young

i am not a young person.

young people don't have mental breakdowns over the apathetic nature of other young people and they usually have somewhere to be on friday night like i guess

they like the movies or just hanging out in a random parking lot somewhere

but they don't sit up reading cleopatra

or become so emotionally attached to friday night lights to the extent

that they are swelling up in tears every time julie rejects matt over the phone because he left her alone to pursue a life in chicago

(i'm almost done with the last season and i'm pretty sure i will need a therapist when that happens)

i would love to go back to hugging my best friend for no reason while we wait in line at subway 

and squealing as we check off the names in MASH and find out who we will marry one day

and taking 30 pictures in a row with every facial expression we can think of

but even worse than not being a young person is not being an adult either

being in this in-between where i don't really belong in either category

floating somewhere between the people i've left and the people who seem to have left me

and wishing that life could push me farther forward to catch up

this place i'm in, it feels very useless. very vague and foggy so that i can't even see the ground i'm standing on sometimes

i am so impatient but i would be completely happy being an in-betweener if there was anyone to stand with me and complain about it too. i feel that i am an annoyance to both groups because my puzzle piece just doesn't quite fit

worry

sometimes i worry. actually this is a massive understatement because i always worry. i worry about being late and being early and having smelly feet or bad breath and being too forward to the point of annoyance or too shy to the point of making others uncomfortable, too cocky or uncomfortable in my own skin. i worry about being a disappointment or not realizing my mistakes and whether i look unique or just plain silly. i worry about eating too much or being too lazy or not lazy enough, working myself to death or not being productive.

okay so i'm basically a worry-a-holic, i could probably write a book entitled How to Worry Yourself to Death and make all kinds of money, that is if anyone really desired to learn the art of worrying that i have accomplished and i really do not recommend it

i have a habit of talking all the way around a subject before getting around to it but this is my blog so i think i'm allowed to do that. here is the thought that began this whole deal: i think i worry most about missing chances. like that moment when you're at a crossroads and you can't decide which side belongs to your heart and which side belongs to your logic and if they could possibly be on the same side, and you want to see the end of the road to see where you're going to end up but the thing is you can't do that, you have to choose a path and follow it all the way to the end. i worry about missing an opportunity for beauty. like when you don't want to go somewhere but you do, and then you realize that you would have missed the chance to witness something truly magical? i don't want to miss those moments. but i also worry of being too impulsive (i have a constant inward battle, check out the blogs from april and you will see my impulsiveness which i believe is now overcome with my logic). i don't want to restrain myself so much that i cease to live but i also need stability. who am i? does anyone else constantly wish they could have a list of their own characteristics listed for them so that they could decide how to react in every situation? because i feel like i make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with the person i actually am and more to do with who i want to be at that particular moment, but that changes and suddenly i'm in a circular cycle of not knowing how to react in any situation and not knowing which path to choose because one is labeled excitement and one is labeled security and my brain is so tired that sometimes i think i just close my eyes and walk without deliberation

i couldn't sleep last night because suddenly a road sign was in my head that said this could be awesome and the subscript said "you are happy but you could be happier if you go this way" and it's almost like de ja vu because i feel like i've been down this road before and told myself i wouldn't go again but now it's different scenery and they planted some new daisies and the road i'm on looks like a dead end

so who wins, security or excitement?

i'll let you know when i decide who i am

souls and politics

i wish i knew the whole story. i wish i felt like my opinion was valid and be confident that i have an intelligent side to share.

truly, i don't know everything i need to know to make valid arguments about the subject. and i don't want to know everything. i'm blessed to have soldiers that risk their lives to keep me safe. i'm not a politician. i'm not informed enough to discuss every detail of the past 10 years.

but i can tell you the thoughts that are flying through my head right now.

i love souls.
i hate when christians argue with each other.
facebook debates are so pointless.
everyone doesn't go to heaven. people go to hell. and i can't stop that from happening.
the world is really messed up.
"not everyone that saith unto me 'lord, lord' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."
good people can be wrong.
passionate people can be passionate about something that is wrong.
feeling good doesn't guarantee righteousness.
some people can hear the gospel preached to them in the most eloquent or straight-forward ways, it doesn't matter, they're too proud to really soak it in.
sometimes, i'm afraid that i don't convey my love for god in a humble way. i want to be humble more than anything. i don't want to be misunderstood.

sometimes, it's easier and less stressful to not state your opinion. because opinions require taking sides, and what if your heart isn't just one-sided?

to breathe

i need fresh air and long expanses of nothingness. to think about nothing and feel obligated to be nothing and do nothing. i need to feel unrestrained and not judged. i need freedom. i need less drama. i need more dreaming and bliss and less worrying. i need to feel comfortable. i need to not feel tied down. i need to not feel completely responsible for another person's happiness. i need to not feel dependent on one single person for happiness unless that person is God. i need more space. i need to not feel vulnerable. i need to remember how to be happy and optimistic and smiley

i want to be best friends with my nannie

i want to go all the way around the world because i can

i want to see Jesus

i want to be a good Samaritan

i want to laugh embarrassingly loud

i want to tell a complete stranger that Jesus loves them

i want to be the girl that people are proud of

i want to exercise the right to smile


... this is right. i'm already breathing easier

mobile, myrtle beach, parrot mountain, gatlinburg... i want to run away to you. i breathe better with you.

homeschooled

reasons to be homeschooled:
1. to be able to pick my friends and not be stuffed into an atmosphere with people I just really do not appreciate because of the way they act
2. to work at my own pace and not waste time learning things I already know
3. individual studies of things I'm truly interested in
4. just more time, period
5. you don't have to skip school on snow days and then give up sunny saturdays to make up for it
6. lunch doesn't have to be portable
7. I can listen to Jason Reeves while doing pre-cal, and it won't be so bad
8. there isn't classwork and then a buttload of homework, there's work that lasts for a few hours and then you can do other things with your life
9. learn how to do grown-up things
10. to not have to do make-up work when I go to the doctor
11. get a job, possibly babysitting
12. no more waking up at 5:30
13. I can wear sweatpants and drink coffee all day long
14. nobody cusses at my house
15. I can balance spiritual food and education because of the whole "no wasted time" thing
16. there is no need for busy work that has absolutely no educational value
17. because homeschooled kids are not anti-social, they're some of the happiest and friendliest people I know
18. when I'm sick, I don't do make-up work, I take a day off
19. mission trips
20. playing guitar can actually be considered an elective

reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. band

sorry

I guess no more comments. That's probably a good idea.
Sometimes the world makes me really really sad. Like when "hate" is used when love could take it's place so easily and wouldn't that turn the whole world upside down, if we love unconditionally and unbiased? But it's so easy to judge. Not saying we should accept sin and let it go by without a fight but we should love individuals regardless of who they are but because of what they are- a soul. A living, eternal soul who will spend its eternity in one of two places. God is love and love wants all men to be saved. If love wants men to be saved, what does hate do?
Hate is so unprofitable. And my heart aches aches aches.
This is a very sad post. That's why it's very very small because then maybe people will let it go by unnoticed and not dwell, because I'm sad. I don't like it at all but I'm so sad for the world and for everyone who doesn't know about God and for everyone who doesn't want anything to do with God, because I can't imagine what that does to Him. He's given us everything, without Him we're helpless, and yet people still push Him away and curse Him and... I can imagine His heart breaking every time we do that. I just don't understand. Why does it have to be this way?
But the world is not perfect, and I suppose that the allowance of free will guaranteed that man would sin. We mess up because we aren't godly all the time and we're selfish and stuff gets in the way like being popular and being so afraid of truth that we hide behind facades of apathy and detachment and hatred.
I have to believe in God. He is the only thing that keeps me grounded and without faith, I would float into the sky with nothing to keep me tied to reality. I think I would seriously go mad.
I don't want to keep going. I'll wait until I feel better and I'm not such a downer.
Sorry you can't comment on my scattered thoughts anymore. But if you read this, and you appreciate it... thank you.

it's late

But who cares because it's CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK

I have a wicker chair in my room now. I absolutely love this thing. I can lean back with a book or my laptop and suddenly I'm so peaceful, like it's a sunny day when the temperature is just right and I'm laying out by the pool. I'm thinking this is a keeper. It was in our garage because mom bought it at a yard sale but no one was using it so I called dibs. I think I made a good decision.

Here is a list of moments that I do not like:
1. That moment when you go from thinking the boy is your match made in heaven for all eternity to thinking wow, you're really sort of a jerk.
2. The moment when you know you just ate way too much and now you're miserable.
3. That moment when you realize that a friend that you thought you were really close to doesn't really care as much for you as their other friends, because they've chosen them over you.
4. The moment when you realize that something you love isn't what it appears to be.
5. Those moments when it's very clear that adults do not take me seriously.
6. The moments when I feel lonely for no apparent reason.
7. That moment when it clicks in my head that I'm not giving it my all.
8. That moment when I had to give up fairy tales.
9. That moment when you were complaining about your life, and then something hits you in the face and says "You have a mother. You have a father. You have freedom. You have cute clothes and food and talents and different shoes to wear with different things. You live an abundant life, and you're complaining?"

Here is a list of moments I do like:
1. That moment when God's plan is suddenly perfectly clear, and you can see Providence working.
2. That moment when you finally find that someone who is actually there for you, no matter what.
3. The moments when you're silly, and you know it's okay.
4. The moment that you capture a beautiful scene with a camera and you can keep it forever.
5. The moment when you see a daddy holding his daughter's hand and her sweet smile is so huge.
6. That moment when it's suddenly perfectly clear to you that you have a best friend, and that best friend is going to stay your best friend, and never change.
7. Those moments when you're happy just because.

I know I have more bad than good. My optimist side needs a kick in the rear end so maybe it'll start working harder again.

That's all the random stuff, now on to deeper subjects that actually sort of have meaning.

I'm writing my little sister a song for Christmas. It isn't finished yet but almost. This is what I have so far.

I wanna tell you the story of a girl

Her eyes paint a portrait of blue skies

But she doesn’t know

When she was younger she used to believe

And took hold of rich fantasies

And she let them fly, she let them fly

This girl, well she wishes she could be

A well-known celebrity

Loved by all that see her face

 And sometimes I wish I could take her

And show her the mirror

And let her know all I see is glamour, and grace

Every morning I wake up and hear

Her singing songs like she knows the words

Chorus:

[Haley, why can’t you see?

That I’m already your biggest fan

And you don’t to have fame

To change the world]

And I will never really understand

The love she can have for a man

That she never knew

I love listening to her stories

Make you laugh like you wouldn’t believe

That light in her eyes

I wish that I could make you realize

You’re so beautiful, and you don’t even try

[Chorus]

Oh, when will you see?

You’re everything you dreamed that you would be.

I don't think I'm some genius songwriter or anything, it's just really not my forte. I thought it would be a cute idea and I'm really inspired by Haley but even still, songwriting is really hard. Taylor Swift must have a whole lot of inspiration and creativity flowing in her brain, she could probably write about 10 songs in the time it's taken me to write this one. But I want it to be perfect. Which is why I'm not done.

But nevertheless, I'm really glad I could do this for my sister because she is just so unique and genuine and I know sometimes as a teenage girl she feels inferior, but I don't want her to feel that way. She is so beautiful and I'm quite sure that she is completely unaware of that. Maybe this will give her an idea.

Sometimes my patience runs dry with Haley because she's pretty spunky when she's in the mood. She can talk ninety-to-nothing and sometimes she isn't good at letting other people talk when she's in a talkative mood but she doesn't do it intentionally to spite me. I should really work on my patience.

I really love when Haley asks me bible questions even though I don't know the answers. That means she's interested in truth and I'm very proud of her for that. Sometimes I don't think I encourage that enough. It really is a great thing.

All in all I just want her to see how great she really is. Maybe I don't tell her enough.

I know I talk about my best friend a lot but... get over it.

Yesterday I went to Hannah's house along with Lindy Abercrombie and we spent the night snuggling on the couch with Nicolas Sparks movies and squalled our eyes out. I was really in need of some girl time. I love my friends from school but I know where I can completely open up and be completely myself, holding nothing back. It's with Hannah and Lindy. They make me feel so completely at home with myself and what I'm going through. I told them absolutely everything I could think of and got advice and  laughed so hard that even looking back I just have to smile.

If the term "soul mate" applied to best friends then Hannah would be mine. I know a lot of people might think we're weird what with how alike we are and how much time we spend together but honestly, with no rudeness intended, you just can't possibly understand. I honestly would not be here today without that girl. I have no idea who I would be. 

And I don't talk about Mrs. Darla a lot but I love her so much, too. Hannah's mom. I feel like I can approach her just as my own mom. She makes me feel so at home, which I'm very thankful for because I love their home and tend to spend a lot of time there.

I've just got so many wonderful people in my life.

If any of this made sense then I'm greatly surprised.

grown-up

I play pretend. Sometimes I pretend that I'm unaffected by criticism, but inside I'm dwelling on every single word that person said. And they might not even mean it as criticism, just a casual comment about my grades or my goals or anything really... I keep it inside and try to fit the mold of what that person wants me to be. But outside I pretend that it doesn't phase me. Or  I pretend I don't hear when people say hateful things to other people, or don't notice when the people that are being victimized get that lonely, distant look in their eyes that says they've given up. I don't have to experience that feeling very often BUT I do know what it feels like to be lonely and I hate hate hate it. And that's exactly what harmful words do, they make us feel lonely and unwanted and it's cruel, but it's hard to be the only one standing up while everyone else is sitting down, so sometimes I just pretend I don't notice. I pretend that I didn't hear them use God to describe a stubbed toe or something "***-awful", because God isn't awful at all and how could anything be described that way? But that isn't a popular opinion, so I pretend I didn't hear. I pretend my "friend" isn't laughing at another girl's clothes or who she asked to prom, and how she got turned down. I smile and say to myself you didn't hear that, Shauna, just try to change the subject. Which doesn't help the situation at all but the prospect of losing the support of that "friend" is scary, so I pretend that I didn't hear what she was saying. I pretend that I'm a wonderful student because I make good grades but when I get home I don't prepare as well as I could, and usually on tests I just get lucky because I'm good at problem-solving and process of elimination. I pretend that I make better than other people because I work for it but really I work just hard enough to stay comfortably the same. Pretty high A's, a low one in A.P. History because it's just "not my forte". That suffices as satisfactory, right? I pretend that it's the best I can do but I'm lying.

These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.

This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.

My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.

I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.

One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.

I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.

Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.

When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.

I want to be grown-up so bad.

But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.

goofy

I've decided that I have absolutely no desire in life to be average/normal/predictable. How boring is that? Never bringing any new ideas, never doing anything outside the mold. I don't want people to think about me when I'm gone and think "wow, that sure was a great girl. She never did anything to break away, always trying to please the majority. She was a real follower." Uhm no. That's a life wasted.

I'm really really really thankful for the opportunity to be goofy. It's one that I believe more people should take advantage of. Don't take life so seriously. It's gonna end up killing us all, so don't live in fear of it. Be yourself. Be crazy. Dance around.

Okay, right now. Take the absolute most hideous picture of yourself that is possible. It's for you. Come on, just do it. No, you aren't too cool. That's right. Squint your eyes. Stick your tongue out in an unladylike/ungentlemanlike fashion. Don't worry, it's allowed. Now click.

(By the way, how is unladylike a word but ungentlemanlike not a word? Are men are never scrutinized for not acting like gentlemen? Does anyone in our generation even know what a gentleman is anymore? This is quite a sad little revelation I have uncovered.)

Looking back there are a lot of situations in life that I wish I could relive, and have more fun. I could have been that person that cracked a joke and put everyone else at ease. I could have been the optimist. But sometimes I forget that I'm allowed to have fun in bad situations. But it's legal, trust me.

I think I'll start a new routine of inserting silly comments in bad situations. :) This could be potentially annoying but who cares. If you're gonna be a sour puss then you will be a sour puss regardless of whether I approach the situation happily or not.

ALSO I sent in my first college application today! Yes, I am definitely a junior in high school still. Unfortunately. But it was free and Whitney my admissions counselor from Freed said I should apply early, and so I did. I love Freed-Hardeman University. It's such a wonderful Christian atmosphere... I feel like when I'm there every day is camp, which= every day being an enormous powerboost to serve God. I would love to have 4 years of that.
BUT I would also love to go to UA. They have the Million Dollar Band and football and an accredited Journalism and Public Relations program, one of the highest ranked in the nation...
I'm glad I don't have to make this decision right now, because I have no clue what I would do.
I want to put God first and go to Freed but I can also have a strong church family at UA plus more evangelistic opportunities with nonChristians, so I'm not sure if that's putting God first or putting comfort first. I think I could serve God in either environment but the spiritual basis of Freed is just extremely attractive... I have no idea. I'm a mess.
BUT it's all gonna work out for the best. College searches are supposed to be fun, not stressful, and although I am known to be a compulsive stresser I have made the decision to abstain from that, especially in this period of my life which is already high-stress as it is.

I think my thoughts have halted for now. I'm gonna go read, nighty night.

religious stranger danger

Sometimes I wish I could be as straight-forward with my "friends" and frequent acquaintances about my relationship with Christ as I am with strangers.

stranger: Hey
me: Who is this? 
[Isaiah 40:31] - my signature.
stranger: I just made up this number. Lookin for someone to chat with. I love your signature :)
me: Haha uh well thanks, it's my favorite bible verse! I love being a Christian :)
stranger: Wow, Christian girls are so hard to find! I've been looking for years! I love the Lord Jesus! I've been a christian since I was 5.
me: It's a wonderful life to live. :) The only way to live, actually, that's worthwhile.
stranger: So true :) How long have you been a Christian?
me: I was baptized into Christ when I was 11 years old. :) I was lost in sin, but being clothed with Him I became a new creature. :)
stranger: Awesome :) may I question you on something?
me: Please do! I love questions. :)
stranger: You said "baptized into Christ." I do believe the Bible says baptism does not save you. It's something you do to show that you have been saved by Jesus.
me: Well, that's a very popular opinion in our society, but respectfully I don't think that's what the scriptures teach.
stranger: Oh? Please explain what you believe the bible says.
me: Well, I read in Acts 2:38 of Peter commanding them to repent and be baptized to be forgiven of sins. In 1 Peter 3:21, I read that just as water saved Noah's family, even so we are saved by water through baptism. And Galatians 3:27 says that being baptized into Christ, we put on Christ. There are several other references such as every conversion in the book of Acts included baptism, and the baptism was immediate, not after a long period of time following the person being "saved."


I don't know what happened to the guy. I guess I offended him, he didn't want to hear what I had to say. Maybe he'll come back later to ask more questions.
But basically, that was not hard at all to do.
And I don't say all this to say that I've done some great thing because I really haven't, I should be having these conversations more often. It's my duty as a Christian. I shouldn't treat these conversations like a special event.
Why can't I strike up conversations like that with the lost that I see every single day?
I hope some of them will read this and ask me questions.
I want to be a soul winner.
Not just a "Christian" who puts bible verses on her blogs and fills a pew on Sunday.
Not just a "pretty good" person.
I want someone out there to absolutely hate me because of who I am.
I want them to absolutely dread seeing me every day because they'll have to hear me talk about Jesus.
And I don't say that to say that I want to get on people's nerves with the gospel, because please understand that I don't see how anyone could not heed to it. It's the greatest gift of all, the most wonderful sound in the world.
But I don't want people that hate God to be able to not hate me. That shouldn't be possible.
But maybe I can change their mind.
That's my mission but sometimes I forget.


He came back.

stranger: Many people translate that idea in a different way. Baptism is said to be an outward way of expressing an inward change. The bible doesn't clearly state that to be saved you have to be baptized. First a person is to admit to God that they are a sinner. Believe that Jesus is God's son and he dies to save everyone. Confess your faith in Jesus as Lord. That's where baptism comes in. It's how you publicly say, I have died and have been buried with Christ, and have rose again to walk in newness of life. In other words it's how you say, hey everybody I'm a follower of Christ and I'm not ashamed of it! I don't know these references right off but I have them somewhere.
me: Then at what point are you saved? And could you give me a scripture to go with that?
stranger: I'm looking for the scripture. And as to the point when you're actually saved, that happens when you fall on your face and give it all to God. Ask him to come into your heart and be Lord of your life.
me: A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense. You've quoted some scripture and I can tell you know your Bible. :) But I've looked and I can't find the "sinner's prayer" anywhere in the Bible.
stranger: I've got all my notes and stuff in a mess, hang on I got all the scriptures right here somewhere.
me: Take your time. :)

I want to wear the name Christian on my attitude.
I want to be on fire.
Sometimes I fall into a rut and forget what it's like to truly love God.
To truly trust God, and serve Him with my whole heart.
It's so easy to forget.


I hope I can have an impact on this boy.
Maybe I won't, but I hope I at least do the best job I can.
I want to... wait, he's back.

stranger: Thanks :) I'm looking for my notebook. Why isn't anything ever where I need it?

Uhhh... so I just realized.... how does this person know I'm female?

me: Hey, can I ask you something?


Yeah, they're totally not answering. Can religious conversationalists be creepers? If an old pervert man wanted to come kidnap me would he try to convert me first?
I'm a bit worried.
Scratch that. I'm majorly freaked out.
But I guess if I die I'm dying for the cause of the Lord, so that's a good reason. 
Hey, he's back.

stranger: Oh sorry my dad called a family meeting. What can I do for you?
me: This is an odd question, but... How did you know I was a girl?
stranger: ....... :/ ...i did know that didn't I?
me: You did.


Maybe false doctrine in the religious world is kind of like stranger danger. We teach our kids to never trust someone unfamiliar to us, because they can be dangerous. Even if we think they seem nice enough, harmless enough, the results can be fatal. And if we go for the doctrine that is easiest, coolest, most widely accepted, then sure, we might have friends in this life. We might feel good. But we're putting our souls in serious jeopardy if we go by any doctrine that does not coincide with the Bible.


stranger: Huh... :/... I knew... Interesting.
me: Do you know who I am? Honestly.


I'VE CAUGHT HIM!


stranger: I'm not one to lie. Let's just say you were... Recommended by a friend.
me: Dude, I'm not gonna be mad. Just tell me.
stranger: Oh you sure? Most people would stop talking to me. But this person kinda said that you would kill them if you knew they told me about you.
me: I think I deserve to know who you and "that person" are, at this point.


Wow. Men.
I really wish we could turn this back into a religious conversation.


stranger: Umm... promise me you won't get mad? I'd feel bad if I hurt a friendship. :/
me: Yes, I promise. You aren't, I guess I should be flattered... in a weird way.
stranger: What do you mean? :/
me: Nothing, just tell me please. I'm not mad, see? :) <- smiley face.
stranger: Is there some way this person can not find out I told you this? :)
me: Sure, why not.


Dude... This is getting ridiculous.
Just tell me who you flippin' are.
Oh. My. Lanta.


stranger: Kinda a weird long story but, I met you because of your ex-boyfriend. His name is uhh... starts with a "_" sounds like "___" or something like that :/
[this message has been censored so as to save some poor soul from embarassment]
me: Yes, I did date a guy with that name. And you know me how?
stranger: I was talking to him and he gave me your number and said I should text you cause you're really nice and you can't tell him I told you cause you promised okay?
me: Lol, I promise. I find this quite humorous actually.
stranger: Really? :) How so?
me: No reason. Anyway, don't tell me who you are. Maybe one day you'll want to re-meet me in real life and at that point you probably won't want this conversation remembered. :) But let me know if you have any more religious questions! Sleep tight stranger, I love your soul. :)
stranger: Hmhmhm:) is it ok if I text you again tomorrow? Don't wanna bother you but I would like to finish what we started. :)
me: You can start with that bible verse I asked for, sound cool?
stranger: Sounds awesome:) ..... What verse was that exactly?
me: Scriptures for your opinions on how to be saved.
stranger: Oh yes :) That family meeting cut me off as I was working on that.
me: Kay thanks. :) Bye stranger.
stranger: Bye Shauna :)


I guess the guy isn't a creeper. Hopefully. This is really unlike me but I guess I should sacrifice my personal comfort for the opportunity to evangelize.
I don't know why but the fact that he used my name just made me shiver. I need sleep.
And does anyone know what "Hmhmhm" is supposed to translate to? I thought I knew text talk but this kid is ridiculous...

hello, goodbye

I take everything to heart. It honestly tears me apart when someone shuts me out of their life. And it's even worse when it's someone very important to me. AND it makes it even worse that at one time, I felt that I was very important to them.

I'm trying to think of all those sweet little quotes that people broadcast on their statuses, the ones they used to paste onto their myspaces back in the day, in big bold letters stating that if someone lets you go they were never yours to begin with and a true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out...

It always made perfect sense.
Until it became too real, too quickly.

I don't see what's so hard about replying to a text message.
Being one of the 200 people to say happy birthday. It takes 5 seconds.
Ask how I'm doing. Or just say hey. You could stop after just that.
You could even get someone else to ask for you. I don't care.
Just acknowledge my existence in a somewhat positive way.

I feel like such a pathetic loser.
I only have two venting methods, and that's blogging and Hannah. But Hannah's busy, so that means that this is the only way to let it out.
Silly, I know.
Since blogging is totally public and everyone in the universe could read this.
But maybe that's also part of the reason that I do...

I hope Hannah becomes unbusy soon before I say something I shouldn't.
I just hope one day I can learn to trust the people I should, and lean only on them and not on those that will continually let me down.
I seem to have a problem with that.

dream

last night i had a dream and i really wish i wouldn't have.

but it was a good dream.

it felt SO REAL.

i woke up smiling and content.

and then saw the hotel room and the bright desk clock flashing 4 A.M.

i stopped smiling.

and so once again, i have come to the realization that the people that i wish to see, the moments i would love to relive over and over...

... they are the ones that hurt me the most.

i should be happy enough with the people that have stuck with me through it all.

and not base my happiness upon one who hasn't.

stop stressing shauna baker

So I'm supposed to be writing an essay using 500 words of original thought about: if I were an employer, under what circumstances would I fire an employee, or in my opinion, what invention or discovery has brought about the most far-reaching and lasting changes in our civilization.

Original thought is very tiring.

Which is very ironic considering I enjoy writing original thoughts online, but that's much less stressful and I don't feel like I will be judged. Well I guess I am being judged, that is given someone reads this, since it is a natural human tendency to judge even though we don't intend to sometimes. But that kind of judging doesn't really matter as much as sending in an official original thought essay for Writer's Bowl competition because this could really be a great thing if I won.

I stress myself out way too easily.

This is a problem. Matt is trying to teach me how to not stress myself out but I'm really not very good at not being stressed. Wise people always told me to set goals for myself, but I think I set too many in too many different categories so that it's hard to stretch myself across all of them.
Like getting best in class drum major in competition and valedictorian and winning this Writer's Bowl thing and advancing in the line-up for tennis this year and getting All-State on flute.
And I think that if I push myself enough that I can do all these things but the reality is that I can't be best at everything even though it would be nice. I'm not best at tennis and I'm not the best drum major or the best writer or flute player or teen genius or whatever, and the people that are the best do one thing and practice hard and do really well at it. Which I would rather have fun and be semi-talented in many areas rather than spend my entire high school career doing one thing and trying to be perfect at it.

So I'm trying really hard to stop stressing about things that I cannot control. But it's very hard.

I also cannot control how people treat other people cruelly. That's one thing I'm pretty much never guilty of, I'm proud to say, but I guess some people just really have trouble respecting other people. Like the other day at school when a group of guys were harassing a girl making her dance so they could laugh at her. I know she probably isn't really all there, and she might not realize that they were making fun of her, but everyone else did notice. It made the guys look really bad and I lost all respect for them right then. I tried along with the people around me to get the girl to come talk to us instead of staying with that group of guys but they kept getting her attention and asking her to do some more dancing. Finally after about 10 minutes I was just super angry, and that's pretty rare for me because I don't get mad hardly ever but I was mad and I screamed at them. It didn't help the situation, which screaming usually doesn't and I shouldn't have but I didn't know how to make it stop.
I didn't really know what to do and even know I don't know how I should have handled that situation.
But I don't care who it is and whether they realize it or not, making fun of other people just makes you look heartless. Especially right in front of them.
I know sometimes we say if you have something to say about someone you should say it to their face, but I'm not sure whether we mean that or not. Sometimes I'm aware people might be saying things about me, but when someone walks up to my face and makes the statement and hurts my feelings I don't respect them any more than the people saying it behind my back. Sure they're more courageous but they're also less sensitive.

Well through all this I have not discovered any epiphanic (didn't know that was an adjective until now) thoughts about being an employer or important inventions, but at least I've gotten some thoughts out there.
The only invention I can think of would be internet but that's totally generic and I'm sure by the time they get to mine they'll be completely bored of hearing that. But it makes sense because these days I'm pretty much revolved around internet and it's very unhealthy. I need to make some changes.

October Resolutions:


1. Don't stress.


2. Stay off the internet and build some intellect.


3. Pray; don't try to handle things on my own.


4. Be friendly. All the time. To everybody.


5. Never let this room get that nasty again.


6. Accept myself and my abilities, and don't push what my feeble mind cannot handle.


7. Use less personal pronouns.


8. Let conversation revolve less around myself and more about others.


9. Be happy.


10. Drink less coffee and Diet Dr. Pepper before my teeth turn a serious irreversible shade of yellow.




I kept realizing more and more things to change but I don't know if I can handle that many at one time so we're gonna stick with this for now. I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm tempted to post a song that I am listening to at the moment but I'm afraid it will reveal too many of my true feelings which are to remain secret at the moment because in my mother's words I have to "play it cool."


This song describes my every emotion perfectly though, just sayin'. =) I love when that happens.

Oh by the way I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE FALL. I even love it enough to do a whole bunch of obnoxious capitalization in one sentence because it is purely the greatest season of the year. It's cooling off sometimes, and you've got football and hoodies and campfires and band competitions and everything good in life. :) I think I'd like to keep fall for a while, just a little bit cooler temperature and then it can stay as long as it likes.

lately

First of all I would like to say that to anyone who listened to me cry and squall and complain and tell you how hard my life is for the past few days, you're my hero. And I'm sorry for turning into such a downer. I've truly never experienced a time in my life that is this hard before and I feel the need to blog about it because by tomorrow I plan to have it all gone and be back to normal Shauna again.
The first thing you should probably know, in case you don't, is that my Dad has been in the hospital.
Woah.
The last time I was this afraid for my Dad was when he was in a car accident and was taken straight to the ER and we had to wait in the waiting room for like 2 hours before I knew anything.
Except this time, I've waited 5 days and they still don't really and truly know what's causing my Dad to have so much pain.
But luckily it's controlled now, and he can hopefully be home tomorrow. I really hope so. It's one of those things where I truly love my Dad, but maybe in the past I didn't always hug him before I left for school, or just say I love you for no reason, or ask his advice when I'm having a hard time. And now that I can't do all those things it's made me realize how much I really need my Dad, and I don't know what I would do if this was forever.
But luckily it's not, and I know for some people they aren't lucky enough to say that, and to them I am truly sorry. You are much stronger than I will ever be.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my Dad and I are alike. We really are. See Mom and Haley are the detailers. When they hear a story, they want to know everything about it. What time you got there what was the person's middle name what shirt were you wearing how did they say it why? All of those things. See me and Dad, sometimes we just really want to know the ending. We like absolutes, simplicity. We're more of 'sit there and listen' rather than ask questions about it. And it's not like I prefer that over the personality of other people because I love Mom and Haley and love talking to them, but it's just like me and Dad have that connection. I got that from him. I have his hair and his doubts and love for tennis, although his ability surpasses mine tenfold even with all the ridiculous surgeries he's had. He can whoop me anyday. We aren't always good with expressing our feelings, we're afraid to let our emotions show and sometimes we hide it when we're upset. We can't always put feelings into words but writing comes like breathing. My dad can write a letter that will bring you to tears, and he has many times that I've read them. He loves Math and chocolate, and he hates to feel that he has let himself down by not accomplishing his full potential. All these things he has instilled in me. Sometimes I let myself dislike something about myself and then I remember oh, I got that from my Dad, so I smile and all of a sudden I like myself again. :)
So yes, I love my Dad and that's been causing me stress that he isn't at home and nothing is normal.

Sunday I cried all stinkin' day long because Dad wasn't home and Mom wasn't home and I didn't have a boyfriend to cry to and my best friend was busy and my other best friend was gone and I just had to cry. I cried and cried and cried until my stomach just hurt and was in knots and I didn't want to eat.
Then about 1 A.M. I "got sick" (that's my nice word for throw up because I don't particularly like any other word people substitute there). After that I went to bed and felt better but then at 4 A.M. I was wide awake again with that same feeling. It was like something was taking everything in my insides and flipping it all backwards so it didn't fit quite right inside of me, and I thought I would get sick again but I didn't.
I didn't go to school that morning, and Mom left again to go to be with Dad.
I slept and slept and woke up and felt better, so at 11:40 I took the pre-written note that my mother had given me and checked in to school thinking that everything would be okay. I ate graham crackers for breakfast. I was feeling okay.
I got to class and sat down and felt all the eyes on me and the feeling was back. Everything that was so common place in my life had been thrown around inside of me and I couldn't be comfortable there. At 12:00 I said I was sick and went to the nurse. At 12:30 I went to Wal-Mart to get advil and sprite, and I went back home.
(p.s: sprite gets really old when it's the only thing you drink for 24 straight hours. just fair warning.)
So I thought well I must have a stomach virus and so I stayed home and didn't go to band practice after asking and making sure that was okay with Mr. Prather, which it was because of course he wanted me to rest and I'm pretty sure he probably didn't want the whole band with a virus on Saturday for competition.
Yeah, let's add a little bit more stress. I've missed two practices and competition is Saturday. We have one practice left.
So Monday I stayed in bed and just took it easy and thought well, by tomorrow this stomach virus will be gone and I can go to Youth Leadership Thing and it'll all be okay. I'll get caught up. (I had to also get caught up from 2 days last week when I was at the orthodontist/dentist, so that's a lot of catching up to do.)
I also cried a lot on Monday. I cried because I was just lonely and sick. Maybe that's why I was crying.
One time I opened the cabinet and smelled bubble gum candy smell, and almost fell down with the upside down feeling.
My grandparents came over and brought some pretzels with peanut butter in the middle that's good when you have Upset Stomach and "ohhh, I hope you feel better..." I really did feel better because people were here and I love these people and these people really care about me.
This morning the alarm went off and my stomach literally cringed at the sight of the clock. I sat up in bed. Felt queasy. Went back to sleep. 7 A.M. "Shauna, are you feeling better?" "Nnnmmmm..." Slept until 10.

Wake up. Go downstairs and my mom is actually still here, so I sit and talk and we laugh. I eat more of the wonderful peanut butter pretzels and drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, because Sprite just makes me cringe at this point.
Then I started to cry again...
Guys, I'm serious. I've never cried this much in a consecutive order in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn't even pinpoint the cause anymore, everything was just upside down and nothing could be right.
I had the open book on my lap to study for the three tests I would make up and I just couldn't look at it.
It would help if I weren't an extreme perfectionist who hates making bad grades ever. It's a sickness.
It was just i'm gonna make a bad grade daddy's not here i'm lonely my stomach hurts mom please don't leave why am i such a pessimistic loser my stomach hurts please come home Dad.

And this is the really really really sad part.
My Dad left me on Friday.
I read my Bible.
I said my prayers for meals and before bed.
Mom and I talked about needing God to help us through hard times.

...

I didn't lean on God.


And if I had truly leaned on Him, given Him all my burdens to carry, maybe I wouldn't have made myself sick.
Maybe I could have made a few more people happy instead of making everyone feel bad for me, when truly my Dad is the one they should be truly worried about.
Maybe this break-up wouldn't be so hard if I were more accepting of God's will.
Maybe I'd be a better best friend.
Maybe I wouldn't let my Mom down.
Maybe I would be a better example to my little sister.
Or maybe, I would have been able to see the example of my sister, who has taken everything in stride with God in mind.


I'm ashamed to say that yes, I did think about these things before now.
But I was wallowing in self pity.
I thought well Shauna Blake Baker doesn't have hard times like this. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. Why is everything happening to me? Why can't I just be happy anymore? Why won't God let me be happy?

And truth is, I was the one making myself sick and miserable all the while.







Even looking back on this blog I'm overwhelmed at my uses of personal pronouns.
I would delete it now but I want you all to see that yes, I can be self-absorbed sometimes because I'm human.
But that was wrong.
Everything for the past few days has been I FEEL SICK and I AM LONELY and I NEED ATTENTION. But truly all I needed was to mend my relationship with God.
All I needed to do was just breathe, and relax, and stop stressing over things I can't change.
And STOP thinking I'm the only person in this whole world who deserves to be happy.

My mom deserved to be happy, but she has to drive back and forth every day to see my dad with tubes coming in and out of him, and then see my crying over my little problems.
My dad deserves to be happy, but HE has to be in Birmingham away from his family and in tons of pain and not able to play tennis for months.
My grandparents deserve to be happy and not worry over whether their son will be home anytime soon.
Everyone who has called me, everyone who has checked up on me and my family, everyone who has prayed for us, they deserve the satisfaction of my thanks. Not my pessimism. They haven't done anything wrong.

So I'm sorry to everyone and to my Heavenly Father, who deserves so much more praise and glory than I have given Him. He is forever in control.





And now that all this is behind me, I love my God and I love my family and I just love life and all it's many glorious blessings. I love that trials make me stronger and sorrows always have a way of escape.

And finally, I love myself and that my God made me in His own image. I make mistakes and I've made a whole stinkin' lot these past few days but I'm ready to go into the world and be different and be a soul winner for the cause of my Lord. =)




I've also decided that I will not date until I am married, and that I will never touch Sprite again.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30

making polite conversation

Why do I spend more time obsessing over how this page looks rather than the actual words?
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.

question mark

Today has been the weirdest day I've had in a very long time. It wasn't that the events of the day were weird per say, but my reaction to normal day activities and things like that were plum strange. Today was supposed to be pretty special because I went to a youth day in Adamsville, Alabama. Put young Christians with my almost-never-seen boyfriend and lots of singing and I should be one happy girl. But before I ever left, I already missed everyone. Can you miss someone you're staring right in the face? I missed Taylor as soon as I saw him, before we ever spoke, because I knew it would have to end and we'd be apart. I missed all my friends even before the first song was lead. I missed just being and feeling so at home in this place of people with like faith and the support that I felt. I missed it not only in past tense but in future. It was incredibly weird.
When I left it felt as if there were a huge gaping hole that was eating out my insides. I felt sick. I don't have any clue why; I heard 3 great gospel lessons and spent time with people I absolutely love, but I felt horrible. I felt bad and I was angry with no reason at all. I couldn't tell you who in the world I was angry with, more than likely just myself for feeling the way I did. Without going into great detail, I began to doubt everything that was so common knowledge to me before. I questioned all my convictions. It was scary.
I don't know how I went from 5 minutes ago feeling horrible to this random epiphany, but I realized that without trust you'll never feel secure. You can't keep questioning whether people are being truthful because you'll end up hurting them. Part of being a friend is trusting that person to take care of you and care about you. If you always question whether they truly care for you then the trust is broken. I hope I didn't do that.
Today has been one big question mark. I was in a funk and I'm glad I got out.