i just want

to take God seriously. and for people to encourage me while doing that.

freedom

i think i have come to realize that much of my life is spent in constant complaint of the unfairness of our civilization and the distractions that Christians have to constantly face in a nation that is "falling away from God" and slowly God is being removed from every place where He used to belong. perhaps i am so used to the joys of southern american comfort and never having to worry over anything more strenuous than a chemistry test or my iphone dying and now it seems that the silliest discrepancies threaten to completely quench the flame of my faith

certainly i would love to see our nation unite and serve God with all the vigor and excitement of a battlefield but i don't reasonably expect that to happen, and maybe my focus has been a bit strayed. i really believe it has.

i cannot honestly read and examine the scriptures and expect my life to be easy. i am so blessed to be able to even mention God at all to my friends or at school or post scriptures online without fear of imprisonment at best and death at worst. i can't change the world but i can change me and hopefully spark a change in people around me, who might spark a change in people around them, who might be presidents and congressmen and might just change our nation, or our world. i would be ashamed to be in a conversation with paul about hardships and say "well life is just hard because speaking of absolute truth and total submission to God is just really frowned upon in my society and i like for everyone to like me and be comfortable around me" how lame does that sound? hopefully i'm not the only one who does feel that way sometimes though

there are people fighting every second for the right for me to just speak my mind and speak the truth and maybe it's time i stop waiting around watching the world change and waiting for these opportunities to one day be gone

job

"I think one day, you and Job will probably be best friends"
- Haley

I love her.

getting it together

sometimes i wish i had it all together. the strong warrior, the one who is down but knows how to get back up, the one who laughs at all the right times and prays at all the right times. the one who doesn't doubt or judge and knows how to turn a frown upside down. the one that stops people mid-sentence when they realize that they can't talk like that around her.

i'm still finding me, and maybe little by little i'm finding out how to become the person that God already sees.

who i am

i am a seventeen year old mistake maker and debtor. i am of the all who have "sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" and of those who should receive "the wages of sin, which is death".

but i am set free. because "there is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

i am a Christian. i am a follower of Christ and a student of God's word. i am in Christ Jesus because I am in the church of which He is head, "which is His body"

i have no qualification; i am neither a "baptist" or "methodist" or even a "church-of-christer" Christian, because i find no such qualifications in His Word. however unpopular this idea might be, i find that Christ promised to build His church and that there is "one body", which is His church. my Lord prayed that believers may "all be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in you; that they may also be one in Us" and Paul pleaded to "all who in every place call on the name of Jesus Christ our Lord" that we all "speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment" and what could be classified as division but denominations, which in its very definition mean division?

if this unity were not possible my Savior would not have prayed for it and Paul would not have commanded it through Holy inspiration

and so i belong to Christ Jesus. i do not belong to John Smyth or the pope or John Wesley, for Paul said that he heard of those saying "I am of Paul" or "I am of Apollos" or "I am of Cephas" and Paul asked "Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?"

these men did not die for my sins and I belong to no one's "church" but Christ's. for i know that "not everyone who says to Me 'Lord, Lord' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven." i am not a member of a denomination, i am a member of Christ's church because "for by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body", Christ's body, the church, in which "there is no condemnation"

i am "a living sacrifice". i am "transformed". i am "a peculiar people".

i am a sinner and saved, an imperfect girl with a Perfect Savior who says "In My Father's house are many mansions... I go to prepare a place for you"

yale

I got a letter from yale a few months ago and they just sent me a book telling me all about their college and how it's the best of the best of the best and I should go there, and even though it wasn't like "hello, you're amazing and we want to pay you to come here!" it was more like "hello Shauna, we've been notified of your academic achievements blah blah blah it still costs $50,000 per year to come here", still I felt so important because I got a letter with MY name on it from a college, and not just any college but it's stinkin YALE and I could've done a cartwheel, not to brag because they send out stuff like that all the time to all sorts of kids but still, I don't think excitement on receiving it is too cocky of me and if it is well then I apologize and I'll continue talking like it's just me here because basically it is

Has anyone else noticed that was one sentence? I just did, literally, like right now

So obviously my chances at getting into an ivy league school are looking pretty slim but maybe they look for abnormal, creative, insightful people so my paragraph sentence with a good enough argument to explain my reasoning might actually work in my favor. William Faulkner pulled it off so I don't see why periods should be such a big deal when there's such an awesome thought going on, why stop it? I believe insightful thoughts such as that are precisely what would distinguish me at an establishment such as that

But really people, I'm just ready to do something. Like I know I'm supposed to be satisfied with sitting within cement walls learning about things that a) I already know b) the teacher is reading out of a book and I will forget 5 minutes after the test or c) I'm not learning at all, I'm being suffocated by my idleness and feeling completely and utterly useless and can feel my mind actually deteriorating inside of me

Okay maybe that was a bit dramatic but really, that's just not it for me. I'm totally not afraid to go and live in a foreign country when I don't even know the language, or apply to an Ivy League school where I know I'll never be accepted but I just want to try anyway. I want to GO, I don't even care where but just don't try to put any boundaries because I want to go past those

Right now, Freed-Hardeman University is where my heart lies. It's like I have some kind of homing device inside of me screaming "go go go that's where you belong and you can become yourself, you need to be there" and of course it's because it's a Christian university and countless opportunities are there but that isn't even the only reason, I don't even know all the reasons and couldn't name them if I tried, it just feels like home already, like that's exactly where my puzzle piece fits

This life isn't home and I know I'll never be satisfied until I make it to heaven, but I've been given a life on Earth and my sole occupation will NOT be to sit within concrete walls and have my sense of adventure suffocated by the low standards that our society has set for teenagers. Our society pretty much says "yeah, you're a teenager so you're supposed to cheat on tests and get wasted on weekends and LIVE IT UP (i love that expression, that oxymoron just slaps you in the face doesn't it)" but last time I checked the Bible never said "and whilst you are a teenager you shall forsake everything I've commanded Christians to do because you just aren't ready yet, you're a BABY Christian, you don't have responsibilities" nope I'm pretty sure my Lord never said that, in fact He said "GO INTO ALL THE WORLD" and I'm not saying that staying in your hometown for your entire life is a sin, but sitting around being idle and not taking opportunities to glorify God is. and I don't feel bad about saying that

I don't know how in the world I got on the soap box but now I'm back and I took the detoured trip around my point to say this:

Life is more than this. I know it is. God has more for me and I'm ready to go find it.

tired

Sometimes I wish I could quit life except for things like singings and gospel meetings and youth functions and pretty much devote every moment of my time to being with other christians and that's all

Or in other words, stop being the drum major and high school student and average teenager and member of society and just be a Christian and that's all

But that isn't God's plan and I can't technically be a Christian in this world without living around those who aren't, because one of my commandments is to "go into all the world and teach" and I can't do that from the outside

I'm just ready for heaven

I want to have a walk and talk with Job for a few thousand years and listen to Peter preach a sermon and sing praise to God all day, every day, forever and be in the presence of GOD, the God I love and the God I serve and the God who's going to save me from being just an average high school student

Sometimes I'm just so tired but I'm on the right team and I've already won, and that gives me peace

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.

beautiful bride

new things are happening and old things have ceased happening and things that i don't completely understand are happening

life is moving forward and it excites me

when i was a little girl, kristin and i walked the circle of our grandparents' yard for hours one night. she had her very first boyfriend and was venting about how silly he was. she was in seventh grade i think so i was only in third. i thought i knew everything. i thought there was no one better on earth for kristin to go to for dating advice than myself. i wanted to feel important. i wanted her to need me.

kristin's getting married and that boy has such a treasure

i've started having a simple bible study every night with my friend dustin, we pick a chapter (we're in hebrews now) and we simply discuss the major points and what spoke the most to us, and it's not hard at all to do but it puts me in such a wonderful mood and i like having that connection with someone. he inspires me so much because he's off working very hard leveling a school and he's exhausted every night but he never forgets to remind me about our bible study. i just love him. he's awesome.

there are so many truly inspirational people in my life that i cannot begin to tell you about them all. lindy abercrombie is one. one day i'm going to write an entire blog about her and you just wouldn't believe how amazing that girl is. everytime i see her she's talking to someone about their life and it's almost never about hers, which makes me kind of sad, but she's just the kind of person who will always ask about you and never bring herself or her issues into conversation because she puts others above herself. she has such a good heart. that kind of heart which is naturally good. it seems so natural and becoming to her.

i wanna be just like her. in every way.

you know how "famous people" make all kinds of money and have glamorous lives and all? i feel so sorry for them. because lives like lindy's are the kind that are famous in the way that is most important. when she gets a boyfriend or loses/gains weight it isn't written across some magazine because those are silly reasons to be recognized. but she's famous to me. and in 40 years she's a name i will remember.

i think i'm overloaded from lack of blogging. i like this quote:

‎"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

home

i'm in love. i'm so in love and i'm ashamed that it took reading a book to re-convince me of just how deeply and irrevocably and undeniably i am in love.
i am in love with God. my God is the God who created everything. did you catch that? my God created everything. the breath you and i just took simultaneously, he gave us that. your brain cells and the billions of universes that exist and every cell contained in one square inch of your skin. thousands of species of trees and birds and bananas and everything you've ever seen, thought, or felt. my God was the mastermind behind it all. and i love Him.
why do i sometimes forget how privileged i am to serve Him? why does it become "i have to study, i have to pray, i have to worship" like i'm checking off my to-do list for the things-i-have-to-do-to-go-to-heaven. when did being a christian become more about making it to heaven and less about being completely and utterly in love with the One who created it all? being unable to imagine an eternity that was not filled with Him?

"The critical question for our generation- and for every generation- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

that paragraph scared me when i read it. how could i forget that? how could i go on dreaming about heaven and being frightened by hell and doing all these necessary things in my life to reach for one and avoid the other, but completely forget the love that God deserves and demands from His followers? God DESIRES that i love Him. me, little old shauna blake baker with the laugh that explodes at inappropriate times and the unhealthy stress level... God wants me to love Him. and He loves me. and oh, I cannot understand it but He loves me so much. and I'm in love with Him.

i hope i never forget this. i'm putting it in writing so that i will have somewhere to go, something to read my thoughts while i was so on fire for God that it hurts. because i'm not like this all the time. but oh, i want to be. i want want want to love more and more and more until i have nothing left to give and then, i want to give it all. i want to be vulnerably and defenselessly in love with God, so that the only thing i have to protect me from life is Him.

i want to be ready to die all the time. i want to look at my things and laugh at myself for collecting such an array of stuff that profits me nothing. i want to live like i'm ready to die so that i can finally live. what about heaven. i want to know what my mind will think the very second i enter the gates. what is the first thought that will enter my mind when i am finally in heaven? when i'm finally home? in times like this i want to be there so much and at other times my fleshly mind forgets that my laptop and estelle my cute little car and all the books on my shelf and the purses i buy even when i know i already own thirty, all those things are here like a vapor and then they will vanish. and what will be left? my love for God. that will be with me. that's the only possession that I can hold onto forever. my soul inside that aches to find it's Maker. the calling inside me that's always longing for home.

not a fan.

"Jesus was never interested in having fans. When he defines what kind of relationship he wants, “Enthusiastic Admirer” isn’t an option. My concern is that many of our churches in America have gone from being sanctuaries to becoming stadiums. And every week all the fans come to the stadium where they cheer for Jesus but have no interest in truly following him. The biggest threat to the church today is fans who call themselves Christians but aren’t actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them."

http://www.notafan.com/

souls and politics

i wish i knew the whole story. i wish i felt like my opinion was valid and be confident that i have an intelligent side to share.

truly, i don't know everything i need to know to make valid arguments about the subject. and i don't want to know everything. i'm blessed to have soldiers that risk their lives to keep me safe. i'm not a politician. i'm not informed enough to discuss every detail of the past 10 years.

but i can tell you the thoughts that are flying through my head right now.

i love souls.
i hate when christians argue with each other.
facebook debates are so pointless.
everyone doesn't go to heaven. people go to hell. and i can't stop that from happening.
the world is really messed up.
"not everyone that saith unto me 'lord, lord' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."
good people can be wrong.
passionate people can be passionate about something that is wrong.
feeling good doesn't guarantee righteousness.
some people can hear the gospel preached to them in the most eloquent or straight-forward ways, it doesn't matter, they're too proud to really soak it in.
sometimes, i'm afraid that i don't convey my love for god in a humble way. i want to be humble more than anything. i don't want to be misunderstood.

sometimes, it's easier and less stressful to not state your opinion. because opinions require taking sides, and what if your heart isn't just one-sided?

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

fellowship of the unashamed

I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die is cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane thinking, "chincy" giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or

popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised,

regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, walk by patience, lift by prayer and labor by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me - my colors will be clear.

Bob Moorehead

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith.'" Romans 1:16-17

knocking down walls

spring break cannot get here any faster.
is that the expression? or spring break cannot get here any slower... because that one makes more sense but i feel like the former is the more conventional phrase. i don't suppose it matters but in my mind things that don't matter sometimes matter more than with the average person. i think it means i'm an analyzer. or just ocd.

i'm kind of an organization junkie. i collect things that are supposed to organize my life and usually they don't. like tupperware boxes in my closets turn into big trash cans that store random stuff i never use but don't want to get rid of. i use my calendar religiously, though. i bought one that has the time tabs on it so i can actually write exactly when something will happen during the day instead of just a big mush of everythingihavetodoontuesday. i like that system a lot better. organized things make me feel good. it's like medicine for my mind.

today i went to a mary kay party and i don't think i've ever had so much fun in all my life. i had my make-up done and bought make-up and hung out with some of the women from church which was just fun in and of itself. i love grown-ups so much. i feel good when i talk to them.

now that my random thoughts have been released i'm ready for something actually kinda deep...

i wish self-esteem weren't such a dependent variable in my life. i wish my confidence were more sturdy. but today it's actually sky high. and i don't think that's cocky at all.

sometimes i try to put conditions on happiness. like i think that if i can make everything around me perfect, then i'll finally be happy. if i can just get this or that. if i'm liked enough. if i'm smart enough. but on days like today, i know everything isn't picture perfect. but it's okay. i'm happier than i have been in a while and it has nothing to do with what i have and everything to do with who i am. happy is waking up in the morning and being alive. happy is being a lover and a giver. happy is seeking to please others before yourself. happy is having Jesus to show you how.

i want to always be happy. and i am. but sometimes the devil builds walls between me and my happiness. he puts up insecurity and jealousy and heartbreak to keep me separated from God and happiness. my life consists of knocking down those walls. and one day, i'll break through the final wall that separates me from eternity. and i'll never ever worry about not being happy again.

"Let not your heart be troubled! You believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."
John 14:1-3

stream of consciousness

Earlier I went to a County Commission meeting and I got all dressed up (which was completely unnecessary but I like to dress up and mom said it'd be good if I looked nice) and went in to observe. It wasn't exactly a willful decision because it's a requirement for our youth leadership program, but it turned out to be not bad at all. Of course it only lasted 10 minutes so I can't really say this was a huge accomplishment for me, I might have been bored to tears if it had been any longer. But my favorite part was at the end when all the commissioners came over to us and shook our hands and we introduced ourselves. I love to meet people older than me. I felt so growny telling them all my name. I have a fascination with meeting adults, honestly... mostly because I can't wait to feel like I'm completely a part of their world. For a moment I felt like a professional adult, shaking hands and exchanging how-you-do's. It was a very self-satisfying feeling, although they might not have realized how exciting that was for me. I can't wait to be taken seriously. I might even go into politics one day.
Afterwards I had the sudden urge to be anywhere but home. Home is where I'd become casual again, just a teenage girl on a Monday night watching television and blogging about her melodramatic life. I wanted to go out in my khakis and dress shoes and pretty cardigan and pretend to be someone else for a while, someone unfamiliar but powerful and authoritative and respected. I place way too much emphasis on the world's opinion of me, I have to admit. I obsess over being the kind of person people will like. I want to be respected and influential to people... it seems so completely selfish when I am trying to put this into words. I suppose it is pretty selfish, to want so much to be liked... but I want it for other's benefit, too. I want someone to say in the last few minutes of their life that Shauna Baker was someone they never forgot, someone that changed their life for the better.
I want a family one day. I want to raise children and be the most caring mother they could ever know. But not too soft. I want to guide and be respected. I want to be the parent that doesn't have to punish their kids, because just the fear of disappointing me is enough to keep them out of trouble. I want a house that's always clean enough for surprise visitors, but comfty. Not rigid and fragile. I want crayon portraits on the walls, not expensive adornments that have no meaning. I want color and life. I want openness and unity in my home, connection and closeness. I want to be able to hear the music my daughter is playing in the next room. I want to gather in the living room at night because that's where the family feels most at peace, when we're all together and enjoying just being in each other's presence. I want love in my home. Maybe I'm asking for perfection, but if nothing else, there has to be love... flowing from the walls and ceiling and hardwood floors and gathered into each of our hearts.
Before I want a family, I want a husband. I want the man that God made me for, the one for whom I'm to be a helpmeet. I want lazy afternoons reading books and snuggling on the couch. I want little furniture but much planning in our small, familiar home. I want coordination but spontaneity. Colors that don't match but do. I want bible studies and youth rallies and teenagers at our home all the time. I want to be the forever hostess, always welcoming a visitor and never turns away neither a strange nor a familiar face from her home. I want to be loved because I'm godly and virtuous. I want to coordinate events with other Christian ladies... perhaps we'll start a weekly study on how to be godly wives, or how to evangelize, or how to raise faithful children. We can do anything if we have only passion. I want to write a novel and magazine articles and publish heartfelt words for teenage girls to read and grow from. I want to speak at ladies days and be known because I am godly. I want to be wanted for spiritual encouragement. I want to get phone calls in the middle of the night because a young girl needs encouragement. I want to be summoned when a sister in Christ has entered a crisis and needs support and guidance. I want to be the best I can be in everything that I'm good and learn to be good at things that I couldn't begin to do right now. I want to grow and love and be loved and be pleasing to God. I want to make change happen. I want to put a dent in worldliness, one that won't be soon forgotten when my life is over. I want to be a role model through spiritual beauty.
I have big dreams. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the world of being an average teenager but they're always there. I was not called out by God to be an average teenager... Maybe dreaming is a part of that. Or maybe that's just a part of me. But truly, there shouldn't be any distinction.

I love the sky. If someone were to ask me what I felt was God's most masterful and beautiful creation, the sky would immediately come to mind. It's like an indefinite canvas for God's painting, the colors change everyday and is beyond anything any artist could ever create. Anything beautiful that man can create... the ability came from God. I know this because of the beauty of his artwork, the sky and the mountains and the oceans and the intricate details of a tiny flower or human eye. The rivers flow into the oceans that rise into the clouds and wash the Earth again, and this cycle says that God is. The eyes receive an imagine which is then transmitted into the human brain and understood, felt, appreciated, and this process says that God is. The sun rises above the rocky mountain top creating a stream of color, and gradually crescendos into its highest point where the entire Earth is filled with life and color and vibrancy, and then the colors cool as the great light descends into its rest and the purple blue hues tell the Earth goodnight, and the stars twinkle as they awake from their rest and the swollen moonlight casts a heavenly glow on the resting world, and this work of art says that God is.

I wish I could be a bird, flying closer and closer into the warm color of day and the cool comfort of night. Departing in a twinkling and returning after seeing the entire world from a whole different view. Not tied down by any mortal force of gravity, completely free and unrestrained and fearless.

And the best part is that one day, I'll never have to be tied to Earth again. I'll soar on wings of eagles unto the place of eternal rest.

And if God's creation for only a short time is this beautiful, I can only imagine what heaven must be- His ultimate masterpiece.

bucket list

This weekend was possibly the two best consecutive days of my entire life.
Event one: Tyler Garrett was baptized into Christ on Saturday. My best friend, other than Hannah. The person I tell everything, even the things I'm ashamed of. The one everyone assumes I'm dating even though we're not and that gets on our nerves, but not too much. The one who heard my cousin preach about Jesus at my birthday party and began attending worship with me and then the past Saturday night, he heard a sermon and it just clicked, and it was the most amazing thing I believe I've ever witnessed. I don't in any way take credit for it... it was all part of God's masterful, wonderful plan. God is so almighty. At times like these when I try to put characteristics upon God, I can't do it. Because He just Is. He is All and in All. And His word touched Tyler's heart and upon hearing a few lessons, he was already convicted and convinced and CONVERTED to serving God. I can't wait to serve together. I can't even put a level of happiness with this. It's immeasurable. Thank you thank you thank you Lord.
Seeing his face reminded me of what it is to be new. To feel completely whole. Like you were wearing a scarlet robe and you arise white as snow. Clean and pure. Fresh and new and perfect, in God. IT'S SO AMAZING to see that look in someone's eyes. I want to talk more about this but I have so many things to say. I'm overloaded with lack of blogging.

This is named bucket list because I spent a lot of my weekend with Chris and Melissa, they opened their home to us and were so hospitable and I had the most amazing time. I wanted to load up all their books in Estelle and drive home with them. Thoreau, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, numerous biblical references, philisophical books and books just for fun... Melissa and I are definitely going to start sharing because we seriously talked for about an hour about just books. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a conversation so much on that topic.
When I went into their office (Melissa will see this and so yes, I was nosy and found this so I hope you don't mind) I saw they had both posted a bucket list and several points were highlighted which they had already accomplished. I was touched to see that 99% of their lists had to do with their relationships with God and each other. I came home in a frenzy to clean my room and organize everything all cutesy and put all my books on the shelf, and then I decided I needed to do a bucket list of my own since I've had a mental bucket list for quite a while I suppose. I don't have that best friend who just so happens to be my husband, and I don't get to be a housewife yet and spend lots of time reading books and cooking and being a youth minister's wife, but that life seems to be so amazing and fulfilling and I really hope and believe that Melissa loves it. I'm sure sometimes it isn't easy but I'm in love with the idea.

Shauna's bucket list.
1. write a book
2. convert someone to Christ
3. marry the most godly man I know
4. be the best wife that he could ever dream of
5. write for a Christian woman magazine
6. own a super expensive camera
7. read the whole bible
8. maintain organization wherever I live
9. be able to compare my life with that of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31
10. keep my house clean and welcome unannounced visitors
11. visit Italy
12. develop the art of home-cooking
13. learn to sew
14. read every classic novel
15. go on a mission trip
16. read a book twice
17. be a cool mom
18. learn to play guitar well
19. own a great dane
20. have the same best friend for 20 years
21. be a maid of honor
22. get paid to do something I love
23. be a housewife
24. have a home library
25. write music that brings someone to tears
26. learn to play piano
27. be a role model to someone and completely unaware of it
28. do something truly good for someone without seeking any recognition or praise, but only for the sake of doing it
29. experience life from the eyes of someone less fortunate
30. adopt a child

I had so much to say but this takes up so much time and I'm on a reading and organization kick

indecisive

reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. the tennis team
2. band
3. band
4. band
5. being drum major
5. I would really miss some people. I really would.
6. less opportunity to talk about Jesus and let my light shine
7. I hate being bored
8. I like going places constantly and staying busy
9. I eat a lot when I'm bored, that could be a bad thing
10. I've come this far already

I hate being indecisive. It's really not my favorite quality to say the least.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm trying out for All-State (remember in that blog I wrote about how I tend to want to be the best at everything I do and making All-State was one of my goals? I don't know who I'm talking to, I'd be thoroughly amazed if someone has read every single one of these. Anyway it's here (stop stressing shauna baker), just in case you're interested, whoever you are). But I think I'm doing a lot better about the whole not stressing out about every event of my life which involves the teeniest bit of competition because regardless of whether I'm first chair or don't pass scales, life goes on. And so it goes. And afterwards my favorite group of people are coming over to play guitar and help me de-stress and the excitement of seeing them just pretty much trumps any kind of uneasiness I'm feeling about the try-out. It will all be worth it.

I'm really in the mood to read instead of write so this isn't going to be very long, but I want to make it a personal goal to not get into the humdrum of school and life and business and forget what I felt like after Exposure and how on fire for God I was and still am. I hope I never ever forget what that's like again because truly it's such an amazing feeling. I love having hope. I don't understand how anyone can be happy without it. I have a lot to say on this topic but I'll save it for a later date.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39