeling doubt or worry or sadness is not wrong. God gave us our emotions, they are responses to our everyday lives. God doesn't judge us by how we feel but how we act upon our feeelings. Actions are what makes the difference. So I can feel sad and it's okay, but I need to try to take actions that are best for me and those around me. Which is to be encouraging and optimistic and try to not bring everyone else down with my poopy mood.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.

excitement

I don't think I've ever been this excited over pretty much EVERYTHING
WEEKEND WEEKEND WEEKEND!
LOCK-IN CHRISTIANS GOD SINGING WEEKEND!
I don't know why I have recently resorted to quoting songs and books for the main substance of my blogs but this is just hilarious
from House Rules, by Jodi Picoult

"I'm feeling pretty good, because this Friday, I won my case against the pig.
Okay, so technically, the pig was not the one who filed the lawsuit. That honor belongs to Buff (short for Buffalo, and I swear I am not making this up) Wings, a three-hundred-pound motorcyclist who was riding his vintage Harley down a road in Shelburne when a gigantic rogue pig wandered off the side of the road and directly into his path. As a result of the accident, Mr. Wings lost an eye - something he showed the jury at one point, by lidting up his black satin patch, which of course I objected to.
*skip several paragraphs*
Then I ran down the stairs to the parking lot, punching my fist in the air.
I have a hundred percent success rate in my litigation.
So what if I've only had one case?"

I think I laughed for a straight 5 minutes uncontrollably, and I do not know why I even found that funny but I found it absolutely knee-slappin hilarious
It completely screams Cherokee County Alabama to me, which is sad
Once I toured the 911 dispatching center which is underneath the county jail (I was considerably freaked out by that) with some other students who were part of a youth leadership program at school. They received a call and I was suddenly on edge because someone was reporting a crime! and that's supposed to be exciting right? No, the guy called because "his white hawse is done been chased round this house blame 10 times by some blankety blankin dog" and suddenly I was like wow, this became considerably less cool of a job because I'd have to deal with that all day. But I do like life out in the country, it's so much more beautiful than anywhere else you can go (trust me, I've been to New York and the prettiest thing you see out your window is a pretty boy if you get lucky, but there's no way he'll notice you because he has headphones in and he's determined to get where he's going with the least distractions possible, and everything else is just dank and bleak and nasty and not pretty at all, unless you hit a nice tourist spot), and I don't think I would like to live anywhere else honestly. Given I'd love to visit Italy and Greece but I can handle being a Southern gal forever.

I don't have much to talk about, I'd much rather be reading. If I keep on with these random blog posts January is gonna have more than any other month combined.

life is beautiful

Life won't always go your way

And that won't ever change

But you'll find blessings in the clouds 

And you'll find mercy in the rain 

And you'll have heartache down the road 

And tears shed from a broken soul 

But joy will seek you out and give you hope 

Like candles' lights in darkened rooms 

And how you sacrifice and try to make things right 

Is the whole world happy but you 

But hungry children cry while thirsty siblings die 

How did this life become so cruel 

And then the questions come and rare are answers known 

But this is still worth pushing through 

Cause every smile shown 

And Every laughing moment 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

And I am guilty just like you 

And I will never save myself 

And all my formulas and secret recipes 

Will never take away the pain 

But I'll find healing in His wounds 

And I'll find warmth in lover's eyes 

Cause every drop of blood 

And every tear that's cried 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

Confirms that we are beautiful 

Confirms that you are beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

With you

- The Icarus Account

thoughts

It's beautiful outside and I love life and I love family and I love drinking coffee and watching the snow coat the lawn.

I can't wait to have a house and a family someday. Even though that is such a sobering thought because I'm going to be in charge of at least four more little lives besides my own (five if you include my Great Dane). It's scary but also extremely exciting. My house is going to be decorated to the max for every single season. Especially Christmas time makes me think about this because I just love going into houses where the Christmas spirit absolutely envelops you and you just feel so jolly. I think decorating my house is going to be one of the most fun things about being an adult. We will have a huge Christmas tree and every year we will add an ornament for every child and they'll each have their own stockings hanging from the mantle. I want everything to match from the dish towels to the place mats on the table. I wanna be "that mother" who records every single moment of their kids lives and even though it drives them absolutely crazy at the time, when they get to be a teenager they will appreciate it, if they're anything like me. I know I should be enjoying the here and now but I just can't help but be excited. Adult life really excites me, if you haven't noticed already.

I love birds. I think they are probably my favorite animal (notice I didn't say pet). They're so beautiful to watch in the open air but having one in my room... I'm pretty sure I would want to kill it after like a day. The other day I was at the tennis courts and all of a sudden from the trees there comes this flood of birds and they all fly over the court and cover the ENTIRE sky. Like seriously all I could see were black birds. And then they just formed this nice little V and I watched them fly away. That whole experience just screamed the existence of God to me. I think that's so convicting to see such beautiful masterpieces in nature like a bird's nature to fly together. It's probably one of the most convicting things to me along with the human body. I can't deny God's hand in that. Which is why sometimes I find it hard to try to convince people there is a God because if that doesn't speak to you and say there is a creator then I don't think many things will.

this only shows some of the birds I saw. i couldn't fit them all in one picture. they cover the entire lawn.

I just sang Haley's song to her and I got EXACTLY the reaction I was hoping for which is her jumping up and down and hugging me, and I'm just so thankful that she's so happy (to view Haley's song go here http://shaunablake.blogspot.com/2010/12/sister.html) I know I'm not a legit songwriter and I probably didn't express all my thoughts exactly right or in an eloquent way but I hope she at least got the message that she is beautiful and I love her. 

I cannot adequately express to you how much I hate pessimism. It just grieves my soul within to talk to someone who is looking on the bad side of things. Especially when it's ALL the time. Pessimistic people are never happy. I heard a story in a teen book in bible class about a vulture and a hummingbird. I guess you wouldn't really call it a story, more of a life situation. The vulture seeks the dead. He searches all over the earth for things that are decaying and rotten. But the hummingbird looks for flowers and sweet nectar. He searches for things that are blooming and living and giving new life. And in each situation, both get exactly what they are looking for.

So I took this as if I'm always searching for the negative aspects of life then negative results is the only thing I will reap out of that.

I really love optimism. I figure that since we each have a right to dictate our own emotions that means we all have a right to be happy. All the time. And you may be thinking that we really can't control our emotions which is also true. I should have phrased that better... What I mean is, we can do with our emotions what we want. Just because we're angry doesn't mean we have to go punch a wall or punch a face. Being annoyed doesn't mean we have to lash out and be rude to people. So if a situation turns bad and we're upset about it... well, I guess what I mean is, we don't have to dwell on the negative parts of the situation. We can control our thoughts even though we can't control our emotions, and by changing our thoughts (our outlook) we are in term really changing our mood and our emotions. And we can do this because happy isn't an "it". It doesn't depend on the things you possess or a perfect place you are in, or even a person that you love. "Happy" doesn't have to end when you get dumped by your boyfriend, betrayed by a close friend, burn your house down, break every bone in your body, or anything else horrible that you can think of. It doesn't have to end because it isn't dictated by material, earthly things. "Happy" is a conscious decision that we make to be content in every situation that we are in. Now believe me, I am NOT an expert at this and I am just as susceptible to complaining as anyone else when I'm put in a bad situation. Because I make mistakes and sometimes I forget that I can be happy regardless. But there's a difference in falling off the wagon and jumping off the wagon pulling everyone else off with you and pushing it off a cliff on a regular basis (Lieutenant Flynn said something to that effect on Closer last night and I really liked it, even though he was not talking about optimism but I believe the rule applies anyway). You don't have to look on the bad side ALL THE TIME. I just can't imagine how people can stand that. You would never ever be content with anything and that just sounds like misery to me.

That's the end of my rant and now my thoughts have ceased for now.

goofy

I've decided that I have absolutely no desire in life to be average/normal/predictable. How boring is that? Never bringing any new ideas, never doing anything outside the mold. I don't want people to think about me when I'm gone and think "wow, that sure was a great girl. She never did anything to break away, always trying to please the majority. She was a real follower." Uhm no. That's a life wasted.

I'm really really really thankful for the opportunity to be goofy. It's one that I believe more people should take advantage of. Don't take life so seriously. It's gonna end up killing us all, so don't live in fear of it. Be yourself. Be crazy. Dance around.

Okay, right now. Take the absolute most hideous picture of yourself that is possible. It's for you. Come on, just do it. No, you aren't too cool. That's right. Squint your eyes. Stick your tongue out in an unladylike/ungentlemanlike fashion. Don't worry, it's allowed. Now click.

(By the way, how is unladylike a word but ungentlemanlike not a word? Are men are never scrutinized for not acting like gentlemen? Does anyone in our generation even know what a gentleman is anymore? This is quite a sad little revelation I have uncovered.)

Looking back there are a lot of situations in life that I wish I could relive, and have more fun. I could have been that person that cracked a joke and put everyone else at ease. I could have been the optimist. But sometimes I forget that I'm allowed to have fun in bad situations. But it's legal, trust me.

I think I'll start a new routine of inserting silly comments in bad situations. :) This could be potentially annoying but who cares. If you're gonna be a sour puss then you will be a sour puss regardless of whether I approach the situation happily or not.

ALSO I sent in my first college application today! Yes, I am definitely a junior in high school still. Unfortunately. But it was free and Whitney my admissions counselor from Freed said I should apply early, and so I did. I love Freed-Hardeman University. It's such a wonderful Christian atmosphere... I feel like when I'm there every day is camp, which= every day being an enormous powerboost to serve God. I would love to have 4 years of that.
BUT I would also love to go to UA. They have the Million Dollar Band and football and an accredited Journalism and Public Relations program, one of the highest ranked in the nation...
I'm glad I don't have to make this decision right now, because I have no clue what I would do.
I want to put God first and go to Freed but I can also have a strong church family at UA plus more evangelistic opportunities with nonChristians, so I'm not sure if that's putting God first or putting comfort first. I think I could serve God in either environment but the spiritual basis of Freed is just extremely attractive... I have no idea. I'm a mess.
BUT it's all gonna work out for the best. College searches are supposed to be fun, not stressful, and although I am known to be a compulsive stresser I have made the decision to abstain from that, especially in this period of my life which is already high-stress as it is.

I think my thoughts have halted for now. I'm gonna go read, nighty night.

e.e. cummings

Last year our class was assigned a packet of poetry which we had to analyze. One author was E.E. Cummings.

I absolutely, positively hated E.E. Cummings. Nothing made sense and everything was unrhymed and unmetered and senseless and pointless.

Even now, I'm pretty sure that I still don't truly understand the purpose of poetry. It's like taking something you want to say and hiding it, like giving a gift but putting it into the deepest depths of the sea to see who is  passionate enough to dive in for it.

I always believed that if you wanted to say something, you could say it the way you mean it. Sing about it. Write about it. 

But I suppose each of us has his or her own way of expressing emotions that is precious to them.

Mine would be books. Music. Lyrics and without, simply orchestral melodies that paint a picture.

And some people seem to love sitting and staring between the lines of poems to find the deeper meaning.

Personally, I do not, but if you do then don't let anyone take that away from you.

I like to think of myself as being intellectual. I can figure things out and solve problems. But I'm also very simplistic in some ways. I'm not good at searching for the undercurrents of writing, all the foreshadowing and symbolism and secretive things. I like the message to hit me in the face so I can be sure I don't miss it. That's why I want to go into journalism and not prose or poetry. It's simplistic, to the point, and true. And it always means something.

But back to my original thought that gave way to all that thought vomit- I finally found a quote by E.E. Cummings that's clear as day and I don't feel as though I'm missing something.

"I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes."

I love that.

Today is such an amazing day.

chameleon

Everything about this week has been beautiful. And today was the perfect example, because everything about it was just absolutely perfect and I smiled a lot and worried a lot less. God is providing for me and I can't thank Him enough.

I don't have enough thoughts for a very long post, but today I went shopping for little boy's underwear and nascar and spent over an hour in Subway listening to Chuck Norris jokes and interrupting stories obnoxiously just because. It was the most fun I've had in a very long time.

This will probably consist of a series of random thoughts considering I don't have the brain power nor the motivation to expand upon each of these topics. Maybe at a later date.

I realized today how easy and hard it is to break the mold of your daily routine. One single step changes your entire day. It puts you around different people, in a different environment. A better one. And I know it will get easier and easier to make that first step towards a better environment for myself. I'm very proud.
I strongly believe in the natural tendency of humans to follow instead of lead. It's true for teenagers just as it is true for adults as well. It's much easier to conform to the environment that you are in, like a chameleon, rather than define your personality and moral values and stay true to yourself at all costs. A leader. Different. I believe this is an abnormal perspective but that is alright with me because the idea of abnormal ideas sort of attracts me. But being one person is actually much harder than being whoever you need to be depending on the situation. For instance, a teenager put into a room with 5 year olds will (hopefully) not be compelled to formulate sentences with the f bomb being used to describe things that don't even make sense. However, that same teenager put into a crowd of people that constantly use profanity such as that will be compelled to do so, to conform, to feel like they belong. I believe this comes from the desire to follow the "majority" rather than having only one person to follow, at all costs, at all times, never wavering. For me that person should be Christ. I say should be, because I'm human and although I am never compelled to use profanity because I find it completely useless, I do find it very easy to become a gossiper when surrounded by gossipers. To become a cheater when everyone else is doing it. To laugh at dirty jokes when I'm surrounded by laughing people. To become pessimistic when all I hear are pessimistic comments. A complainer. A condescender. A judger. A boaster. If I really want to be consistent, I cannot be a follower of man, because man is unstable. He is a chameleon, ever changing to fit the mold of the majority. There is only one Rock, the solid foundation that is unwavering and never changing. If I want to be consistent, the only one I can truly count on is Christ. If I'm always looking to be Christ-like instead of a crowd pleaser, then I will be better equiped to withstand temptation when I happen to be in an unChristlike environment. Unfortunately, I cannot always do so, so the best thing in my opinion is to not associate myself with groups of people that tempt me to do wrong. But this requires work, being abnormal, being different. Breaking away from the majority and seeking a minority group of friends that will help me stay pure. It isn't gonna be easy. But it's right, and I'm excited to see what happens.

That random thought lasted much longer than I had originally expected.

Tonight I drank hot tea because I thought I would have to pull an all-nighter to not kill my history grade on a test tomorrow.
However the test has been postponed, yet another way I have been blessed with the most amazing day that keeps getting better!
I feel bad because earlier when I was at the gospel meeting, I was thinking about how badly I needed to study and how busy my day had been and how worried I was. That was a very wrong mindset to have.
And now look what happened. I didn't have a single thing to worry over. I should have been paying closer attention and not worrying about things of tomorrow. It's like God's providence telling me that my worrying is of no benefit to me. I strongly believe in the providencial power of God. He works in so many ways I will never understand.

I'm reading a book entitled The Beach House by Mary Alice Monroe. It's required for school which means I should hate it but I completely don't. Long novels take such a long time but I know when I finally get to the end I'm going to fall in love with every page over again. It's about a girl who moves away from her Southern family as soon as she turns 18, leaving her fragile mother and intractable brother with her abusive father who, on her way out the door, promises that he will not care for her a bit if she chooses to leave. She does, and one day she comes back home. Old, unmarried, unemployed, back from Chicago to visit her mother who is inconspicuously dying before her eyes. It reminds me of The Last Song except they didn't make a corny movie with Miley Cyrus. Although the boy was pretty, I must admit.

I have no idea why I just summarized the first 120 pages of that book but at any rate I just like it a lot. I have a week to read the other 300 pages so I should probably get on the ball.

Back up 2 paragraphs because I should end with that... God is so so good. And sometimes I don't realize how truly great God is, until out of darkness there comes something beautiful. Out of a horrible situation there is a light at the end, a way of escape. I'm so blessed.

beginning

Today was... well, indescribable. I can't perfectly explain all the perfect assets which made it one of the greatest days ever. It simply was, and there's no denying that God's hand was at work every minute.

That's why I'm making a change. Beginning with this blog.

Maybe you paid attention and noted that on the little tabby thing below your task bar where it used to say "photographs and memories" (a name derived from a song by Jason Reeves, whose lyrics just so happen to describe my every emotion in perfect clarity; however this title had no special significance at the time, other than the fact that it's a beautiful song and the name sort of had a nice ring to it so I picked it but now I've begun an era of deep thinking), I have hereby changed the name of this blog to "on wings". Forever and ever. Because it isn't about me or my life or my problems (actually it is. my posts usually are silly irrelevant stories or thoughts that I wanted to let loose out of my brain, but stating it this way helps me to better understand the big picture). It really shouldn't be all about me. If I'm striving to be a godly influence with every aspect of my daily life, then this blog should be about the reader. It should be about maybe, hopefully, touching someone. Helping someone. It should be about the souls.

Yesterday I heard a song entitled "Something Beautiful" by needtobreathe.

The very first time I heard this song, I experienced every emotion. I wanted to laugh and cry; I was awestruck at this simple message which describes me, and probably all of us, in such great clarity.
We all want to experience something in our lives that truly takes our breath away, and captures us. We want that natural contentment that comes from true and explicit happiness. We want to love and be loved effortlessly and perfectly.
 In the video you'll a diverse collection of scenes which the fans saw as truly beautiful. They range from an aged couple still smiling in their perfect companionship, a blond angel swinging on a swing, and a spunky girl running from the safe beach into the oncoming tide. She is completely unafraid and yet her exhilarated heart tells her she is truly terrified. But she keeps running.

Tonight I also saw something beautiful. I saw the marvelous, powerful and perfect gospel of God working in the lives of young people. I saw a large audience take hold of truth and let it take hold of their hearts. I saw a young man in humble repentance, admitting that he was imperfect, letting the tide of relief and forgiveness wash over him, both unafraid and terrified but set free by God's abiding love. That's what makes life beautiful. God's grace makes life beautiful.
In every young child there is an image of God in their innocent faces and forgiving hearts. Every feeling of love that we have is a blessing from God above. The skies which so masterfully paint a beautiful picture overhead are a gift from the heavenly Father, if only we will slow down enough to admire them.

I think my favorite scene from this video is that one lone bird flying across the bright expanse of blue sky. One thing I've always admired about birds is that they seem to have great purpose. They are never in one place for long periods of time; they long to be out in the world, seeing everything in a new light from up above. I'm so jealous of them. There are days when I would give anything to be able to remove myself from the situation that I'm in. To just fly away, untouchable and unbreakable. And then I remember.

"But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings as eagles.
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

It's quite ironic that right this second, it's 11:11 P.M. I have so earnestly wished for wings of birds in the past, yet all along God was trying to provide for me a way of escape.
So it's no longer about just me, but me and God. Drawing nearer. Learning to wait.

And letting the tide of abiding love wash over me, and set me free on wings of eagles.

religious stranger danger

Sometimes I wish I could be as straight-forward with my "friends" and frequent acquaintances about my relationship with Christ as I am with strangers.

stranger: Hey
me: Who is this? 
[Isaiah 40:31] - my signature.
stranger: I just made up this number. Lookin for someone to chat with. I love your signature :)
me: Haha uh well thanks, it's my favorite bible verse! I love being a Christian :)
stranger: Wow, Christian girls are so hard to find! I've been looking for years! I love the Lord Jesus! I've been a christian since I was 5.
me: It's a wonderful life to live. :) The only way to live, actually, that's worthwhile.
stranger: So true :) How long have you been a Christian?
me: I was baptized into Christ when I was 11 years old. :) I was lost in sin, but being clothed with Him I became a new creature. :)
stranger: Awesome :) may I question you on something?
me: Please do! I love questions. :)
stranger: You said "baptized into Christ." I do believe the Bible says baptism does not save you. It's something you do to show that you have been saved by Jesus.
me: Well, that's a very popular opinion in our society, but respectfully I don't think that's what the scriptures teach.
stranger: Oh? Please explain what you believe the bible says.
me: Well, I read in Acts 2:38 of Peter commanding them to repent and be baptized to be forgiven of sins. In 1 Peter 3:21, I read that just as water saved Noah's family, even so we are saved by water through baptism. And Galatians 3:27 says that being baptized into Christ, we put on Christ. There are several other references such as every conversion in the book of Acts included baptism, and the baptism was immediate, not after a long period of time following the person being "saved."


I don't know what happened to the guy. I guess I offended him, he didn't want to hear what I had to say. Maybe he'll come back later to ask more questions.
But basically, that was not hard at all to do.
And I don't say all this to say that I've done some great thing because I really haven't, I should be having these conversations more often. It's my duty as a Christian. I shouldn't treat these conversations like a special event.
Why can't I strike up conversations like that with the lost that I see every single day?
I hope some of them will read this and ask me questions.
I want to be a soul winner.
Not just a "Christian" who puts bible verses on her blogs and fills a pew on Sunday.
Not just a "pretty good" person.
I want someone out there to absolutely hate me because of who I am.
I want them to absolutely dread seeing me every day because they'll have to hear me talk about Jesus.
And I don't say that to say that I want to get on people's nerves with the gospel, because please understand that I don't see how anyone could not heed to it. It's the greatest gift of all, the most wonderful sound in the world.
But I don't want people that hate God to be able to not hate me. That shouldn't be possible.
But maybe I can change their mind.
That's my mission but sometimes I forget.


He came back.

stranger: Many people translate that idea in a different way. Baptism is said to be an outward way of expressing an inward change. The bible doesn't clearly state that to be saved you have to be baptized. First a person is to admit to God that they are a sinner. Believe that Jesus is God's son and he dies to save everyone. Confess your faith in Jesus as Lord. That's where baptism comes in. It's how you publicly say, I have died and have been buried with Christ, and have rose again to walk in newness of life. In other words it's how you say, hey everybody I'm a follower of Christ and I'm not ashamed of it! I don't know these references right off but I have them somewhere.
me: Then at what point are you saved? And could you give me a scripture to go with that?
stranger: I'm looking for the scripture. And as to the point when you're actually saved, that happens when you fall on your face and give it all to God. Ask him to come into your heart and be Lord of your life.
me: A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense. You've quoted some scripture and I can tell you know your Bible. :) But I've looked and I can't find the "sinner's prayer" anywhere in the Bible.
stranger: I've got all my notes and stuff in a mess, hang on I got all the scriptures right here somewhere.
me: Take your time. :)

I want to wear the name Christian on my attitude.
I want to be on fire.
Sometimes I fall into a rut and forget what it's like to truly love God.
To truly trust God, and serve Him with my whole heart.
It's so easy to forget.


I hope I can have an impact on this boy.
Maybe I won't, but I hope I at least do the best job I can.
I want to... wait, he's back.

stranger: Thanks :) I'm looking for my notebook. Why isn't anything ever where I need it?

Uhhh... so I just realized.... how does this person know I'm female?

me: Hey, can I ask you something?


Yeah, they're totally not answering. Can religious conversationalists be creepers? If an old pervert man wanted to come kidnap me would he try to convert me first?
I'm a bit worried.
Scratch that. I'm majorly freaked out.
But I guess if I die I'm dying for the cause of the Lord, so that's a good reason. 
Hey, he's back.

stranger: Oh sorry my dad called a family meeting. What can I do for you?
me: This is an odd question, but... How did you know I was a girl?
stranger: ....... :/ ...i did know that didn't I?
me: You did.


Maybe false doctrine in the religious world is kind of like stranger danger. We teach our kids to never trust someone unfamiliar to us, because they can be dangerous. Even if we think they seem nice enough, harmless enough, the results can be fatal. And if we go for the doctrine that is easiest, coolest, most widely accepted, then sure, we might have friends in this life. We might feel good. But we're putting our souls in serious jeopardy if we go by any doctrine that does not coincide with the Bible.


stranger: Huh... :/... I knew... Interesting.
me: Do you know who I am? Honestly.


I'VE CAUGHT HIM!


stranger: I'm not one to lie. Let's just say you were... Recommended by a friend.
me: Dude, I'm not gonna be mad. Just tell me.
stranger: Oh you sure? Most people would stop talking to me. But this person kinda said that you would kill them if you knew they told me about you.
me: I think I deserve to know who you and "that person" are, at this point.


Wow. Men.
I really wish we could turn this back into a religious conversation.


stranger: Umm... promise me you won't get mad? I'd feel bad if I hurt a friendship. :/
me: Yes, I promise. You aren't, I guess I should be flattered... in a weird way.
stranger: What do you mean? :/
me: Nothing, just tell me please. I'm not mad, see? :) <- smiley face.
stranger: Is there some way this person can not find out I told you this? :)
me: Sure, why not.


Dude... This is getting ridiculous.
Just tell me who you flippin' are.
Oh. My. Lanta.


stranger: Kinda a weird long story but, I met you because of your ex-boyfriend. His name is uhh... starts with a "_" sounds like "___" or something like that :/
[this message has been censored so as to save some poor soul from embarassment]
me: Yes, I did date a guy with that name. And you know me how?
stranger: I was talking to him and he gave me your number and said I should text you cause you're really nice and you can't tell him I told you cause you promised okay?
me: Lol, I promise. I find this quite humorous actually.
stranger: Really? :) How so?
me: No reason. Anyway, don't tell me who you are. Maybe one day you'll want to re-meet me in real life and at that point you probably won't want this conversation remembered. :) But let me know if you have any more religious questions! Sleep tight stranger, I love your soul. :)
stranger: Hmhmhm:) is it ok if I text you again tomorrow? Don't wanna bother you but I would like to finish what we started. :)
me: You can start with that bible verse I asked for, sound cool?
stranger: Sounds awesome:) ..... What verse was that exactly?
me: Scriptures for your opinions on how to be saved.
stranger: Oh yes :) That family meeting cut me off as I was working on that.
me: Kay thanks. :) Bye stranger.
stranger: Bye Shauna :)


I guess the guy isn't a creeper. Hopefully. This is really unlike me but I guess I should sacrifice my personal comfort for the opportunity to evangelize.
I don't know why but the fact that he used my name just made me shiver. I need sleep.
And does anyone know what "Hmhmhm" is supposed to translate to? I thought I knew text talk but this kid is ridiculous...

parrot mountain

One day, I will be married on those stone stairs.

My family and I took our biannual trip to Gatlinburg this past weekend. That picture was taken at Parrot Mountain in Pigeon Forge. It is the most beautiful place I believe I have ever been.

I give up. I've been giving people the benefit of the doubt for a very long time, and it's time that I start facing reality and doing what's best for me. And that's to just forget, and be happy.

Today I'm very thankful for dates with Hannah, optimistic people, my cat who is still kicking after 15 years, music, ability, good books, my family, my freedom to be silly when I want to, people that love me even after they've learned everything about me (like my perfectionism and jealousy and unintentional yet periodical snobbiness), football, texting, parrot mountain, things that smell good, my guitar, showtunes, blogging, splenda.

I don't know why the thought ever crosses my mind that I would like to be someone else, because I have the most wonderful life ever. I hope I don't waste any more time wishing I could fix things that are out of my control. 

stop stressing shauna baker

So I'm supposed to be writing an essay using 500 words of original thought about: if I were an employer, under what circumstances would I fire an employee, or in my opinion, what invention or discovery has brought about the most far-reaching and lasting changes in our civilization.

Original thought is very tiring.

Which is very ironic considering I enjoy writing original thoughts online, but that's much less stressful and I don't feel like I will be judged. Well I guess I am being judged, that is given someone reads this, since it is a natural human tendency to judge even though we don't intend to sometimes. But that kind of judging doesn't really matter as much as sending in an official original thought essay for Writer's Bowl competition because this could really be a great thing if I won.

I stress myself out way too easily.

This is a problem. Matt is trying to teach me how to not stress myself out but I'm really not very good at not being stressed. Wise people always told me to set goals for myself, but I think I set too many in too many different categories so that it's hard to stretch myself across all of them.
Like getting best in class drum major in competition and valedictorian and winning this Writer's Bowl thing and advancing in the line-up for tennis this year and getting All-State on flute.
And I think that if I push myself enough that I can do all these things but the reality is that I can't be best at everything even though it would be nice. I'm not best at tennis and I'm not the best drum major or the best writer or flute player or teen genius or whatever, and the people that are the best do one thing and practice hard and do really well at it. Which I would rather have fun and be semi-talented in many areas rather than spend my entire high school career doing one thing and trying to be perfect at it.

So I'm trying really hard to stop stressing about things that I cannot control. But it's very hard.

I also cannot control how people treat other people cruelly. That's one thing I'm pretty much never guilty of, I'm proud to say, but I guess some people just really have trouble respecting other people. Like the other day at school when a group of guys were harassing a girl making her dance so they could laugh at her. I know she probably isn't really all there, and she might not realize that they were making fun of her, but everyone else did notice. It made the guys look really bad and I lost all respect for them right then. I tried along with the people around me to get the girl to come talk to us instead of staying with that group of guys but they kept getting her attention and asking her to do some more dancing. Finally after about 10 minutes I was just super angry, and that's pretty rare for me because I don't get mad hardly ever but I was mad and I screamed at them. It didn't help the situation, which screaming usually doesn't and I shouldn't have but I didn't know how to make it stop.
I didn't really know what to do and even know I don't know how I should have handled that situation.
But I don't care who it is and whether they realize it or not, making fun of other people just makes you look heartless. Especially right in front of them.
I know sometimes we say if you have something to say about someone you should say it to their face, but I'm not sure whether we mean that or not. Sometimes I'm aware people might be saying things about me, but when someone walks up to my face and makes the statement and hurts my feelings I don't respect them any more than the people saying it behind my back. Sure they're more courageous but they're also less sensitive.

Well through all this I have not discovered any epiphanic (didn't know that was an adjective until now) thoughts about being an employer or important inventions, but at least I've gotten some thoughts out there.
The only invention I can think of would be internet but that's totally generic and I'm sure by the time they get to mine they'll be completely bored of hearing that. But it makes sense because these days I'm pretty much revolved around internet and it's very unhealthy. I need to make some changes.

October Resolutions:


1. Don't stress.


2. Stay off the internet and build some intellect.


3. Pray; don't try to handle things on my own.


4. Be friendly. All the time. To everybody.


5. Never let this room get that nasty again.


6. Accept myself and my abilities, and don't push what my feeble mind cannot handle.


7. Use less personal pronouns.


8. Let conversation revolve less around myself and more about others.


9. Be happy.


10. Drink less coffee and Diet Dr. Pepper before my teeth turn a serious irreversible shade of yellow.




I kept realizing more and more things to change but I don't know if I can handle that many at one time so we're gonna stick with this for now. I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm tempted to post a song that I am listening to at the moment but I'm afraid it will reveal too many of my true feelings which are to remain secret at the moment because in my mother's words I have to "play it cool."


This song describes my every emotion perfectly though, just sayin'. =) I love when that happens.

Oh by the way I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE FALL. I even love it enough to do a whole bunch of obnoxious capitalization in one sentence because it is purely the greatest season of the year. It's cooling off sometimes, and you've got football and hoodies and campfires and band competitions and everything good in life. :) I think I'd like to keep fall for a while, just a little bit cooler temperature and then it can stay as long as it likes.