when i've been holding and holding and holding mightily for so long, letting go is so frightening

because releasing my grip means everything else will fall apart, too



i wear belts and pull them tight to hold me together

looking back

i used to be so good at seeing the good in people but i've found that lately and it's mostly because i've come to know some people who i truly don't really care for but i'm finding it so hard to be positive about them and to keep searching for good when people do and say stupid things and that scares me because i like when doing good is easy

this good of "loving your enemies and blessing those that curse you" is becoming a problem and i never dreamed that it would be but now it's here and i need all of you to pray for me and pray for my enemies while i do that too and i'm gonna try to go back to being the optimist that i used to be. i've heard that if you count ten of your faults before pointing out a fault in someone else that you tend to view that fault as less significant so i'm gonna start counting mine now

i judge. and i flatter. and i complain. and i have no right to make anyone else's faults any larger than mine

i have

friends that are so much more than friends that by definition they must be significant others (but not always in the lovey dovey significance, which always seemed a very bland term for someone you are so in love with anyway and i don't understand it. also it bothers me when people call young couples "lovers". i don't know, it turns my stomach in an upsetting way)

but my friends are like... i don't know. something metaphorical. they aren't ever together all at once but i get to experience bits and pieces of them and i'm not always thankful enough for my pieces

this is the most bittersweet time i have ever experienced in my life and i don't know whether to laugh or cry but usually i just do both

i don't know what i'm saying. i feel lost and found all at once and is that possible? i mean i've heard it said that one in four people are mentally unstable in some way and i know at least three normal people so...

pet peeve #1

"I hate doing _____, it's so stupid and I don't even know why I do it so I'm just going to constantly annoy everybody around me with 'ughhhh's and 'seriouslyyyyyy's and 'I hate my life's and pretend like I can't just QUIT and make everyone else happier in doing so"


if you hate your life, CHANGE IT. for pete's sake, stop making everyone else miserable.

my happy post

i rarely feel the need to blog when i'm happy, usually i have to be stressed or extremely annoyed or disappointed in society or just generally sad but today let me just tell you what's right

what's right is that there's a lady named barbara at the nursing home who is blind but has a precious soul and i like to hear her play piano, and i have a for real valentine this year who was well worth waiting for, and my family is hilarious and insightful but mostly hilarious such as this scene which I must share

Haley: "Pepper (our adorable shih tzu), you're everything I've ever wanted in a man. You're handsome, brave, loyal..."

Mom: "Short and hairy?"

*exploding laughter from me and mom for about 5 minutes*

also I really really love this song 

and my hair is just the right amount of curly finally so i am just happy in general

:)

young

i am not a young person.

young people don't have mental breakdowns over the apathetic nature of other young people and they usually have somewhere to be on friday night like i guess

they like the movies or just hanging out in a random parking lot somewhere

but they don't sit up reading cleopatra

or become so emotionally attached to friday night lights to the extent

that they are swelling up in tears every time julie rejects matt over the phone because he left her alone to pursue a life in chicago

(i'm almost done with the last season and i'm pretty sure i will need a therapist when that happens)

i would love to go back to hugging my best friend for no reason while we wait in line at subway 

and squealing as we check off the names in MASH and find out who we will marry one day

and taking 30 pictures in a row with every facial expression we can think of

but even worse than not being a young person is not being an adult either

being in this in-between where i don't really belong in either category

floating somewhere between the people i've left and the people who seem to have left me

and wishing that life could push me farther forward to catch up

this place i'm in, it feels very useless. very vague and foggy so that i can't even see the ground i'm standing on sometimes

i am so impatient but i would be completely happy being an in-betweener if there was anyone to stand with me and complain about it too. i feel that i am an annoyance to both groups because my puzzle piece just doesn't quite fit

little

i think life would be easier if i was grown up
not in the cynical i want to be closer to my death way but in the mentally and emotionally mature way
so i would know how to handle more things without crying and see
the bright side when all i see is gray

i feel very little today. little and silly