scattered

I'm afraid of this stranger.
I don't know what in the world possessed me to be so brave yesterday but now I'm back to being scared Shauna again...
I planted the Word in his heart, so is that enough?
Do I need to continue to try and feed that initial conversation about God, only to put myself at risk?
The answer would be a no.
N-O.
I'm not gonna be that girl that trusts the wrong person and ends up being hurt.
No thank you.
I'll stick to my friends that I have met in person and I actually trust to be what they say they are.
Sure, you say that you're a teenager, but how should I know?
I'm sure old creepers can learn teenager language. It isn't hard.
And you could have easily enough learned about one of my ex-boyfriends and used him as an excuse.
Which is crazy in itself because I don't think that person would ever give my number away like that.
That's a ludicrous idea.
So no, mister stranger, I will not continue to converse with you.
Even though you said I can call you "Red".
Somehow that is not very comforting.
I can picture a creeper being called "Red."
Why not use your real name? Is it because a nickname isn't as easily checked out?
Is this supposed to make you seem somehow more relatable, because I don't call you by your real name?
No thanks, I'll pass. If you want to meet me you can meet me the real way.

In other news I have a major huge A.P. History test tomorrow that will be worth over 200 points and a list of terms the size of gigantor but somehow I still feel the need to take a blogging break.
This could be an indication of poor prioritizing skills.
I also had a long chat with Hannah but that was necessary because I had to get her advice on this whole stranger situation. She told me that I should be more careful. She always makes so much more sense than I do.
And I know that I'm stressing about this test. I will be stressing about this test even if I stay up all night staring at the terms. I'M A STRESSER. Yes, me. Badly. If I ever had to be sent to therapy that would be my prime reason.
But I'm also a bad person to cope with stress, because I don't do it by studying. Actually I was doing very well until stranger texted me and sent me into a freak-out meltdown and I had to talk to Hannah. Then I knew I should blog to confirm that I was serious about not texting back. When I type it, it's permanent. I can't go back when the words are staring me in the face. Otherwise it was just a decision on instinct and I can go back on my word. But not when I blog it. That's for real.

I have an addiction with caffeine. I don't know if that's what you would call it, because I don't necessarily need caffeine, because it has no effect on me anymore. I've had 6 cups of coffee in the past 2 hours but I still manage to fall asleep while studying A.P. History. I think that's a sign that a) drinking 6 cups of coffee is a much too regular occurrence and b) my mental capacity is not one to easily grasp history. It's not that I don't like history, I just find it hard to retain the information that I read and make application of it. If I can't apply it to NOW then I find it hard to remember facts and dates and people. They seem so unimportant when compared to things that are happening right here and now. But I need to study.

I find myself to be very easily distracted...

I really love rainy days. They are normally most enjoyed when I can enjoy a wonderful book with a great cup of coffee in my favorite sweatpants, but sadly I only got the last 2 parts today. And I don't enjoy the coffee anymore, in fact my head and tummy are screaming at me to stop. But I still love sweatpants. I think they are cute and comfty so why not wear them all the time? Yes I do. :)
When we were in Gatlinburg I went clearance book shopping and bought 9 books for around $25 :D I will have the most epic Christmas break reading extravaganza of all time.

I just lied via blog. I really didn't text the guy back the first time. But then he said I seem like a nice person, and if I don't want to talk anymore it's okay.
I had to preserve that opinion of myself while informing him that it's just way too weird.
Hope no one has turned against me.
I'm still not caving.
I'm trying to picture a scraggly old red-headed creeper man with a big beard that wants me to keep talking to him.
Yep, that helped. You can use that mental image for yourself if you like. It helps.

I'm going to be studious now, sorry for my scattered and sometimes probably unintelligible thoughts.

religious stranger danger

Sometimes I wish I could be as straight-forward with my "friends" and frequent acquaintances about my relationship with Christ as I am with strangers.

stranger: Hey
me: Who is this? 
[Isaiah 40:31] - my signature.
stranger: I just made up this number. Lookin for someone to chat with. I love your signature :)
me: Haha uh well thanks, it's my favorite bible verse! I love being a Christian :)
stranger: Wow, Christian girls are so hard to find! I've been looking for years! I love the Lord Jesus! I've been a christian since I was 5.
me: It's a wonderful life to live. :) The only way to live, actually, that's worthwhile.
stranger: So true :) How long have you been a Christian?
me: I was baptized into Christ when I was 11 years old. :) I was lost in sin, but being clothed with Him I became a new creature. :)
stranger: Awesome :) may I question you on something?
me: Please do! I love questions. :)
stranger: You said "baptized into Christ." I do believe the Bible says baptism does not save you. It's something you do to show that you have been saved by Jesus.
me: Well, that's a very popular opinion in our society, but respectfully I don't think that's what the scriptures teach.
stranger: Oh? Please explain what you believe the bible says.
me: Well, I read in Acts 2:38 of Peter commanding them to repent and be baptized to be forgiven of sins. In 1 Peter 3:21, I read that just as water saved Noah's family, even so we are saved by water through baptism. And Galatians 3:27 says that being baptized into Christ, we put on Christ. There are several other references such as every conversion in the book of Acts included baptism, and the baptism was immediate, not after a long period of time following the person being "saved."


I don't know what happened to the guy. I guess I offended him, he didn't want to hear what I had to say. Maybe he'll come back later to ask more questions.
But basically, that was not hard at all to do.
And I don't say all this to say that I've done some great thing because I really haven't, I should be having these conversations more often. It's my duty as a Christian. I shouldn't treat these conversations like a special event.
Why can't I strike up conversations like that with the lost that I see every single day?
I hope some of them will read this and ask me questions.
I want to be a soul winner.
Not just a "Christian" who puts bible verses on her blogs and fills a pew on Sunday.
Not just a "pretty good" person.
I want someone out there to absolutely hate me because of who I am.
I want them to absolutely dread seeing me every day because they'll have to hear me talk about Jesus.
And I don't say that to say that I want to get on people's nerves with the gospel, because please understand that I don't see how anyone could not heed to it. It's the greatest gift of all, the most wonderful sound in the world.
But I don't want people that hate God to be able to not hate me. That shouldn't be possible.
But maybe I can change their mind.
That's my mission but sometimes I forget.


He came back.

stranger: Many people translate that idea in a different way. Baptism is said to be an outward way of expressing an inward change. The bible doesn't clearly state that to be saved you have to be baptized. First a person is to admit to God that they are a sinner. Believe that Jesus is God's son and he dies to save everyone. Confess your faith in Jesus as Lord. That's where baptism comes in. It's how you publicly say, I have died and have been buried with Christ, and have rose again to walk in newness of life. In other words it's how you say, hey everybody I'm a follower of Christ and I'm not ashamed of it! I don't know these references right off but I have them somewhere.
me: Then at what point are you saved? And could you give me a scripture to go with that?
stranger: I'm looking for the scripture. And as to the point when you're actually saved, that happens when you fall on your face and give it all to God. Ask him to come into your heart and be Lord of your life.
me: A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense. You've quoted some scripture and I can tell you know your Bible. :) But I've looked and I can't find the "sinner's prayer" anywhere in the Bible.
stranger: I've got all my notes and stuff in a mess, hang on I got all the scriptures right here somewhere.
me: Take your time. :)

I want to wear the name Christian on my attitude.
I want to be on fire.
Sometimes I fall into a rut and forget what it's like to truly love God.
To truly trust God, and serve Him with my whole heart.
It's so easy to forget.


I hope I can have an impact on this boy.
Maybe I won't, but I hope I at least do the best job I can.
I want to... wait, he's back.

stranger: Thanks :) I'm looking for my notebook. Why isn't anything ever where I need it?

Uhhh... so I just realized.... how does this person know I'm female?

me: Hey, can I ask you something?


Yeah, they're totally not answering. Can religious conversationalists be creepers? If an old pervert man wanted to come kidnap me would he try to convert me first?
I'm a bit worried.
Scratch that. I'm majorly freaked out.
But I guess if I die I'm dying for the cause of the Lord, so that's a good reason. 
Hey, he's back.

stranger: Oh sorry my dad called a family meeting. What can I do for you?
me: This is an odd question, but... How did you know I was a girl?
stranger: ....... :/ ...i did know that didn't I?
me: You did.


Maybe false doctrine in the religious world is kind of like stranger danger. We teach our kids to never trust someone unfamiliar to us, because they can be dangerous. Even if we think they seem nice enough, harmless enough, the results can be fatal. And if we go for the doctrine that is easiest, coolest, most widely accepted, then sure, we might have friends in this life. We might feel good. But we're putting our souls in serious jeopardy if we go by any doctrine that does not coincide with the Bible.


stranger: Huh... :/... I knew... Interesting.
me: Do you know who I am? Honestly.


I'VE CAUGHT HIM!


stranger: I'm not one to lie. Let's just say you were... Recommended by a friend.
me: Dude, I'm not gonna be mad. Just tell me.
stranger: Oh you sure? Most people would stop talking to me. But this person kinda said that you would kill them if you knew they told me about you.
me: I think I deserve to know who you and "that person" are, at this point.


Wow. Men.
I really wish we could turn this back into a religious conversation.


stranger: Umm... promise me you won't get mad? I'd feel bad if I hurt a friendship. :/
me: Yes, I promise. You aren't, I guess I should be flattered... in a weird way.
stranger: What do you mean? :/
me: Nothing, just tell me please. I'm not mad, see? :) <- smiley face.
stranger: Is there some way this person can not find out I told you this? :)
me: Sure, why not.


Dude... This is getting ridiculous.
Just tell me who you flippin' are.
Oh. My. Lanta.


stranger: Kinda a weird long story but, I met you because of your ex-boyfriend. His name is uhh... starts with a "_" sounds like "___" or something like that :/
[this message has been censored so as to save some poor soul from embarassment]
me: Yes, I did date a guy with that name. And you know me how?
stranger: I was talking to him and he gave me your number and said I should text you cause you're really nice and you can't tell him I told you cause you promised okay?
me: Lol, I promise. I find this quite humorous actually.
stranger: Really? :) How so?
me: No reason. Anyway, don't tell me who you are. Maybe one day you'll want to re-meet me in real life and at that point you probably won't want this conversation remembered. :) But let me know if you have any more religious questions! Sleep tight stranger, I love your soul. :)
stranger: Hmhmhm:) is it ok if I text you again tomorrow? Don't wanna bother you but I would like to finish what we started. :)
me: You can start with that bible verse I asked for, sound cool?
stranger: Sounds awesome:) ..... What verse was that exactly?
me: Scriptures for your opinions on how to be saved.
stranger: Oh yes :) That family meeting cut me off as I was working on that.
me: Kay thanks. :) Bye stranger.
stranger: Bye Shauna :)


I guess the guy isn't a creeper. Hopefully. This is really unlike me but I guess I should sacrifice my personal comfort for the opportunity to evangelize.
I don't know why but the fact that he used my name just made me shiver. I need sleep.
And does anyone know what "Hmhmhm" is supposed to translate to? I thought I knew text talk but this kid is ridiculous...

precious

I believe I just witnessed the single most romantic act of all time.
A boy sits across from his girlfriend, holds her hands.
A guitar is heard, and the boy begins to sing the song "She's More" by Andy Griggs.
She would look into his eyes, and then look at the ground and smile, and then look right back into them.
And he never looked away.
After he sang the last note, he enveloped her in the most loving embrace, like he never wanted to let her go.

... I want that.

Somewhere in this big world, there's a man that I'm gonna marry.
He'll be strong and able.
He'll sing to me when I'm mad at him.
He'll leave me sweet notes just because.
He'll let me rearrange the furniture every day.
He'll look on the bright side.
He'll hold my hand whenever he gets the chance.
He'll pray with me before bed.
He'll let me have my Great Dane in the house.
He'll impress my Mom.
He'll let me argue with him even after I've lost.
He'll teach our children bible school songs.
He'll smile more than frown.
He'll protect me.
He'll tolerate me when I'm stressed.
He'll tell me I'm beautiful after I wash my make-up off at night.

And I won't settle until I find him.

parrot mountain

One day, I will be married on those stone stairs.

My family and I took our biannual trip to Gatlinburg this past weekend. That picture was taken at Parrot Mountain in Pigeon Forge. It is the most beautiful place I believe I have ever been.

I give up. I've been giving people the benefit of the doubt for a very long time, and it's time that I start facing reality and doing what's best for me. And that's to just forget, and be happy.

Today I'm very thankful for dates with Hannah, optimistic people, my cat who is still kicking after 15 years, music, ability, good books, my family, my freedom to be silly when I want to, people that love me even after they've learned everything about me (like my perfectionism and jealousy and unintentional yet periodical snobbiness), football, texting, parrot mountain, things that smell good, my guitar, showtunes, blogging, splenda.

I don't know why the thought ever crosses my mind that I would like to be someone else, because I have the most wonderful life ever. I hope I don't waste any more time wishing I could fix things that are out of my control. 

hello, goodbye

I take everything to heart. It honestly tears me apart when someone shuts me out of their life. And it's even worse when it's someone very important to me. AND it makes it even worse that at one time, I felt that I was very important to them.

I'm trying to think of all those sweet little quotes that people broadcast on their statuses, the ones they used to paste onto their myspaces back in the day, in big bold letters stating that if someone lets you go they were never yours to begin with and a true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out...

It always made perfect sense.
Until it became too real, too quickly.

I don't see what's so hard about replying to a text message.
Being one of the 200 people to say happy birthday. It takes 5 seconds.
Ask how I'm doing. Or just say hey. You could stop after just that.
You could even get someone else to ask for you. I don't care.
Just acknowledge my existence in a somewhat positive way.

I feel like such a pathetic loser.
I only have two venting methods, and that's blogging and Hannah. But Hannah's busy, so that means that this is the only way to let it out.
Silly, I know.
Since blogging is totally public and everyone in the universe could read this.
But maybe that's also part of the reason that I do...

I hope Hannah becomes unbusy soon before I say something I shouldn't.
I just hope one day I can learn to trust the people I should, and lean only on them and not on those that will continually let me down.
I seem to have a problem with that.

dream

last night i had a dream and i really wish i wouldn't have.

but it was a good dream.

it felt SO REAL.

i woke up smiling and content.

and then saw the hotel room and the bright desk clock flashing 4 A.M.

i stopped smiling.

and so once again, i have come to the realization that the people that i wish to see, the moments i would love to relive over and over...

... they are the ones that hurt me the most.

i should be happy enough with the people that have stuck with me through it all.

and not base my happiness upon one who hasn't.

i take for granted

Today was a wake-up call. And I don't mean a little voice inside my head.

I'm talking fireworks before my eyes. A million strobe lights shining all at once. A cannon is shot.

And I am so, so thankful.

Sometimes, I get irritated because we don't have any apples or special k.

Over 30,000 people starve to death every day.

Once in a while I'll become irritated with my family and go to my room with a slightly snobby attitude.

Some peope don't have a complete family unit like I do. Some people have no one but themselves.

Sometimes I cry over boys.

Lots of people cry over lost loved ones.

I worry about whether I made a 95 on the last Chemistry test.

Some people worry about whether they'll live to see tomorrow.

I'll probably get lots of clothes, books, and extra money for Christmas.

Some little boys and girls would love to own a pair of shoes.

God created me. God saw I was a sinner. God sent His Son to save me. 

I can't imagine the alternative.

I have a family. I have Christian friends. I have life. I have beautiful Alabama. I have shoes. I have the Bible. I have ability. I have hands to work, legs to take me where I want to go. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I have an influence. I have health. I have warm clothes. I can have my favorite foods every day. I can drive to school. I can live in peace and not in fear.

Goal:

stop complaining.

stop worrying.

give thanks often.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
- Matthew 6:25-34