Wednesday, March 23, 2011

the heart

is a fighter. it doesn't give up when the flow of love becomes painful. it can endure countless punches and still remain strong.

but even the strongest of hearts breaks. and those once broken are fragile as glass.

sometimes a broken heart isn't shattered all at once. it starts with a tiny irritancy, a slight discomfort which is put off as a hard day or a bad mood. then the ache spreads. but the process is slow, so the heart doesn't recognize what the end result will be... he is only accustomed to this slight discomfort which gradually grows stronger. he only learns to fight harder. he never gives up.

this cannot continue forever. the heart is tired and weary of fighting while the one for which it fights only resists.

the heart still has all the love it once had for this cause for which it has been fighting. and so it is not the love which is lacking, but the motivation and endurance to make that love active.

one cannot continually give every bit of his energy to moving a brick wall that will never budge.

my heart is so tired.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

everything is music is everything

today me and tyler sat in my driveway and i laid back on the concrete while he played guitar and watched clouds float by. at one point i asked him what the world would be like without music... and he said what i was thinking, "depressing". i wondered what people who didn't care for music did to relax and express their frustration and emotion. he said that anyone who said they didn't like music, were liars.

and then i thought, maybe for some people, watching clouds go by is music. their ebb and flow carelessly and so perfectly and majestically like a line of melody, and it caresses and soothes the soul.

maybe watching the sun rise and set is music. watching the colors paint the canvas sky with the notes and rhythms of nature.

or perhaps, for some, driving with the windows down. the melodic smell of the grass after it rains. long hugs that secure our hearts. the wind in our faces as we run. holding the hand of a friend while they hold your heart. beautiful lines of literature. eyes that smile. dancing across the hardwood on our daddy's shoes. the laugh of an innocent child.

maybe everything is music.

perhaps, music so far transcends anything created by man, transcends language and words and emotion... that, logically, we must conclude that music came from something, someone, much greater than us.

maybe the very word "music" cannot adequately describe the feeling that it defines. we are too mortal, too human.

and so perhaps, music itself is proof that we were made for an entirely different world.

Friday, March 18, 2011

fellowship of the unashamed

I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die is cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of His. I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
My past is redeemed, my present makes sense, my future is secure. I'm finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane thinking, "chincy" giving, and dwarfed goals.
I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits or
popularity. I don't have to be right, first, tops, recognized, praised,
regarded, or rewarded. I now live by faith, walk by patience, lift by prayer and labor by power.
My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is heaven, my road is narrow, my Guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
I won't give up, shut up, let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up for the cause of Christ. I am a disciple of Jesus. I must go until He comes, give until I drop, preach till all know and work till He stops me. And when He comes for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me - my colors will be clear.

Bob Moorehead

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also for the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, 'The just shall live by faith.'" Romans 1:16-17

Monday, March 14, 2011

i don't know why

so many things seem to get in the way of seeing my God's glory

Saturday, March 12, 2011


is so disgusting.

a) it makes other people uncomfortable. honestly. no one wants to be "that guy" whose friend is all over some girl and he just has to stand there awkwardly and pretend to be comfortable in that situation. but he's not, he just doesn't wanna be rude. i've been that guy.
b) i can't carry on a conversation with you if you are obviously not interested in anything i have to say
c) there's a line. it's called the line between cute and inappropriate. the line between "aww" and *gag*, etc.
d) who in the world will respect you if you can't respect yourself? if you can't respect the people around you by acting discreetly?
e) could you carry on a conversation with jesus? would you be embarrassed? would you straighten up immediately if he entered the room? he's already there.
f) sometimes it's good to talk. that's usually how it goes, you meet someone and you get to know them, and you know them for a very long time and then you quite possibly fall in love with them. you don't find a boyfriend and immediately love him and THEN find out things about him.
g) if you haven't found out her favorite color and her middle name, you're still in the "get to know you stage." so put about 2 feet of space between you and ask some questions.
h) there's such a thing as public and private settings... both should be handled discreetly and with propriety, but you don't have to show the whole world how you feel. if that's how you two act in public, we don't even wanna know what you do in private.
i) when you're fourteen you can't tell a girl "baby i love you i wanna spend the rest of my life with you i'll never ever leave you you're the only one forever and ever and ever and ever and ever"... uh, as sweetly as i know to say this, you can't promise that. your mommy still has to drop you off at the movie theatre, for pete's sake.
j) when people get married, they have a right to be cute. when you're in high school and you just started dating a girl, you don't own her. show her some respect.
k) there is such a thing as taking things slow.
l) there is such a thing as being happy having friends and not being in a serious relationship. it isn't a horrible situation to be in, i promise.

i actually wrote all that last night, but i was going to try and go all the way through the alphabet so i didn't post it last night. but now i've just got nothing else to say on the topic. it erks me to even talk about it so i'm gonna move on.

today was wedding planning day with my wonderful family and i had an absolute blast. kristin is going to be the most beautiful bride ever. i always knew she would be.

i've come to the conclusion that i really really miss a lot of people. some people i see every day and i still miss them like crazy. i know now that is possible, and i really kind of hate it. but i don't know how to fix it. i'm a mess. sometimes i just want to give up trying to make other people happy. it's so hard to feel like you're trying the very hardest you can to be the best friend you can be and then to be told it isn't good enough. not exactly my favorite feeling in the world. but maybe it's true. i can't pretend to be a perfect friend all the time. i wish i could. i mess up a lot.

but on the plus side today i bought a cute skirt at the thrift store for $4.50 and ate the most amazing yogurt i've ever tasted

dear anyone i've ever let down, i'm sorry. i can honestly say that i'm trying my hardest. and it's exhausting because i feel like i'm pushing against a brick wall and going nowhere.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


i have a new addiction and it's called

this is possibly the most adorable thing i've ever seen, it's like a book worm's heaven. i would have to get a lot more books for mine to look that nifty but i still want one so bad
p.s. sorry for everyone that just lost the game, i couldn't take that off
and if you didn't see that until now... haha, you just lost :)

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

knocking down walls

spring break cannot get here any faster.
is that the expression? or spring break cannot get here any slower... because that one makes more sense but i feel like the former is the more conventional phrase. i don't suppose it matters but in my mind things that don't matter sometimes matter more than with the average person. i think it means i'm an analyzer. or just ocd.

i'm kind of an organization junkie. i collect things that are supposed to organize my life and usually they don't. like tupperware boxes in my closets turn into big trash cans that store random stuff i never use but don't want to get rid of. i use my calendar religiously, though. i bought one that has the time tabs on it so i can actually write exactly when something will happen during the day instead of just a big mush of everythingihavetodoontuesday. i like that system a lot better. organized things make me feel good. it's like medicine for my mind.

today i went to a mary kay party and i don't think i've ever had so much fun in all my life. i had my make-up done and bought make-up and hung out with some of the women from church which was just fun in and of itself. i love grown-ups so much. i feel good when i talk to them.

now that my random thoughts have been released i'm ready for something actually kinda deep...

i wish self-esteem weren't such a dependent variable in my life. i wish my confidence were more sturdy. but today it's actually sky high. and i don't think that's cocky at all.

sometimes i try to put conditions on happiness. like i think that if i can make everything around me perfect, then i'll finally be happy. if i can just get this or that. if i'm liked enough. if i'm smart enough. but on days like today, i know everything isn't picture perfect. but it's okay. i'm happier than i have been in a while and it has nothing to do with what i have and everything to do with who i am. happy is waking up in the morning and being alive. happy is being a lover and a giver. happy is seeking to please others before yourself. happy is having Jesus to show you how.

i want to always be happy. and i am. but sometimes the devil builds walls between me and my happiness. he puts up insecurity and jealousy and heartbreak to keep me separated from God and happiness. my life consists of knocking down those walls. and one day, i'll break through the final wall that separates me from eternity. and i'll never ever worry about not being happy again.

"Let not your heart be troubled! You believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."
John 14:1-3

Monday, March 7, 2011

"i am who i choose to be"

sometimes i think about things that i'm not supposed to. like a dream in the night reminds me that something was here and now it's not. someone was here, and now that someone is somewhere that i don't know nor have the right to know. and it's scary. because the someone somewhere is still reminding me that i want them here, but i can't have them here. i'm not supposed to even think of them anymore but the more i try, the fall gets harder every time. i can't be apathetic. i can't not feel the way that my heart is screaming. it's impossible. it's part of me and undeniably true. i'm not sure where emotions are supposed to draw a line when you're only seventeen. i have a life to live. i don't think i'm supposed to be this restrained by something that feels like love but can't be, because love is perfect and undying and unfailing and constant and true and this doesn't feel like any of those things.

the tooth is gone and the more i try to pretend everything is perfect, my tongue keeps creeping back to that familiar place, where there's now a gaping hole that makes me feel incomplete and a little bit ugly.

i was driving, and my head hurts and all the lights are blinding as the cars pass on the highway and i want to scream at them to stop making it hurt so much. and i think about what i miss and the song that describes my feelings so perfectly, and i think about that song and dissect every lyric and know that it's exactly how i feel. and then, interrupting those thoughts, that very song is selected by random of 300 on my ipod and begins to play and is suffocating in my little car. the song that says "i miss everything about you..." and i park and lean my head back and close my eyes and i can't cry. but i sing the song that says i miss everything about you, even after everything we've been through. i sing and then i go inside and order chinese take-out and take it home to eat while i watch closer, and i lay in bed that night and know that nothing has changed, and i'm afraid that it never will.