Saturday, June 25, 2011


i'm a really poopy best friend. i don't know why matt and hannah and lindy picked me because i'm horrible at it. and you'd think that after so many years of having best friends that i'd quit doing silly things like making promises i won't be able to keep because i promise one i'll hang out this day and another i'll go to such and such... on the same day... and then another asked me to skip both and hang out and i say "what time?"
seriously? what kind of twisted friend schedules something for all three best friends on the SAME NIGHT?
a very bad one.

i'm sorry, all of you. i completely understand if one day you got completely fed up with my mediocrity of friendliness and decided to search other venues for someone more equipped for the job. obviously i just don't cut it. ever.

i judge others too harshly. i make so many mistakes but sometimes i think i like to exaggerate others' mistakes and minimize mine.

i need to pack for camp but i think i'm too disgusted with myself and i'll probably pack everything that looks the ugliest

i love you.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


sometimes i worry. actually this is a massive understatement because i always worry. i worry about being late and being early and having smelly feet or bad breath and being too forward to the point of annoyance or too shy to the point of making others uncomfortable, too cocky or uncomfortable in my own skin. i worry about being a disappointment or not realizing my mistakes and whether i look unique or just plain silly. i worry about eating too much or being too lazy or not lazy enough, working myself to death or not being productive.

okay so i'm basically a worry-a-holic, i could probably write a book entitled How to Worry Yourself to Death and make all kinds of money, that is if anyone really desired to learn the art of worrying that i have accomplished and i really do not recommend it

i have a habit of talking all the way around a subject before getting around to it but this is my blog so i think i'm allowed to do that. here is the thought that began this whole deal: i think i worry most about missing chances. like that moment when you're at a crossroads and you can't decide which side belongs to your heart and which side belongs to your logic and if they could possibly be on the same side, and you want to see the end of the road to see where you're going to end up but the thing is you can't do that, you have to choose a path and follow it all the way to the end. i worry about missing an opportunity for beauty. like when you don't want to go somewhere but you do, and then you realize that you would have missed the chance to witness something truly magical? i don't want to miss those moments. but i also worry of being too impulsive (i have a constant inward battle, check out the blogs from april and you will see my impulsiveness which i believe is now overcome with my logic). i don't want to restrain myself so much that i cease to live but i also need stability. who am i? does anyone else constantly wish they could have a list of their own characteristics listed for them so that they could decide how to react in every situation? because i feel like i make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with the person i actually am and more to do with who i want to be at that particular moment, but that changes and suddenly i'm in a circular cycle of not knowing how to react in any situation and not knowing which path to choose because one is labeled excitement and one is labeled security and my brain is so tired that sometimes i think i just close my eyes and walk without deliberation

i couldn't sleep last night because suddenly a road sign was in my head that said this could be awesome and the subscript said "you are happy but you could be happier if you go this way" and it's almost like de ja vu because i feel like i've been down this road before and told myself i wouldn't go again but now it's different scenery and they planted some new daisies and the road i'm on looks like a dead end

so who wins, security or excitement?

i'll let you know when i decide who i am

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

beautiful bride

new things are happening and old things have ceased happening and things that i don't completely understand are happening
life is moving forward and it excites me

when i was a little girl, kristin and i walked the circle of our grandparents' yard for hours one night. she had her very first boyfriend and was venting about how silly he was. she was in seventh grade i think so i was only in third. i thought i knew everything. i thought there was no one better on earth for kristin to go to for dating advice than myself. i wanted to feel important. i wanted her to need me.

kristin's getting married and that boy has such a treasure

i've started having a simple bible study every night with my friend dustin, we pick a chapter (we're in hebrews now) and we simply discuss the major points and what spoke the most to us, and it's not hard at all to do but it puts me in such a wonderful mood and i like having that connection with someone. he inspires me so much because he's off working very hard leveling a school and he's exhausted every night but he never forgets to remind me about our bible study. i just love him. he's awesome.

there are so many truly inspirational people in my life that i cannot begin to tell you about them all. lindy abercrombie is one. one day i'm going to write an entire blog about her and you just wouldn't believe how amazing that girl is. everytime i see her she's talking to someone about their life and it's almost never about hers, which makes me kind of sad, but she's just the kind of person who will always ask about you and never bring herself or her issues into conversation because she puts others above herself. she has such a good heart. that kind of heart which is naturally good. it seems so natural and becoming to her.

i wanna be just like her. in every way.

you know how "famous people" make all kinds of money and have glamorous lives and all? i feel so sorry for them. because lives like lindy's are the kind that are famous in the way that is most important. when she gets a boyfriend or loses/gains weight it isn't written across some magazine because those are silly reasons to be recognized. but she's famous to me. and in 40 years she's a name i will remember.

i think i'm overloaded from lack of blogging. i like this quote:

‎"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

Thursday, June 2, 2011


i'm in love. i'm so in love and i'm ashamed that it took reading a book to re-convince me of just how deeply and irrevocably and undeniably i am in love.
i am in love with God. my God is the God who created everything. did you catch that? my God created everything. the breath you and i just took simultaneously, he gave us that. your brain cells and the billions of universes that exist and every cell contained in one square inch of your skin. thousands of species of trees and birds and bananas and everything you've ever seen, thought, or felt. my God was the mastermind behind it all. and i love Him.
why do i sometimes forget how privileged i am to serve Him? why does it become "i have to study, i have to pray, i have to worship" like i'm checking off my to-do list for the things-i-have-to-do-to-go-to-heaven. when did being a christian become more about making it to heaven and less about being completely and utterly in love with the One who created it all? being unable to imagine an eternity that was not filled with Him?

"The critical question for our generation- and for every generation- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

that paragraph scared me when i read it. how could i forget that? how could i go on dreaming about heaven and being frightened by hell and doing all these necessary things in my life to reach for one and avoid the other, but completely forget the love that God deserves and demands from His followers? God DESIRES that i love Him. me, little old shauna blake baker with the laugh that explodes at inappropriate times and the unhealthy stress level... God wants me to love Him. and He loves me. and oh, I cannot understand it but He loves me so much. and I'm in love with Him.

i hope i never forget this. i'm putting it in writing so that i will have somewhere to go, something to read my thoughts while i was so on fire for God that it hurts. because i'm not like this all the time. but oh, i want to be. i want want want to love more and more and more until i have nothing left to give and then, i want to give it all. i want to be vulnerably and defenselessly in love with God, so that the only thing i have to protect me from life is Him.

i want to be ready to die all the time. i want to look at my things and laugh at myself for collecting such an array of stuff that profits me nothing. i want to live like i'm ready to die so that i can finally live. what about heaven. i want to know what my mind will think the very second i enter the gates. what is the first thought that will enter my mind when i am finally in heaven? when i'm finally home? in times like this i want to be there so much and at other times my fleshly mind forgets that my laptop and estelle my cute little car and all the books on my shelf and the purses i buy even when i know i already own thirty, all those things are here like a vapor and then they will vanish. and what will be left? my love for God. that will be with me. that's the only possession that I can hold onto forever. my soul inside that aches to find it's Maker. the calling inside me that's always longing for home.