drifting

people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.

my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before

but maybe i'm drifting, too

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.

mediocre

i'm a really poopy best friend. i don't know why matt and hannah and lindy picked me because i'm horrible at it. and you'd think that after so many years of having best friends that i'd quit doing silly things like making promises i won't be able to keep because i promise one i'll hang out this day and another i'll go to such and such... on the same day... and then another asked me to skip both and hang out and i say "what time?"
seriously? what kind of twisted friend schedules something for all three best friends on the SAME NIGHT?
a very bad one.

i'm sorry, all of you. i completely understand if one day you got completely fed up with my mediocrity of friendliness and decided to search other venues for someone more equipped for the job. obviously i just don't cut it. ever.

i judge others too harshly. i make so many mistakes but sometimes i think i like to exaggerate others' mistakes and minimize mine.

i need to pack for camp but i think i'm too disgusted with myself and i'll probably pack everything that looks the ugliest

i love you.

beautiful bride

new things are happening and old things have ceased happening and things that i don't completely understand are happening

life is moving forward and it excites me

when i was a little girl, kristin and i walked the circle of our grandparents' yard for hours one night. she had her very first boyfriend and was venting about how silly he was. she was in seventh grade i think so i was only in third. i thought i knew everything. i thought there was no one better on earth for kristin to go to for dating advice than myself. i wanted to feel important. i wanted her to need me.

kristin's getting married and that boy has such a treasure

i've started having a simple bible study every night with my friend dustin, we pick a chapter (we're in hebrews now) and we simply discuss the major points and what spoke the most to us, and it's not hard at all to do but it puts me in such a wonderful mood and i like having that connection with someone. he inspires me so much because he's off working very hard leveling a school and he's exhausted every night but he never forgets to remind me about our bible study. i just love him. he's awesome.

there are so many truly inspirational people in my life that i cannot begin to tell you about them all. lindy abercrombie is one. one day i'm going to write an entire blog about her and you just wouldn't believe how amazing that girl is. everytime i see her she's talking to someone about their life and it's almost never about hers, which makes me kind of sad, but she's just the kind of person who will always ask about you and never bring herself or her issues into conversation because she puts others above herself. she has such a good heart. that kind of heart which is naturally good. it seems so natural and becoming to her.

i wanna be just like her. in every way.

you know how "famous people" make all kinds of money and have glamorous lives and all? i feel so sorry for them. because lives like lindy's are the kind that are famous in the way that is most important. when she gets a boyfriend or loses/gains weight it isn't written across some magazine because those are silly reasons to be recognized. but she's famous to me. and in 40 years she's a name i will remember.

i think i'm overloaded from lack of blogging. i like this quote:

‎"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

missing teeth

people are like teeth in your mouth. the more you love them, the deeper their roots go. the more it hurts when they're taken away. when they choose to pull away from you, they leave a sore spot. and even though you know you're only hurting yourself, your tongue keeps going to that sore spot where that person used to be. a missing tooth is a gap in your smile, a piece of your happiness that's missing. it's a part of yourself that you've lost.

but eventually, i guess we all have to learn to love our smile even when we have teeth missing. it's like a battle scar, a proud reminder of what we've endured to become the people we are now. 

like everything else, it takes time to heal.

melody and harmony

this is about hannah elizabeth cooper. she is my favorite person in the whole entire world, and i'm sorry if you were shooting for that title because it's very unlikely that you could replace her. she has been my best friend for as long as i have breathed. she is compassionate and excited and humble and silly and reflective and honest and hilarious and caring and wise. she can interpret my thoughts before i can even begin to comprehend them. she helps me understand why i act the way i do. she has personal experience to help with every problem i could ever face, because we quite literally live each other's lives. we form opinions that coincide with each other's and when we find out it's like magic. she never wants me to be anything other than myself. she never makes me feel guilty. she doesn't want me to settle. she helps me dream. we can talk about our most intimate fears and laugh over them. on that note, our fears are usually congruous. we know each other and we can tell what the other is thinking. she unscrambles my thoughts. she makes me realize things that are undeniable, but I would have never accepted on my own. she makes me laugh louder and smile more confidently. she takes pleasure in little things that others might find ridiculous. chasing ducks. grocery shopping. harmonizing with our ipod. with her i can cry unashamed. with her i can be as silly as possible. i'm never uncomfortable, even if we're in public. i can be completely and entirely myself when i'm with her, no matter who else is present. i'm a better conversationist when she's around. i'm not as awkward. i'm friendlier and happier. i don't doubt myself or worry over other people's opinions. i don't try to be a crowd pleaser when i know it's an unchristian thing to do in that circumstance. i'm stronger in God. we can talk about God and Christian living and i feel closer to Him because i see Him in her. we pray together. she's a light that shines upon the truths in my life. she's the anchor that keeps me steadied. she's imperfect but perfect in God. she makes mistakes but she's always ready to push through them. she will disappoint me but i will love her more because she is human. she is unselfish. she is beautiful, beginning with her inner soul and shining out to every part of her and evident to everyone who beholds her. 

she is my best friend. i'll never let that change, as long as either of us lives. she's made her forever mark on my heart. if life is a melody, then our friendship is the harmony that makes every moment of it infinitely more beautiful. 

valentine

It has been brought to my attention that I don't have a boyfriend. Which I was aware of.
It has also been brought to my attention (by someone that I love to death) that I don't have a boyfriend because every time I meet someone I really enjoy being around, I become their best friend instead. And then I feel like we're too close of friends for it to be anything more.
Yeah... talk about a punch in the stomach. Because it's totally true.

I was going to vent. But then this would turn into some average melodramatic teen blog where the girl seems to feel that she is the only being on the planet and that she's miserable and lonely and being single is the worst curse anyone could ever have. And I'm not gonna do that, because I like to think there's a bigger picture that I can focus on. Me being single < starving children all over the world. Me being lonely sometimes < losing someone I love. Me having two guy best friends > me having no friends at all. And then being single doesn't seem so bad.

I really want to be loved one day. Get married and have four kids and a great dane with an oxymoronic name (such as Tiny) and a big front porch and a library and a husband to play guitar and sing for me. But I'm not spazzing out because I don't have that yet, nor anything close to it.
I've got a life to live, there's no need to think that every good thing has to happen all at once. I have a lot of good things now and I'll be blessed with many good things to come. God knows what plans He has for me.

Even while I'm trying to throw all these optimistic punches at my bad mood sometimes the truth leaks through. It's scary to think that maybe I push people away. Maybe I'm so afraid of the word love that I overuse it in the friend sense and that way it won't surprise me and that person will already be used to the idea, and so I'm in friend zone forever and ever. Because apparently once you become such good friends with someone, you can't be anything other than just that- best friends. That's my completely illogical way of thinking, anyway. But maybe it's not an accident. Maybe it's a subconscious defense to being hurt/being the hurter. I hate the last one most of all.

I feel completely ridiculous. But I wouldn't be an honest blogger if I didn't express these worries, and what kind of blogger does that make me? The sugar coating kind. The kind who doesn't want anyone to think she has a kink in her self-esteem.

I WORRY ABOUT NEVER GETTING MARRIED

There. But I'm a teenage girl. We're allowed. It's our privilege.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna go around and sulk all the time because I don't have a boyfriend. It means sometimes I think. I ponder things.
But I can still be a happy gal.
Letting one person control our happiness is a scary situation in and of itself. Trust me.
Maybe I should skip on to something cute.

I received one valentine present from Tyler aka best friend and he's a frog and his name is Clyde. I love both of them, a whole lot

bucket list

This weekend was possibly the two best consecutive days of my entire life.
Event one: Tyler Garrett was baptized into Christ on Saturday. My best friend, other than Hannah. The person I tell everything, even the things I'm ashamed of. The one everyone assumes I'm dating even though we're not and that gets on our nerves, but not too much. The one who heard my cousin preach about Jesus at my birthday party and began attending worship with me and then the past Saturday night, he heard a sermon and it just clicked, and it was the most amazing thing I believe I've ever witnessed. I don't in any way take credit for it... it was all part of God's masterful, wonderful plan. God is so almighty. At times like these when I try to put characteristics upon God, I can't do it. Because He just Is. He is All and in All. And His word touched Tyler's heart and upon hearing a few lessons, he was already convicted and convinced and CONVERTED to serving God. I can't wait to serve together. I can't even put a level of happiness with this. It's immeasurable. Thank you thank you thank you Lord.
Seeing his face reminded me of what it is to be new. To feel completely whole. Like you were wearing a scarlet robe and you arise white as snow. Clean and pure. Fresh and new and perfect, in God. IT'S SO AMAZING to see that look in someone's eyes. I want to talk more about this but I have so many things to say. I'm overloaded with lack of blogging.

This is named bucket list because I spent a lot of my weekend with Chris and Melissa, they opened their home to us and were so hospitable and I had the most amazing time. I wanted to load up all their books in Estelle and drive home with them. Thoreau, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, numerous biblical references, philisophical books and books just for fun... Melissa and I are definitely going to start sharing because we seriously talked for about an hour about just books. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a conversation so much on that topic.
When I went into their office (Melissa will see this and so yes, I was nosy and found this so I hope you don't mind) I saw they had both posted a bucket list and several points were highlighted which they had already accomplished. I was touched to see that 99% of their lists had to do with their relationships with God and each other. I came home in a frenzy to clean my room and organize everything all cutesy and put all my books on the shelf, and then I decided I needed to do a bucket list of my own since I've had a mental bucket list for quite a while I suppose. I don't have that best friend who just so happens to be my husband, and I don't get to be a housewife yet and spend lots of time reading books and cooking and being a youth minister's wife, but that life seems to be so amazing and fulfilling and I really hope and believe that Melissa loves it. I'm sure sometimes it isn't easy but I'm in love with the idea.

Shauna's bucket list.
1. write a book
2. convert someone to Christ
3. marry the most godly man I know
4. be the best wife that he could ever dream of
5. write for a Christian woman magazine
6. own a super expensive camera
7. read the whole bible
8. maintain organization wherever I live
9. be able to compare my life with that of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31
10. keep my house clean and welcome unannounced visitors
11. visit Italy
12. develop the art of home-cooking
13. learn to sew
14. read every classic novel
15. go on a mission trip
16. read a book twice
17. be a cool mom
18. learn to play guitar well
19. own a great dane
20. have the same best friend for 20 years
21. be a maid of honor
22. get paid to do something I love
23. be a housewife
24. have a home library
25. write music that brings someone to tears
26. learn to play piano
27. be a role model to someone and completely unaware of it
28. do something truly good for someone without seeking any recognition or praise, but only for the sake of doing it
29. experience life from the eyes of someone less fortunate
30. adopt a child

I had so much to say but this takes up so much time and I'm on a reading and organization kick

my favorite

My new favorite thing to listen to: http://stereomood.com/mood/calm. It's a playlist of calming music. Right now I'm listening to a piano piece and I feel like such a loser because I'm like tearing up. It's so beautiful. I think my two favorite instruments to listen to are solo piano pieces, and acoustic guitar. Both are just so calming and pure and true. I know why I love music, and it's all about emotion. Music expresses emotions that transcend words... That's so cliche but I believe it with my whole heart. I could spend my entire life dedicated to making music (aside from being a Christian of course) and be completely content. But I don't ever want my career to be just that because then it isn't just a passion anymore, it's my job and it becomes monotonous and a daily task instead of just an impulsive reaction to daily things, like when I have a bad day and so I decide to sit down and play guitar and suddenly everything feels so much lighter and I can breathe again. I'm afraid if I ever pursue music as a career I will forget to use music as an escape too, because then I won't be escaping from anything because I do it all day every day anyway... That might not make sense but this is mostly for me and I know what I'm talking about. I know I have to marry somebody who loves music just as much as I do because I'm so passionate about it that to someone that isn't passionate about it I'm sure it would be extremely annoying to live with. Even the most agreeable husband in the world (which is by the way another trait that is definitely on the checklist for my future husband, since I'm potentially annoying sometimes) is gonna tell me to shut up singing eventually if he doesn't love music like I do. A regular person wouldn't want to hear me singing all day every day for the rest of their lives but a music lover wouldn't mind, hopefully. If he does then I guess I'll just have to pick between either my music or him, and I'm sure he wouldn't like how that decision is going to turn out because music wins even if he's the most gorgeous creature in the universe. 
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.

eleven

days to look forward to/days I hope will occur in 2011

1. the day I'm legal and the world takes me seriously

2. the day that I go back to Indian Creek Youth Camp

3. the day that Project 7 Days gets 1 million signatures and creationism is brought back into our schools (might take over a year but I'm excited nonetheless)

4. the day I meet my somebody who is gonna actually love me and treat me like somebody and make me see my true worth

5. the day I get accepted into Freed-Hardeman with a solid foundation (a good scholarship)

6. the day Jason Reeves releases his "Lovesick" album

7. the day I finally read House Rules by Jodi Picoult

8. the day I become a SENIOR

9. the day that I can eat anything and not get fat (not gonna happen)

10. the day that I feel I've changed a child's life

11. the day that I'm at Exposure 2011 singing praise to God and I realize that the past year has not been a waste, but that I'm stronger in Christ and I've been beneficial to His kingdom in the past year.

people that changed me in 2010

1. paige jelks

2. every soul who sang on that night of worship (december 29th) and encouraged me to "be mine no more" and give my life back to God

3. hannah elizabeth cooper

4. my mother, father, sister

5. the apostle peter (made me realize that I can make mistakes and still be a precious child of God)

6. highway 9 church of Christ, and the jacksonville church of Christ youth group

7. mary butterworth and kathryn clark

8. jessica mccord

9. kristin clevenger

10. anyone who made a stand for the faith while I was silent, and taught me to be unashamed

11. the ones who get left out, the outcasts who sit at lunch alone, those that have learned how to be unliked and are not afraid to be unpopular, those who are secure in their abnormalities compared with worldliness and are proud to be different,  those who are braver than me to be who they are and try to please no one but God almighty even if the whole world is against them.

things I wish I could take back from 2010

1. not going to 5th session backwoods

2. being in the Bible less than I should

3. being a wimp when it comes to standing up for the faith

4. getting off my diet

5. falling in love

6. stressing over small things

7. missing out on the little moments

8. gossip

9. not finishing books I started

10. missing RUSH at freed-hardeman

11. complaints

things I did right in 2010

1. wrote my sister a song

2. left bad friends for better ones

3. made my life right with God before it was too late

4. painted my walls blue and traded my humongous bed for a futon

5. bought my guitar

6. told hannah everything

7. remained a friend to someone even though it caused heartache

8. wrote my first blog

9. fell in love... yes, that's a contradiction

10. let my mom be my example

11. tried out for drum major

things I will try to do in 2011

1. keep on doing the things I did right in 2010

2. be healthy and active, but happy with myself when I'm lazy too

3. measure success by my insides and not my outsides

4. conquer my addiction with constant socialization and be happy with just me and my Bible sometimes

5. don't sweat the small stuff

6. don't complain/be more content

7. keep a smile on even when it's hard

8. lean on God

9. love without restraint or boundaries

10. have patience

11. practice to become better at everything I do, but don't stress if I'm not the best at it

songs that describe 2010 for me

1. someone somewhere, jason reeves 

2. miserably loving you, artist vs. poet 

3. god gave me you, dave barnes

4. i want to hold your hand, beatles

5. let's just fall in love again, jason castro

6. beautiful disaster, jon mclaughlin

7. if this was a movie, taylor swift

8. haven't met you yet, michael buble'

9. if you're gone, matchbox 20

10. your love is a song, switchfoot

11. something beautiful, needtobreathe

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

and I won't let a second of it go to waste.

day one

Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.

But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.

Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.

It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.

I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.

The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.

Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.

"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31, 35-39