"Jesus was never interested in having fans. When he defines what kind of relationship he wants, “Enthusiastic Admirer” isn’t an option. My concern is that many of our churches in America have gone from being sanctuaries to becoming stadiums. And every week all the fans come to the stadium where they cheer for Jesus but have no interest in truly following him. The biggest threat to the church today is fans who call themselves Christians but aren’t actually interested in following Christ. They want to be close enough to Jesus to get all the benefits, but not so close that it requires anything from them."
Showing posts with label the follower. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the follower. Show all posts
Friday, May 20, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
day one
Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.
But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.
Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand
I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.
It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.
I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.
The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.
Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.
"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:31, 35-39
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
grown-up
I play pretend. Sometimes I pretend that I'm unaffected by criticism, but inside I'm dwelling on every single word that person said. And they might not even mean it as criticism, just a casual comment about my grades or my goals or anything really... I keep it inside and try to fit the mold of what that person wants me to be. But outside I pretend that it doesn't phase me. Or I pretend I don't hear when people say hateful things to other people, or don't notice when the people that are being victimized get that lonely, distant look in their eyes that says they've given up. I don't have to experience that feeling very often BUT I do know what it feels like to be lonely and I hate hate hate it. And that's exactly what harmful words do, they make us feel lonely and unwanted and it's cruel, but it's hard to be the only one standing up while everyone else is sitting down, so sometimes I just pretend I don't notice. I pretend that I didn't hear them use God to describe a stubbed toe or something "***-awful", because God isn't awful at all and how could anything be described that way? But that isn't a popular opinion, so I pretend I didn't hear. I pretend my "friend" isn't laughing at another girl's clothes or who she asked to prom, and how she got turned down. I smile and say to myself you didn't hear that, Shauna, just try to change the subject. Which doesn't help the situation at all but the prospect of losing the support of that "friend" is scary, so I pretend that I didn't hear what she was saying. I pretend that I'm a wonderful student because I make good grades but when I get home I don't prepare as well as I could, and usually on tests I just get lucky because I'm good at problem-solving and process of elimination. I pretend that I make better than other people because I work for it but really I work just hard enough to stay comfortably the same. Pretty high A's, a low one in A.P. History because it's just "not my forte". That suffices as satisfactory, right? I pretend that it's the best I can do but I'm lying.
These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.
This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.
My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.
I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.
One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.
I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.
Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.
When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.
I want to be grown-up so bad.
But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.
These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.
This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.
My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.
I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.
One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.
I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.
Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.
When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.
I want to be grown-up so bad.
But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
chameleon
Everything about this week has been beautiful. And today was the perfect example, because everything about it was just absolutely perfect and I smiled a lot and worried a lot less. God is providing for me and I can't thank Him enough.
I don't have enough thoughts for a very long post, but today I went shopping for little boy's underwear and nascar and spent over an hour in Subway listening to Chuck Norris jokes and interrupting stories obnoxiously just because. It was the most fun I've had in a very long time.
This will probably consist of a series of random thoughts considering I don't have the brain power nor the motivation to expand upon each of these topics. Maybe at a later date.
I realized today how easy and hard it is to break the mold of your daily routine. One single step changes your entire day. It puts you around different people, in a different environment. A better one. And I know it will get easier and easier to make that first step towards a better environment for myself. I'm very proud.
I strongly believe in the natural tendency of humans to follow instead of lead. It's true for teenagers just as it is true for adults as well. It's much easier to conform to the environment that you are in, like a chameleon, rather than define your personality and moral values and stay true to yourself at all costs. A leader. Different. I believe this is an abnormal perspective but that is alright with me because the idea of abnormal ideas sort of attracts me. But being one person is actually much harder than being whoever you need to be depending on the situation. For instance, a teenager put into a room with 5 year olds will (hopefully) not be compelled to formulate sentences with the f bomb being used to describe things that don't even make sense. However, that same teenager put into a crowd of people that constantly use profanity such as that will be compelled to do so, to conform, to feel like they belong. I believe this comes from the desire to follow the "majority" rather than having only one person to follow, at all costs, at all times, never wavering. For me that person should be Christ. I say should be, because I'm human and although I am never compelled to use profanity because I find it completely useless, I do find it very easy to become a gossiper when surrounded by gossipers. To become a cheater when everyone else is doing it. To laugh at dirty jokes when I'm surrounded by laughing people. To become pessimistic when all I hear are pessimistic comments. A complainer. A condescender. A judger. A boaster. If I really want to be consistent, I cannot be a follower of man, because man is unstable. He is a chameleon, ever changing to fit the mold of the majority. There is only one Rock, the solid foundation that is unwavering and never changing. If I want to be consistent, the only one I can truly count on is Christ. If I'm always looking to be Christ-like instead of a crowd pleaser, then I will be better equiped to withstand temptation when I happen to be in an unChristlike environment. Unfortunately, I cannot always do so, so the best thing in my opinion is to not associate myself with groups of people that tempt me to do wrong. But this requires work, being abnormal, being different. Breaking away from the majority and seeking a minority group of friends that will help me stay pure. It isn't gonna be easy. But it's right, and I'm excited to see what happens.
That random thought lasted much longer than I had originally expected.
Tonight I drank hot tea because I thought I would have to pull an all-nighter to not kill my history grade on a test tomorrow.
However the test has been postponed, yet another way I have been blessed with the most amazing day that keeps getting better!
I feel bad because earlier when I was at the gospel meeting, I was thinking about how badly I needed to study and how busy my day had been and how worried I was. That was a very wrong mindset to have.
And now look what happened. I didn't have a single thing to worry over. I should have been paying closer attention and not worrying about things of tomorrow. It's like God's providence telling me that my worrying is of no benefit to me. I strongly believe in the providencial power of God. He works in so many ways I will never understand.
I'm reading a book entitled The Beach House by Mary Alice Monroe. It's required for school which means I should hate it but I completely don't. Long novels take such a long time but I know when I finally get to the end I'm going to fall in love with every page over again. It's about a girl who moves away from her Southern family as soon as she turns 18, leaving her fragile mother and intractable brother with her abusive father who, on her way out the door, promises that he will not care for her a bit if she chooses to leave. She does, and one day she comes back home. Old, unmarried, unemployed, back from Chicago to visit her mother who is inconspicuously dying before her eyes. It reminds me of The Last Song except they didn't make a corny movie with Miley Cyrus. Although the boy was pretty, I must admit.
I have no idea why I just summarized the first 120 pages of that book but at any rate I just like it a lot. I have a week to read the other 300 pages so I should probably get on the ball.
Back up 2 paragraphs because I should end with that... God is so so good. And sometimes I don't realize how truly great God is, until out of darkness there comes something beautiful. Out of a horrible situation there is a light at the end, a way of escape. I'm so blessed.
I don't have enough thoughts for a very long post, but today I went shopping for little boy's underwear and nascar and spent over an hour in Subway listening to Chuck Norris jokes and interrupting stories obnoxiously just because. It was the most fun I've had in a very long time.
This will probably consist of a series of random thoughts considering I don't have the brain power nor the motivation to expand upon each of these topics. Maybe at a later date.
I realized today how easy and hard it is to break the mold of your daily routine. One single step changes your entire day. It puts you around different people, in a different environment. A better one. And I know it will get easier and easier to make that first step towards a better environment for myself. I'm very proud.
I strongly believe in the natural tendency of humans to follow instead of lead. It's true for teenagers just as it is true for adults as well. It's much easier to conform to the environment that you are in, like a chameleon, rather than define your personality and moral values and stay true to yourself at all costs. A leader. Different. I believe this is an abnormal perspective but that is alright with me because the idea of abnormal ideas sort of attracts me. But being one person is actually much harder than being whoever you need to be depending on the situation. For instance, a teenager put into a room with 5 year olds will (hopefully) not be compelled to formulate sentences with the f bomb being used to describe things that don't even make sense. However, that same teenager put into a crowd of people that constantly use profanity such as that will be compelled to do so, to conform, to feel like they belong. I believe this comes from the desire to follow the "majority" rather than having only one person to follow, at all costs, at all times, never wavering. For me that person should be Christ. I say should be, because I'm human and although I am never compelled to use profanity because I find it completely useless, I do find it very easy to become a gossiper when surrounded by gossipers. To become a cheater when everyone else is doing it. To laugh at dirty jokes when I'm surrounded by laughing people. To become pessimistic when all I hear are pessimistic comments. A complainer. A condescender. A judger. A boaster. If I really want to be consistent, I cannot be a follower of man, because man is unstable. He is a chameleon, ever changing to fit the mold of the majority. There is only one Rock, the solid foundation that is unwavering and never changing. If I want to be consistent, the only one I can truly count on is Christ. If I'm always looking to be Christ-like instead of a crowd pleaser, then I will be better equiped to withstand temptation when I happen to be in an unChristlike environment. Unfortunately, I cannot always do so, so the best thing in my opinion is to not associate myself with groups of people that tempt me to do wrong. But this requires work, being abnormal, being different. Breaking away from the majority and seeking a minority group of friends that will help me stay pure. It isn't gonna be easy. But it's right, and I'm excited to see what happens.
That random thought lasted much longer than I had originally expected.
Tonight I drank hot tea because I thought I would have to pull an all-nighter to not kill my history grade on a test tomorrow.
However the test has been postponed, yet another way I have been blessed with the most amazing day that keeps getting better!
I feel bad because earlier when I was at the gospel meeting, I was thinking about how badly I needed to study and how busy my day had been and how worried I was. That was a very wrong mindset to have.
And now look what happened. I didn't have a single thing to worry over. I should have been paying closer attention and not worrying about things of tomorrow. It's like God's providence telling me that my worrying is of no benefit to me. I strongly believe in the providencial power of God. He works in so many ways I will never understand.
I'm reading a book entitled The Beach House by Mary Alice Monroe. It's required for school which means I should hate it but I completely don't. Long novels take such a long time but I know when I finally get to the end I'm going to fall in love with every page over again. It's about a girl who moves away from her Southern family as soon as she turns 18, leaving her fragile mother and intractable brother with her abusive father who, on her way out the door, promises that he will not care for her a bit if she chooses to leave. She does, and one day she comes back home. Old, unmarried, unemployed, back from Chicago to visit her mother who is inconspicuously dying before her eyes. It reminds me of The Last Song except they didn't make a corny movie with Miley Cyrus. Although the boy was pretty, I must admit.
I have no idea why I just summarized the first 120 pages of that book but at any rate I just like it a lot. I have a week to read the other 300 pages so I should probably get on the ball.
Back up 2 paragraphs because I should end with that... God is so so good. And sometimes I don't realize how truly great God is, until out of darkness there comes something beautiful. Out of a horrible situation there is a light at the end, a way of escape. I'm so blessed.
Monday, September 6, 2010
perfect Shauna
I'm really not a very good person. Most of the time I think I just lie to myself so I don't have to truly face facts.
[1] I'm incredibly blessed to have a close group of friends to protect me from feeling lonely. This summer at Horizons I didn't have Hannah with me to make me feel safe, so I had to meet all new people which isn't truly hard for me because I like to think that I'm usually pretty friendly with new people. But I also experienced what it's like to sit alone, eat alone, walk alone, go hours without having a true conversation with someone about how you are feeling. I felt what it's like to be in a horrible mood and no one notice. I found out what it was like to be in a large crowd of people and no one realize that you want to cry. And I don't say this to make anyone who went to Horizons feel bad, because I met some wonderful people who were so nice and such an encouragement to me. I'm just saying that sometimes I didn't feel like I quite fit in anywhere. And even after that experience which should have truly changed my life like it did so many people, I can still sit at lunch with my group of friends surrounding me and closing me off from the rest of the world, and let kids who are probably not bad people and probably have a lot of interesting things to say, sit alone. They haven't done anything wrong, if they've ever said a word to me it was probably very kind and had a nice smile to go along with it. They are just as worthy as anyone else to have a group of friends ask them how their day is going and make them laugh. But even though I witness this every single day I still don't go sit with them. I never ask strangers how their day is going or if I can sit with them at lunch or make them feel worthwhile. I put myself on this high pedestal with my group of friends and act as if everyone else is too far below to reach. That's so horrible and I know I need to change it. I say all the time about how much I hate high school, I hate hate hate all the drama and immaturity. But really I think I just hate what high school is doing to me, or rather who I'm letting myself be turned into. I don't like her.
[2] I'm not as close to God as I could be. I want to put on a show for the world that says "Look at me, I'm a wonderful Christian" but that's an extremely dangerous thing to do while you sit idly and don't work for the Lord because then whoever is looking at you is thinking that Christianity doesn't include working, but that's so wrong. Christianity is all about working. And I haven't been. I've let myself fall into that rut of going to church and saying prayers and doing motions. But I let lonely kids be lonely. I let teenagers talk about other teenagers in the most horrible ways, and sometimes I might even pitch in. I want to think it's enough to just let bad things happen and claim to have no involvement instead of actively trying to stop bad things from happening. And so I'm not the Christian that I want to be. Which is such a scary thing, because life is so short and I don't have time to be not the right kind of person that I need to be. I want heaven more than I want life, and that's so hypocritical for me to say under the circumstances. But I know that part of being a Christian is making mistakes and OH BOY have I had enough of those. I don't think it bothers me so much that I've messed up, because I'm always going to do that, but I want to put on a pretty show for the world to make it think that I'm perfect. I'm sure I've failed miserably and I need to just stop trying and be completely honest with myself and everyone else and especially God. But God is so forgiving and even while I'm getting lost in this crazy world He still maintains control of the world. He's never shaken like I am. He's steady as a rock.
Also there are so many people that are sick and can't come to worship and I know I should be sending cards and going to visit them instead of wasting time but I just sit at home telling myself how exhausted I am and that I don't have any time to do anything. And there are people that I see every single day that used to worship God but they haven't been in a long time and I haven't said a single word about it to them. I'm letting myself get so scared of them rejecting me and forget that I need to be more worried about their soul than how much they like me.
My problem is opinions. I care too much about being a crowd pleaser and not enough about pleasing God, because that's really the only opinion that matters but I don't realize that.
That's all for now, sorry for my rambling.
[1] I'm incredibly blessed to have a close group of friends to protect me from feeling lonely. This summer at Horizons I didn't have Hannah with me to make me feel safe, so I had to meet all new people which isn't truly hard for me because I like to think that I'm usually pretty friendly with new people. But I also experienced what it's like to sit alone, eat alone, walk alone, go hours without having a true conversation with someone about how you are feeling. I felt what it's like to be in a horrible mood and no one notice. I found out what it was like to be in a large crowd of people and no one realize that you want to cry. And I don't say this to make anyone who went to Horizons feel bad, because I met some wonderful people who were so nice and such an encouragement to me. I'm just saying that sometimes I didn't feel like I quite fit in anywhere. And even after that experience which should have truly changed my life like it did so many people, I can still sit at lunch with my group of friends surrounding me and closing me off from the rest of the world, and let kids who are probably not bad people and probably have a lot of interesting things to say, sit alone. They haven't done anything wrong, if they've ever said a word to me it was probably very kind and had a nice smile to go along with it. They are just as worthy as anyone else to have a group of friends ask them how their day is going and make them laugh. But even though I witness this every single day I still don't go sit with them. I never ask strangers how their day is going or if I can sit with them at lunch or make them feel worthwhile. I put myself on this high pedestal with my group of friends and act as if everyone else is too far below to reach. That's so horrible and I know I need to change it. I say all the time about how much I hate high school, I hate hate hate all the drama and immaturity. But really I think I just hate what high school is doing to me, or rather who I'm letting myself be turned into. I don't like her.
[2] I'm not as close to God as I could be. I want to put on a show for the world that says "Look at me, I'm a wonderful Christian" but that's an extremely dangerous thing to do while you sit idly and don't work for the Lord because then whoever is looking at you is thinking that Christianity doesn't include working, but that's so wrong. Christianity is all about working. And I haven't been. I've let myself fall into that rut of going to church and saying prayers and doing motions. But I let lonely kids be lonely. I let teenagers talk about other teenagers in the most horrible ways, and sometimes I might even pitch in. I want to think it's enough to just let bad things happen and claim to have no involvement instead of actively trying to stop bad things from happening. And so I'm not the Christian that I want to be. Which is such a scary thing, because life is so short and I don't have time to be not the right kind of person that I need to be. I want heaven more than I want life, and that's so hypocritical for me to say under the circumstances. But I know that part of being a Christian is making mistakes and OH BOY have I had enough of those. I don't think it bothers me so much that I've messed up, because I'm always going to do that, but I want to put on a pretty show for the world to make it think that I'm perfect. I'm sure I've failed miserably and I need to just stop trying and be completely honest with myself and everyone else and especially God. But God is so forgiving and even while I'm getting lost in this crazy world He still maintains control of the world. He's never shaken like I am. He's steady as a rock.
Also there are so many people that are sick and can't come to worship and I know I should be sending cards and going to visit them instead of wasting time but I just sit at home telling myself how exhausted I am and that I don't have any time to do anything. And there are people that I see every single day that used to worship God but they haven't been in a long time and I haven't said a single word about it to them. I'm letting myself get so scared of them rejecting me and forget that I need to be more worried about their soul than how much they like me.
My problem is opinions. I care too much about being a crowd pleaser and not enough about pleasing God, because that's really the only opinion that matters but I don't realize that.
That's all for now, sorry for my rambling.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
follower
I'm not entirely sure what makes a person truly qualified to have a blog. I've been reading a few, and those people are the truly unique, sometimes bazaar. But they act like being bazaar is the only way to be, and so it works. They're the people you can't imitate because you feel like to take their originality would be a sin. If I could have customized my personality, I would have checked the box that said "originality." I know those who are truly wise will continue to preach to the young that "you can be whoever you want to be", but I'm starting to think that isn't the case. It doesn't matter how much I try to make every word I type sound like I'm a true gift to humanity and everyone should hang upon my every word and opinion, sometimes people just aren't gonna want to read everything you're thinking. And so I've decided that if I indeed decide to publish this, it will be as an escape for myself to put down all those weird thoughts I've had on reserve, and not to try to impress anyone with my eloquence or whatever.
Now I'm gonna even gonna try to lie, I've been trying to convince people for 16+ years that ohhhhhh I'm sooooo unique and different from anyone else you've ever met, but it's totally not true. I'm probably a whole lot like a lot of people you know. But that's okay to me, because if I can pick out the best traits in other people, maybe I can adopt some of those super good traits and make up a somewhat good personality. I've got some traits that I truly despise. Like stressing, and imitation, and sometimes a touch of jealousy. But they came with the whole Shauna Blake Baker package, and I've recently discovered that you can't just get rid of your bad traits forever. They're part of you. You have to learn how to manage them. Such as keeping a schedule of every single thing I want to do during the day, week, month, to manage my stress. Yep, that makes me a nerd, and I like that. I even have a calendar in my favorite color. I'm not sure what it's called, but it's some shade of blue. Kind of tealish I think.
So this post is beginning to sound a whole lot like a "Dear Diary" entry, so I decided that just for reminiscing purposes I should pull out the old diaries. I'm looking at one now that is pink velvet and bedazzled on the outside, with BRATZ written huge at the top of every page and four girls at the bottom dressed for a slumber party. Listen to this.
August 9th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Today was the day Daddy went for a checkup in Birmingham. Then, we went to Chuckie Cheese's. We went to eat at Ol'Charley's. I got a kids steak & fries. It was really good. We got a 5 layer cake which was DELICIOUS! We watched Indiana Jones AGAIN! It was really scary.
(Here I have drawn a picture of two hands, with the right hand circled + 2 fingers + morrow. I'm assuming that is supposed to read "write tomorrow.")
Love, Shauna Baker
August 10th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Today we went to meet my teacher for 5th grade. She was nice. But she didn't greet me like a kid. She held a meeting for us & the parents to lay down the law & everything. We only have recess ONCE a week. But it last for an hour. Jessica has Mrs. Abernathy. She was Haley's teacher in 1st. Oh, by the way, Daddy was in Mrs. Sharp's class in school. She said he was smart. Period. I thought she'd go into detail.
Love, Shauna Baker
January 30th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Yesterday night the most important thing in my lifetime happened. I was baptized into Christ on January 29th, 2005! It was really cold! It was Saturday at about 9:30. They didn't have time to heat up the water! Chris baptized me. It was his second time to baptize someone I think. He baptized Gabe, too. I partook of the Lord's Supper for my first time this morning. Everyone was very proud of me. I am 11 years old
Sincerely, The New Me
May 1st, 2005
Today was church day. I was going to hear Chris preach, but my parents got confused and I couldn't go. I invited Kristin to come over today & ride 4-wheelers. Hannah had a thing yesterday for her band. She sang a duet! She was super. After we went to Subway to eat. We had a lot of fun. Hannah is my absolute BEST BEST FRIEND!
Talk 2-Ya Later, Shauna Baker
Surprisingly, I haven't changed very much in the past 5 years. I still think Indiana Jones movies are scary, I'm mad that we don't get recess anymore, I'm proud to be a christian, and Hannah Elizabeth Cooper is my best best friend.
August 9th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Today was the day Daddy went for a checkup in Birmingham. Then, we went to Chuckie Cheese's. We went to eat at Ol'Charley's. I got a kids steak & fries. It was really good. We got a 5 layer cake which was DELICIOUS! We watched Indiana Jones AGAIN! It was really scary.
(Here I have drawn a picture of two hands, with the right hand circled + 2 fingers + morrow. I'm assuming that is supposed to read "write tomorrow.")
Love, Shauna Baker
August 10th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Today we went to meet my teacher for 5th grade. She was nice. But she didn't greet me like a kid. She held a meeting for us & the parents to lay down the law & everything. We only have recess ONCE a week. But it last for an hour. Jessica has Mrs. Abernathy. She was Haley's teacher in 1st. Oh, by the way, Daddy was in Mrs. Sharp's class in school. She said he was smart. Period. I thought she'd go into detail.
Love, Shauna Baker
January 30th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Yesterday night the most important thing in my lifetime happened. I was baptized into Christ on January 29th, 2005! It was really cold! It was Saturday at about 9:30. They didn't have time to heat up the water! Chris baptized me. It was his second time to baptize someone I think. He baptized Gabe, too. I partook of the Lord's Supper for my first time this morning. Everyone was very proud of me. I am 11 years old
Sincerely, The New Me
May 1st, 2005
Today was church day. I was going to hear Chris preach, but my parents got confused and I couldn't go. I invited Kristin to come over today & ride 4-wheelers. Hannah had a thing yesterday for her band. She sang a duet! She was super. After we went to Subway to eat. We had a lot of fun. Hannah is my absolute BEST BEST FRIEND!
Talk 2-Ya Later, Shauna Baker
Surprisingly, I haven't changed very much in the past 5 years. I still think Indiana Jones movies are scary, I'm mad that we don't get recess anymore, I'm proud to be a christian, and Hannah Elizabeth Cooper is my best best friend.
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