tired

Sometimes I wish I could quit life except for things like singings and gospel meetings and youth functions and pretty much devote every moment of my time to being with other christians and that's all

Or in other words, stop being the drum major and high school student and average teenager and member of society and just be a Christian and that's all

But that isn't God's plan and I can't technically be a Christian in this world without living around those who aren't, because one of my commandments is to "go into all the world and teach" and I can't do that from the outside

I'm just ready for heaven

I want to have a walk and talk with Job for a few thousand years and listen to Peter preach a sermon and sing praise to God all day, every day, forever and be in the presence of GOD, the God I love and the God I serve and the God who's going to save me from being just an average high school student

Sometimes I'm just so tired but I'm on the right team and I've already won, and that gives me peace

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.

mediocre

i'm a really poopy best friend. i don't know why matt and hannah and lindy picked me because i'm horrible at it. and you'd think that after so many years of having best friends that i'd quit doing silly things like making promises i won't be able to keep because i promise one i'll hang out this day and another i'll go to such and such... on the same day... and then another asked me to skip both and hang out and i say "what time?"
seriously? what kind of twisted friend schedules something for all three best friends on the SAME NIGHT?
a very bad one.

i'm sorry, all of you. i completely understand if one day you got completely fed up with my mediocrity of friendliness and decided to search other venues for someone more equipped for the job. obviously i just don't cut it. ever.

i judge others too harshly. i make so many mistakes but sometimes i think i like to exaggerate others' mistakes and minimize mine.

i need to pack for camp but i think i'm too disgusted with myself and i'll probably pack everything that looks the ugliest

i love you.

things i can't stand

lots of people don't like me. sadly, i realize that i've been extremely naive and didn't actually realize this until... well, this year. more so the past few months. and now it's like i can spot it everywhere, people that really don't like me. i can't say i don't mind, because i've always really enjoyed feeling liked, or at least passively acknowledged, but to be disliked is an entire new concept and i don't think i like it. i guess i always knew that i would be closer to some people than others, and would relate more to a certain crowd than to others. but disliked means that some people aren't happy around me. some people would rather me be silent than speak. some people wish i would just go away. honestly, i'm really not bothered when there is no reason at all for them not to like me. when they just pull harsh feelings out of thin air. but it hurts deeper when they have a basis. perhaps they stretch it a bit, and dramatize my faults and my transgressions... they take a mistake i've made and hold it over my head forever and ever.

worse than being disliked is to be invisible. to be forgotten by someone who used to treasure your friendship like a special gift. to feel like your body is made of glass and all they ever do now is look straight through to the other side of you, without a second thought to who they've overlooked. no matter how loved i feel by people in my life, i still find myself missing that feeling of love that has been replaced with apathy.

i don't like to be forgotten. that's probably my least favorite feeling. and the one that is the most difficult to reverse.

because of all things that you might be able to make people do, you can't make them care.

maybe summer will be a relief from those things i cannot escape. high school exhausts me.

sometimes

sometimes people change, and sometimes they will never change. sometimes the person you know may be an illusion, a pretense. sometimes we fail to see past imperfections and appreciate the beauty in everyone's character. isn't there beauty in everyone? maybe that's an idea rejected by most. sometimes first impressions are correct, but what if they are? is a rude person any less of a person? should we intentionally avoid anyone because of a first impression... what if they need that love? what if it's the only love they'll ever receive? but, of course, there's a time to believe and a time to be realistic, and sometimes people won't care and you can't make them. at that point your heart is the one that suffers the most ache, when you want so much to save someone from himself, but they refuse to see any problem arising until they are drowning and you cannot reach. but sometimes you have to hurt before you can learn, and how can we shun everyone who has ever disappointed us? who would we have left? we're all so very human, and without imperfect friends we would have no friends at all.

and sometimes, i'm the one that's changing. laughing a little louder and letting go a little easier. and maybe that's made all the difference.
maybe i'm growing up and i don't even realize it.
i wonder if anyone else's stream of consciousness is as confused as mine is.

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

pda

is so disgusting.

a) it makes other people uncomfortable. honestly. no one wants to be "that guy" whose friend is all over some girl and he just has to stand there awkwardly and pretend to be comfortable in that situation. but he's not, he just doesn't wanna be rude. i've been that guy.
b) i can't carry on a conversation with you if you are obviously not interested in anything i have to say
c) there's a line. it's called the line between cute and inappropriate. the line between "aww" and *gag*, etc.
d) who in the world will respect you if you can't respect yourself? if you can't respect the people around you by acting discreetly?
e) could you carry on a conversation with jesus? would you be embarrassed? would you straighten up immediately if he entered the room? he's already there.
f) sometimes it's good to talk. that's usually how it goes, you meet someone and you get to know them, and you know them for a very long time and then you quite possibly fall in love with them. you don't find a boyfriend and immediately love him and THEN find out things about him.
g) if you haven't found out her favorite color and her middle name, you're still in the "get to know you stage." so put about 2 feet of space between you and ask some questions.
h) there's such a thing as public and private settings... both should be handled discreetly and with propriety, but you don't have to show the whole world how you feel. if that's how you two act in public, we don't even wanna know what you do in private.
i) when you're fourteen you can't tell a girl "baby i love you i wanna spend the rest of my life with you i'll never ever leave you you're the only one forever and ever and ever and ever and ever"... uh, as sweetly as i know to say this, you can't promise that. your mommy still has to drop you off at the movie theatre, for pete's sake.
j) when people get married, they have a right to be cute. when you're in high school and you just started dating a girl, you don't own her. show her some respect.
k) there is such a thing as taking things slow.
l) there is such a thing as being happy having friends and not being in a serious relationship. it isn't a horrible situation to be in, i promise.

i actually wrote all that last night, but i was going to try and go all the way through the alphabet so i didn't post it last night. but now i've just got nothing else to say on the topic. it erks me to even talk about it so i'm gonna move on.

today was wedding planning day with my wonderful family and i had an absolute blast. kristin is going to be the most beautiful bride ever. i always knew she would be.

i've come to the conclusion that i really really miss a lot of people. some people i see every day and i still miss them like crazy. i know now that is possible, and i really kind of hate it. but i don't know how to fix it. i'm a mess. sometimes i just want to give up trying to make other people happy. it's so hard to feel like you're trying the very hardest you can to be the best friend you can be and then to be told it isn't good enough. not exactly my favorite feeling in the world. but maybe it's true. i can't pretend to be a perfect friend all the time. i wish i could. i mess up a lot.

but on the plus side today i bought a cute skirt at the thrift store for $4.50 and ate the most amazing yogurt i've ever tasted

dear anyone i've ever let down, i'm sorry. i can honestly say that i'm trying my hardest. and it's exhausting because i feel like i'm pushing against a brick wall and going nowhere.

knocking down walls

spring break cannot get here any faster.
is that the expression? or spring break cannot get here any slower... because that one makes more sense but i feel like the former is the more conventional phrase. i don't suppose it matters but in my mind things that don't matter sometimes matter more than with the average person. i think it means i'm an analyzer. or just ocd.

i'm kind of an organization junkie. i collect things that are supposed to organize my life and usually they don't. like tupperware boxes in my closets turn into big trash cans that store random stuff i never use but don't want to get rid of. i use my calendar religiously, though. i bought one that has the time tabs on it so i can actually write exactly when something will happen during the day instead of just a big mush of everythingihavetodoontuesday. i like that system a lot better. organized things make me feel good. it's like medicine for my mind.

today i went to a mary kay party and i don't think i've ever had so much fun in all my life. i had my make-up done and bought make-up and hung out with some of the women from church which was just fun in and of itself. i love grown-ups so much. i feel good when i talk to them.

now that my random thoughts have been released i'm ready for something actually kinda deep...

i wish self-esteem weren't such a dependent variable in my life. i wish my confidence were more sturdy. but today it's actually sky high. and i don't think that's cocky at all.

sometimes i try to put conditions on happiness. like i think that if i can make everything around me perfect, then i'll finally be happy. if i can just get this or that. if i'm liked enough. if i'm smart enough. but on days like today, i know everything isn't picture perfect. but it's okay. i'm happier than i have been in a while and it has nothing to do with what i have and everything to do with who i am. happy is waking up in the morning and being alive. happy is being a lover and a giver. happy is seeking to please others before yourself. happy is having Jesus to show you how.

i want to always be happy. and i am. but sometimes the devil builds walls between me and my happiness. he puts up insecurity and jealousy and heartbreak to keep me separated from God and happiness. my life consists of knocking down those walls. and one day, i'll break through the final wall that separates me from eternity. and i'll never ever worry about not being happy again.

"Let not your heart be troubled! You believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."
John 14:1-3

sorry

I guess no more comments. That's probably a good idea.
Sometimes the world makes me really really sad. Like when "hate" is used when love could take it's place so easily and wouldn't that turn the whole world upside down, if we love unconditionally and unbiased? But it's so easy to judge. Not saying we should accept sin and let it go by without a fight but we should love individuals regardless of who they are but because of what they are- a soul. A living, eternal soul who will spend its eternity in one of two places. God is love and love wants all men to be saved. If love wants men to be saved, what does hate do?
Hate is so unprofitable. And my heart aches aches aches.
This is a very sad post. That's why it's very very small because then maybe people will let it go by unnoticed and not dwell, because I'm sad. I don't like it at all but I'm so sad for the world and for everyone who doesn't know about God and for everyone who doesn't want anything to do with God, because I can't imagine what that does to Him. He's given us everything, without Him we're helpless, and yet people still push Him away and curse Him and... I can imagine His heart breaking every time we do that. I just don't understand. Why does it have to be this way?
But the world is not perfect, and I suppose that the allowance of free will guaranteed that man would sin. We mess up because we aren't godly all the time and we're selfish and stuff gets in the way like being popular and being so afraid of truth that we hide behind facades of apathy and detachment and hatred.
I have to believe in God. He is the only thing that keeps me grounded and without faith, I would float into the sky with nothing to keep me tied to reality. I think I would seriously go mad.
I don't want to keep going. I'll wait until I feel better and I'm not such a downer.
Sorry you can't comment on my scattered thoughts anymore. But if you read this, and you appreciate it... thank you.

eleven

days to look forward to/days I hope will occur in 2011

1. the day I'm legal and the world takes me seriously

2. the day that I go back to Indian Creek Youth Camp

3. the day that Project 7 Days gets 1 million signatures and creationism is brought back into our schools (might take over a year but I'm excited nonetheless)

4. the day I meet my somebody who is gonna actually love me and treat me like somebody and make me see my true worth

5. the day I get accepted into Freed-Hardeman with a solid foundation (a good scholarship)

6. the day Jason Reeves releases his "Lovesick" album

7. the day I finally read House Rules by Jodi Picoult

8. the day I become a SENIOR

9. the day that I can eat anything and not get fat (not gonna happen)

10. the day that I feel I've changed a child's life

11. the day that I'm at Exposure 2011 singing praise to God and I realize that the past year has not been a waste, but that I'm stronger in Christ and I've been beneficial to His kingdom in the past year.

people that changed me in 2010

1. paige jelks

2. every soul who sang on that night of worship (december 29th) and encouraged me to "be mine no more" and give my life back to God

3. hannah elizabeth cooper

4. my mother, father, sister

5. the apostle peter (made me realize that I can make mistakes and still be a precious child of God)

6. highway 9 church of Christ, and the jacksonville church of Christ youth group

7. mary butterworth and kathryn clark

8. jessica mccord

9. kristin clevenger

10. anyone who made a stand for the faith while I was silent, and taught me to be unashamed

11. the ones who get left out, the outcasts who sit at lunch alone, those that have learned how to be unliked and are not afraid to be unpopular, those who are secure in their abnormalities compared with worldliness and are proud to be different,  those who are braver than me to be who they are and try to please no one but God almighty even if the whole world is against them.

things I wish I could take back from 2010

1. not going to 5th session backwoods

2. being in the Bible less than I should

3. being a wimp when it comes to standing up for the faith

4. getting off my diet

5. falling in love

6. stressing over small things

7. missing out on the little moments

8. gossip

9. not finishing books I started

10. missing RUSH at freed-hardeman

11. complaints

things I did right in 2010

1. wrote my sister a song

2. left bad friends for better ones

3. made my life right with God before it was too late

4. painted my walls blue and traded my humongous bed for a futon

5. bought my guitar

6. told hannah everything

7. remained a friend to someone even though it caused heartache

8. wrote my first blog

9. fell in love... yes, that's a contradiction

10. let my mom be my example

11. tried out for drum major

things I will try to do in 2011

1. keep on doing the things I did right in 2010

2. be healthy and active, but happy with myself when I'm lazy too

3. measure success by my insides and not my outsides

4. conquer my addiction with constant socialization and be happy with just me and my Bible sometimes

5. don't sweat the small stuff

6. don't complain/be more content

7. keep a smile on even when it's hard

8. lean on God

9. love without restraint or boundaries

10. have patience

11. practice to become better at everything I do, but don't stress if I'm not the best at it

songs that describe 2010 for me

1. someone somewhere, jason reeves 

2. miserably loving you, artist vs. poet 

3. god gave me you, dave barnes

4. i want to hold your hand, beatles

5. let's just fall in love again, jason castro

6. beautiful disaster, jon mclaughlin

7. if this was a movie, taylor swift

8. haven't met you yet, michael buble'

9. if you're gone, matchbox 20

10. your love is a song, switchfoot

11. something beautiful, needtobreathe

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

and I won't let a second of it go to waste.

day one

Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.

But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.

Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.

It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.

I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.

The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.

Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.

"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31, 35-39

it's late

But who cares because it's CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK

I have a wicker chair in my room now. I absolutely love this thing. I can lean back with a book or my laptop and suddenly I'm so peaceful, like it's a sunny day when the temperature is just right and I'm laying out by the pool. I'm thinking this is a keeper. It was in our garage because mom bought it at a yard sale but no one was using it so I called dibs. I think I made a good decision.

Here is a list of moments that I do not like:
1. That moment when you go from thinking the boy is your match made in heaven for all eternity to thinking wow, you're really sort of a jerk.
2. The moment when you know you just ate way too much and now you're miserable.
3. That moment when you realize that a friend that you thought you were really close to doesn't really care as much for you as their other friends, because they've chosen them over you.
4. The moment when you realize that something you love isn't what it appears to be.
5. Those moments when it's very clear that adults do not take me seriously.
6. The moments when I feel lonely for no apparent reason.
7. That moment when it clicks in my head that I'm not giving it my all.
8. That moment when I had to give up fairy tales.
9. That moment when you were complaining about your life, and then something hits you in the face and says "You have a mother. You have a father. You have freedom. You have cute clothes and food and talents and different shoes to wear with different things. You live an abundant life, and you're complaining?"

Here is a list of moments I do like:
1. That moment when God's plan is suddenly perfectly clear, and you can see Providence working.
2. That moment when you finally find that someone who is actually there for you, no matter what.
3. The moments when you're silly, and you know it's okay.
4. The moment that you capture a beautiful scene with a camera and you can keep it forever.
5. The moment when you see a daddy holding his daughter's hand and her sweet smile is so huge.
6. That moment when it's suddenly perfectly clear to you that you have a best friend, and that best friend is going to stay your best friend, and never change.
7. Those moments when you're happy just because.

I know I have more bad than good. My optimist side needs a kick in the rear end so maybe it'll start working harder again.

That's all the random stuff, now on to deeper subjects that actually sort of have meaning.

I'm writing my little sister a song for Christmas. It isn't finished yet but almost. This is what I have so far.

I wanna tell you the story of a girl

Her eyes paint a portrait of blue skies

But she doesn’t know

When she was younger she used to believe

And took hold of rich fantasies

And she let them fly, she let them fly

This girl, well she wishes she could be

A well-known celebrity

Loved by all that see her face

 And sometimes I wish I could take her

And show her the mirror

And let her know all I see is glamour, and grace

Every morning I wake up and hear

Her singing songs like she knows the words

Chorus:

[Haley, why can’t you see?

That I’m already your biggest fan

And you don’t to have fame

To change the world]

And I will never really understand

The love she can have for a man

That she never knew

I love listening to her stories

Make you laugh like you wouldn’t believe

That light in her eyes

I wish that I could make you realize

You’re so beautiful, and you don’t even try

[Chorus]

Oh, when will you see?

You’re everything you dreamed that you would be.

I don't think I'm some genius songwriter or anything, it's just really not my forte. I thought it would be a cute idea and I'm really inspired by Haley but even still, songwriting is really hard. Taylor Swift must have a whole lot of inspiration and creativity flowing in her brain, she could probably write about 10 songs in the time it's taken me to write this one. But I want it to be perfect. Which is why I'm not done.

But nevertheless, I'm really glad I could do this for my sister because she is just so unique and genuine and I know sometimes as a teenage girl she feels inferior, but I don't want her to feel that way. She is so beautiful and I'm quite sure that she is completely unaware of that. Maybe this will give her an idea.

Sometimes my patience runs dry with Haley because she's pretty spunky when she's in the mood. She can talk ninety-to-nothing and sometimes she isn't good at letting other people talk when she's in a talkative mood but she doesn't do it intentionally to spite me. I should really work on my patience.

I really love when Haley asks me bible questions even though I don't know the answers. That means she's interested in truth and I'm very proud of her for that. Sometimes I don't think I encourage that enough. It really is a great thing.

All in all I just want her to see how great she really is. Maybe I don't tell her enough.

I know I talk about my best friend a lot but... get over it.

Yesterday I went to Hannah's house along with Lindy Abercrombie and we spent the night snuggling on the couch with Nicolas Sparks movies and squalled our eyes out. I was really in need of some girl time. I love my friends from school but I know where I can completely open up and be completely myself, holding nothing back. It's with Hannah and Lindy. They make me feel so completely at home with myself and what I'm going through. I told them absolutely everything I could think of and got advice and  laughed so hard that even looking back I just have to smile.

If the term "soul mate" applied to best friends then Hannah would be mine. I know a lot of people might think we're weird what with how alike we are and how much time we spend together but honestly, with no rudeness intended, you just can't possibly understand. I honestly would not be here today without that girl. I have no idea who I would be. 

And I don't talk about Mrs. Darla a lot but I love her so much, too. Hannah's mom. I feel like I can approach her just as my own mom. She makes me feel so at home, which I'm very thankful for because I love their home and tend to spend a lot of time there.

I've just got so many wonderful people in my life.

If any of this made sense then I'm greatly surprised.

grown-up

I play pretend. Sometimes I pretend that I'm unaffected by criticism, but inside I'm dwelling on every single word that person said. And they might not even mean it as criticism, just a casual comment about my grades or my goals or anything really... I keep it inside and try to fit the mold of what that person wants me to be. But outside I pretend that it doesn't phase me. Or  I pretend I don't hear when people say hateful things to other people, or don't notice when the people that are being victimized get that lonely, distant look in their eyes that says they've given up. I don't have to experience that feeling very often BUT I do know what it feels like to be lonely and I hate hate hate it. And that's exactly what harmful words do, they make us feel lonely and unwanted and it's cruel, but it's hard to be the only one standing up while everyone else is sitting down, so sometimes I just pretend I don't notice. I pretend that I didn't hear them use God to describe a stubbed toe or something "***-awful", because God isn't awful at all and how could anything be described that way? But that isn't a popular opinion, so I pretend I didn't hear. I pretend my "friend" isn't laughing at another girl's clothes or who she asked to prom, and how she got turned down. I smile and say to myself you didn't hear that, Shauna, just try to change the subject. Which doesn't help the situation at all but the prospect of losing the support of that "friend" is scary, so I pretend that I didn't hear what she was saying. I pretend that I'm a wonderful student because I make good grades but when I get home I don't prepare as well as I could, and usually on tests I just get lucky because I'm good at problem-solving and process of elimination. I pretend that I make better than other people because I work for it but really I work just hard enough to stay comfortably the same. Pretty high A's, a low one in A.P. History because it's just "not my forte". That suffices as satisfactory, right? I pretend that it's the best I can do but I'm lying.

These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.

This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.

My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.

I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.

One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.

I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.

Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.

When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.

I want to be grown-up so bad.

But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.