drifting

people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.

my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before

but maybe i'm drifting, too

gullible

i'm really gullible. i wish i wasn't like that. it hurts sometimes.

today i went shopping with the beautiful melissa clevenger and it's the most fun i've had in a very long time.

i would expand on both these topics if i had more time

my summer projects:

1. paint

2. read books

3. make friends

4. don't be gullible

5. become more philosophical

6. understand poetry better than i do right now

7. fall deeper in love with my family

8. fall deeper in love with God

9. collect my grandfather's stories

10. learn to do something i don't know how to do right now

oh yeah, and blog less.

things i can't stand

lots of people don't like me. sadly, i realize that i've been extremely naive and didn't actually realize this until... well, this year. more so the past few months. and now it's like i can spot it everywhere, people that really don't like me. i can't say i don't mind, because i've always really enjoyed feeling liked, or at least passively acknowledged, but to be disliked is an entire new concept and i don't think i like it. i guess i always knew that i would be closer to some people than others, and would relate more to a certain crowd than to others. but disliked means that some people aren't happy around me. some people would rather me be silent than speak. some people wish i would just go away. honestly, i'm really not bothered when there is no reason at all for them not to like me. when they just pull harsh feelings out of thin air. but it hurts deeper when they have a basis. perhaps they stretch it a bit, and dramatize my faults and my transgressions... they take a mistake i've made and hold it over my head forever and ever.

worse than being disliked is to be invisible. to be forgotten by someone who used to treasure your friendship like a special gift. to feel like your body is made of glass and all they ever do now is look straight through to the other side of you, without a second thought to who they've overlooked. no matter how loved i feel by people in my life, i still find myself missing that feeling of love that has been replaced with apathy.

i don't like to be forgotten. that's probably my least favorite feeling. and the one that is the most difficult to reverse.

because of all things that you might be able to make people do, you can't make them care.

maybe summer will be a relief from those things i cannot escape. high school exhausts me.

"i am who i choose to be"

sometimes i think about things that i'm not supposed to. like a dream in the night reminds me that something was here and now it's not. someone was here, and now that someone is somewhere that i don't know nor have the right to know. and it's scary. because the someone somewhere is still reminding me that i want them here, but i can't have them here. i'm not supposed to even think of them anymore but the more i try, the fall gets harder every time. i can't be apathetic. i can't not feel the way that my heart is screaming. it's impossible. it's part of me and undeniably true. i'm not sure where emotions are supposed to draw a line when you're only seventeen. i have a life to live. i don't think i'm supposed to be this restrained by something that feels like love but can't be, because love is perfect and undying and unfailing and constant and true and this doesn't feel like any of those things.

the tooth is gone and the more i try to pretend everything is perfect, my tongue keeps creeping back to that familiar place, where there's now a gaping hole that makes me feel incomplete and a little bit ugly.

i was driving, and my head hurts and all the lights are blinding as the cars pass on the highway and i want to scream at them to stop making it hurt so much. and i think about what i miss and the song that describes my feelings so perfectly, and i think about that song and dissect every lyric and know that it's exactly how i feel. and then, interrupting those thoughts, that very song is selected by random of 300 on my ipod and begins to play and is suffocating in my little car. the song that says "i miss everything about you..." and i park and lean my head back and close my eyes and i can't cry. but i sing the song that says i miss everything about you, even after everything we've been through. i sing and then i go inside and order chinese take-out and take it home to eat while i watch closer, and i lay in bed that night and know that nothing has changed, and i'm afraid that it never will.

missing teeth

people are like teeth in your mouth. the more you love them, the deeper their roots go. the more it hurts when they're taken away. when they choose to pull away from you, they leave a sore spot. and even though you know you're only hurting yourself, your tongue keeps going to that sore spot where that person used to be. a missing tooth is a gap in your smile, a piece of your happiness that's missing. it's a part of yourself that you've lost.

but eventually, i guess we all have to learn to love our smile even when we have teeth missing. it's like a battle scar, a proud reminder of what we've endured to become the people we are now. 

like everything else, it takes time to heal.

this feeling

I'm not good at pushing away sadness when I'm supposed to be happy. But thankfully very recently (yesterday) I finally learned something very important, that emotions are not sin. We can't help the way we feel, and so being angry or feeling doubt or worry or sadness is not wrong. God gave us our emotions, they are responses to our everyday lives. God doesn't judge us by how we feel but how we act upon our feeelings. Actions are what makes the difference. So I can feel sad and it's okay, but I need to try to take actions that are best for me and those around me. Which is to be encouraging and optimistic and try to not bring everyone else down with my poopy mood.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.

my favorite

My new favorite thing to listen to: http://stereomood.com/mood/calm. It's a playlist of calming music. Right now I'm listening to a piano piece and I feel like such a loser because I'm like tearing up. It's so beautiful. I think my two favorite instruments to listen to are solo piano pieces, and acoustic guitar. Both are just so calming and pure and true. I know why I love music, and it's all about emotion. Music expresses emotions that transcend words... That's so cliche but I believe it with my whole heart. I could spend my entire life dedicated to making music (aside from being a Christian of course) and be completely content. But I don't ever want my career to be just that because then it isn't just a passion anymore, it's my job and it becomes monotonous and a daily task instead of just an impulsive reaction to daily things, like when I have a bad day and so I decide to sit down and play guitar and suddenly everything feels so much lighter and I can breathe again. I'm afraid if I ever pursue music as a career I will forget to use music as an escape too, because then I won't be escaping from anything because I do it all day every day anyway... That might not make sense but this is mostly for me and I know what I'm talking about. I know I have to marry somebody who loves music just as much as I do because I'm so passionate about it that to someone that isn't passionate about it I'm sure it would be extremely annoying to live with. Even the most agreeable husband in the world (which is by the way another trait that is definitely on the checklist for my future husband, since I'm potentially annoying sometimes) is gonna tell me to shut up singing eventually if he doesn't love music like I do. A regular person wouldn't want to hear me singing all day every day for the rest of their lives but a music lover wouldn't mind, hopefully. If he does then I guess I'll just have to pick between either my music or him, and I'm sure he wouldn't like how that decision is going to turn out because music wins even if he's the most gorgeous creature in the universe. 
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.

eleven

days to look forward to/days I hope will occur in 2011

1. the day I'm legal and the world takes me seriously

2. the day that I go back to Indian Creek Youth Camp

3. the day that Project 7 Days gets 1 million signatures and creationism is brought back into our schools (might take over a year but I'm excited nonetheless)

4. the day I meet my somebody who is gonna actually love me and treat me like somebody and make me see my true worth

5. the day I get accepted into Freed-Hardeman with a solid foundation (a good scholarship)

6. the day Jason Reeves releases his "Lovesick" album

7. the day I finally read House Rules by Jodi Picoult

8. the day I become a SENIOR

9. the day that I can eat anything and not get fat (not gonna happen)

10. the day that I feel I've changed a child's life

11. the day that I'm at Exposure 2011 singing praise to God and I realize that the past year has not been a waste, but that I'm stronger in Christ and I've been beneficial to His kingdom in the past year.

people that changed me in 2010

1. paige jelks

2. every soul who sang on that night of worship (december 29th) and encouraged me to "be mine no more" and give my life back to God

3. hannah elizabeth cooper

4. my mother, father, sister

5. the apostle peter (made me realize that I can make mistakes and still be a precious child of God)

6. highway 9 church of Christ, and the jacksonville church of Christ youth group

7. mary butterworth and kathryn clark

8. jessica mccord

9. kristin clevenger

10. anyone who made a stand for the faith while I was silent, and taught me to be unashamed

11. the ones who get left out, the outcasts who sit at lunch alone, those that have learned how to be unliked and are not afraid to be unpopular, those who are secure in their abnormalities compared with worldliness and are proud to be different,  those who are braver than me to be who they are and try to please no one but God almighty even if the whole world is against them.

things I wish I could take back from 2010

1. not going to 5th session backwoods

2. being in the Bible less than I should

3. being a wimp when it comes to standing up for the faith

4. getting off my diet

5. falling in love

6. stressing over small things

7. missing out on the little moments

8. gossip

9. not finishing books I started

10. missing RUSH at freed-hardeman

11. complaints

things I did right in 2010

1. wrote my sister a song

2. left bad friends for better ones

3. made my life right with God before it was too late

4. painted my walls blue and traded my humongous bed for a futon

5. bought my guitar

6. told hannah everything

7. remained a friend to someone even though it caused heartache

8. wrote my first blog

9. fell in love... yes, that's a contradiction

10. let my mom be my example

11. tried out for drum major

things I will try to do in 2011

1. keep on doing the things I did right in 2010

2. be healthy and active, but happy with myself when I'm lazy too

3. measure success by my insides and not my outsides

4. conquer my addiction with constant socialization and be happy with just me and my Bible sometimes

5. don't sweat the small stuff

6. don't complain/be more content

7. keep a smile on even when it's hard

8. lean on God

9. love without restraint or boundaries

10. have patience

11. practice to become better at everything I do, but don't stress if I'm not the best at it

songs that describe 2010 for me

1. someone somewhere, jason reeves 

2. miserably loving you, artist vs. poet 

3. god gave me you, dave barnes

4. i want to hold your hand, beatles

5. let's just fall in love again, jason castro

6. beautiful disaster, jon mclaughlin

7. if this was a movie, taylor swift

8. haven't met you yet, michael buble'

9. if you're gone, matchbox 20

10. your love is a song, switchfoot

11. something beautiful, needtobreathe

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

and I won't let a second of it go to waste.

parrot mountain

One day, I will be married on those stone stairs.

My family and I took our biannual trip to Gatlinburg this past weekend. That picture was taken at Parrot Mountain in Pigeon Forge. It is the most beautiful place I believe I have ever been.

I give up. I've been giving people the benefit of the doubt for a very long time, and it's time that I start facing reality and doing what's best for me. And that's to just forget, and be happy.

Today I'm very thankful for dates with Hannah, optimistic people, my cat who is still kicking after 15 years, music, ability, good books, my family, my freedom to be silly when I want to, people that love me even after they've learned everything about me (like my perfectionism and jealousy and unintentional yet periodical snobbiness), football, texting, parrot mountain, things that smell good, my guitar, showtunes, blogging, splenda.

I don't know why the thought ever crosses my mind that I would like to be someone else, because I have the most wonderful life ever. I hope I don't waste any more time wishing I could fix things that are out of my control. 

hello, goodbye

I take everything to heart. It honestly tears me apart when someone shuts me out of their life. And it's even worse when it's someone very important to me. AND it makes it even worse that at one time, I felt that I was very important to them.

I'm trying to think of all those sweet little quotes that people broadcast on their statuses, the ones they used to paste onto their myspaces back in the day, in big bold letters stating that if someone lets you go they were never yours to begin with and a true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out...

It always made perfect sense.
Until it became too real, too quickly.

I don't see what's so hard about replying to a text message.
Being one of the 200 people to say happy birthday. It takes 5 seconds.
Ask how I'm doing. Or just say hey. You could stop after just that.
You could even get someone else to ask for you. I don't care.
Just acknowledge my existence in a somewhat positive way.

I feel like such a pathetic loser.
I only have two venting methods, and that's blogging and Hannah. But Hannah's busy, so that means that this is the only way to let it out.
Silly, I know.
Since blogging is totally public and everyone in the universe could read this.
But maybe that's also part of the reason that I do...

I hope Hannah becomes unbusy soon before I say something I shouldn't.
I just hope one day I can learn to trust the people I should, and lean only on them and not on those that will continually let me down.
I seem to have a problem with that.

dream

last night i had a dream and i really wish i wouldn't have.

but it was a good dream.

it felt SO REAL.

i woke up smiling and content.

and then saw the hotel room and the bright desk clock flashing 4 A.M.

i stopped smiling.

and so once again, i have come to the realization that the people that i wish to see, the moments i would love to relive over and over...

... they are the ones that hurt me the most.

i should be happy enough with the people that have stuck with me through it all.

and not base my happiness upon one who hasn't.

making polite conversation

Why do I spend more time obsessing over how this page looks rather than the actual words?
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.