Tuesday, May 31, 2011


i'm really gullible. i wish i wasn't like that. it hurts sometimes.

today i went shopping with the beautiful melissa clevenger and it's the most fun i've had in a very long time.

i would expand on both these topics if i had more time

my summer projects:
1. paint
2. read books
3. make friends
4. don't be gullible
5. become more philosophical
6. understand poetry better than i do right now
7. fall deeper in love with my family
8. fall deeper in love with God
9. collect my grandfather's stories
10. learn to do something i don't know how to do right now

oh yeah, and blog less.

Monday, May 30, 2011


"and maybe as we go through life we are becoming more and more complete, more and more who we are, because as we go along we find pieces of ourselves, and sometimes we lose pieces of ourselves too, and maybe if by the grace of God i live until i'm 80 i'll have found all of my pieces and i'll know who i am. or maybe by the grace of God i'll live until i'm 80 and i'll still be missing a few pieces because the moments where you find a piece are the best moments in this life and without them maybe i'd be better off dead. and maybe the last pieces are in heaven and after i've been there a little while Jesus will say "here you go, you might have been lookin for these, they've been with me the whole time." and then i'll smile because i'll know i get to spend eternity worshiping the One who scattered my pieces for me to find like plastic eggs full of candy on easter sunday, because he knew that to remind me of heaven he needed to give me little tastes of it on earth. because he knew that giving me this longing would serve as a reminder of what i am longing for, if i took the time to realize it.

that there are beautiful moments in life. dancing in the street and holding children and laying in the driveway watching stars and chasing sunsets. there are soft t shirts and blankets fresh from the dryer and some days the breeze is so perfect that you marvel you are alive to experience it. and someday someone will give you a gift because they know that you are the only person they know who will truly appreciate it, especially since it might be something like the law code of alabama from 1823. and someone will hold your hand and you will feel it in your chest where they tell you your heart is, even though you know in your brain that your heart just pumps blood. and someone will smile at you from a stage and everyone will know the smile was yours alone. and there are songs and poems and pieces of artwork that you could swear were created just for you, like someone else took your soul and gave it back to you after rearranging it a bit to make more sense. and every day something else about the world will amaze you, and you will be reminded of just how incredibly small you really are, and that's the way it is supposed to be. because each of these moments pales in comparison to how beautiful and perfect heaven will be, but they are here to show us what that perfect feeling is like"

you need to meet this girl. or at least read her blog (http://maryelizabeths.blogspot.com/)

i'm really blessed to know her.

Sunday, May 29, 2011


"looks like friday we're going bowling then eating steak and shake :)"
"i still don't know what that is! and what if i have something going on friday?"
"cancel them haha"
"lol i don't have plans. i would sound a lot cooler if i did though"
"well see now you can tell people you do so you already sound a lot cooler"
"touche... and i think it would probably add to my level of mystery, having plans a week in advance"
"yeah to make it better if someone asks who just be like oh it's just a friend haha"
"lol but you see, i'm in quite a dilemma, because it's not mysterious at all if I say yes immediately."
"true you have to play it off, but i don't understand why you didn't play the mystery card on me =P"
"but you see, i never said yes. you ASSUMED i said yes. so really and truly you don't even know if i want to go yet :)"
"you're a horrible person."

operation "become mysterious" is definitely a success

Friday, May 27, 2011

a fixed idea

What torture lurks within a single thought   
When grown too constant; and however kind,   
However welcome still, the weary mind
Aches with its presence. Dull remembrance taught   
Remembers on unceasingly; unsought   
The old delight is with us but to find   
That all recurring joy is pain refined,   
Become a habit, and we struggle, caught.   
You lie upon my heart as on a nest,   
Folded in peace, for you can never know   
How crushed I am with having you at rest   
Heavy upon my life. I love you so
You bind my freedom from its rightful quest.   
In mercy lift your drooping wings and go

-amy lowell

beautiful words of the english language:

"Happiness manifests itself through one act- smiling."
- kyle abernathy

things i can't stand

lots of people don't like me. sadly, i realize that i've been extremely naive and didn't actually realize this until... well, this year. more so the past few months. and now it's like i can spot it everywhere, people that really don't like me. i can't say i don't mind, because i've always really enjoyed feeling liked, or at least passively acknowledged, but to be disliked is an entire new concept and i don't think i like it. i guess i always knew that i would be closer to some people than others, and would relate more to a certain crowd than to others. but disliked means that some people aren't happy around me. some people would rather me be silent than speak. some people wish i would just go away. honestly, i'm really not bothered when there is no reason at all for them not to like me. when they just pull harsh feelings out of thin air. but it hurts deeper when they have a basis. perhaps they stretch it a bit, and dramatize my faults and my transgressions... they take a mistake i've made and hold it over my head forever and ever.

worse than being disliked is to be invisible. to be forgotten by someone who used to treasure your friendship like a special gift. to feel like your body is made of glass and all they ever do now is look straight through to the other side of you, without a second thought to who they've overlooked. no matter how loved i feel by people in my life, i still find myself missing that feeling of love that has been replaced with apathy.

i don't like to be forgotten. that's probably my least favorite feeling. and the one that is the most difficult to reverse.

because of all things that you might be able to make people do, you can't make them care.

maybe summer will be a relief from those things i cannot escape. high school exhausts me.

Friday, May 20, 2011

not a fan.

"Jesus was never interested in having fans. When he defines what kind of relationship he wants, “Enthusiastic Admirer” isn’t an option. My concern is that many of our churches in America have gone from being sanctuaries to becoming stadiums. And every week all the fans come to the stadium where they cheer for Jesus but have no interest in truly following him. The biggest threat to the church today is fans who call themselves Christians but aren’t actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them."

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


sometimes people change, and sometimes they will never change. sometimes the person you know may be an illusion, a pretense. sometimes we fail to see past imperfections and appreciate the beauty in everyone's character. isn't there beauty in everyone? maybe that's an idea rejected by most. sometimes first impressions are correct, but what if they are? is a rude person any less of a person? should we intentionally avoid anyone because of a first impression... what if they need that love? what if it's the only love they'll ever receive? but, of course, there's a time to believe and a time to be realistic, and sometimes people won't care and you can't make them. at that point your heart is the one that suffers the most ache, when you want so much to save someone from himself, but they refuse to see any problem arising until they are drowning and you cannot reach. but sometimes you have to hurt before you can learn, and how can we shun everyone who has ever disappointed us? who would we have left? we're all so very human, and without imperfect friends we would have no friends at all.

and sometimes, i'm the one that's changing. laughing a little louder and letting go a little easier. and maybe that's made all the difference.
maybe i'm growing up and i don't even realize it.
i wonder if anyone else's stream of consciousness is as confused as mine is.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

twisted minds of love-struck teenage girls

i'm trying to use this word less frequently but i believe it is appropriate in this instance:
i hate the societal view of dating.

i don't like when girls feel like they have to mold themselves into what they believe the guy wants to see and hear. they'll do anything in their power to be his girl, and they will change everything about themselves to please him. girls are beautiful and unique and so wonderful when they are completely themselves, and no one else. being true to their own hearts should be what attracts a guy, and not their malleability. their mystery and the challenge of winning their heart should cause the guy to fight to be respectable, chivalrous, and kind.

being attracted to a guy is not enough to base a relationship upon.

if he is rude to you before you ever go on a date with him, don't lie to yourself and say he'll change.

i hate how the guys who are after every girl on the planet, completely rude and untrustworthy... their egos are constantly boosted by girls who allow themselves to be sucked into their trap. because she wants to change him. she thinks when he's with her, things will be different.

he will seem different when he's around you, because HE'S AROUND YOU.

that doesn't mean he's a different or better person. it means he's putting up a front. watch what happens when you two don't work out... see if he really changed. he'll go right back to mister jerk pants.

and contrary to what you believe right now, i'm not even singling out one particular instance here. there are tons i know of. including myself.

i'm sick to my stomach when i think of heartache that can be caused by girls that want to reach out to a guy who needs some guidance. he just needs someone to point him in the right direction, once he gives up drugs and alcohol and partying and lying and cursing you're thinking he'll be a wonderful boyfriend.

don't date someone because you feel like you need to take care of them.

girls should feel taken care of in a relationship. not like a mother figure who needs to help this guy let go of all the horrible things that are polluting his life.

i think trying to help people is awesome. but you don't have to be his girlfriend to do that. you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

my stomach aches and aches and aches.

maybe i can just skip the whole dating thing. one day a man will walk up to me, sing me a song with his pretty guitar and quote scripture and i'll just say yes and we'll get married. happily ever after.

girls, please help me. make the guy fight for you. don't give yourself over so easily until you know he knows your value. you're worth more than you believe.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


i want to play electric guitar

lately, i've realized that it's very relaxing to not match. putting on random jewelry that doesn't really go together and is in a totally different color scheme than your outfit. it's a warm fuzzy feeling that says "i did that, and no one else, and it was all my idea."

i never think i'm humble enough. i feel like i try to change and i never do. it frustrates me to no end. how do i know if i'm being humble? if it's easier to spot faults in others rather than in yourself, shouldn't we all tell each other our faults? shouldn't somebody tell me if i'm being snobby? i want to know. i would be thoroughly impressed if someone had the guts to tell me that. but i don't want to tell other people their faults because that seems not nice or forgiving or positive. it's such a paradox. i don't make sense.

i want to become good at really weird things simply for the sake of conversation. like knitting and ukulele and karate

i read a book on dating and i've decided that i'm going to become more mysterious

i'm a very strange girl

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

souls and politics

i wish i knew the whole story. i wish i felt like my opinion was valid and be confident that i have an intelligent side to share.

truly, i don't know everything i need to know to make valid arguments about the subject. and i don't want to know everything. i'm blessed to have soldiers that risk their lives to keep me safe. i'm not a politician. i'm not informed enough to discuss every detail of the past 10 years.

but i can tell you the thoughts that are flying through my head right now.

i love souls.
i hate when christians argue with each other.
facebook debates are so pointless.
everyone doesn't go to heaven. people go to hell. and i can't stop that from happening.
the world is really messed up.
"not everyone that saith unto me 'lord, lord' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."
good people can be wrong.
passionate people can be passionate about something that is wrong.
feeling good doesn't guarantee righteousness.
some people can hear the gospel preached to them in the most eloquent or straight-forward ways, it doesn't matter, they're too proud to really soak it in.
sometimes, i'm afraid that i don't convey my love for god in a humble way. i want to be humble more than anything. i don't want to be misunderstood.

sometimes, it's easier and less stressful to not state your opinion. because opinions require taking sides, and what if your heart isn't just one-sided?

Sunday, May 1, 2011

still really like that book

"I believe there is a great deal too much mutual confession going on today, as if sharing one’s problems somehow makes them go away. All it really does, of course, is increase the number of people who have to worry about a particular issue." 

"I tell myself it does not matter what one reads-favorite authors, particular themes-as long as we read something. It is not even important to own the books."

"I don't believe the greatest views in the world are great because they are vast or exotic... I think the power comes from the knowledge that they do not change. You look at them and you know they have been the same for a thousand years." 

"He opened his mouth to say that she looked extremely beautiful and deserved armfuls of roses, but the words were lost in committee somewhere, shuffled aside by the parts of his head that worked full-time at avoiding ridicule." 

"Ah well, there you go. Young people are always demanding respect instead of trying to earn it. In my day, respect was something to strive for. Something to be given, not taken."

"Oh, it's simple pragmatism, Dad. It's called the real world. If we refused to do business with the morally questionable, the deal volume would drop in half and the good guys like us would end up poor. Then where would we all be?" said Roger. "On a nice dry spit of land know as the moral high ground?" suggested the Major."
(i never really liked roger very much)

"Passion is all very well, but it wouldn't do to spill the tea." 

"You are not the first man to miss a woman's more subtle communication . . . They think they are waving when we see only the calm sea, and pretty soon everybody drowns." 

"I know something of shame...How can we not all feel it? We are all small-minded people, creeping about the earth grubbing for our own adventure and making the very mistakes for which we want to humiliate our neighbors......I think we wake up every day with high intentions and by dusk we have routinely fallen short. Sometimes I think God created the darkness just so he didn't have to look at us all the time."

i've gained a lot of wisdom from that man

pride and prejudice quotes will be next