to breathe

i need fresh air and long expanses of nothingness. to think about nothing and feel obligated to be nothing and do nothing. i need to feel unrestrained and not judged. i need freedom. i need less drama. i need more dreaming and bliss and less worrying. i need to feel comfortable. i need to not feel tied down. i need to not feel completely responsible for another person's happiness. i need to not feel dependent on one single person for happiness unless that person is God. i need more space. i need to not feel vulnerable. i need to remember how to be happy and optimistic and smiley

i want to be best friends with my nannie

i want to go all the way around the world because i can

i want to see Jesus

i want to be a good Samaritan

i want to laugh embarrassingly loud

i want to tell a complete stranger that Jesus loves them

i want to be the girl that people are proud of

i want to exercise the right to smile


... this is right. i'm already breathing easier

mobile, myrtle beach, parrot mountain, gatlinburg... i want to run away to you. i breathe better with you.

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

space

sometimes, i need space.

i'm not good at telling people when that happens.

because me being a good person means listening when i just want to go lock myself in a room and read a book. i like books more than people sometimes. most of the time i'm very sociable but sometimes it's just too much. especially when it feels like people choose topics that are the ultimate level of awkward for me. and it's like they know it makes me feel awkward and that makes them push the envelope even farther to see how much i'll take. it's some sick game they play.

i don't like to be followed around. to feel like i'm being studied and called out upon every mistake. or embarrassed for no other reason than to watch me blush. it's ridiculous and immature.

i have a problem with maturity. i don't enjoy being around people that aren't mature. i really don't have much tolerance for that. i'm sorry, i can't lie. it's a huge annoyance. because i just want to scream at them to grow up but that would be quite rude and maybe they can't help it, but i can't help thinking that maybe they can help it but they choose to act the way they do simply to be annoying and make me mad and uncomfortable. i like conversation about ideas and heaven and books and i find it hard to converse with someone who is a) obsessed with perversity b) likes to gossip about people c) wants to attack my relationship and point out any minute detail of how it might go wrong or who they "thought" i was dating, pretending like tyler's not even there sitting right beside me d) only talks about themselves. maybe they don't realize it. but i think most people do. and they enjoy it.

but i'm gonna be nice anyway, cause that's the right thing to do. but i'm also taking advantage of "me" time much more frequently when i'm annoyed so don't take offense if i get up from our conversation and lock myself in a room so i can read.

i live my life in a constant state of trying to stay in good graces with as many people as possible. which i guess is good, because Jesus said to try to live peaceably with all men, and I do. but i really don't think that letting people run all over me is what he had in mind. i'm so tired of making decisions on what i say and how i act simply based upon not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. it's exhausting.

i just don't like to be pestered by people that can clearly see they are pestering me, and look as if they quite enjoy it

bible class a few weeks ago:

jackson: do you have a boyfriend?

me: no, jackson, not at the moment.

jackson: are you sure? what about tyler? *smiles*

me: *laugh* no, tyler and i are just friends.

jackson: but why?

me: well... it's just that we're best friends, that's all. it's hard to explain.

jackson: oh...

me: you like tyler a lot, don't you?

jackson: yeah... *smiles* are you suuuure he's not your boyfriend?

me: positive.

jackson: well, you need to get a boyfriend.

i know where i'm going for advice from here on out

:)

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

i learned

if anyone ever tells you to stop trying
if anyone ever says that you should put your feelings on hold to keep things simple and safe
if anyone ever tries to convince you that you should try to make everyone else happy but yourself
if anyone says you're crazy
if anyone says it'll never work
if anyone tries to tell you how you should feel
if anyone tries to make a decision for you

say thank you
and then, let it go out the other ear

we cannot live in fear of future while neglecting to live our present


beautiful things are waiting to be seen if we'll only trust ourselves enough to let them happen

one day

i'll be brave enough to feel the way my heart is screaming

even when i'm scared

because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved

mayday

i am terrified of

1. divorce
2. inadequacy
3. mistakes that can't be fixed
4. intruders
5. disappointing the people i love
6. being deceived
7. being fallen-out-of-love with
8. marrying the wrong person
9. losing faith
10. missing my chance

i'm very sad today. i haven't seen tyler all day long and now i don't think i will get to and i didn't realize how very pathetically and completely i rely on him to cheer me up during the day. it's really sad. when i haven't seen him in a long time it feels like loneliness is eating up my insides.

i almost went crazy today. nobody was at school and everyone wanted to know why in the world i was there and why i wasn't out decorating for prom.

who in the world ever said it was a crime to not go to prom? honestly, it's outright ridiculous everything i've been through today. I had a teacher call me to the side and tell me that I showed poor leadership skills by not going to prom, and that as a prominent leader of my class it is my obligation to attend prom and all such functions.
apparently, "being a leader" now entails following what's popular and what everyone else is doing instead of listening to your heart, and not being afraid to step out in your own direction.
that's just a tad bit ironic to me.

i'm frustrated and i need a hug and i miss everyone so much.
i'm sorry for being a downer.