strength

Everything is going to be okay, because:

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."

- Deut. 31:6

"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?"

- Ps. 27:1

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

- 1 Cor. 10:13

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." 

- Proverbs 3:5-6

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

- Isaiah 40:28-31

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

- Matthew 11: 28-31

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things? Who shall bring a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is he who condemns? It is Christ who died, and furthermore is also risen, who is even at the right hand of God, who also makes intercession for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: “ For Your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.” Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

- Romans 8: 31-39

I never want to be without God. 

question mark

Today has been the weirdest day I've had in a very long time. It wasn't that the events of the day were weird per say, but my reaction to normal day activities and things like that were plum strange. Today was supposed to be pretty special because I went to a youth day in Adamsville, Alabama. Put young Christians with my almost-never-seen boyfriend and lots of singing and I should be one happy girl. But before I ever left, I already missed everyone. Can you miss someone you're staring right in the face? I missed Taylor as soon as I saw him, before we ever spoke, because I knew it would have to end and we'd be apart. I missed all my friends even before the first song was lead. I missed just being and feeling so at home in this place of people with like faith and the support that I felt. I missed it not only in past tense but in future. It was incredibly weird.
When I left it felt as if there were a huge gaping hole that was eating out my insides. I felt sick. I don't have any clue why; I heard 3 great gospel lessons and spent time with people I absolutely love, but I felt horrible. I felt bad and I was angry with no reason at all. I couldn't tell you who in the world I was angry with, more than likely just myself for feeling the way I did. Without going into great detail, I began to doubt everything that was so common knowledge to me before. I questioned all my convictions. It was scary.
I don't know how I went from 5 minutes ago feeling horrible to this random epiphany, but I realized that without trust you'll never feel secure. You can't keep questioning whether people are being truthful because you'll end up hurting them. Part of being a friend is trusting that person to take care of you and care about you. If you always question whether they truly care for you then the trust is broken. I hope I didn't do that.
Today has been one big question mark. I was in a funk and I'm glad I got out.

best friend

I love days when I finally get home, look back, and actually smile instead of complain (which is what I have realized that I like to do a bit too much, so it's one of my September resolutions to stop complaining.) I used to always be miss happy sunshine optimist about everything, which I know is potentially annoying and probably worse than being pessimistic, but it makes me feel better about myself and my attitude. However, I have slowly digressed to seeking the bad in things and people, and I'm not liking that about me at all. So today was great because I have many things to smile about.

Primarily the happiest part of my day was when my best friend forever Hannah Cooper and myself went out to eat at Subway and just talked. Hannah and I haven't done that in a long time, and it's one of my favorite things about our friendship. It's like the chemical formulas of our conversations fit together perfectly, like puzzle pieces that were hand-made especially for us. I've never had a dull moment with her ever because unlike the general population who wants to say "Hey, how are you?" and totally zone out at that point in time, Hannah's the person that says "Tell me what's happening with you" and sits there and listens and enters comments at just the right time and conversation flows just like fluid water. This is total cliche but we literally talk about anything. There is no judgement, no superiority. I'm pretty sure I could tell her that I wanted to hitch hike to North Korea and she would help me get there in any way possible. Given she'd probably tell me that it's not a very good idea in her humble opinion, but she'd still help me if I were set on it.

We can do things like penguin waddle in public and talk loudly about boys and race in lazy river rides. We hold hands during prayers and she gives me honest opinions with no sugar coating to hide the truth. I've cried over everything and nothing, and cried from laughter over everything, and nothing. Our personalities are compliments, we balance out the differences. Alone I was reserved but with her I became friendlier. I was a weak Christian influence and she gave me strength. I was hopelessly heart-broken and she introduced me to the fish in the sea. Without her I truly don't know who I would be, because she's formed me in so many ways for the better.So I'm lucky. EXTREMELY lucky. I wish that I could clone Hannah and give everyone a best friend like her, because every trial of my life is made so much lighter and every joke is just a little bit funnier.

adoption

I've been thinking a lot lately about adoption. I'm sure this thought process was brought on by the most recent book I've been reading, Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult. She's my absolute favorite author of all time 1. because I can never put her books down (I had to stay up until 2 A.M. reading this one and had visions of big scary men stabbing me in my bed) and 2. she had this freaky way of knowing exactly how humans react in every circumstance, even though she's never experienced it. She can write about parents of children with autism and terminal diseases as if she had really lived that life and suffered the hardships of it. Also her novels always have some romance and I'm a hopeless romantic so I guess that helps, too. But I digress.
I believe that adoption is such a beautiful thing. It's like goodwill. You look at a piece of clothing and think eww, how in the world did I ever wear that so you chunk it to goodwill to see if anyone else will find it attractive. And they do, they find it and think that they have never experienced such a beautiful thing in their life. And they wear it all the time to show it off and aren't ashamed at all to say yes, I found this at goodwill because they love it so it doesn't matter where it came from. I know that motherless children are much more important than a tacky dress you find at goodwill but it paints a picture for me.
So I've decided that when I get old I want to adopt children. In fact, I even had a thought yesterday that I could adopt a child from every race and then we could make family pictures and they could be an advertisement for the It's A Small World Ride at Disney World (which is possibly the most annoying ride I've ever experienced solely due to the theme music and the tone of the children's voices while singing that sends shivers up my spine and almost makes me want to punch a wall. But I like the theory of the ride.) Also, did you know that Asian children are the most adorable children in the world? It's true. The same goes for Asian old people. They're all adorable.
I want to have a super big family when I get older. Don't get me wrong, our famliy gatherings are super fun sometimes but it's usually like my family and one aunt or one uncle. And I love them all but I've always pictured a huge dining room table with 16 chairs and every chair filled with another table in the outer room for all the kids and I can host my whole family and play games like Mafia and Rook tournaments. And I know that's like a megaload of money we're talking about but I don't really have to be rich to be happy, I'd rather have a big family and get by than one child and have a ton of money. But that's just my opinion.
And I conclude with some of my favorite quotes from Jodi Picoult.


"There's always going to be bad stuff out there. But here's the amazing thing -- light trumps darkness, every time. You stick a candle into the dark, but you can't stick the dark into the light." 
- Change of Heart


"I, um, I have this problem. I broke up with my boyfriend, you see. And I'm pretty upset about it, so I wanted to talk to my best friend... The thing is, they're both you." 
- Nineteen Minutes


"Love is not a because, it's a no matter what."
- Second Glance


"When you love someone, you say their name different. Like it's safe inside your mouth." 
- Handle With Care


"Heroes didn't leap tall buildings or stop bullets with an outstretched hand; they didn't wear boots and capes. They bled, and they bruised, and their superpowers were as simple as listening, or loving. Heroes were ordinary people who knew that even if their own lives were impossibly knotted, they could untangle someone else's. And maybe that one act could lead someone to rescue you right back." 
- Second Glance


"A mathematical formula for happiness:Reality divided by Expectations.There were two ways to be happy:improve your reality or lower your expectations."
- Nineteen Minutes


"Life sometimes gets so bogged down in the details, you forget you are living it. There is always another appointment to be met, another bill to pay, another symptom presenting, another uneventful day to be notched onto the wooden wall. We have synchronized our watches, studied our calendars, existed in minutes, and completely forgotten to step back and see what we've accomplished." 
- My Sister's Keeper


"There are all sorts of experiences we can't really put a name to...The birth of a child, for one. Or the death of a parent. Falling in love. Words are like nets--we hope they'll cover what we mean, but we know they can't possibly hold that much joy, grief, or wonder. Finding God is like that, too. If it's happened to you, you know what it feels like. But try to describe it to someone else--and language only takes you so far." 
- Change of Heart


Read some Jodi Picoult, I promise you it's worth it.

togetherness

Good morning beautiful world. I would like to begin by saying that, obviously, I've been in a pretty big crud mood lately. And I hate crud moods for me because they last for about a week-week and a half and make me seem like a pessimistic and cynical human being, which I like to think I'm not. But now it's gone and I'm back to normal me and hopefully mr. crud will stay away for a very long time so I won't make anyone else mad.
ANYWAYS. So last night I had an epiphany and I would like to share it with whomever is interested in reading this blog, which could be a long one since I have nothing to do but be ready when Taylor gets here in an hour and a half to enjoy a Do Nothing Day of football and probably involving me whooping up on him in some pool/foosball a few more times. These days are my favorite :)
But, anyways. Last night the Cherokee County Warriors traveled to Crossville for our first away ballgame. First of all, it's important that I tell you that lately during this ugly crud mood I was beginning to doubt my involvement and position in the band. Not that I would ever say that I dislike being in the band, because band is one of the few things that I have found a true passion for. But for a while I think I had forgotten what I like so much about being drum major specifically, and that is bringing people together. Feeling like a mediator. Feeling important and worthwhile. And that sounds like I'm a total stuck-up loser but I can't lie - it's the absolute truth. And last night our band was located smack dab on the end of the bleachers, and right in front of the cheerleaders. Now ask average joe in the stands if the band and cheerleaders get along very well, and he's probably going to tell you that if it's anything like any other high school he's ever seen, they hardly speak to each other. This was our standing until last night when our nice new band director told the entire band "They are right here in front of you, and you will cheer with them. You will cheer every cheer with them, because you want them to do the same thing for you during our cheers. So CHEER LOUD." And immediately the cheerleaders+band erupted in hooting and hollering. And I smiled, but inside I'm thinking this won't last more than five minutes. Then it started pouring down rain and we went into Crossville's band room, which although it was smelly it was very nice of them to make room for all 70 of us when it was really only enough room for the 70 of them. By half-time we were able to perform. We reassembled at 4th quarter. And EVERY SONG WE DID, the cheerleaders cheered for us. EVERY CHEER THEY LED, we screamed the words along with them. And it was the most amazing feeling I've ever experienced at a football game (besides winning state championship, but only barely.) I could care less if we win another game the rest of the season (no offense, because I love football and want our boys to do well so they're happy at school which makes everyone else happy), but looking at the big picture I think football games are about coming together. I think it's the football team being encouraged by the band and joined by the cheerleaders and joined by the crowd and everyone knowing that this is the way it always should be, everyone connected and this thing in common that brings us all closer and helps us forget that I don't like that cheerleader because she's just a snob and our football team really stinks this year and I think I'll punch that referee in the face afterwards. Because it really doesn't matter whether we win or whether they make bad calls or if there's something about that person we don't like because we're a human being and there are things about us that people don't like. I'm sure for other people it's because I don't study a whole lot but I'm blessed enough to make good grades and that I was blessed with the position of drum major, which isn't really a high and holy position because all I have to do is have a good attitude and have a sense of rhythm, and sometimes look pretty. The band works 10 times harder than I do - I'm pressured to do well on game night, and they have to do well every day of the week or we'll fall apart.
One more thing and then I'll finish getting ready so I don't look horrid: I've recently realized that when someone is passionate about something, that should be their decision and not concern other people's opinions. I can't imagine how hard it would be for me if people were constantly telling me that MUSIC is just stupid. I would still love making music, but that's taking away the joy of sharing my passion with others because I'm afraid they won't feel the same way. Who cares if you like music? Who cares if you would like to be a cheerleader or not? It's OUR THING. And you can have your thing and we can have our thing and support each other in the things we do, because it makes us happy. And if we're happy in what we're doing then it shouldn't concern other people. They shouldn't have to tell us their opinions on the things that we love.
So lately, since I found my good mood again, I've started to make lots of realizations and in summary I would like to say that I love our cheerleaders and hope that they will move and be closer to us at every football game, so we can bring the audience together with us while bringing ourselves together to cheer for the football team and everyone will be just that - together.
Now it's time for some football.

perfect Shauna

I'm really not a very good person. Most of the time I think I just lie to myself so I don't have to truly face facts.


[1] I'm incredibly blessed to have a close group of friends to protect me from feeling lonely. This summer at Horizons I didn't have Hannah with me to make me feel safe, so I had to meet all new people which isn't truly hard for me because I like to think that I'm usually pretty friendly with new people. But I also experienced what it's like to sit alone, eat alone, walk alone, go hours without having a true conversation with someone about how you are feeling. I felt what it's like to be in a horrible mood and no one notice. I found out what it was like to be in a large crowd of people and no one realize that you want to cry. And I don't say this to make anyone who went to Horizons feel bad, because I met some wonderful people who were so nice and such an encouragement to me. I'm just saying that sometimes I didn't feel like I quite fit in anywhere. And even after that experience which should have truly changed my life like it did so many people, I can still sit at lunch with my group of friends surrounding me and closing me off from the rest of the world, and let kids who are probably not bad people and probably have a lot of interesting things to say, sit alone. They haven't done anything wrong, if they've ever said a word to me it was probably very kind and had a nice smile to go along with it. They are just as worthy as anyone else to have a group of friends ask them how their day is going and make them laugh. But even though I witness this every single day I still don't go sit with them. I never ask strangers how their day is going or if I can sit with them at lunch or make them feel worthwhile. I put myself on this high pedestal with my group of friends and act as if everyone else is too far below to reach. That's so horrible and I know I need to change it. I say all the time about how much I hate high school, I hate hate hate all the drama and immaturity. But really I think I just hate what high school is doing to me, or rather who I'm letting myself be turned into. I don't like her.


[2] I'm not as close to God as I could be. I want to put on a show for the world that says "Look at me, I'm a wonderful Christian" but that's an extremely dangerous thing to do while you sit idly and don't work for the Lord because then whoever is looking at you is thinking that Christianity doesn't include working, but that's so wrong. Christianity is all about working. And I haven't been. I've let myself fall into that rut of going to church and saying prayers and doing motions. But I let lonely kids be lonely. I let teenagers talk about other teenagers in the most horrible ways, and sometimes I might even pitch in. I want to think it's enough to just let bad things happen and claim to have no involvement instead of actively trying to stop bad things from happening. And so I'm not the Christian that I want to be. Which is such a scary thing, because life is so short and I don't have time to be not the right kind of person that I need to be. I want heaven more than I want life, and that's so hypocritical for me to say under the circumstances. But I know that part of being a Christian is making mistakes and OH BOY have I had enough of those. I don't think it bothers me so much that I've messed up, because I'm always going to do that, but I want to put on a pretty show for the world to make it think that I'm perfect. I'm sure I've failed miserably and I need to just stop trying and be completely honest with myself and everyone else and especially God. But God is so forgiving and even while I'm getting lost in this crazy world He still maintains control of the world. He's never shaken like I am. He's steady as a rock.
Also there are so many people that are sick and can't come to worship and I know I should be sending cards and going to visit them instead of wasting time but I just sit at home telling myself how exhausted I am and that I don't have any time to do anything. And there are people that I see every single day that used to worship God but they haven't been in a long time and I haven't said a single word about it to them. I'm letting myself get so scared of them rejecting me and forget that I need to be more worried about their soul than how much they like me.


My problem is opinions. I care too much about being a crowd pleaser and not enough about pleasing God, because that's really the only opinion that matters but I don't realize that.


That's all for now, sorry for my rambling.

two hearts with one beat

So tonight we had a thing at church where all the young people from all the area congregations come together and sing praise and eat pizza and watch The Little Rascals, and it was the complete highlight of my day. I love youth stuff. I love just coming together with people that think the same way that I do and have the same struggles, so I feel like I have my own little Christian friend army and we can stand strong together. The world is a beautiful place but it's also really easy to get lost among the crowd and forget. Those times are when I need Hannah because she's like my strength mechanism when I get really weak and tired of being different than the world. She pushes me and makes me feel beautiful, and so I love her and love being her best friend a great deal. Matt led the song "Our God, He Is Alive" which if you've never heard sung before, get a group of kids on fire for God and sing it acapella from the bottom of your hearts. That song can bring tears to your eyes. It's my all time favorite forever and ever amen.
Nights like tonight really make me realize how truly blessed I am. Seriously. I have the most wonderful life ever. Some people say that during good times you forget about God. I disagree. They say that you need tough times to make you remember God and appreciate God and seek guidance from God, and I believe that's true. But my mom tells me that she grows closer to God in the good times because she realizes how blessed she is and that all blessings come from God. My mom is the most wonderful woman on the planet. I feel blessed that I surpassed the generic I-hate-my-life-and-I-hate-my-parents-and-I-just-want-to-stay-in-my-room-and-never-speak-to-my-family-ever stage of teenagerdom. I truly believe I would have been the most miserable human being alive. I think I might have entered the stage for about an hour, and then realized I hurt my mom's feelings so I cried. But back to the point - my mom is completely wonderful. I'm happy to say that we have a good relationship. I need to do better though. She's always there to give me the best advice I can receive but stupid pride makes me want to put on my big girl panties and handle it on my own. But I'm still a sixteen year old baby. I need my mom. I realize that more and more every day.
I'm finding myself to be more and more unlike teenagers. But that's okay with me, because to put it quite frankly I've known some really stupid teenagers... Stupid meaning making totally dumb decisions. And I don't really feel sorry, because part of being in this free country is that we have the opportunity to gain an education and make something of ourselves. And that may be free to us, but it wasn't to the soldiers who fought for it. So I don't feel sorry when you choose to waste that.
I'm in a great mood because I just finished a 30 minute skype date with Taylor. We hadn't had one since Thursday and you would've thought my world was ending, forreal. I'm pretty pathetic, not gonna lie. But I don't think he minds. He loves me but he loves the lake, too, and I'm okay with that as long as we get skype dates and occasionally I get to go, too; it's a good deal.
In other news, tonight was also epic because I got to watch my favorite scene in the entire spectrum of children's films, which is Alfalfa and Darla in the boat floating along and Alfalfa says "Oh Darla, we're two hearts, but with one beat." HOW PRECIOUS. My heart just melts every stinkin' time. And one day I will sit my boyfriend down in a cutesy little boat with lots of hairspray so he's got the do going on and we will reenact this scene. He hasn't been informed of this will but you can bet it'll happen.


I'm not sure I could really pinpoint what this blog was supposed to be about, but I think I got said what I needed to say. Mostly I think I just wanted to tell you how wonderfully blessed my God has made me, and that I love my boyfriend and Alfalfa, but Taylor a little bit more. That'll be all.

follower

I'm not entirely sure what makes a person truly qualified to have a blog. I've been reading a few, and those people are the truly unique, sometimes bazaar. But they act like being bazaar is the only way to be, and so it works. They're the people you can't imitate because you feel like to take their originality would be a sin. If I could have customized my personality, I would have checked the box that said "originality." I know those who are truly wise will continue to preach to the young that "you can be whoever you want to be", but I'm starting to think that isn't the case. It doesn't matter how much I try to make every word I type sound like I'm a true gift to humanity and everyone should hang upon my every word and opinion, sometimes people just aren't gonna want to read everything you're thinking. And so I've decided that if I indeed decide to publish this, it will be as an escape for myself to put down all those weird thoughts I've had on reserve, and not to try to impress anyone with my eloquence or whatever.

Now I'm gonna even gonna try to lie, I've been trying to convince people for 16+ years that ohhhhhh I'm sooooo unique and different from anyone else you've ever met, but it's totally not true. I'm probably a whole lot like a lot of people you know. But that's okay to me, because if I can pick out the best traits in other people, maybe I can adopt some of those super good traits and make up a somewhat good personality. I've got some traits that I truly despise. Like stressing, and imitation, and sometimes a touch of jealousy. But they came with the whole Shauna Blake Baker package, and I've recently discovered that you can't just get rid of your bad traits forever. They're part of you. You have to learn how to manage them. Such as keeping a schedule of every single thing I want to do during the day, week, month, to manage my stress. Yep, that makes me a nerd, and I like that. I even have a calendar in my favorite color. I'm not sure what it's called, but it's some shade of blue. Kind of tealish I think.

So this post is beginning to sound a whole lot like a "Dear Diary" entry, so I decided that just for reminiscing purposes I should pull out the old diaries. I'm looking at one now that is pink velvet and bedazzled on the outside, with BRATZ written huge at the top of every page and four girls at the bottom dressed for a slumber party. Listen to this.


August 9th, 2004
Dear Diary,
       Today was the day Daddy went for a checkup in Birmingham. Then, we went to Chuckie Cheese's. We went to eat at Ol'Charley's. I got a kids steak & fries. It was really good. We got a 5 layer cake which was DELICIOUS! We watched Indiana Jones AGAIN! It was really scary.
(Here I have drawn a picture of two hands, with the right hand circled + 2 fingers + morrow. I'm assuming that is supposed to read "write tomorrow.")
Love, Shauna Baker


August 10th, 2004
Dear Diary,
      Today we went to meet my teacher for 5th grade. She was nice. But she didn't greet me like a kid. She held a meeting for us & the parents to lay down the law & everything. We only have recess ONCE a week. But it last for an hour. Jessica has Mrs. Abernathy. She was Haley's teacher in 1st. Oh, by the way, Daddy was in Mrs. Sharp's class in school. She said he was smart. Period. I thought she'd go into detail.
Love, Shauna Baker


January 30th, 2005
Dear Diary,
      Yesterday night the most important thing in my lifetime happened. I was baptized into Christ on January 29th, 2005! It was really cold! It was Saturday at about 9:30. They didn't have time to heat up the water! Chris baptized me. It was his second time to baptize someone I think. He baptized Gabe, too. I partook of the Lord's Supper for my first time this morning. Everyone was very proud of me. I am 11 years old
Sincerely, The New Me


May 1st, 2005
Today was church day. I was going to hear Chris preach, but my parents got confused and I couldn't go. I invited Kristin to come over today & ride 4-wheelers. Hannah had a thing yesterday for her band. She sang a duet! She was super. After we went to Subway to eat. We had a lot of fun. Hannah is my absolute BEST BEST FRIEND!
Talk 2-Ya Later, Shauna Baker


Surprisingly, I haven't changed very much in the past 5 years. I still think Indiana Jones movies are scary, I'm mad that we don't get recess anymore, I'm proud to be a christian, and Hannah Elizabeth Cooper is my best best friend.