indecisive

reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. the tennis team
2. band
3. band
4. band
5. being drum major
5. I would really miss some people. I really would.
6. less opportunity to talk about Jesus and let my light shine
7. I hate being bored
8. I like going places constantly and staying busy
9. I eat a lot when I'm bored, that could be a bad thing
10. I've come this far already

I hate being indecisive. It's really not my favorite quality to say the least.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm trying out for All-State (remember in that blog I wrote about how I tend to want to be the best at everything I do and making All-State was one of my goals? I don't know who I'm talking to, I'd be thoroughly amazed if someone has read every single one of these. Anyway it's here (stop stressing shauna baker), just in case you're interested, whoever you are). But I think I'm doing a lot better about the whole not stressing out about every event of my life which involves the teeniest bit of competition because regardless of whether I'm first chair or don't pass scales, life goes on. And so it goes. And afterwards my favorite group of people are coming over to play guitar and help me de-stress and the excitement of seeing them just pretty much trumps any kind of uneasiness I'm feeling about the try-out. It will all be worth it.

I'm really in the mood to read instead of write so this isn't going to be very long, but I want to make it a personal goal to not get into the humdrum of school and life and business and forget what I felt like after Exposure and how on fire for God I was and still am. I hope I never ever forget what that's like again because truly it's such an amazing feeling. I love having hope. I don't understand how anyone can be happy without it. I have a lot to say on this topic but I'll save it for a later date.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39

homeschooled

reasons to be homeschooled:
1. to be able to pick my friends and not be stuffed into an atmosphere with people I just really do not appreciate because of the way they act
2. to work at my own pace and not waste time learning things I already know
3. individual studies of things I'm truly interested in
4. just more time, period
5. you don't have to skip school on snow days and then give up sunny saturdays to make up for it
6. lunch doesn't have to be portable
7. I can listen to Jason Reeves while doing pre-cal, and it won't be so bad
8. there isn't classwork and then a buttload of homework, there's work that lasts for a few hours and then you can do other things with your life
9. learn how to do grown-up things
10. to not have to do make-up work when I go to the doctor
11. get a job, possibly babysitting
12. no more waking up at 5:30
13. I can wear sweatpants and drink coffee all day long
14. nobody cusses at my house
15. I can balance spiritual food and education because of the whole "no wasted time" thing
16. there is no need for busy work that has absolutely no educational value
17. because homeschooled kids are not anti-social, they're some of the happiest and friendliest people I know
18. when I'm sick, I don't do make-up work, I take a day off
19. mission trips
20. playing guitar can actually be considered an elective

reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. band

this feeling

I'm not good at pushing away sadness when I'm supposed to be happy. But thankfully very recently (yesterday) I finally learned something very important, that emotions are not sin. We can't help the way we feel, and so being angry or feeling doubt or worry or sadness is not wrong. God gave us our emotions, they are responses to our everyday lives. God doesn't judge us by how we feel but how we act upon our feeelings. Actions are what makes the difference. So I can feel sad and it's okay, but I need to try to take actions that are best for me and those around me. Which is to be encouraging and optimistic and try to not bring everyone else down with my poopy mood.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.

excitement

I don't think I've ever been this excited over pretty much EVERYTHING
WEEKEND WEEKEND WEEKEND!
LOCK-IN CHRISTIANS GOD SINGING WEEKEND!
I don't know why I have recently resorted to quoting songs and books for the main substance of my blogs but this is just hilarious
from House Rules, by Jodi Picoult

"I'm feeling pretty good, because this Friday, I won my case against the pig.
Okay, so technically, the pig was not the one who filed the lawsuit. That honor belongs to Buff (short for Buffalo, and I swear I am not making this up) Wings, a three-hundred-pound motorcyclist who was riding his vintage Harley down a road in Shelburne when a gigantic rogue pig wandered off the side of the road and directly into his path. As a result of the accident, Mr. Wings lost an eye - something he showed the jury at one point, by lidting up his black satin patch, which of course I objected to.
*skip several paragraphs*
Then I ran down the stairs to the parking lot, punching my fist in the air.
I have a hundred percent success rate in my litigation.
So what if I've only had one case?"

I think I laughed for a straight 5 minutes uncontrollably, and I do not know why I even found that funny but I found it absolutely knee-slappin hilarious
It completely screams Cherokee County Alabama to me, which is sad
Once I toured the 911 dispatching center which is underneath the county jail (I was considerably freaked out by that) with some other students who were part of a youth leadership program at school. They received a call and I was suddenly on edge because someone was reporting a crime! and that's supposed to be exciting right? No, the guy called because "his white hawse is done been chased round this house blame 10 times by some blankety blankin dog" and suddenly I was like wow, this became considerably less cool of a job because I'd have to deal with that all day. But I do like life out in the country, it's so much more beautiful than anywhere else you can go (trust me, I've been to New York and the prettiest thing you see out your window is a pretty boy if you get lucky, but there's no way he'll notice you because he has headphones in and he's determined to get where he's going with the least distractions possible, and everything else is just dank and bleak and nasty and not pretty at all, unless you hit a nice tourist spot), and I don't think I would like to live anywhere else honestly. Given I'd love to visit Italy and Greece but I can handle being a Southern gal forever.

I don't have much to talk about, I'd much rather be reading. If I keep on with these random blog posts January is gonna have more than any other month combined.

amazing

YES! I'm seriously smiling ear to ear because of a book. But that was just precious. 
If you've ever read intelligent literature before in your life and halfway enjoyed it, you have to read this book
I will never understand people that don't read

life is beautiful

Life won't always go your way

And that won't ever change

But you'll find blessings in the clouds 

And you'll find mercy in the rain 

And you'll have heartache down the road 

And tears shed from a broken soul 

But joy will seek you out and give you hope 

Like candles' lights in darkened rooms 

And how you sacrifice and try to make things right 

Is the whole world happy but you 

But hungry children cry while thirsty siblings die 

How did this life become so cruel 

And then the questions come and rare are answers known 

But this is still worth pushing through 

Cause every smile shown 

And Every laughing moment 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

And I am guilty just like you 

And I will never save myself 

And all my formulas and secret recipes 

Will never take away the pain 

But I'll find healing in His wounds 

And I'll find warmth in lover's eyes 

Cause every drop of blood 

And every tear that's cried 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

Confirms that we are beautiful 

Confirms that you are beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

With you

- The Icarus Account

about blogging

I think sometimes I psych myself out with this whole blog business and think I have to sound intelligent and serious and not overuse smiley faces because that will take away from the philosophical value of my words but that's pretty silly of me, because the only person who will really judge this is myself and the other two (perhaps three) people that actually take time to read it, and so it really doesn't matter if I sound intelligent or if my words are completely unintelligible because it's coming from my head so I shouldn't have to provide commentary on my own thoughts and feelings because I know what I'm talking about. But this is also contradictory since one could argue that since I know my own thoughts I shouldn't have to type them out, but it helps me to understand myself so I guess I'll keep typing things I already know and those two or three people might eventually get tired or reading all that random thought vomit but at least it helps me not go crazy. 
I like blogging because I don't have to use correct punctuation if I'm not in the mood (not correct grammar, I have to use that or I spaz, except in the case of run-on sentences), or if I want I can use the most ridiculous word in the dictionary that I didn't know the meaning of until I googled it just minutes ago, there is no universal standard and nobody can be offended if I use words they don't know the meaning of because I think it's enjoyable to use new words. It makes me happy. :)

I now have a deep obsession with National Geographic and I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up and that's a photojournalist. It's photography+writing+traveling to beautiful places all over the world, purely the best combination in the universe. I want to GO places and SEE things that the average person will never see, and then write all about my adventures and capture the beautiful moments with an extremely expensive camera and share it with the rest of the world so they can go there, too. It excites me to think about it all. The future is so exciting because it's all open to my own judgement and I get to form it from scratch like a sculpture, except sometimes everything won't be chiseled exactly how I'd like but still, I have an impact through every decision I'm making to formulate my own destiny. THAT is just cool.

Right now I'm reading a book entitled "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" which you would think would be completely silly, but it's actually already one of my favorite books and I'm only about 3/4 done with it and it isn't silly at all, in fact I've been close to tears many times (never caving, but probably will because I usually do), but that usually for me means that it's a very good book because I get emotional when I really love things and especially books and movies. I don't want to ruin it for the < 3 people that are reading (since you obviously like to read if you read my extensive thoughts, and you might like to read this book because like I said it's pretty great), but I will say that I've learned a lot already. The book is about a journalist living in London and trying to decide upon a topic for a new book, and she receives a letter from a man living in Guernsey and they become pen pals, and he tells her the story of the Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society which formed in defense during the Holocaust, and so she becomes friends with all the society's members through letters and learns all their personal stories of the Holocaust. Now she has visited the island and is learning everything firsthand and growing closer to them all, and she is probably (I'm catching onto some serious foreshadowing) going to end up writing a book about Guernsey. It's one of those books that I don't want to put down and I don't want it to end, either, so I'm really in quite a predicament but I'm going to keep reading and maybe one day I'll reread it (I've never reread a book in my life, there's always something else interesting me more).

BUT to the actual point in writing about that book- I will never, hopefully, understand the kind of pain that those people endured, and it makes me feel so pathetic for the little bitty things that I complain about.  I think it was Thoreau who said that "there are those who starve day after day who express the same amount of anger and resentment as the fortunate man who becomes angry when he receives a hamburger with onions when he specifically ordered one without" (that's a horrendous quotation because I really don't remember but look it up, it's one to remember). But the point is that when every little disappointment in our lives is compared with that of others across the globe it absolutely cannot be paralleled, and it's quite ridiculous of us to believe that we have the right to complain when the wrong proportion of condiments are put on the greasy food we get to have when there are people right here in this country who would love to have the onions or tomatoes right off your Big Mac. I really need to work on this I think. I read about people who were tortured and went through so much more than I could ever endure and it's so completely obscure compared to the luxury that I live in, and I just don't think I or anyone else for that matter truly realizes how blessed we are. I am SO blessed that I have my family to play games with, even though sometimes I complain because I absolutely despise the game swap but that's what Haley absolutely loves to play, and I should be more agreeable and play it with her because lots of people don't have my kind of loving family and they don't have the kind of relationships with siblings that they would actually want to play games with each other. I'm so glad I do. My life as an only child would be pretty much boring beyond belief. 

Me and Hannah took this picture at Exposure. It's pretty much the best pun EVER

I honestly did not intend for this post to be so extensive. I think it's because I'm watching the national championship simply to be socially accepted and not because I'm pulling for either team, so I've been blogging the entire time to pass time since I don't really care and obviously watching football is very good for thought stimulation because I've remembered pretty much everything I want to write about on a regular basis but always forget about. 

Christians make the best friends in the universe. I will argue this to my death because I seriously don't know what I would do if I had to rely on people that don't love God to be my friends, because that one fact is so very important because otherwise we will never be able to discuss my faults and how I can be a better influence and how hard it is to resist temptation and how excited we are that _____ is coming to church now and nobody can compete with that kind of relationship. I've always had that in Hannah and this year I've grown so much closer to so many wonderful people, including so many lovely older ladies in the church that I would die for, they're so precious and I wish I had gone to them for advice more in the past. One is my sweet grandmother who is probably the best advice giver in the world. The other day we were having lunch and drinking coffee (I definitely got that obsession from her) and we started talking about high school and how much I hate it, and she said it was the same way when she was in high school, but after I get out then I'll feel like my own person again and that I shouldn't worry, and I was so thankful to her for helping me to catch that little glimpse of hope that there IS an end in sight, and even though sometimes I'm completely miserable I know that one day I'll be a free spirit in the world and I won't have to worry about those things anymore. I know it makes me sound like a pessimist, and I hate that it does because I'm actually a pretty big optimist, I love education and I love to find out new things but sometimes the social side becomes tiresome, but at any rate everyone has to go through it and even though I don't exactly appreciate the whole premise of high school I have to go through it too, and I'll come out a better and stronger person and ready to take on the world. Luckily I have the best Christian friends in the universe who help keep me sane. I think it's Aristotle who said "A friend to all is a friend to none" (I've been on a pretty big philosophical kick lately), and even though that sounds a bit rude I find it to be very true. I still love everybody because everybody's a soul and deserves love and appreciation simply because of what they are, but being "friends" means spending time together and appreciating each others company and sharing stories and secrets and troubles, and there's absolutely no way that you can have enough in common with every person you meet to become close friends with them, especially if they lie or cheat on tests or don't want to do anything with their life, I'm not going to mesh well with that person. But that doesn't mean I can't be nice and sweet and all. I've also heard it's better to have a few close friends rather than a bunch of semi close friends, which I also whole-heartedly agree with. I have that and I'm very very thankful. Not that I don't enjoy meeting new people and making friends, but I don't have to go out and spill all my life's secrets to someone I barely know just because I need someone to confide in, because I have a lot of people that I can confide in. Basically I'm blessed, a whole whole lot. I like my life a great deal.

That's all for today, over and out.

my favorite

My new favorite thing to listen to: http://stereomood.com/mood/calm. It's a playlist of calming music. Right now I'm listening to a piano piece and I feel like such a loser because I'm like tearing up. It's so beautiful. I think my two favorite instruments to listen to are solo piano pieces, and acoustic guitar. Both are just so calming and pure and true. I know why I love music, and it's all about emotion. Music expresses emotions that transcend words... That's so cliche but I believe it with my whole heart. I could spend my entire life dedicated to making music (aside from being a Christian of course) and be completely content. But I don't ever want my career to be just that because then it isn't just a passion anymore, it's my job and it becomes monotonous and a daily task instead of just an impulsive reaction to daily things, like when I have a bad day and so I decide to sit down and play guitar and suddenly everything feels so much lighter and I can breathe again. I'm afraid if I ever pursue music as a career I will forget to use music as an escape too, because then I won't be escaping from anything because I do it all day every day anyway... That might not make sense but this is mostly for me and I know what I'm talking about. I know I have to marry somebody who loves music just as much as I do because I'm so passionate about it that to someone that isn't passionate about it I'm sure it would be extremely annoying to live with. Even the most agreeable husband in the world (which is by the way another trait that is definitely on the checklist for my future husband, since I'm potentially annoying sometimes) is gonna tell me to shut up singing eventually if he doesn't love music like I do. A regular person wouldn't want to hear me singing all day every day for the rest of their lives but a music lover wouldn't mind, hopefully. If he does then I guess I'll just have to pick between either my music or him, and I'm sure he wouldn't like how that decision is going to turn out because music wins even if he's the most gorgeous creature in the universe. 
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.

sorry

I guess no more comments. That's probably a good idea.
Sometimes the world makes me really really sad. Like when "hate" is used when love could take it's place so easily and wouldn't that turn the whole world upside down, if we love unconditionally and unbiased? But it's so easy to judge. Not saying we should accept sin and let it go by without a fight but we should love individuals regardless of who they are but because of what they are- a soul. A living, eternal soul who will spend its eternity in one of two places. God is love and love wants all men to be saved. If love wants men to be saved, what does hate do?
Hate is so unprofitable. And my heart aches aches aches.
This is a very sad post. That's why it's very very small because then maybe people will let it go by unnoticed and not dwell, because I'm sad. I don't like it at all but I'm so sad for the world and for everyone who doesn't know about God and for everyone who doesn't want anything to do with God, because I can't imagine what that does to Him. He's given us everything, without Him we're helpless, and yet people still push Him away and curse Him and... I can imagine His heart breaking every time we do that. I just don't understand. Why does it have to be this way?
But the world is not perfect, and I suppose that the allowance of free will guaranteed that man would sin. We mess up because we aren't godly all the time and we're selfish and stuff gets in the way like being popular and being so afraid of truth that we hide behind facades of apathy and detachment and hatred.
I have to believe in God. He is the only thing that keeps me grounded and without faith, I would float into the sky with nothing to keep me tied to reality. I think I would seriously go mad.
I don't want to keep going. I'll wait until I feel better and I'm not such a downer.
Sorry you can't comment on my scattered thoughts anymore. But if you read this, and you appreciate it... thank you.

change

I want to create a spark in the world. Make a ripple in a sea of apathy. Be a light on generations to come. Change a child's life, and save a soul from destruction.






Project 7 can do it. I have nothing else to say.

eleven

days to look forward to/days I hope will occur in 2011

1. the day I'm legal and the world takes me seriously

2. the day that I go back to Indian Creek Youth Camp

3. the day that Project 7 Days gets 1 million signatures and creationism is brought back into our schools (might take over a year but I'm excited nonetheless)

4. the day I meet my somebody who is gonna actually love me and treat me like somebody and make me see my true worth

5. the day I get accepted into Freed-Hardeman with a solid foundation (a good scholarship)

6. the day Jason Reeves releases his "Lovesick" album

7. the day I finally read House Rules by Jodi Picoult

8. the day I become a SENIOR

9. the day that I can eat anything and not get fat (not gonna happen)

10. the day that I feel I've changed a child's life

11. the day that I'm at Exposure 2011 singing praise to God and I realize that the past year has not been a waste, but that I'm stronger in Christ and I've been beneficial to His kingdom in the past year.

people that changed me in 2010

1. paige jelks

2. every soul who sang on that night of worship (december 29th) and encouraged me to "be mine no more" and give my life back to God

3. hannah elizabeth cooper

4. my mother, father, sister

5. the apostle peter (made me realize that I can make mistakes and still be a precious child of God)

6. highway 9 church of Christ, and the jacksonville church of Christ youth group

7. mary butterworth and kathryn clark

8. jessica mccord

9. kristin clevenger

10. anyone who made a stand for the faith while I was silent, and taught me to be unashamed

11. the ones who get left out, the outcasts who sit at lunch alone, those that have learned how to be unliked and are not afraid to be unpopular, those who are secure in their abnormalities compared with worldliness and are proud to be different,  those who are braver than me to be who they are and try to please no one but God almighty even if the whole world is against them.

things I wish I could take back from 2010

1. not going to 5th session backwoods

2. being in the Bible less than I should

3. being a wimp when it comes to standing up for the faith

4. getting off my diet

5. falling in love

6. stressing over small things

7. missing out on the little moments

8. gossip

9. not finishing books I started

10. missing RUSH at freed-hardeman

11. complaints

things I did right in 2010

1. wrote my sister a song

2. left bad friends for better ones

3. made my life right with God before it was too late

4. painted my walls blue and traded my humongous bed for a futon

5. bought my guitar

6. told hannah everything

7. remained a friend to someone even though it caused heartache

8. wrote my first blog

9. fell in love... yes, that's a contradiction

10. let my mom be my example

11. tried out for drum major

things I will try to do in 2011

1. keep on doing the things I did right in 2010

2. be healthy and active, but happy with myself when I'm lazy too

3. measure success by my insides and not my outsides

4. conquer my addiction with constant socialization and be happy with just me and my Bible sometimes

5. don't sweat the small stuff

6. don't complain/be more content

7. keep a smile on even when it's hard

8. lean on God

9. love without restraint or boundaries

10. have patience

11. practice to become better at everything I do, but don't stress if I'm not the best at it

songs that describe 2010 for me

1. someone somewhere, jason reeves 

2. miserably loving you, artist vs. poet 

3. god gave me you, dave barnes

4. i want to hold your hand, beatles

5. let's just fall in love again, jason castro

6. beautiful disaster, jon mclaughlin

7. if this was a movie, taylor swift

8. haven't met you yet, michael buble'

9. if you're gone, matchbox 20

10. your love is a song, switchfoot

11. something beautiful, needtobreathe

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

and I won't let a second of it go to waste.

day one

Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.

But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.

Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.

It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.

I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.

The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.

Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.

"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31, 35-39