thoughts

It's beautiful outside and I love life and I love family and I love drinking coffee and watching the snow coat the lawn.

I can't wait to have a house and a family someday. Even though that is such a sobering thought because I'm going to be in charge of at least four more little lives besides my own (five if you include my Great Dane). It's scary but also extremely exciting. My house is going to be decorated to the max for every single season. Especially Christmas time makes me think about this because I just love going into houses where the Christmas spirit absolutely envelops you and you just feel so jolly. I think decorating my house is going to be one of the most fun things about being an adult. We will have a huge Christmas tree and every year we will add an ornament for every child and they'll each have their own stockings hanging from the mantle. I want everything to match from the dish towels to the place mats on the table. I wanna be "that mother" who records every single moment of their kids lives and even though it drives them absolutely crazy at the time, when they get to be a teenager they will appreciate it, if they're anything like me. I know I should be enjoying the here and now but I just can't help but be excited. Adult life really excites me, if you haven't noticed already.

I love birds. I think they are probably my favorite animal (notice I didn't say pet). They're so beautiful to watch in the open air but having one in my room... I'm pretty sure I would want to kill it after like a day. The other day I was at the tennis courts and all of a sudden from the trees there comes this flood of birds and they all fly over the court and cover the ENTIRE sky. Like seriously all I could see were black birds. And then they just formed this nice little V and I watched them fly away. That whole experience just screamed the existence of God to me. I think that's so convicting to see such beautiful masterpieces in nature like a bird's nature to fly together. It's probably one of the most convicting things to me along with the human body. I can't deny God's hand in that. Which is why sometimes I find it hard to try to convince people there is a God because if that doesn't speak to you and say there is a creator then I don't think many things will.

this only shows some of the birds I saw. i couldn't fit them all in one picture. they cover the entire lawn.

I just sang Haley's song to her and I got EXACTLY the reaction I was hoping for which is her jumping up and down and hugging me, and I'm just so thankful that she's so happy (to view Haley's song go here http://shaunablake.blogspot.com/2010/12/sister.html) I know I'm not a legit songwriter and I probably didn't express all my thoughts exactly right or in an eloquent way but I hope she at least got the message that she is beautiful and I love her. 

I cannot adequately express to you how much I hate pessimism. It just grieves my soul within to talk to someone who is looking on the bad side of things. Especially when it's ALL the time. Pessimistic people are never happy. I heard a story in a teen book in bible class about a vulture and a hummingbird. I guess you wouldn't really call it a story, more of a life situation. The vulture seeks the dead. He searches all over the earth for things that are decaying and rotten. But the hummingbird looks for flowers and sweet nectar. He searches for things that are blooming and living and giving new life. And in each situation, both get exactly what they are looking for.

So I took this as if I'm always searching for the negative aspects of life then negative results is the only thing I will reap out of that.

I really love optimism. I figure that since we each have a right to dictate our own emotions that means we all have a right to be happy. All the time. And you may be thinking that we really can't control our emotions which is also true. I should have phrased that better... What I mean is, we can do with our emotions what we want. Just because we're angry doesn't mean we have to go punch a wall or punch a face. Being annoyed doesn't mean we have to lash out and be rude to people. So if a situation turns bad and we're upset about it... well, I guess what I mean is, we don't have to dwell on the negative parts of the situation. We can control our thoughts even though we can't control our emotions, and by changing our thoughts (our outlook) we are in term really changing our mood and our emotions. And we can do this because happy isn't an "it". It doesn't depend on the things you possess or a perfect place you are in, or even a person that you love. "Happy" doesn't have to end when you get dumped by your boyfriend, betrayed by a close friend, burn your house down, break every bone in your body, or anything else horrible that you can think of. It doesn't have to end because it isn't dictated by material, earthly things. "Happy" is a conscious decision that we make to be content in every situation that we are in. Now believe me, I am NOT an expert at this and I am just as susceptible to complaining as anyone else when I'm put in a bad situation. Because I make mistakes and sometimes I forget that I can be happy regardless. But there's a difference in falling off the wagon and jumping off the wagon pulling everyone else off with you and pushing it off a cliff on a regular basis (Lieutenant Flynn said something to that effect on Closer last night and I really liked it, even though he was not talking about optimism but I believe the rule applies anyway). You don't have to look on the bad side ALL THE TIME. I just can't imagine how people can stand that. You would never ever be content with anything and that just sounds like misery to me.

That's the end of my rant and now my thoughts have ceased for now.

henry

This is Henry.

(please excuse the bad quality photos)

Henry lives at Oxford lake. I was there just yesterday and I met him and thought he was just the cutest duck I'd ever seen. He let me get that close to him without running away. He kept his wings out just like this the whole time I was there, and never put them down.

When all the ducks were gathering around the edge of the lake (I'd estimate about 30 of them), I decided to have my little cutesy movie moment and ran at them while I watched them all fly off into the lake. But Henry just stood on the bank and watched, with his wings out like that, and he never moved. Not the whole time I was there. I know there is some way to make that into a motivational message but I just don't know how to right now. 

My favorite poet is Jason Reeves even though he's actually considered a singer/songwriter and not a poet. But being friends with him on facebook I get to see all his thoughts, even the ones that aren't part of a song. He's so amazing but also not incredibly well-known so he actually takes the time to put up his own pictures and reply to fan comments and everything a normal person would do on facebook. He's so human and I absolutely love that about him. The other day I wrote on his wall and when he replied to it I about had a conniption fit in Hannah's bathroom jumping up and down and squealing. I still can't believe I talked to that wonderful man. And I know I probably sound like another one of those teenage girls that completely worship famous people but honestly he's the only person that is even semi-close to fame that I actually like. He's so open and honest and he plays guitar so beautifully. I feel it's less of a crush and more of just loving the fact that he isn't the same as all the rest of the people in Hollywood that people idolize. They aren't as human or as relatable, I guess. I don't really know. But I've loved everything he's ever said and so I'm going to share some of my favorites. Some are from his songs and others are just his honest thoughts that I've happened upon through some kind of social network or whatever.

Beauty is something that shakes your perception of the world. something rare and unseen that makes a delicately powerful impression upon your heart. something real and exuding its natural brilliant light...

be brave. be bold. be vibrant and free. be wild. and let your soul sing like wind through the leaves of a billion trees.

sometimes finding someone is like switching on a light in a dark room you've been stuck in. just when you've begun to accept the suffering it vanishes instantly, as if you've woken up from a living nightmare into a beautiful dream. and you see the dark room was the same vibrant world all along, it just needed illuminating. that's what that person is. a brilliant sunbeam that changes everything.

im not sure what is a dream and what is real. or if real is a real word and if words even exist outside of our imagination..i still can’t say for certain if falling asleep is opening your eyes in the morning or closing them at night. and im lonely. but not sadly. everybody is alone. i want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. and im not scared to be alive. these days more people are. money is an illusion. the world has been gaining some sort of momentum over "time" and every day it’s spinning faster. we are growing up too quick. someday i’ll start to. i write music because it feels like breathing. i sing because it is connection. i wish everybody would sing with me and without even gathering together sing so honestly that the songs could be carried on wind and heard at every point in the universe, even in translation. i wish there were no more bombs or bullets. and i wish we’d stop using politicians for negotiations. people are far too beautiful at heart to be introduced so cruelly into the blinding brilliant world. children. if there were to be a new beginning. would it all come out the same way again??

true love comes in many different forms. sometimes it's a flower slowly unfolding. sometimes it hits you like a bomb explodes

we are all given life as a gift to use however we choose

He has such a gift with being able to just feel and give himself over to emotions completely. I feel like there is no thought process involved with anything he says, it's all natural and simple and just true. I wish I could be that honest with myself. To just put every emotion out there without thought to being judged. To be able to be so myself and at home with my own feelings. I don't know. That man inspires me a great deal. I'm just giddy.

it's late

But who cares because it's CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK

I have a wicker chair in my room now. I absolutely love this thing. I can lean back with a book or my laptop and suddenly I'm so peaceful, like it's a sunny day when the temperature is just right and I'm laying out by the pool. I'm thinking this is a keeper. It was in our garage because mom bought it at a yard sale but no one was using it so I called dibs. I think I made a good decision.

Here is a list of moments that I do not like:
1. That moment when you go from thinking the boy is your match made in heaven for all eternity to thinking wow, you're really sort of a jerk.
2. The moment when you know you just ate way too much and now you're miserable.
3. That moment when you realize that a friend that you thought you were really close to doesn't really care as much for you as their other friends, because they've chosen them over you.
4. The moment when you realize that something you love isn't what it appears to be.
5. Those moments when it's very clear that adults do not take me seriously.
6. The moments when I feel lonely for no apparent reason.
7. That moment when it clicks in my head that I'm not giving it my all.
8. That moment when I had to give up fairy tales.
9. That moment when you were complaining about your life, and then something hits you in the face and says "You have a mother. You have a father. You have freedom. You have cute clothes and food and talents and different shoes to wear with different things. You live an abundant life, and you're complaining?"

Here is a list of moments I do like:
1. That moment when God's plan is suddenly perfectly clear, and you can see Providence working.
2. That moment when you finally find that someone who is actually there for you, no matter what.
3. The moments when you're silly, and you know it's okay.
4. The moment that you capture a beautiful scene with a camera and you can keep it forever.
5. The moment when you see a daddy holding his daughter's hand and her sweet smile is so huge.
6. That moment when it's suddenly perfectly clear to you that you have a best friend, and that best friend is going to stay your best friend, and never change.
7. Those moments when you're happy just because.

I know I have more bad than good. My optimist side needs a kick in the rear end so maybe it'll start working harder again.

That's all the random stuff, now on to deeper subjects that actually sort of have meaning.

I'm writing my little sister a song for Christmas. It isn't finished yet but almost. This is what I have so far.

I wanna tell you the story of a girl

Her eyes paint a portrait of blue skies

But she doesn’t know

When she was younger she used to believe

And took hold of rich fantasies

And she let them fly, she let them fly

This girl, well she wishes she could be

A well-known celebrity

Loved by all that see her face

 And sometimes I wish I could take her

And show her the mirror

And let her know all I see is glamour, and grace

Every morning I wake up and hear

Her singing songs like she knows the words

Chorus:

[Haley, why can’t you see?

That I’m already your biggest fan

And you don’t to have fame

To change the world]

And I will never really understand

The love she can have for a man

That she never knew

I love listening to her stories

Make you laugh like you wouldn’t believe

That light in her eyes

I wish that I could make you realize

You’re so beautiful, and you don’t even try

[Chorus]

Oh, when will you see?

You’re everything you dreamed that you would be.

I don't think I'm some genius songwriter or anything, it's just really not my forte. I thought it would be a cute idea and I'm really inspired by Haley but even still, songwriting is really hard. Taylor Swift must have a whole lot of inspiration and creativity flowing in her brain, she could probably write about 10 songs in the time it's taken me to write this one. But I want it to be perfect. Which is why I'm not done.

But nevertheless, I'm really glad I could do this for my sister because she is just so unique and genuine and I know sometimes as a teenage girl she feels inferior, but I don't want her to feel that way. She is so beautiful and I'm quite sure that she is completely unaware of that. Maybe this will give her an idea.

Sometimes my patience runs dry with Haley because she's pretty spunky when she's in the mood. She can talk ninety-to-nothing and sometimes she isn't good at letting other people talk when she's in a talkative mood but she doesn't do it intentionally to spite me. I should really work on my patience.

I really love when Haley asks me bible questions even though I don't know the answers. That means she's interested in truth and I'm very proud of her for that. Sometimes I don't think I encourage that enough. It really is a great thing.

All in all I just want her to see how great she really is. Maybe I don't tell her enough.

I know I talk about my best friend a lot but... get over it.

Yesterday I went to Hannah's house along with Lindy Abercrombie and we spent the night snuggling on the couch with Nicolas Sparks movies and squalled our eyes out. I was really in need of some girl time. I love my friends from school but I know where I can completely open up and be completely myself, holding nothing back. It's with Hannah and Lindy. They make me feel so completely at home with myself and what I'm going through. I told them absolutely everything I could think of and got advice and  laughed so hard that even looking back I just have to smile.

If the term "soul mate" applied to best friends then Hannah would be mine. I know a lot of people might think we're weird what with how alike we are and how much time we spend together but honestly, with no rudeness intended, you just can't possibly understand. I honestly would not be here today without that girl. I have no idea who I would be. 

And I don't talk about Mrs. Darla a lot but I love her so much, too. Hannah's mom. I feel like I can approach her just as my own mom. She makes me feel so at home, which I'm very thankful for because I love their home and tend to spend a lot of time there.

I've just got so many wonderful people in my life.

If any of this made sense then I'm greatly surprised.

worship

"I'm worshipping God with my whole heart by doing what feels right."
"I can feel God's presence and I know that He approves of what I'm doing."
"We all approach God in our own way, but He accepts all of us for who we are."
"It doesn't really matter, does it?"

I know that most of these statements, when made in regard to worship, are made with good intentions. Many in our society feel that as our God is so all-loving and all-forgiving, He does not care how we worship Him as long as we do it from the heart. Most feel that worship is a personal act that should reflect how we feel and what inspires us and gets us "pumped up".

I want to talk about a biblical definition of worship. We can see clearly, first of all, that man was not made to guide himself. Jeremiah 10:23 says O LORD, I know that the way of man [is] not in himself: [it is] not in man that walketh to direct his steps. We were never made to make decisions based on our own feelings. If so, Saul could not have been condemned for his persecution of Christians because he felt that he was doing nothing wrong. This is why it is so dangerous for us to "put a question mark where God has put a period." A very sobering example of this is found in Leviticus 10 when Nadab and Abihu offered strange fire as an offering to the Lord. We do not know the exact instructions they were give, only that they varied away from that by offering a strange or "profane" fire which was not what God commanded. Nadab and Abihu were devoured by fire... How much more real can you get? They were worshipping God! But Nadab and Abihu made the common mistake of morphing God's command using their personal tastes. I see how dangerous that is, and I hope you do, too. 
Take a look at the story of Uzza in 1 Chronicles 13. He acted upon his own instinct by trying to steady the ark, but was struck dead on the spot. That is how seriously God takes his commands. Not as a guideline, or an "idea", but as an absolute truth. There is no variation or exemptions.
Think of what would have happened the day that God commanded Noah to build an ark and gave him a set of instructions. What if Noah decided that the ark should be a bit bigger... more room for the animals, right? What if Noah thought that oak would be a much better choice than gopher wood? Perhaps Noah felt he had it all figured out. He would take God's command as a "guideline" and use his expertise to make the ark even better. What do you think would have happened? I know exactly what would have happened- that ark and all it's inhabitants would have sank and been destroyed by water just as the rest of the Earth was.

So we know that man cannot direct his own paths. It will lead him right to destruction. If we are to worship God in truth, we have to realize that we are the worshippers and He is the one being worshipped. We are not the audience in worship- God is. We have to approach God on His own terms or we can never be pleasing to Him.

God is not on a horizontal field with us. We do not approach him with the same reverence that we'd approach a buddy on the basketball court. God is our Creator, He is all-power and in total control of our destiny. He loves us and cares for us and is fully deserving of our complete devotion to His will.

That means, when God says "sing" (Col. 3:16, Eph. 5:19) that's exactly what He means. To sing praise to God cannot be wrong, because it is commanded. However, nowhere in the new covenant that Christ brought about by his death (Luke 22:20, Heb. 8:6) are we commanded to "play an instrument", "dance", or "do what makes us feel good." I don't say any of this to be offensive, but from what I read there is just no authorization for these types of worship, so why can we be so sure that they are pleasing to God?

Ultimately, I want to say this- The Bible is the absolute truth. People in our society are all about relativity and letting everyone do their own thing and as long as we stay out of each other's way, we can all worship God in different ways and still all go to heaven. God's commands are not relative, opinions, or suggestions... They're truth. It doesn't matter how many of the majority in our country believe that sex before marriage is acceptable (1 Corinthians 6:18-20) or homosexuality is natural and acceptable (Romans 1:26-27) or any other common tolerances in our country today. I know that people make mistakes and we all commit sin, and there is forgiveness for us when we confess our sins to God and commit our lives to repentance and living faithfully. But there is a difference in sinning and living in sin. We cannot become calloused to these issues that have become so widespread... That does not make them okay. Just because society's standards are being lowered does not mean that a Christian can "tone down" his Christianity to match the world. It isn't about being slightly more moral than the world, it's being separate from the world altogether! We have a higher standard to abide by.

Hopefully I'll have time to expand more on this at a later time, but I hope everyone (anyone who takes the time to read these posts, which I hope many will take the time to read this one) will understand that I love each of you and did not write this to condemn but to hopefully shed light on a few things that maybe some people do not realize... My personal study on God's ideas of worship is still in progress and my words are not absolute truth. Only the holy scriptures are absolute truth, so abide by those and not what anyone may say. Our souls are the most precious possessions we have and God would hate for us to give them away because we did not investigate His will.

grown-up

I play pretend. Sometimes I pretend that I'm unaffected by criticism, but inside I'm dwelling on every single word that person said. And they might not even mean it as criticism, just a casual comment about my grades or my goals or anything really... I keep it inside and try to fit the mold of what that person wants me to be. But outside I pretend that it doesn't phase me. Or  I pretend I don't hear when people say hateful things to other people, or don't notice when the people that are being victimized get that lonely, distant look in their eyes that says they've given up. I don't have to experience that feeling very often BUT I do know what it feels like to be lonely and I hate hate hate it. And that's exactly what harmful words do, they make us feel lonely and unwanted and it's cruel, but it's hard to be the only one standing up while everyone else is sitting down, so sometimes I just pretend I don't notice. I pretend that I didn't hear them use God to describe a stubbed toe or something "***-awful", because God isn't awful at all and how could anything be described that way? But that isn't a popular opinion, so I pretend I didn't hear. I pretend my "friend" isn't laughing at another girl's clothes or who she asked to prom, and how she got turned down. I smile and say to myself you didn't hear that, Shauna, just try to change the subject. Which doesn't help the situation at all but the prospect of losing the support of that "friend" is scary, so I pretend that I didn't hear what she was saying. I pretend that I'm a wonderful student because I make good grades but when I get home I don't prepare as well as I could, and usually on tests I just get lucky because I'm good at problem-solving and process of elimination. I pretend that I make better than other people because I work for it but really I work just hard enough to stay comfortably the same. Pretty high A's, a low one in A.P. History because it's just "not my forte". That suffices as satisfactory, right? I pretend that it's the best I can do but I'm lying.

These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.

This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.

My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.

I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.

One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.

I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.

Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.

When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.

I want to be grown-up so bad.

But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.

goofy

I've decided that I have absolutely no desire in life to be average/normal/predictable. How boring is that? Never bringing any new ideas, never doing anything outside the mold. I don't want people to think about me when I'm gone and think "wow, that sure was a great girl. She never did anything to break away, always trying to please the majority. She was a real follower." Uhm no. That's a life wasted.

I'm really really really thankful for the opportunity to be goofy. It's one that I believe more people should take advantage of. Don't take life so seriously. It's gonna end up killing us all, so don't live in fear of it. Be yourself. Be crazy. Dance around.

Okay, right now. Take the absolute most hideous picture of yourself that is possible. It's for you. Come on, just do it. No, you aren't too cool. That's right. Squint your eyes. Stick your tongue out in an unladylike/ungentlemanlike fashion. Don't worry, it's allowed. Now click.

(By the way, how is unladylike a word but ungentlemanlike not a word? Are men are never scrutinized for not acting like gentlemen? Does anyone in our generation even know what a gentleman is anymore? This is quite a sad little revelation I have uncovered.)

Looking back there are a lot of situations in life that I wish I could relive, and have more fun. I could have been that person that cracked a joke and put everyone else at ease. I could have been the optimist. But sometimes I forget that I'm allowed to have fun in bad situations. But it's legal, trust me.

I think I'll start a new routine of inserting silly comments in bad situations. :) This could be potentially annoying but who cares. If you're gonna be a sour puss then you will be a sour puss regardless of whether I approach the situation happily or not.

ALSO I sent in my first college application today! Yes, I am definitely a junior in high school still. Unfortunately. But it was free and Whitney my admissions counselor from Freed said I should apply early, and so I did. I love Freed-Hardeman University. It's such a wonderful Christian atmosphere... I feel like when I'm there every day is camp, which= every day being an enormous powerboost to serve God. I would love to have 4 years of that.
BUT I would also love to go to UA. They have the Million Dollar Band and football and an accredited Journalism and Public Relations program, one of the highest ranked in the nation...
I'm glad I don't have to make this decision right now, because I have no clue what I would do.
I want to put God first and go to Freed but I can also have a strong church family at UA plus more evangelistic opportunities with nonChristians, so I'm not sure if that's putting God first or putting comfort first. I think I could serve God in either environment but the spiritual basis of Freed is just extremely attractive... I have no idea. I'm a mess.
BUT it's all gonna work out for the best. College searches are supposed to be fun, not stressful, and although I am known to be a compulsive stresser I have made the decision to abstain from that, especially in this period of my life which is already high-stress as it is.

I think my thoughts have halted for now. I'm gonna go read, nighty night.

e.e. cummings

Last year our class was assigned a packet of poetry which we had to analyze. One author was E.E. Cummings.

I absolutely, positively hated E.E. Cummings. Nothing made sense and everything was unrhymed and unmetered and senseless and pointless.

Even now, I'm pretty sure that I still don't truly understand the purpose of poetry. It's like taking something you want to say and hiding it, like giving a gift but putting it into the deepest depths of the sea to see who is  passionate enough to dive in for it.

I always believed that if you wanted to say something, you could say it the way you mean it. Sing about it. Write about it. 

But I suppose each of us has his or her own way of expressing emotions that is precious to them.

Mine would be books. Music. Lyrics and without, simply orchestral melodies that paint a picture.

And some people seem to love sitting and staring between the lines of poems to find the deeper meaning.

Personally, I do not, but if you do then don't let anyone take that away from you.

I like to think of myself as being intellectual. I can figure things out and solve problems. But I'm also very simplistic in some ways. I'm not good at searching for the undercurrents of writing, all the foreshadowing and symbolism and secretive things. I like the message to hit me in the face so I can be sure I don't miss it. That's why I want to go into journalism and not prose or poetry. It's simplistic, to the point, and true. And it always means something.

But back to my original thought that gave way to all that thought vomit- I finally found a quote by E.E. Cummings that's clear as day and I don't feel as though I'm missing something.

"I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes."

I love that.

Today is such an amazing day.

chameleon

Everything about this week has been beautiful. And today was the perfect example, because everything about it was just absolutely perfect and I smiled a lot and worried a lot less. God is providing for me and I can't thank Him enough.

I don't have enough thoughts for a very long post, but today I went shopping for little boy's underwear and nascar and spent over an hour in Subway listening to Chuck Norris jokes and interrupting stories obnoxiously just because. It was the most fun I've had in a very long time.

This will probably consist of a series of random thoughts considering I don't have the brain power nor the motivation to expand upon each of these topics. Maybe at a later date.

I realized today how easy and hard it is to break the mold of your daily routine. One single step changes your entire day. It puts you around different people, in a different environment. A better one. And I know it will get easier and easier to make that first step towards a better environment for myself. I'm very proud.
I strongly believe in the natural tendency of humans to follow instead of lead. It's true for teenagers just as it is true for adults as well. It's much easier to conform to the environment that you are in, like a chameleon, rather than define your personality and moral values and stay true to yourself at all costs. A leader. Different. I believe this is an abnormal perspective but that is alright with me because the idea of abnormal ideas sort of attracts me. But being one person is actually much harder than being whoever you need to be depending on the situation. For instance, a teenager put into a room with 5 year olds will (hopefully) not be compelled to formulate sentences with the f bomb being used to describe things that don't even make sense. However, that same teenager put into a crowd of people that constantly use profanity such as that will be compelled to do so, to conform, to feel like they belong. I believe this comes from the desire to follow the "majority" rather than having only one person to follow, at all costs, at all times, never wavering. For me that person should be Christ. I say should be, because I'm human and although I am never compelled to use profanity because I find it completely useless, I do find it very easy to become a gossiper when surrounded by gossipers. To become a cheater when everyone else is doing it. To laugh at dirty jokes when I'm surrounded by laughing people. To become pessimistic when all I hear are pessimistic comments. A complainer. A condescender. A judger. A boaster. If I really want to be consistent, I cannot be a follower of man, because man is unstable. He is a chameleon, ever changing to fit the mold of the majority. There is only one Rock, the solid foundation that is unwavering and never changing. If I want to be consistent, the only one I can truly count on is Christ. If I'm always looking to be Christ-like instead of a crowd pleaser, then I will be better equiped to withstand temptation when I happen to be in an unChristlike environment. Unfortunately, I cannot always do so, so the best thing in my opinion is to not associate myself with groups of people that tempt me to do wrong. But this requires work, being abnormal, being different. Breaking away from the majority and seeking a minority group of friends that will help me stay pure. It isn't gonna be easy. But it's right, and I'm excited to see what happens.

That random thought lasted much longer than I had originally expected.

Tonight I drank hot tea because I thought I would have to pull an all-nighter to not kill my history grade on a test tomorrow.
However the test has been postponed, yet another way I have been blessed with the most amazing day that keeps getting better!
I feel bad because earlier when I was at the gospel meeting, I was thinking about how badly I needed to study and how busy my day had been and how worried I was. That was a very wrong mindset to have.
And now look what happened. I didn't have a single thing to worry over. I should have been paying closer attention and not worrying about things of tomorrow. It's like God's providence telling me that my worrying is of no benefit to me. I strongly believe in the providencial power of God. He works in so many ways I will never understand.

I'm reading a book entitled The Beach House by Mary Alice Monroe. It's required for school which means I should hate it but I completely don't. Long novels take such a long time but I know when I finally get to the end I'm going to fall in love with every page over again. It's about a girl who moves away from her Southern family as soon as she turns 18, leaving her fragile mother and intractable brother with her abusive father who, on her way out the door, promises that he will not care for her a bit if she chooses to leave. She does, and one day she comes back home. Old, unmarried, unemployed, back from Chicago to visit her mother who is inconspicuously dying before her eyes. It reminds me of The Last Song except they didn't make a corny movie with Miley Cyrus. Although the boy was pretty, I must admit.

I have no idea why I just summarized the first 120 pages of that book but at any rate I just like it a lot. I have a week to read the other 300 pages so I should probably get on the ball.

Back up 2 paragraphs because I should end with that... God is so so good. And sometimes I don't realize how truly great God is, until out of darkness there comes something beautiful. Out of a horrible situation there is a light at the end, a way of escape. I'm so blessed.

beginning

Today was... well, indescribable. I can't perfectly explain all the perfect assets which made it one of the greatest days ever. It simply was, and there's no denying that God's hand was at work every minute.

That's why I'm making a change. Beginning with this blog.

Maybe you paid attention and noted that on the little tabby thing below your task bar where it used to say "photographs and memories" (a name derived from a song by Jason Reeves, whose lyrics just so happen to describe my every emotion in perfect clarity; however this title had no special significance at the time, other than the fact that it's a beautiful song and the name sort of had a nice ring to it so I picked it but now I've begun an era of deep thinking), I have hereby changed the name of this blog to "on wings". Forever and ever. Because it isn't about me or my life or my problems (actually it is. my posts usually are silly irrelevant stories or thoughts that I wanted to let loose out of my brain, but stating it this way helps me to better understand the big picture). It really shouldn't be all about me. If I'm striving to be a godly influence with every aspect of my daily life, then this blog should be about the reader. It should be about maybe, hopefully, touching someone. Helping someone. It should be about the souls.

Yesterday I heard a song entitled "Something Beautiful" by needtobreathe.

The very first time I heard this song, I experienced every emotion. I wanted to laugh and cry; I was awestruck at this simple message which describes me, and probably all of us, in such great clarity.
We all want to experience something in our lives that truly takes our breath away, and captures us. We want that natural contentment that comes from true and explicit happiness. We want to love and be loved effortlessly and perfectly.
 In the video you'll a diverse collection of scenes which the fans saw as truly beautiful. They range from an aged couple still smiling in their perfect companionship, a blond angel swinging on a swing, and a spunky girl running from the safe beach into the oncoming tide. She is completely unafraid and yet her exhilarated heart tells her she is truly terrified. But she keeps running.

Tonight I also saw something beautiful. I saw the marvelous, powerful and perfect gospel of God working in the lives of young people. I saw a large audience take hold of truth and let it take hold of their hearts. I saw a young man in humble repentance, admitting that he was imperfect, letting the tide of relief and forgiveness wash over him, both unafraid and terrified but set free by God's abiding love. That's what makes life beautiful. God's grace makes life beautiful.
In every young child there is an image of God in their innocent faces and forgiving hearts. Every feeling of love that we have is a blessing from God above. The skies which so masterfully paint a beautiful picture overhead are a gift from the heavenly Father, if only we will slow down enough to admire them.

I think my favorite scene from this video is that one lone bird flying across the bright expanse of blue sky. One thing I've always admired about birds is that they seem to have great purpose. They are never in one place for long periods of time; they long to be out in the world, seeing everything in a new light from up above. I'm so jealous of them. There are days when I would give anything to be able to remove myself from the situation that I'm in. To just fly away, untouchable and unbreakable. And then I remember.

"But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings as eagles.
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

It's quite ironic that right this second, it's 11:11 P.M. I have so earnestly wished for wings of birds in the past, yet all along God was trying to provide for me a way of escape.
So it's no longer about just me, but me and God. Drawing nearer. Learning to wait.

And letting the tide of abiding love wash over me, and set me free on wings of eagles.