sometimes i wish i had it all together. the strong warrior, the one who is down but knows how to get back up, the one who laughs at all the right times and prays at all the right times. the one who doesn't doubt or judge and knows how to turn a frown upside down. the one that stops people mid-sentence when they realize that they can't talk like that around her.
i'm still finding me, and maybe little by little i'm finding out how to become the person that God already sees.
Showing posts with label the scared girl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the scared girl. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Sunday, July 31, 2011
drifting
people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.
my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before
but maybe i'm drifting, too
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
13 whys
why
...can i not stand up for myself?
...do i judge?
...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?
...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?
...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?
...am i condescending?
...do i over-analyze?
...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?
...do i forget to pray?
...do i worry over little things?
...do i forget to cherish friendships?
...don't i realize how blessed i am?
...does God forgive me constantly?
...are people always looking for things to complain about?
...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?
(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)
why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?
...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?
...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good
...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?
...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?
i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one
i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.
i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."
I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing
i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.
and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.
so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.
wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?
okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now
...can i not stand up for myself?
...do i judge?
...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?
...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?
...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?
...am i condescending?
...do i over-analyze?
...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?
...do i forget to pray?
...do i worry over little things?
...do i forget to cherish friendships?
...don't i realize how blessed i am?
...does God forgive me constantly?
...are people always looking for things to complain about?
...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?
(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)
why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?
...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?
...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good
...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?
...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?
i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one
i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.
i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."
I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing
i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.
and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.
so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.
wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?
okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now
Sunday, April 3, 2011
one day
i'll be brave enough to feel the way my heart is screaming
even when i'm scared
because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved
even when i'm scared
because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved
Monday, March 7, 2011
"i am who i choose to be"
sometimes i think about things that i'm not supposed to. like a dream in the night reminds me that something was here and now it's not. someone was here, and now that someone is somewhere that i don't know nor have the right to know. and it's scary. because the someone somewhere is still reminding me that i want them here, but i can't have them here. i'm not supposed to even think of them anymore but the more i try, the fall gets harder every time. i can't be apathetic. i can't not feel the way that my heart is screaming. it's impossible. it's part of me and undeniably true. i'm not sure where emotions are supposed to draw a line when you're only seventeen. i have a life to live. i don't think i'm supposed to be this restrained by something that feels like love but can't be, because love is perfect and undying and unfailing and constant and true and this doesn't feel like any of those things.
the tooth is gone and the more i try to pretend everything is perfect, my tongue keeps creeping back to that familiar place, where there's now a gaping hole that makes me feel incomplete and a little bit ugly.
i was driving, and my head hurts and all the lights are blinding as the cars pass on the highway and i want to scream at them to stop making it hurt so much. and i think about what i miss and the song that describes my feelings so perfectly, and i think about that song and dissect every lyric and know that it's exactly how i feel. and then, interrupting those thoughts, that very song is selected by random of 300 on my ipod and begins to play and is suffocating in my little car. the song that says "i miss everything about you..." and i park and lean my head back and close my eyes and i can't cry. but i sing the song that says i miss everything about you, even after everything we've been through. i sing and then i go inside and order chinese take-out and take it home to eat while i watch closer, and i lay in bed that night and know that nothing has changed, and i'm afraid that it never will.
the tooth is gone and the more i try to pretend everything is perfect, my tongue keeps creeping back to that familiar place, where there's now a gaping hole that makes me feel incomplete and a little bit ugly.
i was driving, and my head hurts and all the lights are blinding as the cars pass on the highway and i want to scream at them to stop making it hurt so much. and i think about what i miss and the song that describes my feelings so perfectly, and i think about that song and dissect every lyric and know that it's exactly how i feel. and then, interrupting those thoughts, that very song is selected by random of 300 on my ipod and begins to play and is suffocating in my little car. the song that says "i miss everything about you..." and i park and lean my head back and close my eyes and i can't cry. but i sing the song that says i miss everything about you, even after everything we've been through. i sing and then i go inside and order chinese take-out and take it home to eat while i watch closer, and i lay in bed that night and know that nothing has changed, and i'm afraid that it never will.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
my favorite
My new favorite thing to listen to: http://stereomood.com/mood/calm. It's a playlist of calming music. Right now I'm listening to a piano piece and I feel like such a loser because I'm like tearing up. It's so beautiful. I think my two favorite instruments to listen to are solo piano pieces, and acoustic guitar. Both are just so calming and pure and true. I know why I love music, and it's all about emotion. Music expresses emotions that transcend words... That's so cliche but I believe it with my whole heart. I could spend my entire life dedicated to making music (aside from being a Christian of course) and be completely content. But I don't ever want my career to be just that because then it isn't just a passion anymore, it's my job and it becomes monotonous and a daily task instead of just an impulsive reaction to daily things, like when I have a bad day and so I decide to sit down and play guitar and suddenly everything feels so much lighter and I can breathe again. I'm afraid if I ever pursue music as a career I will forget to use music as an escape too, because then I won't be escaping from anything because I do it all day every day anyway... That might not make sense but this is mostly for me and I know what I'm talking about. I know I have to marry somebody who loves music just as much as I do because I'm so passionate about it that to someone that isn't passionate about it I'm sure it would be extremely annoying to live with. Even the most agreeable husband in the world (which is by the way another trait that is definitely on the checklist for my future husband, since I'm potentially annoying sometimes) is gonna tell me to shut up singing eventually if he doesn't love music like I do. A regular person wouldn't want to hear me singing all day every day for the rest of their lives but a music lover wouldn't mind, hopefully. If he does then I guess I'll just have to pick between either my music or him, and I'm sure he wouldn't like how that decision is going to turn out because music wins even if he's the most gorgeous creature in the universe.
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
day one
Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.
But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.
Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.
It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.
I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.
The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.
Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.
"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:31, 35-39
Monday, December 6, 2010
beginning
Today was... well, indescribable. I can't perfectly explain all the perfect assets which made it one of the greatest days ever. It simply was, and there's no denying that God's hand was at work every minute.
That's why I'm making a change. Beginning with this blog.
Maybe you paid attention and noted that on the little tabby thing below your task bar where it used to say "photographs and memories" (a name derived from a song by Jason Reeves, whose lyrics just so happen to describe my every emotion in perfect clarity; however this title had no special significance at the time, other than the fact that it's a beautiful song and the name sort of had a nice ring to it so I picked it but now I've begun an era of deep thinking), I have hereby changed the name of this blog to "on wings". Forever and ever. Because it isn't about me or my life or my problems (actually it is. my posts usually are silly irrelevant stories or thoughts that I wanted to let loose out of my brain, but stating it this way helps me to better understand the big picture). It really shouldn't be all about me. If I'm striving to be a godly influence with every aspect of my daily life, then this blog should be about the reader. It should be about maybe, hopefully, touching someone. Helping someone. It should be about the souls.
Yesterday I heard a song entitled "Something Beautiful" by needtobreathe.
The very first time I heard this song, I experienced every emotion. I wanted to laugh and cry; I was awestruck at this simple message which describes me, and probably all of us, in such great clarity.
We all want to experience something in our lives that truly takes our breath away, and captures us. We want that natural contentment that comes from true and explicit happiness. We want to love and be loved effortlessly and perfectly.
In the video you'll a diverse collection of scenes which the fans saw as truly beautiful. They range from an aged couple still smiling in their perfect companionship, a blond angel swinging on a swing, and a spunky girl running from the safe beach into the oncoming tide. She is completely unafraid and yet her exhilarated heart tells her she is truly terrified. But she keeps running.
Tonight I also saw something beautiful. I saw the marvelous, powerful and perfect gospel of God working in the lives of young people. I saw a large audience take hold of truth and let it take hold of their hearts. I saw a young man in humble repentance, admitting that he was imperfect, letting the tide of relief and forgiveness wash over him, both unafraid and terrified but set free by God's abiding love. That's what makes life beautiful. God's grace makes life beautiful.
In every young child there is an image of God in their innocent faces and forgiving hearts. Every feeling of love that we have is a blessing from God above. The skies which so masterfully paint a beautiful picture overhead are a gift from the heavenly Father, if only we will slow down enough to admire them.
I think my favorite scene from this video is that one lone bird flying across the bright expanse of blue sky. One thing I've always admired about birds is that they seem to have great purpose. They are never in one place for long periods of time; they long to be out in the world, seeing everything in a new light from up above. I'm so jealous of them. There are days when I would give anything to be able to remove myself from the situation that I'm in. To just fly away, untouchable and unbreakable. And then I remember.
"But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings as eagles.
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."
It's quite ironic that right this second, it's 11:11 P.M. I have so earnestly wished for wings of birds in the past, yet all along God was trying to provide for me a way of escape.
So it's no longer about just me, but me and God. Drawing nearer. Learning to wait.
And letting the tide of abiding love wash over me, and set me free on wings of eagles.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
scattered
I'm afraid of this stranger.
I don't know what in the world possessed me to be so brave yesterday but now I'm back to being scared Shauna again...
I planted the Word in his heart, so is that enough?
Do I need to continue to try and feed that initial conversation about God, only to put myself at risk?
The answer would be a no.
N-O.
I'm not gonna be that girl that trusts the wrong person and ends up being hurt.
No thank you.
I'll stick to my friends that I have met in person and I actually trust to be what they say they are.
Sure, you say that you're a teenager, but how should I know?
I'm sure old creepers can learn teenager language. It isn't hard.
And you could have easily enough learned about one of my ex-boyfriends and used him as an excuse.
Which is crazy in itself because I don't think that person would ever give my number away like that.
That's a ludicrous idea.
So no, mister stranger, I will not continue to converse with you.
Even though you said I can call you "Red".
Somehow that is not very comforting.
I can picture a creeper being called "Red."
Why not use your real name? Is it because a nickname isn't as easily checked out?
Is this supposed to make you seem somehow more relatable, because I don't call you by your real name?
No thanks, I'll pass. If you want to meet me you can meet me the real way.
In other news I have a major huge A.P. History test tomorrow that will be worth over 200 points and a list of terms the size of gigantor but somehow I still feel the need to take a blogging break.
This could be an indication of poor prioritizing skills.
I also had a long chat with Hannah but that was necessary because I had to get her advice on this whole stranger situation. She told me that I should be more careful. She always makes so much more sense than I do.
And I know that I'm stressing about this test. I will be stressing about this test even if I stay up all night staring at the terms. I'M A STRESSER. Yes, me. Badly. If I ever had to be sent to therapy that would be my prime reason.
But I'm also a bad person to cope with stress, because I don't do it by studying. Actually I was doing very well until stranger texted me and sent me into a freak-out meltdown and I had to talk to Hannah. Then I knew I should blog to confirm that I was serious about not texting back. When I type it, it's permanent. I can't go back when the words are staring me in the face. Otherwise it was just a decision on instinct and I can go back on my word. But not when I blog it. That's for real.
I have an addiction with caffeine. I don't know if that's what you would call it, because I don't necessarily need caffeine, because it has no effect on me anymore. I've had 6 cups of coffee in the past 2 hours but I still manage to fall asleep while studying A.P. History. I think that's a sign that a) drinking 6 cups of coffee is a much too regular occurrence and b) my mental capacity is not one to easily grasp history. It's not that I don't like history, I just find it hard to retain the information that I read and make application of it. If I can't apply it to NOW then I find it hard to remember facts and dates and people. They seem so unimportant when compared to things that are happening right here and now. But I need to study.
I find myself to be very easily distracted...
I really love rainy days. They are normally most enjoyed when I can enjoy a wonderful book with a great cup of coffee in my favorite sweatpants, but sadly I only got the last 2 parts today. And I don't enjoy the coffee anymore, in fact my head and tummy are screaming at me to stop. But I still love sweatpants. I think they are cute and comfty so why not wear them all the time? Yes I do. :)
When we were in Gatlinburg I went clearance book shopping and bought 9 books for around $25 :D I will have the most epic Christmas break reading extravaganza of all time.
I just lied via blog. I really didn't text the guy back the first time. But then he said I seem like a nice person, and if I don't want to talk anymore it's okay.
I had to preserve that opinion of myself while informing him that it's just way too weird.
Hope no one has turned against me.
I'm still not caving.
I'm trying to picture a scraggly old red-headed creeper man with a big beard that wants me to keep talking to him.
Yep, that helped. You can use that mental image for yourself if you like. It helps.
I'm going to be studious now, sorry for my scattered and sometimes probably unintelligible thoughts.
I don't know what in the world possessed me to be so brave yesterday but now I'm back to being scared Shauna again...
I planted the Word in his heart, so is that enough?
Do I need to continue to try and feed that initial conversation about God, only to put myself at risk?
The answer would be a no.
N-O.
I'm not gonna be that girl that trusts the wrong person and ends up being hurt.
No thank you.
I'll stick to my friends that I have met in person and I actually trust to be what they say they are.
Sure, you say that you're a teenager, but how should I know?
I'm sure old creepers can learn teenager language. It isn't hard.
And you could have easily enough learned about one of my ex-boyfriends and used him as an excuse.
Which is crazy in itself because I don't think that person would ever give my number away like that.
That's a ludicrous idea.
So no, mister stranger, I will not continue to converse with you.
Even though you said I can call you "Red".
Somehow that is not very comforting.
I can picture a creeper being called "Red."
Why not use your real name? Is it because a nickname isn't as easily checked out?
Is this supposed to make you seem somehow more relatable, because I don't call you by your real name?
No thanks, I'll pass. If you want to meet me you can meet me the real way.
In other news I have a major huge A.P. History test tomorrow that will be worth over 200 points and a list of terms the size of gigantor but somehow I still feel the need to take a blogging break.
This could be an indication of poor prioritizing skills.
I also had a long chat with Hannah but that was necessary because I had to get her advice on this whole stranger situation. She told me that I should be more careful. She always makes so much more sense than I do.
And I know that I'm stressing about this test. I will be stressing about this test even if I stay up all night staring at the terms. I'M A STRESSER. Yes, me. Badly. If I ever had to be sent to therapy that would be my prime reason.
But I'm also a bad person to cope with stress, because I don't do it by studying. Actually I was doing very well until stranger texted me and sent me into a freak-out meltdown and I had to talk to Hannah. Then I knew I should blog to confirm that I was serious about not texting back. When I type it, it's permanent. I can't go back when the words are staring me in the face. Otherwise it was just a decision on instinct and I can go back on my word. But not when I blog it. That's for real.
I have an addiction with caffeine. I don't know if that's what you would call it, because I don't necessarily need caffeine, because it has no effect on me anymore. I've had 6 cups of coffee in the past 2 hours but I still manage to fall asleep while studying A.P. History. I think that's a sign that a) drinking 6 cups of coffee is a much too regular occurrence and b) my mental capacity is not one to easily grasp history. It's not that I don't like history, I just find it hard to retain the information that I read and make application of it. If I can't apply it to NOW then I find it hard to remember facts and dates and people. They seem so unimportant when compared to things that are happening right here and now. But I need to study.
I find myself to be very easily distracted...
I really love rainy days. They are normally most enjoyed when I can enjoy a wonderful book with a great cup of coffee in my favorite sweatpants, but sadly I only got the last 2 parts today. And I don't enjoy the coffee anymore, in fact my head and tummy are screaming at me to stop. But I still love sweatpants. I think they are cute and comfty so why not wear them all the time? Yes I do. :)
When we were in Gatlinburg I went clearance book shopping and bought 9 books for around $25 :D I will have the most epic Christmas break reading extravaganza of all time.
I just lied via blog. I really didn't text the guy back the first time. But then he said I seem like a nice person, and if I don't want to talk anymore it's okay.
I had to preserve that opinion of myself while informing him that it's just way too weird.
Hope no one has turned against me.
I'm still not caving.
I'm trying to picture a scraggly old red-headed creeper man with a big beard that wants me to keep talking to him.
Yep, that helped. You can use that mental image for yourself if you like. It helps.
I'm going to be studious now, sorry for my scattered and sometimes probably unintelligible thoughts.
Monday, November 22, 2010
dream
last night i had a dream and i really wish i wouldn't have.
but it was a good dream.
it felt SO REAL.
i woke up smiling and content.
and then saw the hotel room and the bright desk clock flashing 4 A.M.
i stopped smiling.
and so once again, i have come to the realization that the people that i wish to see, the moments i would love to relive over and over...
... they are the ones that hurt me the most.
i should be happy enough with the people that have stuck with me through it all.
and not base my happiness upon one who hasn't.
but it was a good dream.
it felt SO REAL.
i woke up smiling and content.
and then saw the hotel room and the bright desk clock flashing 4 A.M.
i stopped smiling.
and so once again, i have come to the realization that the people that i wish to see, the moments i would love to relive over and over...
... they are the ones that hurt me the most.
i should be happy enough with the people that have stuck with me through it all.
and not base my happiness upon one who hasn't.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
lately
First of all I would like to say that to anyone who listened to me cry and squall and complain and tell you how hard my life is for the past few days, you're my hero. And I'm sorry for turning into such a downer. I've truly never experienced a time in my life that is this hard before and I feel the need to blog about it because by tomorrow I plan to have it all gone and be back to normal Shauna again.
The first thing you should probably know, in case you don't, is that my Dad has been in the hospital.
Woah.
The last time I was this afraid for my Dad was when he was in a car accident and was taken straight to the ER and we had to wait in the waiting room for like 2 hours before I knew anything.
Except this time, I've waited 5 days and they still don't really and truly know what's causing my Dad to have so much pain.
But luckily it's controlled now, and he can hopefully be home tomorrow. I really hope so. It's one of those things where I truly love my Dad, but maybe in the past I didn't always hug him before I left for school, or just say I love you for no reason, or ask his advice when I'm having a hard time. And now that I can't do all those things it's made me realize how much I really need my Dad, and I don't know what I would do if this was forever.
But luckily it's not, and I know for some people they aren't lucky enough to say that, and to them I am truly sorry. You are much stronger than I will ever be.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my Dad and I are alike. We really are. See Mom and Haley are the detailers. When they hear a story, they want to know everything about it. What time you got there what was the person's middle name what shirt were you wearing how did they say it why? All of those things. See me and Dad, sometimes we just really want to know the ending. We like absolutes, simplicity. We're more of 'sit there and listen' rather than ask questions about it. And it's not like I prefer that over the personality of other people because I love Mom and Haley and love talking to them, but it's just like me and Dad have that connection. I got that from him. I have his hair and his doubts and love for tennis, although his ability surpasses mine tenfold even with all the ridiculous surgeries he's had. He can whoop me anyday. We aren't always good with expressing our feelings, we're afraid to let our emotions show and sometimes we hide it when we're upset. We can't always put feelings into words but writing comes like breathing. My dad can write a letter that will bring you to tears, and he has many times that I've read them. He loves Math and chocolate, and he hates to feel that he has let himself down by not accomplishing his full potential. All these things he has instilled in me. Sometimes I let myself dislike something about myself and then I remember oh, I got that from my Dad, so I smile and all of a sudden I like myself again. :)
So yes, I love my Dad and that's been causing me stress that he isn't at home and nothing is normal.
Sunday I cried all stinkin' day long because Dad wasn't home and Mom wasn't home and I didn't have a boyfriend to cry to and my best friend was busy and my other best friend was gone and I just had to cry. I cried and cried and cried until my stomach just hurt and was in knots and I didn't want to eat.
Then about 1 A.M. I "got sick" (that's my nice word for throw up because I don't particularly like any other word people substitute there). After that I went to bed and felt better but then at 4 A.M. I was wide awake again with that same feeling. It was like something was taking everything in my insides and flipping it all backwards so it didn't fit quite right inside of me, and I thought I would get sick again but I didn't.
I didn't go to school that morning, and Mom left again to go to be with Dad.
I slept and slept and woke up and felt better, so at 11:40 I took the pre-written note that my mother had given me and checked in to school thinking that everything would be okay. I ate graham crackers for breakfast. I was feeling okay.
I got to class and sat down and felt all the eyes on me and the feeling was back. Everything that was so common place in my life had been thrown around inside of me and I couldn't be comfortable there. At 12:00 I said I was sick and went to the nurse. At 12:30 I went to Wal-Mart to get advil and sprite, and I went back home.
(p.s: sprite gets really old when it's the only thing you drink for 24 straight hours. just fair warning.)
So I thought well I must have a stomach virus and so I stayed home and didn't go to band practice after asking and making sure that was okay with Mr. Prather, which it was because of course he wanted me to rest and I'm pretty sure he probably didn't want the whole band with a virus on Saturday for competition.
Yeah, let's add a little bit more stress. I've missed two practices and competition is Saturday. We have one practice left.
So Monday I stayed in bed and just took it easy and thought well, by tomorrow this stomach virus will be gone and I can go to Youth Leadership Thing and it'll all be okay. I'll get caught up. (I had to also get caught up from 2 days last week when I was at the orthodontist/dentist, so that's a lot of catching up to do.)
I also cried a lot on Monday. I cried because I was just lonely and sick. Maybe that's why I was crying.
One time I opened the cabinet and smelled bubble gum candy smell, and almost fell down with the upside down feeling.
My grandparents came over and brought some pretzels with peanut butter in the middle that's good when you have Upset Stomach and "ohhh, I hope you feel better..." I really did feel better because people were here and I love these people and these people really care about me.
This morning the alarm went off and my stomach literally cringed at the sight of the clock. I sat up in bed. Felt queasy. Went back to sleep. 7 A.M. "Shauna, are you feeling better?" "Nnnmmmm..." Slept until 10.
Wake up. Go downstairs and my mom is actually still here, so I sit and talk and we laugh. I eat more of the wonderful peanut butter pretzels and drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, because Sprite just makes me cringe at this point.
Then I started to cry again...
Guys, I'm serious. I've never cried this much in a consecutive order in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn't even pinpoint the cause anymore, everything was just upside down and nothing could be right.
I had the open book on my lap to study for the three tests I would make up and I just couldn't look at it.
It would help if I weren't an extreme perfectionist who hates making bad grades ever. It's a sickness.
It was just i'm gonna make a bad grade daddy's not here i'm lonely my stomach hurts mom please don't leave why am i such a pessimistic loser my stomach hurts please come home Dad.
And this is the really really really sad part.
My Dad left me on Friday.
I read my Bible.
I said my prayers for meals and before bed.
Mom and I talked about needing God to help us through hard times.
...
I didn't lean on God.
And if I had truly leaned on Him, given Him all my burdens to carry, maybe I wouldn't have made myself sick.
Maybe I could have made a few more people happy instead of making everyone feel bad for me, when truly my Dad is the one they should be truly worried about.
Maybe this break-up wouldn't be so hard if I were more accepting of God's will.
Maybe I'd be a better best friend.
Maybe I wouldn't let my Mom down.
Maybe I would be a better example to my little sister.
Or maybe, I would have been able to see the example of my sister, who has taken everything in stride with God in mind.
I'm ashamed to say that yes, I did think about these things before now.
But I was wallowing in self pity.
I thought well Shauna Blake Baker doesn't have hard times like this. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. Why is everything happening to me? Why can't I just be happy anymore? Why won't God let me be happy?
And truth is, I was the one making myself sick and miserable all the while.
Even looking back on this blog I'm overwhelmed at my uses of personal pronouns.
I would delete it now but I want you all to see that yes, I can be self-absorbed sometimes because I'm human.
But that was wrong.
Everything for the past few days has been I FEEL SICK and I AM LONELY and I NEED ATTENTION. But truly all I needed was to mend my relationship with God.
All I needed to do was just breathe, and relax, and stop stressing over things I can't change.
And STOP thinking I'm the only person in this whole world who deserves to be happy.
My mom deserved to be happy, but she has to drive back and forth every day to see my dad with tubes coming in and out of him, and then see my crying over my little problems.
My dad deserves to be happy, but HE has to be in Birmingham away from his family and in tons of pain and not able to play tennis for months.
My grandparents deserve to be happy and not worry over whether their son will be home anytime soon.
Everyone who has called me, everyone who has checked up on me and my family, everyone who has prayed for us, they deserve the satisfaction of my thanks. Not my pessimism. They haven't done anything wrong.
So I'm sorry to everyone and to my Heavenly Father, who deserves so much more praise and glory than I have given Him. He is forever in control.
And now that all this is behind me, I love my God and I love my family and I just love life and all it's many glorious blessings. I love that trials make me stronger and sorrows always have a way of escape.
And finally, I love myself and that my God made me in His own image. I make mistakes and I've made a whole stinkin' lot these past few days but I'm ready to go into the world and be different and be a soul winner for the cause of my Lord. =)
I've also decided that I will not date until I am married, and that I will never touch Sprite again.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30
The first thing you should probably know, in case you don't, is that my Dad has been in the hospital.
Woah.
The last time I was this afraid for my Dad was when he was in a car accident and was taken straight to the ER and we had to wait in the waiting room for like 2 hours before I knew anything.
Except this time, I've waited 5 days and they still don't really and truly know what's causing my Dad to have so much pain.
But luckily it's controlled now, and he can hopefully be home tomorrow. I really hope so. It's one of those things where I truly love my Dad, but maybe in the past I didn't always hug him before I left for school, or just say I love you for no reason, or ask his advice when I'm having a hard time. And now that I can't do all those things it's made me realize how much I really need my Dad, and I don't know what I would do if this was forever.
But luckily it's not, and I know for some people they aren't lucky enough to say that, and to them I am truly sorry. You are much stronger than I will ever be.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my Dad and I are alike. We really are. See Mom and Haley are the detailers. When they hear a story, they want to know everything about it. What time you got there what was the person's middle name what shirt were you wearing how did they say it why? All of those things. See me and Dad, sometimes we just really want to know the ending. We like absolutes, simplicity. We're more of 'sit there and listen' rather than ask questions about it. And it's not like I prefer that over the personality of other people because I love Mom and Haley and love talking to them, but it's just like me and Dad have that connection. I got that from him. I have his hair and his doubts and love for tennis, although his ability surpasses mine tenfold even with all the ridiculous surgeries he's had. He can whoop me anyday. We aren't always good with expressing our feelings, we're afraid to let our emotions show and sometimes we hide it when we're upset. We can't always put feelings into words but writing comes like breathing. My dad can write a letter that will bring you to tears, and he has many times that I've read them. He loves Math and chocolate, and he hates to feel that he has let himself down by not accomplishing his full potential. All these things he has instilled in me. Sometimes I let myself dislike something about myself and then I remember oh, I got that from my Dad, so I smile and all of a sudden I like myself again. :)
So yes, I love my Dad and that's been causing me stress that he isn't at home and nothing is normal.
Sunday I cried all stinkin' day long because Dad wasn't home and Mom wasn't home and I didn't have a boyfriend to cry to and my best friend was busy and my other best friend was gone and I just had to cry. I cried and cried and cried until my stomach just hurt and was in knots and I didn't want to eat.
Then about 1 A.M. I "got sick" (that's my nice word for throw up because I don't particularly like any other word people substitute there). After that I went to bed and felt better but then at 4 A.M. I was wide awake again with that same feeling. It was like something was taking everything in my insides and flipping it all backwards so it didn't fit quite right inside of me, and I thought I would get sick again but I didn't.
I didn't go to school that morning, and Mom left again to go to be with Dad.
I slept and slept and woke up and felt better, so at 11:40 I took the pre-written note that my mother had given me and checked in to school thinking that everything would be okay. I ate graham crackers for breakfast. I was feeling okay.
I got to class and sat down and felt all the eyes on me and the feeling was back. Everything that was so common place in my life had been thrown around inside of me and I couldn't be comfortable there. At 12:00 I said I was sick and went to the nurse. At 12:30 I went to Wal-Mart to get advil and sprite, and I went back home.
(p.s: sprite gets really old when it's the only thing you drink for 24 straight hours. just fair warning.)
So I thought well I must have a stomach virus and so I stayed home and didn't go to band practice after asking and making sure that was okay with Mr. Prather, which it was because of course he wanted me to rest and I'm pretty sure he probably didn't want the whole band with a virus on Saturday for competition.
Yeah, let's add a little bit more stress. I've missed two practices and competition is Saturday. We have one practice left.
So Monday I stayed in bed and just took it easy and thought well, by tomorrow this stomach virus will be gone and I can go to Youth Leadership Thing and it'll all be okay. I'll get caught up. (I had to also get caught up from 2 days last week when I was at the orthodontist/dentist, so that's a lot of catching up to do.)
I also cried a lot on Monday. I cried because I was just lonely and sick. Maybe that's why I was crying.
One time I opened the cabinet and smelled bubble gum candy smell, and almost fell down with the upside down feeling.
My grandparents came over and brought some pretzels with peanut butter in the middle that's good when you have Upset Stomach and "ohhh, I hope you feel better..." I really did feel better because people were here and I love these people and these people really care about me.
This morning the alarm went off and my stomach literally cringed at the sight of the clock. I sat up in bed. Felt queasy. Went back to sleep. 7 A.M. "Shauna, are you feeling better?" "Nnnmmmm..." Slept until 10.
Wake up. Go downstairs and my mom is actually still here, so I sit and talk and we laugh. I eat more of the wonderful peanut butter pretzels and drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, because Sprite just makes me cringe at this point.
Then I started to cry again...
Guys, I'm serious. I've never cried this much in a consecutive order in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn't even pinpoint the cause anymore, everything was just upside down and nothing could be right.
I had the open book on my lap to study for the three tests I would make up and I just couldn't look at it.
It would help if I weren't an extreme perfectionist who hates making bad grades ever. It's a sickness.
It was just i'm gonna make a bad grade daddy's not here i'm lonely my stomach hurts mom please don't leave why am i such a pessimistic loser my stomach hurts please come home Dad.
And this is the really really really sad part.
My Dad left me on Friday.
I read my Bible.
I said my prayers for meals and before bed.
Mom and I talked about needing God to help us through hard times.
...
I didn't lean on God.
And if I had truly leaned on Him, given Him all my burdens to carry, maybe I wouldn't have made myself sick.
Maybe I could have made a few more people happy instead of making everyone feel bad for me, when truly my Dad is the one they should be truly worried about.
Maybe this break-up wouldn't be so hard if I were more accepting of God's will.
Maybe I'd be a better best friend.
Maybe I wouldn't let my Mom down.
Maybe I would be a better example to my little sister.
Or maybe, I would have been able to see the example of my sister, who has taken everything in stride with God in mind.
I'm ashamed to say that yes, I did think about these things before now.
But I was wallowing in self pity.
I thought well Shauna Blake Baker doesn't have hard times like this. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. Why is everything happening to me? Why can't I just be happy anymore? Why won't God let me be happy?
And truth is, I was the one making myself sick and miserable all the while.
Even looking back on this blog I'm overwhelmed at my uses of personal pronouns.
I would delete it now but I want you all to see that yes, I can be self-absorbed sometimes because I'm human.
But that was wrong.
Everything for the past few days has been I FEEL SICK and I AM LONELY and I NEED ATTENTION. But truly all I needed was to mend my relationship with God.
All I needed to do was just breathe, and relax, and stop stressing over things I can't change.
And STOP thinking I'm the only person in this whole world who deserves to be happy.
My mom deserved to be happy, but she has to drive back and forth every day to see my dad with tubes coming in and out of him, and then see my crying over my little problems.
My dad deserves to be happy, but HE has to be in Birmingham away from his family and in tons of pain and not able to play tennis for months.
My grandparents deserve to be happy and not worry over whether their son will be home anytime soon.
Everyone who has called me, everyone who has checked up on me and my family, everyone who has prayed for us, they deserve the satisfaction of my thanks. Not my pessimism. They haven't done anything wrong.
So I'm sorry to everyone and to my Heavenly Father, who deserves so much more praise and glory than I have given Him. He is forever in control.
And now that all this is behind me, I love my God and I love my family and I just love life and all it's many glorious blessings. I love that trials make me stronger and sorrows always have a way of escape.
And finally, I love myself and that my God made me in His own image. I make mistakes and I've made a whole stinkin' lot these past few days but I'm ready to go into the world and be different and be a soul winner for the cause of my Lord. =)
I've also decided that I will not date until I am married, and that I will never touch Sprite again.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30
Sunday, October 3, 2010
making polite conversation
Why do I spend more time obsessing over how this page looks rather than the actual words?
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
strength
Everything is going to be okay, because:
I never want to be without God.
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."
- Deut. 31:6
"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"
- Ps. 27:1
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
- 1 Cor. 10:13
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."
- Proverbs 3:5-6
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
- Isaiah 40:28-31
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
- Matthew 11: 28-31
"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: “ For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.” Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 8: 31-39
Saturday, September 25, 2010
question mark
Today has been the weirdest day I've had in a very long time. It wasn't that the events of the day were weird per say, but my reaction to normal day activities and things like that were plum strange. Today was supposed to be pretty special because I went to a youth day in Adamsville, Alabama. Put young Christians with my almost-never-seen boyfriend and lots of singing and I should be one happy girl. But before I ever left, I already missed everyone. Can you miss someone you're staring right in the face? I missed Taylor as soon as I saw him, before we ever spoke, because I knew it would have to end and we'd be apart. I missed all my friends even before the first song was lead. I missed just being and feeling so at home in this place of people with like faith and the support that I felt. I missed it not only in past tense but in future. It was incredibly weird.
When I left it felt as if there were a huge gaping hole that was eating out my insides. I felt sick. I don't have any clue why; I heard 3 great gospel lessons and spent time with people I absolutely love, but I felt horrible. I felt bad and I was angry with no reason at all. I couldn't tell you who in the world I was angry with, more than likely just myself for feeling the way I did. Without going into great detail, I began to doubt everything that was so common knowledge to me before. I questioned all my convictions. It was scary.
I don't know how I went from 5 minutes ago feeling horrible to this random epiphany, but I realized that without trust you'll never feel secure. You can't keep questioning whether people are being truthful because you'll end up hurting them. Part of being a friend is trusting that person to take care of you and care about you. If you always question whether they truly care for you then the trust is broken. I hope I didn't do that.
Today has been one big question mark. I was in a funk and I'm glad I got out.
When I left it felt as if there were a huge gaping hole that was eating out my insides. I felt sick. I don't have any clue why; I heard 3 great gospel lessons and spent time with people I absolutely love, but I felt horrible. I felt bad and I was angry with no reason at all. I couldn't tell you who in the world I was angry with, more than likely just myself for feeling the way I did. Without going into great detail, I began to doubt everything that was so common knowledge to me before. I questioned all my convictions. It was scary.
I don't know how I went from 5 minutes ago feeling horrible to this random epiphany, but I realized that without trust you'll never feel secure. You can't keep questioning whether people are being truthful because you'll end up hurting them. Part of being a friend is trusting that person to take care of you and care about you. If you always question whether they truly care for you then the trust is broken. I hope I didn't do that.
Today has been one big question mark. I was in a funk and I'm glad I got out.
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