in real life

here's shauna in my head: she likes to take long runs to relieve her stress and doesn't ever complain, doesn't let anyone run over her ambitions but kindly speaks her mind with boldness. kids love her and people want her in charge. she can strike up a conversation with anyone and bring it to God within the first few sentences, and knows how to make a statement without saying anything at all. her words are usually few but delicately valuable. she knows when to listen, when to say little and when to comfort with carefully chosen words that soothe. she's practical and happily silent except when words are necessary. she loves with a careful consideration of the costs.


here's shauna in real life: she likes to take runs, usually punctuated by frequent walks, and will usually complain of the heat when she's finished. she has ideas in her head which are spoken boldly to third parties but are carefully and apologetically molded to suit the fancies of others. she believes children are a true blessing and longs to have a family of her own... but finds it difficult to take charge of other children due to chronic pushoverness. people put her in charge because she is easy to agree with (considering her own ideas are usually moderated to suit others) and she finds organization, responsibility and agreeableness to be her strong points. sometimes she avoids casual acquaintances in public because of her distinct dislike and fear of casual conversation (if the conversation can't begin with a hug, you can count on it being extremely awkward). she believes herself to be a good listener and usually has good advice to give, but also seeks advice on every remotely important decision she makes. she loves indefinitely, immeasurably, without boundary or practicality. she possesses a hopelessly romantic spirit whose sole purpose on this earth is to love and be loved with the best she can give.

i find me more and more every time i do one of these

real conversation

i love frank sinatra and big parties and snuggling in my chair with gone with the wind and my reindeer blanket and scarves and togetherness and painting

i wish all year i could wear snuggly clothes and drink a ridiculous amount of coffee and have long mom talks. i like long nights because nights are when i'm most myself and when i feel like i can have control. i can paint or read or watch friday night lights on netflix or just have a real conversation. i feel like life would be so much more fulfilling and everyone would just feel better if they had a real conversation at least once a day, the kind where you ask questions you really don't have the answer to and you meditate on the how and why more than the who and where. sometimes i feel like those are the only ones that really count, the challenging and provoking and sometimes uncomfortable conversations that stay deep in your mind even after it's over, leaves you itching with even more questions than you started with and makes you wonder if you've really had it all wrong all along. no sugar coats or "well let's change the subject"... sometimes i think we hold ourselves back by changing subjects. pet peeve of mine.

random tangent, i forget how many things just get stored up inside my mind until i start typing. moral of the story: have a real conversation with someone today. i hope it either warms your heart or keeps you lying awake for hours tonight, either way it just feels like living

freedom

i think i have come to realize that much of my life is spent in constant complaint of the unfairness of our civilization and the distractions that Christians have to constantly face in a nation that is "falling away from God" and slowly God is being removed from every place where He used to belong. perhaps i am so used to the joys of southern american comfort and never having to worry over anything more strenuous than a chemistry test or my iphone dying and now it seems that the silliest discrepancies threaten to completely quench the flame of my faith

certainly i would love to see our nation unite and serve God with all the vigor and excitement of a battlefield but i don't reasonably expect that to happen, and maybe my focus has been a bit strayed. i really believe it has.

i cannot honestly read and examine the scriptures and expect my life to be easy. i am so blessed to be able to even mention God at all to my friends or at school or post scriptures online without fear of imprisonment at best and death at worst. i can't change the world but i can change me and hopefully spark a change in people around me, who might spark a change in people around them, who might be presidents and congressmen and might just change our nation, or our world. i would be ashamed to be in a conversation with paul about hardships and say "well life is just hard because speaking of absolute truth and total submission to God is just really frowned upon in my society and i like for everyone to like me and be comfortable around me" how lame does that sound? hopefully i'm not the only one who does feel that way sometimes though

there are people fighting every second for the right for me to just speak my mind and speak the truth and maybe it's time i stop waiting around watching the world change and waiting for these opportunities to one day be gone

girl

i've always said how much i love being a girl. i love being the weaker sex, the one to be chased and treasured. emotional and compassionate and sensitive. being able to cry in books and give hugs just because.

i've now entered the real world. the world where sometimes, no matter what good things i do or say or how kind or generous or intelligent i am, i will only be something to look at. some will never take the opportunity to know my heart; they will go no deeper than my skin. i hate that.

cute shoes

i never blog anymore. but maybe that's good because it means life has other things for me to do

i really enjoy blue gatorade. quite obsessively, actually. and cream cheese & chives crackers (and not only because of that amazing alliteration)

and finally an excerpt from one of the greatest conversations ever:
"i hate cute shoes that are uncomfortable! they're so tempting but so evil..."
"yield not to temptation baby!"
"i know! i gotta step it up, resist the shoes and maybe they will flee from my closet..."
"you can wear them to church"
"they need to be in church!"

apathy

i'll tell you right now what is poisoning the minds of young people and old people and white people and black people and rich people and poor people you wanna know what it is? APATHY. that's it. it's all about apathy. failing and cheating and stealing and lying and the usual do-nothing-ness is all apathy. i wish i could just stuff some CARE into the brain of every young person. just fill it with a lot of CARE. it doesn't even matter to me what it is, just care about something. care about trees or care about your momma or care about God like i wish everyone would but just stop not caring about anything at all, ever, period. and stop doing things we hate. why do we do the things we hate? when we have a maximum 100 years to live on this earth why in the world would we do anything we absolutely hate when there are a million other things to try that we might love? stop sitting in the desk or on the church pew or on the football field or band field or wherever you go all the time if you don't CARE about it. because for the people that do care it's a very big discouragement to be surrounded by those who don't.

i care about a lot of things and i care about people who don't care and i just want you to know that for pete's sake, there ARE beautiful things in life and things become infinitely more enjoyable if you will just give them a chance. i promise school is bearable when you try not to fail, it can actually be quite pleasant sometimes and sitting on a church pew might be boring but worshipping God with all your heart in spirit and in truth surely isn't. and if you hate band or you hate football or you hate everything about your life, then quit what you're doing and do something you love because you only get one chance at this thing and you might as well give it the best shot you've got

hruoferngheruhoiuerhgoreughnoera i'm done.

mr. perfect

so once upon a time, there was a guy who hates scary movies and mayonnaise and calls me beautiful... and lame on other occasions... but he looks real cute in green and always says yes ma'am and holds my hand when we pray and makes me believe that yeah, there might actually be somebody out there MADE for me.

and as for "the end"... well, i'm hoping that isn't anytime soon

job

"I think one day, you and Job will probably be best friends"
- Haley

I love her.

getting it together

sometimes i wish i had it all together. the strong warrior, the one who is down but knows how to get back up, the one who laughs at all the right times and prays at all the right times. the one who doesn't doubt or judge and knows how to turn a frown upside down. the one that stops people mid-sentence when they realize that they can't talk like that around her.

i'm still finding me, and maybe little by little i'm finding out how to become the person that God already sees.

filtering

if i were a song writer i'd get tired of writing song after song about love and breaking up and partying all night long, plus i know that's not the only things that ever cross people's minds like what about chocolate and the way little babies laugh and shapes in the clouds. i'd write it about abraham lincoln or good books or the sky or the way that driving through falling leaves kind of feels like i'm in a spaceship zooming through outerspace

i think i make less and less sense as i grow older, or maybe that's growing up, realizing that your thoughts don't always fit into cute quotes you can find on google or song lyrics, not always trying to filter your thoughts and saying what you think even if you've never heard anyone else think that before. maybe you become more and more you as you become less and less like everyone else

hello

I am plan b.

who i am

i am a seventeen year old mistake maker and debtor. i am of the all who have "sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" and of those who should receive "the wages of sin, which is death".

but i am set free. because "there is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

i am a Christian. i am a follower of Christ and a student of God's word. i am in Christ Jesus because I am in the church of which He is head, "which is His body"

i have no qualification; i am neither a "baptist" or "methodist" or even a "church-of-christer" Christian, because i find no such qualifications in His Word. however unpopular this idea might be, i find that Christ promised to build His church and that there is "one body", which is His church. my Lord prayed that believers may "all be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in you; that they may also be one in Us" and Paul pleaded to "all who in every place call on the name of Jesus Christ our Lord" that we all "speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment" and what could be classified as division but denominations, which in its very definition mean division?

if this unity were not possible my Savior would not have prayed for it and Paul would not have commanded it through Holy inspiration

and so i belong to Christ Jesus. i do not belong to John Smyth or the pope or John Wesley, for Paul said that he heard of those saying "I am of Paul" or "I am of Apollos" or "I am of Cephas" and Paul asked "Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?"

these men did not die for my sins and I belong to no one's "church" but Christ's. for i know that "not everyone who says to Me 'Lord, Lord' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven." i am not a member of a denomination, i am a member of Christ's church because "for by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body", Christ's body, the church, in which "there is no condemnation"

i am "a living sacrifice". i am "transformed". i am "a peculiar people".

i am a sinner and saved, an imperfect girl with a Perfect Savior who says "In My Father's house are many mansions... I go to prepare a place for you"

the difference between everything and nothing at all

this summer I've read a whole lot and I realize only two books are represented here but that's because they're both genius. this is my periodical nerd blog so just go with it

"And now the old story has begun to write itself over there," said Carl softly. "Isn't it queer: there are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before; like the larks in this country, that have been singing the same five notes over for thousands of years."
- O Pioneers!


"She often repeated her prayers; not at particular times, but, like the unaffectedly devout, when she desired to pray. Her prayer was always spontaneous, and often ran thus, "O deliver my heart from this fearful gloom and loneliness; send me great love from somewhere, else I shall die."
- The Return of the Native


"The age of modern man is to be measured by the intensity of his history."
- The Return of the Native


"Well, whatever I may have thought, one thing is certain- I do love you- past all compass and description. I love you to oppressiveness- I, who have never before felt more than a pleasant passing fancy for any woman I have ever seen. Let me look right into your moonlit face and dwell on every line and curve in it! Only a few hairbreadths make the difference between this face and faces I have seen many times before I knew you; yet what a difference- the difference between everything and nothing at all."
- The Return of the Native

yale

I got a letter from yale a few months ago and they just sent me a book telling me all about their college and how it's the best of the best of the best and I should go there, and even though it wasn't like "hello, you're amazing and we want to pay you to come here!" it was more like "hello Shauna, we've been notified of your academic achievements blah blah blah it still costs $50,000 per year to come here", still I felt so important because I got a letter with MY name on it from a college, and not just any college but it's stinkin YALE and I could've done a cartwheel, not to brag because they send out stuff like that all the time to all sorts of kids but still, I don't think excitement on receiving it is too cocky of me and if it is well then I apologize and I'll continue talking like it's just me here because basically it is

Has anyone else noticed that was one sentence? I just did, literally, like right now

So obviously my chances at getting into an ivy league school are looking pretty slim but maybe they look for abnormal, creative, insightful people so my paragraph sentence with a good enough argument to explain my reasoning might actually work in my favor. William Faulkner pulled it off so I don't see why periods should be such a big deal when there's such an awesome thought going on, why stop it? I believe insightful thoughts such as that are precisely what would distinguish me at an establishment such as that

But really people, I'm just ready to do something. Like I know I'm supposed to be satisfied with sitting within cement walls learning about things that a) I already know b) the teacher is reading out of a book and I will forget 5 minutes after the test or c) I'm not learning at all, I'm being suffocated by my idleness and feeling completely and utterly useless and can feel my mind actually deteriorating inside of me

Okay maybe that was a bit dramatic but really, that's just not it for me. I'm totally not afraid to go and live in a foreign country when I don't even know the language, or apply to an Ivy League school where I know I'll never be accepted but I just want to try anyway. I want to GO, I don't even care where but just don't try to put any boundaries because I want to go past those

Right now, Freed-Hardeman University is where my heart lies. It's like I have some kind of homing device inside of me screaming "go go go that's where you belong and you can become yourself, you need to be there" and of course it's because it's a Christian university and countless opportunities are there but that isn't even the only reason, I don't even know all the reasons and couldn't name them if I tried, it just feels like home already, like that's exactly where my puzzle piece fits

This life isn't home and I know I'll never be satisfied until I make it to heaven, but I've been given a life on Earth and my sole occupation will NOT be to sit within concrete walls and have my sense of adventure suffocated by the low standards that our society has set for teenagers. Our society pretty much says "yeah, you're a teenager so you're supposed to cheat on tests and get wasted on weekends and LIVE IT UP (i love that expression, that oxymoron just slaps you in the face doesn't it)" but last time I checked the Bible never said "and whilst you are a teenager you shall forsake everything I've commanded Christians to do because you just aren't ready yet, you're a BABY Christian, you don't have responsibilities" nope I'm pretty sure my Lord never said that, in fact He said "GO INTO ALL THE WORLD" and I'm not saying that staying in your hometown for your entire life is a sin, but sitting around being idle and not taking opportunities to glorify God is. and I don't feel bad about saying that

I don't know how in the world I got on the soap box but now I'm back and I took the detoured trip around my point to say this:

Life is more than this. I know it is. God has more for me and I'm ready to go find it.

drifting

people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.

my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before

but maybe i'm drifting, too

tired

Sometimes I wish I could quit life except for things like singings and gospel meetings and youth functions and pretty much devote every moment of my time to being with other christians and that's all

Or in other words, stop being the drum major and high school student and average teenager and member of society and just be a Christian and that's all

But that isn't God's plan and I can't technically be a Christian in this world without living around those who aren't, because one of my commandments is to "go into all the world and teach" and I can't do that from the outside

I'm just ready for heaven

I want to have a walk and talk with Job for a few thousand years and listen to Peter preach a sermon and sing praise to God all day, every day, forever and be in the presence of GOD, the God I love and the God I serve and the God who's going to save me from being just an average high school student

Sometimes I'm just so tired but I'm on the right team and I've already won, and that gives me peace

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.

mediocre

i'm a really poopy best friend. i don't know why matt and hannah and lindy picked me because i'm horrible at it. and you'd think that after so many years of having best friends that i'd quit doing silly things like making promises i won't be able to keep because i promise one i'll hang out this day and another i'll go to such and such... on the same day... and then another asked me to skip both and hang out and i say "what time?"
seriously? what kind of twisted friend schedules something for all three best friends on the SAME NIGHT?
a very bad one.

i'm sorry, all of you. i completely understand if one day you got completely fed up with my mediocrity of friendliness and decided to search other venues for someone more equipped for the job. obviously i just don't cut it. ever.

i judge others too harshly. i make so many mistakes but sometimes i think i like to exaggerate others' mistakes and minimize mine.

i need to pack for camp but i think i'm too disgusted with myself and i'll probably pack everything that looks the ugliest

i love you.

worry

sometimes i worry. actually this is a massive understatement because i always worry. i worry about being late and being early and having smelly feet or bad breath and being too forward to the point of annoyance or too shy to the point of making others uncomfortable, too cocky or uncomfortable in my own skin. i worry about being a disappointment or not realizing my mistakes and whether i look unique or just plain silly. i worry about eating too much or being too lazy or not lazy enough, working myself to death or not being productive.

okay so i'm basically a worry-a-holic, i could probably write a book entitled How to Worry Yourself to Death and make all kinds of money, that is if anyone really desired to learn the art of worrying that i have accomplished and i really do not recommend it

i have a habit of talking all the way around a subject before getting around to it but this is my blog so i think i'm allowed to do that. here is the thought that began this whole deal: i think i worry most about missing chances. like that moment when you're at a crossroads and you can't decide which side belongs to your heart and which side belongs to your logic and if they could possibly be on the same side, and you want to see the end of the road to see where you're going to end up but the thing is you can't do that, you have to choose a path and follow it all the way to the end. i worry about missing an opportunity for beauty. like when you don't want to go somewhere but you do, and then you realize that you would have missed the chance to witness something truly magical? i don't want to miss those moments. but i also worry of being too impulsive (i have a constant inward battle, check out the blogs from april and you will see my impulsiveness which i believe is now overcome with my logic). i don't want to restrain myself so much that i cease to live but i also need stability. who am i? does anyone else constantly wish they could have a list of their own characteristics listed for them so that they could decide how to react in every situation? because i feel like i make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with the person i actually am and more to do with who i want to be at that particular moment, but that changes and suddenly i'm in a circular cycle of not knowing how to react in any situation and not knowing which path to choose because one is labeled excitement and one is labeled security and my brain is so tired that sometimes i think i just close my eyes and walk without deliberation

i couldn't sleep last night because suddenly a road sign was in my head that said this could be awesome and the subscript said "you are happy but you could be happier if you go this way" and it's almost like de ja vu because i feel like i've been down this road before and told myself i wouldn't go again but now it's different scenery and they planted some new daisies and the road i'm on looks like a dead end

so who wins, security or excitement?

i'll let you know when i decide who i am

beautiful bride

new things are happening and old things have ceased happening and things that i don't completely understand are happening

life is moving forward and it excites me

when i was a little girl, kristin and i walked the circle of our grandparents' yard for hours one night. she had her very first boyfriend and was venting about how silly he was. she was in seventh grade i think so i was only in third. i thought i knew everything. i thought there was no one better on earth for kristin to go to for dating advice than myself. i wanted to feel important. i wanted her to need me.

kristin's getting married and that boy has such a treasure

i've started having a simple bible study every night with my friend dustin, we pick a chapter (we're in hebrews now) and we simply discuss the major points and what spoke the most to us, and it's not hard at all to do but it puts me in such a wonderful mood and i like having that connection with someone. he inspires me so much because he's off working very hard leveling a school and he's exhausted every night but he never forgets to remind me about our bible study. i just love him. he's awesome.

there are so many truly inspirational people in my life that i cannot begin to tell you about them all. lindy abercrombie is one. one day i'm going to write an entire blog about her and you just wouldn't believe how amazing that girl is. everytime i see her she's talking to someone about their life and it's almost never about hers, which makes me kind of sad, but she's just the kind of person who will always ask about you and never bring herself or her issues into conversation because she puts others above herself. she has such a good heart. that kind of heart which is naturally good. it seems so natural and becoming to her.

i wanna be just like her. in every way.

you know how "famous people" make all kinds of money and have glamorous lives and all? i feel so sorry for them. because lives like lindy's are the kind that are famous in the way that is most important. when she gets a boyfriend or loses/gains weight it isn't written across some magazine because those are silly reasons to be recognized. but she's famous to me. and in 40 years she's a name i will remember.

i think i'm overloaded from lack of blogging. i like this quote:

‎"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

home

i'm in love. i'm so in love and i'm ashamed that it took reading a book to re-convince me of just how deeply and irrevocably and undeniably i am in love.
i am in love with God. my God is the God who created everything. did you catch that? my God created everything. the breath you and i just took simultaneously, he gave us that. your brain cells and the billions of universes that exist and every cell contained in one square inch of your skin. thousands of species of trees and birds and bananas and everything you've ever seen, thought, or felt. my God was the mastermind behind it all. and i love Him.
why do i sometimes forget how privileged i am to serve Him? why does it become "i have to study, i have to pray, i have to worship" like i'm checking off my to-do list for the things-i-have-to-do-to-go-to-heaven. when did being a christian become more about making it to heaven and less about being completely and utterly in love with the One who created it all? being unable to imagine an eternity that was not filled with Him?

"The critical question for our generation- and for every generation- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

that paragraph scared me when i read it. how could i forget that? how could i go on dreaming about heaven and being frightened by hell and doing all these necessary things in my life to reach for one and avoid the other, but completely forget the love that God deserves and demands from His followers? God DESIRES that i love Him. me, little old shauna blake baker with the laugh that explodes at inappropriate times and the unhealthy stress level... God wants me to love Him. and He loves me. and oh, I cannot understand it but He loves me so much. and I'm in love with Him.

i hope i never forget this. i'm putting it in writing so that i will have somewhere to go, something to read my thoughts while i was so on fire for God that it hurts. because i'm not like this all the time. but oh, i want to be. i want want want to love more and more and more until i have nothing left to give and then, i want to give it all. i want to be vulnerably and defenselessly in love with God, so that the only thing i have to protect me from life is Him.

i want to be ready to die all the time. i want to look at my things and laugh at myself for collecting such an array of stuff that profits me nothing. i want to live like i'm ready to die so that i can finally live. what about heaven. i want to know what my mind will think the very second i enter the gates. what is the first thought that will enter my mind when i am finally in heaven? when i'm finally home? in times like this i want to be there so much and at other times my fleshly mind forgets that my laptop and estelle my cute little car and all the books on my shelf and the purses i buy even when i know i already own thirty, all those things are here like a vapor and then they will vanish. and what will be left? my love for God. that will be with me. that's the only possession that I can hold onto forever. my soul inside that aches to find it's Maker. the calling inside me that's always longing for home.

gullible

i'm really gullible. i wish i wasn't like that. it hurts sometimes.

today i went shopping with the beautiful melissa clevenger and it's the most fun i've had in a very long time.

i would expand on both these topics if i had more time

my summer projects:

1. paint

2. read books

3. make friends

4. don't be gullible

5. become more philosophical

6. understand poetry better than i do right now

7. fall deeper in love with my family

8. fall deeper in love with God

9. collect my grandfather's stories

10. learn to do something i don't know how to do right now

oh yeah, and blog less.

mb

"and maybe as we go through life we are becoming more and more complete, more and more who we are, because as we go along we find pieces of ourselves, and sometimes we lose pieces of ourselves too, and maybe if by the grace of God i live until i'm 80 i'll have found all of my pieces and i'll know who i am. or maybe by the grace of God i'll live until i'm 80 and i'll still be missing a few pieces because the moments where you find a piece are the best moments in this life and without them maybe i'd be better off dead. and maybe the last pieces are in heaven and after i've been there a little while Jesus will say "here you go, you might have been lookin for these, they've been with me the whole time." and then i'll smile because i'll know i get to spend eternity worshiping the One who scattered my pieces for me to find like plastic eggs full of candy on easter sunday, because he knew that to remind me of heaven he needed to give me little tastes of it on earth. because he knew that giving me this longing would serve as a reminder of what i am longing for, if i took the time to realize it.

that there are beautiful moments in life. dancing in the street and holding children and laying in the driveway watching stars and chasing sunsets. there are soft t shirts and blankets fresh from the dryer and some days the breeze is so perfect that you marvel you are alive to experience it. and someday someone will give you a gift because they know that you are the only person they know who will truly appreciate it, especially since it might be something like the law code of alabama from 1823. and someone will hold your hand and you will feel it in your chest where they tell you your heart is, even though you know in your brain that your heart just pumps blood. and someone will smile at you from a stage and everyone will know the smile was yours alone. and there are songs and poems and pieces of artwork that you could swear were created just for you, like someone else took your soul and gave it back to you after rearranging it a bit to make more sense. and every day something else about the world will amaze you, and you will be reminded of just how incredibly small you really are, and that's the way it is supposed to be. because each of these moments pales in comparison to how beautiful and perfect heaven will be, but they are here to show us what that perfect feeling is like"

you need to meet this girl. or at least read her blog (http://maryelizabeths.blogspot.com/)


i'm really blessed to know her.

mystery

"looks like friday we're going bowling then eating steak and shake :)"
"i still don't know what that is! and what if i have something going on friday?"
"cancel them haha"
"lol i don't have plans. i would sound a lot cooler if i did though"
"well see now you can tell people you do so you already sound a lot cooler"
"touche... and i think it would probably add to my level of mystery, having plans a week in advance"
"yeah to make it better if someone asks who just be like oh it's just a friend haha"
"lol but you see, i'm in quite a dilemma, because it's not mysterious at all if I say yes immediately."
"true you have to play it off, but i don't understand why you didn't play the mystery card on me =P"
"but you see, i never said yes. you ASSUMED i said yes. so really and truly you don't even know if i want to go yet :)"
"you're a horrible person."

operation "become mysterious" is definitely a success

a fixed idea

What torture lurks within a single thought   

When grown too constant; and however kind,   

However welcome still, the weary mind

Aches with its presence. Dull remembrance taught   

Remembers on unceasingly; unsought   

The old delight is with us but to find   

That all recurring joy is pain refined,   

Become a habit, and we struggle, caught.   

You lie upon my heart as on a nest,   

Folded in peace, for you can never know   

How crushed I am with having you at rest   

Heavy upon my life. I love you so

You bind my freedom from its rightful quest.   

In mercy lift your drooping wings and go

-amy lowell

beautiful words of the english language:

Effervescent

Evanescent

Quintessential

Wherewithal

"Happiness manifests itself through one act- smiling."

- kyle abernathy

things i can't stand

lots of people don't like me. sadly, i realize that i've been extremely naive and didn't actually realize this until... well, this year. more so the past few months. and now it's like i can spot it everywhere, people that really don't like me. i can't say i don't mind, because i've always really enjoyed feeling liked, or at least passively acknowledged, but to be disliked is an entire new concept and i don't think i like it. i guess i always knew that i would be closer to some people than others, and would relate more to a certain crowd than to others. but disliked means that some people aren't happy around me. some people would rather me be silent than speak. some people wish i would just go away. honestly, i'm really not bothered when there is no reason at all for them not to like me. when they just pull harsh feelings out of thin air. but it hurts deeper when they have a basis. perhaps they stretch it a bit, and dramatize my faults and my transgressions... they take a mistake i've made and hold it over my head forever and ever.

worse than being disliked is to be invisible. to be forgotten by someone who used to treasure your friendship like a special gift. to feel like your body is made of glass and all they ever do now is look straight through to the other side of you, without a second thought to who they've overlooked. no matter how loved i feel by people in my life, i still find myself missing that feeling of love that has been replaced with apathy.

i don't like to be forgotten. that's probably my least favorite feeling. and the one that is the most difficult to reverse.

because of all things that you might be able to make people do, you can't make them care.

maybe summer will be a relief from those things i cannot escape. high school exhausts me.

not a fan.

"Jesus was never interested in having fans. When he defines what kind of relationship he wants, “Enthusiastic Admirer” isn’t an option. My concern is that many of our churches in America have gone from being sanctuaries to becoming stadiums. And every week all the fans come to the stadium where they cheer for Jesus but have no interest in truly following him. The biggest threat to the church today is fans who call themselves Christians but aren’t actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them."

http://www.notafan.com/

sometimes

sometimes people change, and sometimes they will never change. sometimes the person you know may be an illusion, a pretense. sometimes we fail to see past imperfections and appreciate the beauty in everyone's character. isn't there beauty in everyone? maybe that's an idea rejected by most. sometimes first impressions are correct, but what if they are? is a rude person any less of a person? should we intentionally avoid anyone because of a first impression... what if they need that love? what if it's the only love they'll ever receive? but, of course, there's a time to believe and a time to be realistic, and sometimes people won't care and you can't make them. at that point your heart is the one that suffers the most ache, when you want so much to save someone from himself, but they refuse to see any problem arising until they are drowning and you cannot reach. but sometimes you have to hurt before you can learn, and how can we shun everyone who has ever disappointed us? who would we have left? we're all so very human, and without imperfect friends we would have no friends at all.

and sometimes, i'm the one that's changing. laughing a little louder and letting go a little easier. and maybe that's made all the difference.
maybe i'm growing up and i don't even realize it.
i wonder if anyone else's stream of consciousness is as confused as mine is.

twisted minds of love-struck teenage girls

i'm trying to use this word less frequently but i believe it is appropriate in this instance:
i hate the societal view of dating.

i don't like when girls feel like they have to mold themselves into what they believe the guy wants to see and hear. they'll do anything in their power to be his girl, and they will change everything about themselves to please him. girls are beautiful and unique and so wonderful when they are completely themselves, and no one else. being true to their own hearts should be what attracts a guy, and not their malleability. their mystery and the challenge of winning their heart should cause the guy to fight to be respectable, chivalrous, and kind.

being attracted to a guy is not enough to base a relationship upon.


if he is rude to you before you ever go on a date with him, don't lie to yourself and say he'll change.


i hate how the guys who are after every girl on the planet, completely rude and untrustworthy... their egos are constantly boosted by girls who allow themselves to be sucked into their trap. because she wants to change him. she thinks when he's with her, things will be different.

he will seem different when he's around you, because HE'S AROUND YOU.


that doesn't mean he's a different or better person. it means he's putting up a front. watch what happens when you two don't work out... see if he really changed. he'll go right back to mister jerk pants.

and contrary to what you believe right now, i'm not even singling out one particular instance here. there are tons i know of. including myself.

i'm sick to my stomach when i think of heartache that can be caused by girls that want to reach out to a guy who needs some guidance. he just needs someone to point him in the right direction, once he gives up drugs and alcohol and partying and lying and cursing you're thinking he'll be a wonderful boyfriend.

don't date someone because you feel like you need to take care of them.


girls should feel taken care of in a relationship. not like a mother figure who needs to help this guy let go of all the horrible things that are polluting his life.

i think trying to help people is awesome. but you don't have to be his girlfriend to do that. you're setting yourself up for disappointment.


my stomach aches and aches and aches.

maybe i can just skip the whole dating thing. one day a man will walk up to me, sing me a song with his pretty guitar and quote scripture and i'll just say yes and we'll get married. happily ever after.


girls, please help me. make the guy fight for you. don't give yourself over so easily until you know he knows your value. you're worth more than you believe.

mysterious

i want to play electric guitar

lately, i've realized that it's very relaxing to not match. putting on random jewelry that doesn't really go together and is in a totally different color scheme than your outfit. it's a warm fuzzy feeling that says "i did that, and no one else, and it was all my idea."

i never think i'm humble enough. i feel like i try to change and i never do. it frustrates me to no end. how do i know if i'm being humble? if it's easier to spot faults in others rather than in yourself, shouldn't we all tell each other our faults? shouldn't somebody tell me if i'm being snobby? i want to know. i would be thoroughly impressed if someone had the guts to tell me that. but i don't want to tell other people their faults because that seems not nice or forgiving or positive. it's such a paradox. i don't make sense.

i want to become good at really weird things simply for the sake of conversation. like knitting and ukulele and karate

i read a book on dating and i've decided that i'm going to become more mysterious

i'm a very strange girl

souls and politics

i wish i knew the whole story. i wish i felt like my opinion was valid and be confident that i have an intelligent side to share.

truly, i don't know everything i need to know to make valid arguments about the subject. and i don't want to know everything. i'm blessed to have soldiers that risk their lives to keep me safe. i'm not a politician. i'm not informed enough to discuss every detail of the past 10 years.

but i can tell you the thoughts that are flying through my head right now.

i love souls.
i hate when christians argue with each other.
facebook debates are so pointless.
everyone doesn't go to heaven. people go to hell. and i can't stop that from happening.
the world is really messed up.
"not everyone that saith unto me 'lord, lord' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."
good people can be wrong.
passionate people can be passionate about something that is wrong.
feeling good doesn't guarantee righteousness.
some people can hear the gospel preached to them in the most eloquent or straight-forward ways, it doesn't matter, they're too proud to really soak it in.
sometimes, i'm afraid that i don't convey my love for god in a humble way. i want to be humble more than anything. i don't want to be misunderstood.

sometimes, it's easier and less stressful to not state your opinion. because opinions require taking sides, and what if your heart isn't just one-sided?

still really like that book

"I believe there is a great deal too much mutual confession going on today, as if sharing one’s problems somehow makes them go away. All it really does, of course, is increase the number of people who have to worry about a particular issue." 


"I tell myself it does not matter what one reads-favorite authors, particular themes-as long as we read something. It is not even important to own the books."


"I don't believe the greatest views in the world are great because they are vast or exotic... I think the power comes from the knowledge that they do not change. You look at them and you know they have been the same for a thousand years." 


"He opened his mouth to say that she looked extremely beautiful and deserved armfuls of roses, but the words were lost in committee somewhere, shuffled aside by the parts of his head that worked full-time at avoiding ridicule." 


"Ah well, there you go. Young people are always demanding respect instead of trying to earn it. In my day, respect was something to strive for. Something to be given, not taken."


"Oh, it's simple pragmatism, Dad. It's called the real world. If we refused to do business with the morally questionable, the deal volume would drop in half and the good guys like us would end up poor. Then where would we all be?" said Roger. "On a nice dry spit of land know as the moral high ground?" suggested the Major."
(i never really liked roger very much)


"Passion is all very well, but it wouldn't do to spill the tea." 


"You are not the first man to miss a woman's more subtle communication . . . They think they are waving when we see only the calm sea, and pretty soon everybody drowns." 


"I know something of shame...How can we not all feel it? We are all small-minded people, creeping about the earth grubbing for our own adventure and making the very mistakes for which we want to humiliate our neighbors......I think we wake up every day with high intentions and by dusk we have routinely fallen short. Sometimes I think God created the darkness just so he didn't have to look at us all the time."




i've gained a lot of wisdom from that man


pride and prejudice quotes will be next

to breathe

i need fresh air and long expanses of nothingness. to think about nothing and feel obligated to be nothing and do nothing. i need to feel unrestrained and not judged. i need freedom. i need less drama. i need more dreaming and bliss and less worrying. i need to feel comfortable. i need to not feel tied down. i need to not feel completely responsible for another person's happiness. i need to not feel dependent on one single person for happiness unless that person is God. i need more space. i need to not feel vulnerable. i need to remember how to be happy and optimistic and smiley

i want to be best friends with my nannie

i want to go all the way around the world because i can

i want to see Jesus

i want to be a good Samaritan

i want to laugh embarrassingly loud

i want to tell a complete stranger that Jesus loves them

i want to be the girl that people are proud of

i want to exercise the right to smile


... this is right. i'm already breathing easier

mobile, myrtle beach, parrot mountain, gatlinburg... i want to run away to you. i breathe better with you.

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

space

sometimes, i need space.

i'm not good at telling people when that happens.

because me being a good person means listening when i just want to go lock myself in a room and read a book. i like books more than people sometimes. most of the time i'm very sociable but sometimes it's just too much. especially when it feels like people choose topics that are the ultimate level of awkward for me. and it's like they know it makes me feel awkward and that makes them push the envelope even farther to see how much i'll take. it's some sick game they play.

i don't like to be followed around. to feel like i'm being studied and called out upon every mistake. or embarrassed for no other reason than to watch me blush. it's ridiculous and immature.

i have a problem with maturity. i don't enjoy being around people that aren't mature. i really don't have much tolerance for that. i'm sorry, i can't lie. it's a huge annoyance. because i just want to scream at them to grow up but that would be quite rude and maybe they can't help it, but i can't help thinking that maybe they can help it but they choose to act the way they do simply to be annoying and make me mad and uncomfortable. i like conversation about ideas and heaven and books and i find it hard to converse with someone who is a) obsessed with perversity b) likes to gossip about people c) wants to attack my relationship and point out any minute detail of how it might go wrong or who they "thought" i was dating, pretending like tyler's not even there sitting right beside me d) only talks about themselves. maybe they don't realize it. but i think most people do. and they enjoy it.

but i'm gonna be nice anyway, cause that's the right thing to do. but i'm also taking advantage of "me" time much more frequently when i'm annoyed so don't take offense if i get up from our conversation and lock myself in a room so i can read.

i live my life in a constant state of trying to stay in good graces with as many people as possible. which i guess is good, because Jesus said to try to live peaceably with all men, and I do. but i really don't think that letting people run all over me is what he had in mind. i'm so tired of making decisions on what i say and how i act simply based upon not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. it's exhausting.

i just don't like to be pestered by people that can clearly see they are pestering me, and look as if they quite enjoy it

bible class a few weeks ago:

jackson: do you have a boyfriend?

me: no, jackson, not at the moment.

jackson: are you sure? what about tyler? *smiles*

me: *laugh* no, tyler and i are just friends.

jackson: but why?

me: well... it's just that we're best friends, that's all. it's hard to explain.

jackson: oh...

me: you like tyler a lot, don't you?

jackson: yeah... *smiles* are you suuuure he's not your boyfriend?

me: positive.

jackson: well, you need to get a boyfriend.

i know where i'm going for advice from here on out

:)

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

i learned

if anyone ever tells you to stop trying
if anyone ever says that you should put your feelings on hold to keep things simple and safe
if anyone ever tries to convince you that you should try to make everyone else happy but yourself
if anyone says you're crazy
if anyone says it'll never work
if anyone tries to tell you how you should feel
if anyone tries to make a decision for you

say thank you
and then, let it go out the other ear

we cannot live in fear of future while neglecting to live our present


beautiful things are waiting to be seen if we'll only trust ourselves enough to let them happen

one day

i'll be brave enough to feel the way my heart is screaming

even when i'm scared

because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved

mayday

i am terrified of

1. divorce
2. inadequacy
3. mistakes that can't be fixed
4. intruders
5. disappointing the people i love
6. being deceived
7. being fallen-out-of-love with
8. marrying the wrong person
9. losing faith
10. missing my chance

i'm very sad today. i haven't seen tyler all day long and now i don't think i will get to and i didn't realize how very pathetically and completely i rely on him to cheer me up during the day. it's really sad. when i haven't seen him in a long time it feels like loneliness is eating up my insides.

i almost went crazy today. nobody was at school and everyone wanted to know why in the world i was there and why i wasn't out decorating for prom.

who in the world ever said it was a crime to not go to prom? honestly, it's outright ridiculous everything i've been through today. I had a teacher call me to the side and tell me that I showed poor leadership skills by not going to prom, and that as a prominent leader of my class it is my obligation to attend prom and all such functions.
apparently, "being a leader" now entails following what's popular and what everyone else is doing instead of listening to your heart, and not being afraid to step out in your own direction.
that's just a tad bit ironic to me.

i'm frustrated and i need a hug and i miss everyone so much.
i'm sorry for being a downer.

the heart

is a fighter. it doesn't give up when the flow of love becomes painful. it can endure countless punches and still remain strong.

but even the strongest of hearts breaks. and those once broken are fragile as glass.

sometimes a broken heart isn't shattered all at once. it starts with a tiny irritancy, a slight discomfort which is put off as a hard day or a bad mood. then the ache spreads. but the process is slow, so the heart doesn't recognize what the end result will be... he is only accustomed to this slight discomfort which gradually grows stronger. he only learns to fight harder. he never gives up.

this cannot continue forever. the heart is tired and weary of fighting while the one for which it fights only resists.

the heart still has all the love it once had for this cause for which it has been fighting. and so it is not the love which is lacking, but the motivation and endurance to make that love active.

one cannot continually give every bit of his energy to moving a brick wall that will never budge.

my heart is so tired.

everything is music is everything

today me and tyler sat in my driveway and i laid back on the concrete while he played guitar and watched clouds float by. at one point i asked him what the world would be like without music... and he said what i was thinking, "depressing". i wondered what people who didn't care for music did to relax and express their frustration and emotion. he said that anyone who said they didn't like music, were liars.

and then i thought, maybe for some people, watching clouds go by is music. their ebb and flow carelessly and so perfectly and majestically like a line of melody, and it caresses and soothes the soul.

maybe watching the sun rise and set is music. watching the colors paint the canvas sky with the notes and rhythms of nature.

or perhaps, for some, driving with the windows down. the melodic smell of the grass after it rains. long hugs that secure our hearts. the wind in our faces as we run. holding the hand of a friend while they hold your heart. beautiful lines of literature. eyes that smile. dancing across the hardwood on our daddy's shoes. the laugh of an innocent child.

maybe everything is music.

perhaps, music so far transcends anything created by man, transcends language and words and emotion... that, logically, we must conclude that music came from something, someone, much greater than us.

maybe the very word "music" cannot adequately describe the feeling that it defines. we are too mortal, too human.

and so perhaps, music itself is proof that we were made for an entirely different world.

fellowship of the unashamed

I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die is cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane thinking, "chincy" giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or

popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised,

regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, walk by patience, lift by prayer and labor by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.

I won't give up, shut up, let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me - my colors will be clear.

Bob Moorehead

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith.'" Romans 1:16-17