sometimes i worry. actually this is a massive understatement because i always worry. i worry about being late and being early and having smelly feet or bad breath and being too forward to the point of annoyance or too shy to the point of making others uncomfortable, too cocky or uncomfortable in my own skin. i worry about being a disappointment or not realizing my mistakes and whether i look unique or just plain silly. i worry about eating too much or being too lazy or not lazy enough, working myself to death or not being productive.
okay so i'm basically a worry-a-holic, i could probably write a book entitled How to Worry Yourself to Death and make all kinds of money, that is if anyone really desired to learn the art of worrying that i have accomplished and i really do not recommend it
i have a habit of talking all the way around a subject before getting around to it but this is my blog so i think i'm allowed to do that. here is the thought that began this whole deal: i think i worry most about missing chances. like that moment when you're at a crossroads and you can't decide which side belongs to your heart and which side belongs to your logic and if they could possibly be on the same side, and you want to see the end of the road to see where you're going to end up but the thing is you can't do that, you have to choose a path and follow it all the way to the end. i worry about missing an opportunity for beauty. like when you don't want to go somewhere but you do, and then you realize that you would have missed the chance to witness something truly magical? i don't want to miss those moments. but i also worry of being too impulsive (i have a constant inward battle, check out the blogs from april and you will see my impulsiveness which i believe is now overcome with my logic). i don't want to restrain myself so much that i cease to live but i also need stability. who am i? does anyone else constantly wish they could have a list of their own characteristics listed for them so that they could decide how to react in every situation? because i feel like i make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with the person i actually am and more to do with who i want to be at that particular moment, but that changes and suddenly i'm in a circular cycle of not knowing how to react in any situation and not knowing which path to choose because one is labeled excitement and one is labeled security and my brain is so tired that sometimes i think i just close my eyes and walk without deliberation
i couldn't sleep last night because suddenly a road sign was in my head that said this could be awesome and the subscript said "you are happy but you could be happier if you go this way" and it's almost like de ja vu because i feel like i've been down this road before and told myself i wouldn't go again but now it's different scenery and they planted some new daisies and the road i'm on looks like a dead end
so who wins, security or excitement?
i'll let you know when i decide who i am
Showing posts with label the worrier. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the worrier. Show all posts
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
13 whys
why
...can i not stand up for myself?
...do i judge?
...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?
...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?
...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?
...am i condescending?
...do i over-analyze?
...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?
...do i forget to pray?
...do i worry over little things?
...do i forget to cherish friendships?
...don't i realize how blessed i am?
...does God forgive me constantly?
...are people always looking for things to complain about?
...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?
(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)
why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?
...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?
...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good
...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?
...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?
i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one
i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.
i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."
I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing
i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.
and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.
so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.
wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?
okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now
...can i not stand up for myself?
...do i judge?
...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?
...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?
...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?
...am i condescending?
...do i over-analyze?
...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?
...do i forget to pray?
...do i worry over little things?
...do i forget to cherish friendships?
...don't i realize how blessed i am?
...does God forgive me constantly?
...are people always looking for things to complain about?
...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?
(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)
why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?
...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?
...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good
...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?
...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?
i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one
i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.
i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."
I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing
i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.
and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.
so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.
wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?
okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now
Friday, April 8, 2011
butterflies
be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever
life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.
everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.
i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.
but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.
i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.
and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...
now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.
please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose
Sunday, April 3, 2011
one day
i'll be brave enough to feel the way my heart is screaming
even when i'm scared
because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved
even when i'm scared
because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved
Friday, January 28, 2011
indecisive
reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. the tennis team
2. band
3. band
4. band
5. being drum major
5. I would really miss some people. I really would.
6. less opportunity to talk about Jesus and let my light shine
7. I hate being bored
8. I like going places constantly and staying busy
9. I eat a lot when I'm bored, that could be a bad thing
10. I've come this far already
I hate being indecisive. It's really not my favorite quality to say the least.
Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm trying out for All-State (remember in that blog I wrote about how I tend to want to be the best at everything I do and making All-State was one of my goals? I don't know who I'm talking to, I'd be thoroughly amazed if someone has read every single one of these. Anyway it's here (stop stressing shauna baker), just in case you're interested, whoever you are). But I think I'm doing a lot better about the whole not stressing out about every event of my life which involves the teeniest bit of competition because regardless of whether I'm first chair or don't pass scales, life goes on. And so it goes. And afterwards my favorite group of people are coming over to play guitar and help me de-stress and the excitement of seeing them just pretty much trumps any kind of uneasiness I'm feeling about the try-out. It will all be worth it.
I'm really in the mood to read instead of write so this isn't going to be very long, but I want to make it a personal goal to not get into the humdrum of school and life and business and forget what I felt like after Exposure and how on fire for God I was and still am. I hope I never ever forget what that's like again because truly it's such an amazing feeling. I love having hope. I don't understand how anyone can be happy without it. I have a lot to say on this topic but I'll save it for a later date.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39
1. the tennis team
2. band
3. band
4. band
5. being drum major
5. I would really miss some people. I really would.
6. less opportunity to talk about Jesus and let my light shine
7. I hate being bored
8. I like going places constantly and staying busy
9. I eat a lot when I'm bored, that could be a bad thing
10. I've come this far already
I hate being indecisive. It's really not my favorite quality to say the least.
Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm trying out for All-State (remember in that blog I wrote about how I tend to want to be the best at everything I do and making All-State was one of my goals? I don't know who I'm talking to, I'd be thoroughly amazed if someone has read every single one of these. Anyway it's here (stop stressing shauna baker), just in case you're interested, whoever you are). But I think I'm doing a lot better about the whole not stressing out about every event of my life which involves the teeniest bit of competition because regardless of whether I'm first chair or don't pass scales, life goes on. And so it goes. And afterwards my favorite group of people are coming over to play guitar and help me de-stress and the excitement of seeing them just pretty much trumps any kind of uneasiness I'm feeling about the try-out. It will all be worth it.
I'm really in the mood to read instead of write so this isn't going to be very long, but I want to make it a personal goal to not get into the humdrum of school and life and business and forget what I felt like after Exposure and how on fire for God I was and still am. I hope I never ever forget what that's like again because truly it's such an amazing feeling. I love having hope. I don't understand how anyone can be happy without it. I have a lot to say on this topic but I'll save it for a later date.
"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39
Monday, January 17, 2011
this feeling
I'm not good at pushing away sadness when I'm supposed to be happy. But thankfully very recently (yesterday) I finally learned something very important, that emotions are not sin. We can't help the way we feel, and so being angry or feeling doubt or worry or sadness is not wrong. God gave us our emotions, they are responses to our everyday lives. God doesn't judge us by how we feel but how we act upon our feeelings. Actions are what makes the difference. So I can feel sad and it's okay, but I need to try to take actions that are best for me and those around me. Which is to be encouraging and optimistic and try to not bring everyone else down with my poopy mood.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.
Monday, January 10, 2011
about blogging
I think sometimes I psych myself out with this whole blog business and think I have to sound intelligent and serious and not overuse smiley faces because that will take away from the philosophical value of my words but that's pretty silly of me, because the only person who will really judge this is myself and the other two (perhaps three) people that actually take time to read it, and so it really doesn't matter if I sound intelligent or if my words are completely unintelligible because it's coming from my head so I shouldn't have to provide commentary on my own thoughts and feelings because I know what I'm talking about. But this is also contradictory since one could argue that since I know my own thoughts I shouldn't have to type them out, but it helps me to understand myself so I guess I'll keep typing things I already know and those two or three people might eventually get tired or reading all that random thought vomit but at least it helps me not go crazy.
I like blogging because I don't have to use correct punctuation if I'm not in the mood (not correct grammar, I have to use that or I spaz, except in the case of run-on sentences), or if I want I can use the most ridiculous word in the dictionary that I didn't know the meaning of until I googled it just minutes ago, there is no universal standard and nobody can be offended if I use words they don't know the meaning of because I think it's enjoyable to use new words. It makes me happy. :)
I like blogging because I don't have to use correct punctuation if I'm not in the mood (not correct grammar, I have to use that or I spaz, except in the case of run-on sentences), or if I want I can use the most ridiculous word in the dictionary that I didn't know the meaning of until I googled it just minutes ago, there is no universal standard and nobody can be offended if I use words they don't know the meaning of because I think it's enjoyable to use new words. It makes me happy. :)
I now have a deep obsession with National Geographic and I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up and that's a photojournalist. It's photography+writing+traveling to beautiful places all over the world, purely the best combination in the universe. I want to GO places and SEE things that the average person will never see, and then write all about my adventures and capture the beautiful moments with an extremely expensive camera and share it with the rest of the world so they can go there, too. It excites me to think about it all. The future is so exciting because it's all open to my own judgement and I get to form it from scratch like a sculpture, except sometimes everything won't be chiseled exactly how I'd like but still, I have an impact through every decision I'm making to formulate my own destiny. THAT is just cool.
Right now I'm reading a book entitled "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" which you would think would be completely silly, but it's actually already one of my favorite books and I'm only about 3/4 done with it and it isn't silly at all, in fact I've been close to tears many times (never caving, but probably will because I usually do), but that usually for me means that it's a very good book because I get emotional when I really love things and especially books and movies. I don't want to ruin it for the < 3 people that are reading (since you obviously like to read if you read my extensive thoughts, and you might like to read this book because like I said it's pretty great), but I will say that I've learned a lot already. The book is about a journalist living in London and trying to decide upon a topic for a new book, and she receives a letter from a man living in Guernsey and they become pen pals, and he tells her the story of the Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society which formed in defense during the Holocaust, and so she becomes friends with all the society's members through letters and learns all their personal stories of the Holocaust. Now she has visited the island and is learning everything firsthand and growing closer to them all, and she is probably (I'm catching onto some serious foreshadowing) going to end up writing a book about Guernsey. It's one of those books that I don't want to put down and I don't want it to end, either, so I'm really in quite a predicament but I'm going to keep reading and maybe one day I'll reread it (I've never reread a book in my life, there's always something else interesting me more).
BUT to the actual point in writing about that book- I will never, hopefully, understand the kind of pain that those people endured, and it makes me feel so pathetic for the little bitty things that I complain about. I think it was Thoreau who said that "there are those who starve day after day who express the same amount of anger and resentment as the fortunate man who becomes angry when he receives a hamburger with onions when he specifically ordered one without" (that's a horrendous quotation because I really don't remember but look it up, it's one to remember). But the point is that when every little disappointment in our lives is compared with that of others across the globe it absolutely cannot be paralleled, and it's quite ridiculous of us to believe that we have the right to complain when the wrong proportion of condiments are put on the greasy food we get to have when there are people right here in this country who would love to have the onions or tomatoes right off your Big Mac. I really need to work on this I think. I read about people who were tortured and went through so much more than I could ever endure and it's so completely obscure compared to the luxury that I live in, and I just don't think I or anyone else for that matter truly realizes how blessed we are. I am SO blessed that I have my family to play games with, even though sometimes I complain because I absolutely despise the game swap but that's what Haley absolutely loves to play, and I should be more agreeable and play it with her because lots of people don't have my kind of loving family and they don't have the kind of relationships with siblings that they would actually want to play games with each other. I'm so glad I do. My life as an only child would be pretty much boring beyond belief.
Me and Hannah took this picture at Exposure. It's pretty much the best pun EVER
I honestly did not intend for this post to be so extensive. I think it's because I'm watching the national championship simply to be socially accepted and not because I'm pulling for either team, so I've been blogging the entire time to pass time since I don't really care and obviously watching football is very good for thought stimulation because I've remembered pretty much everything I want to write about on a regular basis but always forget about.
Christians make the best friends in the universe. I will argue this to my death because I seriously don't know what I would do if I had to rely on people that don't love God to be my friends, because that one fact is so very important because otherwise we will never be able to discuss my faults and how I can be a better influence and how hard it is to resist temptation and how excited we are that _____ is coming to church now and nobody can compete with that kind of relationship. I've always had that in Hannah and this year I've grown so much closer to so many wonderful people, including so many lovely older ladies in the church that I would die for, they're so precious and I wish I had gone to them for advice more in the past. One is my sweet grandmother who is probably the best advice giver in the world. The other day we were having lunch and drinking coffee (I definitely got that obsession from her) and we started talking about high school and how much I hate it, and she said it was the same way when she was in high school, but after I get out then I'll feel like my own person again and that I shouldn't worry, and I was so thankful to her for helping me to catch that little glimpse of hope that there IS an end in sight, and even though sometimes I'm completely miserable I know that one day I'll be a free spirit in the world and I won't have to worry about those things anymore. I know it makes me sound like a pessimist, and I hate that it does because I'm actually a pretty big optimist, I love education and I love to find out new things but sometimes the social side becomes tiresome, but at any rate everyone has to go through it and even though I don't exactly appreciate the whole premise of high school I have to go through it too, and I'll come out a better and stronger person and ready to take on the world. Luckily I have the best Christian friends in the universe who help keep me sane. I think it's Aristotle who said "A friend to all is a friend to none" (I've been on a pretty big philosophical kick lately), and even though that sounds a bit rude I find it to be very true. I still love everybody because everybody's a soul and deserves love and appreciation simply because of what they are, but being "friends" means spending time together and appreciating each others company and sharing stories and secrets and troubles, and there's absolutely no way that you can have enough in common with every person you meet to become close friends with them, especially if they lie or cheat on tests or don't want to do anything with their life, I'm not going to mesh well with that person. But that doesn't mean I can't be nice and sweet and all. I've also heard it's better to have a few close friends rather than a bunch of semi close friends, which I also whole-heartedly agree with. I have that and I'm very very thankful. Not that I don't enjoy meeting new people and making friends, but I don't have to go out and spill all my life's secrets to someone I barely know just because I need someone to confide in, because I have a lot of people that I can confide in. Basically I'm blessed, a whole whole lot. I like my life a great deal.
That's all for today, over and out.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
grown-up
I play pretend. Sometimes I pretend that I'm unaffected by criticism, but inside I'm dwelling on every single word that person said. And they might not even mean it as criticism, just a casual comment about my grades or my goals or anything really... I keep it inside and try to fit the mold of what that person wants me to be. But outside I pretend that it doesn't phase me. Or I pretend I don't hear when people say hateful things to other people, or don't notice when the people that are being victimized get that lonely, distant look in their eyes that says they've given up. I don't have to experience that feeling very often BUT I do know what it feels like to be lonely and I hate hate hate it. And that's exactly what harmful words do, they make us feel lonely and unwanted and it's cruel, but it's hard to be the only one standing up while everyone else is sitting down, so sometimes I just pretend I don't notice. I pretend that I didn't hear them use God to describe a stubbed toe or something "***-awful", because God isn't awful at all and how could anything be described that way? But that isn't a popular opinion, so I pretend I didn't hear. I pretend my "friend" isn't laughing at another girl's clothes or who she asked to prom, and how she got turned down. I smile and say to myself you didn't hear that, Shauna, just try to change the subject. Which doesn't help the situation at all but the prospect of losing the support of that "friend" is scary, so I pretend that I didn't hear what she was saying. I pretend that I'm a wonderful student because I make good grades but when I get home I don't prepare as well as I could, and usually on tests I just get lucky because I'm good at problem-solving and process of elimination. I pretend that I make better than other people because I work for it but really I work just hard enough to stay comfortably the same. Pretty high A's, a low one in A.P. History because it's just "not my forte". That suffices as satisfactory, right? I pretend that it's the best I can do but I'm lying.
These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.
This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.
My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.
I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.
One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.
I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.
Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.
When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.
I want to be grown-up so bad.
But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.
These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.
This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.
My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.
I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.
One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.
I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.
Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.
When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.
I want to be grown-up so bad.
But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
chameleon
Everything about this week has been beautiful. And today was the perfect example, because everything about it was just absolutely perfect and I smiled a lot and worried a lot less. God is providing for me and I can't thank Him enough.
I don't have enough thoughts for a very long post, but today I went shopping for little boy's underwear and nascar and spent over an hour in Subway listening to Chuck Norris jokes and interrupting stories obnoxiously just because. It was the most fun I've had in a very long time.
This will probably consist of a series of random thoughts considering I don't have the brain power nor the motivation to expand upon each of these topics. Maybe at a later date.
I realized today how easy and hard it is to break the mold of your daily routine. One single step changes your entire day. It puts you around different people, in a different environment. A better one. And I know it will get easier and easier to make that first step towards a better environment for myself. I'm very proud.
I strongly believe in the natural tendency of humans to follow instead of lead. It's true for teenagers just as it is true for adults as well. It's much easier to conform to the environment that you are in, like a chameleon, rather than define your personality and moral values and stay true to yourself at all costs. A leader. Different. I believe this is an abnormal perspective but that is alright with me because the idea of abnormal ideas sort of attracts me. But being one person is actually much harder than being whoever you need to be depending on the situation. For instance, a teenager put into a room with 5 year olds will (hopefully) not be compelled to formulate sentences with the f bomb being used to describe things that don't even make sense. However, that same teenager put into a crowd of people that constantly use profanity such as that will be compelled to do so, to conform, to feel like they belong. I believe this comes from the desire to follow the "majority" rather than having only one person to follow, at all costs, at all times, never wavering. For me that person should be Christ. I say should be, because I'm human and although I am never compelled to use profanity because I find it completely useless, I do find it very easy to become a gossiper when surrounded by gossipers. To become a cheater when everyone else is doing it. To laugh at dirty jokes when I'm surrounded by laughing people. To become pessimistic when all I hear are pessimistic comments. A complainer. A condescender. A judger. A boaster. If I really want to be consistent, I cannot be a follower of man, because man is unstable. He is a chameleon, ever changing to fit the mold of the majority. There is only one Rock, the solid foundation that is unwavering and never changing. If I want to be consistent, the only one I can truly count on is Christ. If I'm always looking to be Christ-like instead of a crowd pleaser, then I will be better equiped to withstand temptation when I happen to be in an unChristlike environment. Unfortunately, I cannot always do so, so the best thing in my opinion is to not associate myself with groups of people that tempt me to do wrong. But this requires work, being abnormal, being different. Breaking away from the majority and seeking a minority group of friends that will help me stay pure. It isn't gonna be easy. But it's right, and I'm excited to see what happens.
That random thought lasted much longer than I had originally expected.
Tonight I drank hot tea because I thought I would have to pull an all-nighter to not kill my history grade on a test tomorrow.
However the test has been postponed, yet another way I have been blessed with the most amazing day that keeps getting better!
I feel bad because earlier when I was at the gospel meeting, I was thinking about how badly I needed to study and how busy my day had been and how worried I was. That was a very wrong mindset to have.
And now look what happened. I didn't have a single thing to worry over. I should have been paying closer attention and not worrying about things of tomorrow. It's like God's providence telling me that my worrying is of no benefit to me. I strongly believe in the providencial power of God. He works in so many ways I will never understand.
I'm reading a book entitled The Beach House by Mary Alice Monroe. It's required for school which means I should hate it but I completely don't. Long novels take such a long time but I know when I finally get to the end I'm going to fall in love with every page over again. It's about a girl who moves away from her Southern family as soon as she turns 18, leaving her fragile mother and intractable brother with her abusive father who, on her way out the door, promises that he will not care for her a bit if she chooses to leave. She does, and one day she comes back home. Old, unmarried, unemployed, back from Chicago to visit her mother who is inconspicuously dying before her eyes. It reminds me of The Last Song except they didn't make a corny movie with Miley Cyrus. Although the boy was pretty, I must admit.
I have no idea why I just summarized the first 120 pages of that book but at any rate I just like it a lot. I have a week to read the other 300 pages so I should probably get on the ball.
Back up 2 paragraphs because I should end with that... God is so so good. And sometimes I don't realize how truly great God is, until out of darkness there comes something beautiful. Out of a horrible situation there is a light at the end, a way of escape. I'm so blessed.
I don't have enough thoughts for a very long post, but today I went shopping for little boy's underwear and nascar and spent over an hour in Subway listening to Chuck Norris jokes and interrupting stories obnoxiously just because. It was the most fun I've had in a very long time.
This will probably consist of a series of random thoughts considering I don't have the brain power nor the motivation to expand upon each of these topics. Maybe at a later date.
I realized today how easy and hard it is to break the mold of your daily routine. One single step changes your entire day. It puts you around different people, in a different environment. A better one. And I know it will get easier and easier to make that first step towards a better environment for myself. I'm very proud.
I strongly believe in the natural tendency of humans to follow instead of lead. It's true for teenagers just as it is true for adults as well. It's much easier to conform to the environment that you are in, like a chameleon, rather than define your personality and moral values and stay true to yourself at all costs. A leader. Different. I believe this is an abnormal perspective but that is alright with me because the idea of abnormal ideas sort of attracts me. But being one person is actually much harder than being whoever you need to be depending on the situation. For instance, a teenager put into a room with 5 year olds will (hopefully) not be compelled to formulate sentences with the f bomb being used to describe things that don't even make sense. However, that same teenager put into a crowd of people that constantly use profanity such as that will be compelled to do so, to conform, to feel like they belong. I believe this comes from the desire to follow the "majority" rather than having only one person to follow, at all costs, at all times, never wavering. For me that person should be Christ. I say should be, because I'm human and although I am never compelled to use profanity because I find it completely useless, I do find it very easy to become a gossiper when surrounded by gossipers. To become a cheater when everyone else is doing it. To laugh at dirty jokes when I'm surrounded by laughing people. To become pessimistic when all I hear are pessimistic comments. A complainer. A condescender. A judger. A boaster. If I really want to be consistent, I cannot be a follower of man, because man is unstable. He is a chameleon, ever changing to fit the mold of the majority. There is only one Rock, the solid foundation that is unwavering and never changing. If I want to be consistent, the only one I can truly count on is Christ. If I'm always looking to be Christ-like instead of a crowd pleaser, then I will be better equiped to withstand temptation when I happen to be in an unChristlike environment. Unfortunately, I cannot always do so, so the best thing in my opinion is to not associate myself with groups of people that tempt me to do wrong. But this requires work, being abnormal, being different. Breaking away from the majority and seeking a minority group of friends that will help me stay pure. It isn't gonna be easy. But it's right, and I'm excited to see what happens.
That random thought lasted much longer than I had originally expected.
Tonight I drank hot tea because I thought I would have to pull an all-nighter to not kill my history grade on a test tomorrow.
However the test has been postponed, yet another way I have been blessed with the most amazing day that keeps getting better!
I feel bad because earlier when I was at the gospel meeting, I was thinking about how badly I needed to study and how busy my day had been and how worried I was. That was a very wrong mindset to have.
And now look what happened. I didn't have a single thing to worry over. I should have been paying closer attention and not worrying about things of tomorrow. It's like God's providence telling me that my worrying is of no benefit to me. I strongly believe in the providencial power of God. He works in so many ways I will never understand.
I'm reading a book entitled The Beach House by Mary Alice Monroe. It's required for school which means I should hate it but I completely don't. Long novels take such a long time but I know when I finally get to the end I'm going to fall in love with every page over again. It's about a girl who moves away from her Southern family as soon as she turns 18, leaving her fragile mother and intractable brother with her abusive father who, on her way out the door, promises that he will not care for her a bit if she chooses to leave. She does, and one day she comes back home. Old, unmarried, unemployed, back from Chicago to visit her mother who is inconspicuously dying before her eyes. It reminds me of The Last Song except they didn't make a corny movie with Miley Cyrus. Although the boy was pretty, I must admit.
I have no idea why I just summarized the first 120 pages of that book but at any rate I just like it a lot. I have a week to read the other 300 pages so I should probably get on the ball.
Back up 2 paragraphs because I should end with that... God is so so good. And sometimes I don't realize how truly great God is, until out of darkness there comes something beautiful. Out of a horrible situation there is a light at the end, a way of escape. I'm so blessed.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
scattered
I'm afraid of this stranger.
I don't know what in the world possessed me to be so brave yesterday but now I'm back to being scared Shauna again...
I planted the Word in his heart, so is that enough?
Do I need to continue to try and feed that initial conversation about God, only to put myself at risk?
The answer would be a no.
N-O.
I'm not gonna be that girl that trusts the wrong person and ends up being hurt.
No thank you.
I'll stick to my friends that I have met in person and I actually trust to be what they say they are.
Sure, you say that you're a teenager, but how should I know?
I'm sure old creepers can learn teenager language. It isn't hard.
And you could have easily enough learned about one of my ex-boyfriends and used him as an excuse.
Which is crazy in itself because I don't think that person would ever give my number away like that.
That's a ludicrous idea.
So no, mister stranger, I will not continue to converse with you.
Even though you said I can call you "Red".
Somehow that is not very comforting.
I can picture a creeper being called "Red."
Why not use your real name? Is it because a nickname isn't as easily checked out?
Is this supposed to make you seem somehow more relatable, because I don't call you by your real name?
No thanks, I'll pass. If you want to meet me you can meet me the real way.
In other news I have a major huge A.P. History test tomorrow that will be worth over 200 points and a list of terms the size of gigantor but somehow I still feel the need to take a blogging break.
This could be an indication of poor prioritizing skills.
I also had a long chat with Hannah but that was necessary because I had to get her advice on this whole stranger situation. She told me that I should be more careful. She always makes so much more sense than I do.
And I know that I'm stressing about this test. I will be stressing about this test even if I stay up all night staring at the terms. I'M A STRESSER. Yes, me. Badly. If I ever had to be sent to therapy that would be my prime reason.
But I'm also a bad person to cope with stress, because I don't do it by studying. Actually I was doing very well until stranger texted me and sent me into a freak-out meltdown and I had to talk to Hannah. Then I knew I should blog to confirm that I was serious about not texting back. When I type it, it's permanent. I can't go back when the words are staring me in the face. Otherwise it was just a decision on instinct and I can go back on my word. But not when I blog it. That's for real.
I have an addiction with caffeine. I don't know if that's what you would call it, because I don't necessarily need caffeine, because it has no effect on me anymore. I've had 6 cups of coffee in the past 2 hours but I still manage to fall asleep while studying A.P. History. I think that's a sign that a) drinking 6 cups of coffee is a much too regular occurrence and b) my mental capacity is not one to easily grasp history. It's not that I don't like history, I just find it hard to retain the information that I read and make application of it. If I can't apply it to NOW then I find it hard to remember facts and dates and people. They seem so unimportant when compared to things that are happening right here and now. But I need to study.
I find myself to be very easily distracted...
I really love rainy days. They are normally most enjoyed when I can enjoy a wonderful book with a great cup of coffee in my favorite sweatpants, but sadly I only got the last 2 parts today. And I don't enjoy the coffee anymore, in fact my head and tummy are screaming at me to stop. But I still love sweatpants. I think they are cute and comfty so why not wear them all the time? Yes I do. :)
When we were in Gatlinburg I went clearance book shopping and bought 9 books for around $25 :D I will have the most epic Christmas break reading extravaganza of all time.
I just lied via blog. I really didn't text the guy back the first time. But then he said I seem like a nice person, and if I don't want to talk anymore it's okay.
I had to preserve that opinion of myself while informing him that it's just way too weird.
Hope no one has turned against me.
I'm still not caving.
I'm trying to picture a scraggly old red-headed creeper man with a big beard that wants me to keep talking to him.
Yep, that helped. You can use that mental image for yourself if you like. It helps.
I'm going to be studious now, sorry for my scattered and sometimes probably unintelligible thoughts.
I don't know what in the world possessed me to be so brave yesterday but now I'm back to being scared Shauna again...
I planted the Word in his heart, so is that enough?
Do I need to continue to try and feed that initial conversation about God, only to put myself at risk?
The answer would be a no.
N-O.
I'm not gonna be that girl that trusts the wrong person and ends up being hurt.
No thank you.
I'll stick to my friends that I have met in person and I actually trust to be what they say they are.
Sure, you say that you're a teenager, but how should I know?
I'm sure old creepers can learn teenager language. It isn't hard.
And you could have easily enough learned about one of my ex-boyfriends and used him as an excuse.
Which is crazy in itself because I don't think that person would ever give my number away like that.
That's a ludicrous idea.
So no, mister stranger, I will not continue to converse with you.
Even though you said I can call you "Red".
Somehow that is not very comforting.
I can picture a creeper being called "Red."
Why not use your real name? Is it because a nickname isn't as easily checked out?
Is this supposed to make you seem somehow more relatable, because I don't call you by your real name?
No thanks, I'll pass. If you want to meet me you can meet me the real way.
In other news I have a major huge A.P. History test tomorrow that will be worth over 200 points and a list of terms the size of gigantor but somehow I still feel the need to take a blogging break.
This could be an indication of poor prioritizing skills.
I also had a long chat with Hannah but that was necessary because I had to get her advice on this whole stranger situation. She told me that I should be more careful. She always makes so much more sense than I do.
And I know that I'm stressing about this test. I will be stressing about this test even if I stay up all night staring at the terms. I'M A STRESSER. Yes, me. Badly. If I ever had to be sent to therapy that would be my prime reason.
But I'm also a bad person to cope with stress, because I don't do it by studying. Actually I was doing very well until stranger texted me and sent me into a freak-out meltdown and I had to talk to Hannah. Then I knew I should blog to confirm that I was serious about not texting back. When I type it, it's permanent. I can't go back when the words are staring me in the face. Otherwise it was just a decision on instinct and I can go back on my word. But not when I blog it. That's for real.
I have an addiction with caffeine. I don't know if that's what you would call it, because I don't necessarily need caffeine, because it has no effect on me anymore. I've had 6 cups of coffee in the past 2 hours but I still manage to fall asleep while studying A.P. History. I think that's a sign that a) drinking 6 cups of coffee is a much too regular occurrence and b) my mental capacity is not one to easily grasp history. It's not that I don't like history, I just find it hard to retain the information that I read and make application of it. If I can't apply it to NOW then I find it hard to remember facts and dates and people. They seem so unimportant when compared to things that are happening right here and now. But I need to study.
I find myself to be very easily distracted...
I really love rainy days. They are normally most enjoyed when I can enjoy a wonderful book with a great cup of coffee in my favorite sweatpants, but sadly I only got the last 2 parts today. And I don't enjoy the coffee anymore, in fact my head and tummy are screaming at me to stop. But I still love sweatpants. I think they are cute and comfty so why not wear them all the time? Yes I do. :)
When we were in Gatlinburg I went clearance book shopping and bought 9 books for around $25 :D I will have the most epic Christmas break reading extravaganza of all time.
I just lied via blog. I really didn't text the guy back the first time. But then he said I seem like a nice person, and if I don't want to talk anymore it's okay.
I had to preserve that opinion of myself while informing him that it's just way too weird.
Hope no one has turned against me.
I'm still not caving.
I'm trying to picture a scraggly old red-headed creeper man with a big beard that wants me to keep talking to him.
Yep, that helped. You can use that mental image for yourself if you like. It helps.
I'm going to be studious now, sorry for my scattered and sometimes probably unintelligible thoughts.
Monday, November 29, 2010
religious stranger danger
Sometimes I wish I could be as straight-forward with my "friends" and frequent acquaintances about my relationship with Christ as I am with strangers.
stranger: Hey
me: Who is this?
[Isaiah 40:31] - my signature.
stranger: I just made up this number. Lookin for someone to chat with. I love your signature :)
me: Haha uh well thanks, it's my favorite bible verse! I love being a Christian :)
stranger: Wow, Christian girls are so hard to find! I've been looking for years! I love the Lord Jesus! I've been a christian since I was 5.
me: It's a wonderful life to live. :) The only way to live, actually, that's worthwhile.
stranger: So true :) How long have you been a Christian?
me: I was baptized into Christ when I was 11 years old. :) I was lost in sin, but being clothed with Him I became a new creature. :)
stranger: Awesome :) may I question you on something?
me: Please do! I love questions. :)
stranger: You said "baptized into Christ." I do believe the Bible says baptism does not save you. It's something you do to show that you have been saved by Jesus.
me: Well, that's a very popular opinion in our society, but respectfully I don't think that's what the scriptures teach.
stranger: Oh? Please explain what you believe the bible says.
me: Well, I read in Acts 2:38 of Peter commanding them to repent and be baptized to be forgiven of sins. In 1 Peter 3:21, I read that just as water saved Noah's family, even so we are saved by water through baptism. And Galatians 3:27 says that being baptized into Christ, we put on Christ. There are several other references such as every conversion in the book of Acts included baptism, and the baptism was immediate, not after a long period of time following the person being "saved."
I don't know what happened to the guy. I guess I offended him, he didn't want to hear what I had to say. Maybe he'll come back later to ask more questions.
But basically, that was not hard at all to do.
And I don't say all this to say that I've done some great thing because I really haven't, I should be having these conversations more often. It's my duty as a Christian. I shouldn't treat these conversations like a special event.
Why can't I strike up conversations like that with the lost that I see every single day?
I hope some of them will read this and ask me questions.
I want to be a soul winner.
Not just a "Christian" who puts bible verses on her blogs and fills a pew on Sunday.
Not just a "pretty good" person.
I want someone out there to absolutely hate me because of who I am.
I want them to absolutely dread seeing me every day because they'll have to hear me talk about Jesus.
And I don't say that to say that I want to get on people's nerves with the gospel, because please understand that I don't see how anyone could not heed to it. It's the greatest gift of all, the most wonderful sound in the world.
But I don't want people that hate God to be able to not hate me. That shouldn't be possible.
But maybe I can change their mind.
That's my mission but sometimes I forget.
He came back.
stranger: Many people translate that idea in a different way. Baptism is said to be an outward way of expressing an inward change. The bible doesn't clearly state that to be saved you have to be baptized. First a person is to admit to God that they are a sinner. Believe that Jesus is God's son and he dies to save everyone. Confess your faith in Jesus as Lord. That's where baptism comes in. It's how you publicly say, I have died and have been buried with Christ, and have rose again to walk in newness of life. In other words it's how you say, hey everybody I'm a follower of Christ and I'm not ashamed of it! I don't know these references right off but I have them somewhere.
me: Then at what point are you saved? And could you give me a scripture to go with that?
stranger: I'm looking for the scripture. And as to the point when you're actually saved, that happens when you fall on your face and give it all to God. Ask him to come into your heart and be Lord of your life.
me: A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense. You've quoted some scripture and I can tell you know your Bible. :) But I've looked and I can't find the "sinner's prayer" anywhere in the Bible.
stranger: I've got all my notes and stuff in a mess, hang on I got all the scriptures right here somewhere.
me: Take your time. :)
I want to wear the name Christian on my attitude.
I want to be on fire.
Sometimes I fall into a rut and forget what it's like to truly love God.
To truly trust God, and serve Him with my whole heart.
It's so easy to forget.
I hope I can have an impact on this boy.
Maybe I won't, but I hope I at least do the best job I can.
I want to... wait, he's back.
stranger: Thanks :) I'm looking for my notebook. Why isn't anything ever where I need it?
Uhhh... so I just realized.... how does this person know I'm female?
me: Hey, can I ask you something?
Yeah, they're totally not answering. Can religious conversationalists be creepers? If an old pervert man wanted to come kidnap me would he try to convert me first?
I'm a bit worried.
Scratch that. I'm majorly freaked out.
But I guess if I die I'm dying for the cause of the Lord, so that's a good reason.
Hey, he's back.
stranger: Oh sorry my dad called a family meeting. What can I do for you?
me: This is an odd question, but... How did you know I was a girl?
stranger: ....... :/ ...i did know that didn't I?
me: You did.
Maybe false doctrine in the religious world is kind of like stranger danger. We teach our kids to never trust someone unfamiliar to us, because they can be dangerous. Even if we think they seem nice enough, harmless enough, the results can be fatal. And if we go for the doctrine that is easiest, coolest, most widely accepted, then sure, we might have friends in this life. We might feel good. But we're putting our souls in serious jeopardy if we go by any doctrine that does not coincide with the Bible.
stranger: Huh... :/... I knew... Interesting.
me: Do you know who I am? Honestly.
I'VE CAUGHT HIM!
stranger: I'm not one to lie. Let's just say you were... Recommended by a friend.
me: Dude, I'm not gonna be mad. Just tell me.
stranger: Oh you sure? Most people would stop talking to me. But this person kinda said that you would kill them if you knew they told me about you.
me: I think I deserve to know who you and "that person" are, at this point.
Wow. Men.
I really wish we could turn this back into a religious conversation.
stranger: Umm... promise me you won't get mad? I'd feel bad if I hurt a friendship. :/
me: Yes, I promise. You aren't, I guess I should be flattered... in a weird way.
stranger: What do you mean? :/
me: Nothing, just tell me please. I'm not mad, see? :) <- smiley face.
stranger: Is there some way this person can not find out I told you this? :)
me: Sure, why not.
Dude... This is getting ridiculous.
Just tell me who you flippin' are.
Oh. My. Lanta.
stranger: Kinda a weird long story but, I met you because of your ex-boyfriend. His name is uhh... starts with a "_" sounds like "___" or something like that :/
[this message has been censored so as to save some poor soul from embarassment]
me: Yes, I did date a guy with that name. And you know me how?
stranger: I was talking to him and he gave me your number and said I should text you cause you're really nice and you can't tell him I told you cause you promised okay?
me: Lol, I promise. I find this quite humorous actually.
stranger: Really? :) How so?
me: No reason. Anyway, don't tell me who you are. Maybe one day you'll want to re-meet me in real life and at that point you probably won't want this conversation remembered. :) But let me know if you have any more religious questions! Sleep tight stranger, I love your soul. :)
stranger: Hmhmhm:) is it ok if I text you again tomorrow? Don't wanna bother you but I would like to finish what we started. :)
me: You can start with that bible verse I asked for, sound cool?
stranger: Sounds awesome:) ..... What verse was that exactly?
me: Scriptures for your opinions on how to be saved.
stranger: Oh yes :) That family meeting cut me off as I was working on that.
me: Kay thanks. :) Bye stranger.
stranger: Bye Shauna :)
I guess the guy isn't a creeper. Hopefully. This is really unlike me but I guess I should sacrifice my personal comfort for the opportunity to evangelize.
I don't know why but the fact that he used my name just made me shiver. I need sleep.
And does anyone know what "Hmhmhm" is supposed to translate to? I thought I knew text talk but this kid is ridiculous...
Monday, November 15, 2010
i take for granted
Today was a wake-up call. And I don't mean a little voice inside my head.
I'm talking fireworks before my eyes. A million strobe lights shining all at once. A cannon is shot.
And I am so, so thankful.
Over 30,000 people starve to death every day.
Once in a while I'll become irritated with my family and go to my room with a slightly snobby attitude.
Some peope don't have a complete family unit like I do. Some people have no one but themselves.
Sometimes I cry over boys.
Lots of people cry over lost loved ones.
I worry about whether I made a 95 on the last Chemistry test.
Some people worry about whether they'll live to see tomorrow.
I'll probably get lots of clothes, books, and extra money for Christmas.
Some little boys and girls would love to own a pair of shoes.
God created me. God saw I was a sinner. God sent His Son to save me.
I can't imagine the alternative.
I have a family. I have Christian friends. I have life. I have beautiful Alabama. I have shoes. I have the Bible. I have ability. I have hands to work, legs to take me where I want to go. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I have an influence. I have health. I have warm clothes. I can have my favorite foods every day. I can drive to school. I can live in peace and not in fear.
Goal:
stop complaining.
stop worrying.
give thanks often.
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
- Matthew 6:25-34
- Matthew 6:25-34
Monday, October 18, 2010
dear teenage girl
Dear teenage girl,
I am just like you. We are one and the same.
You have days when you feel anything but attractive. You compare yourself to "that girl." The one whom you don't know and do not desire to know, because you are jealous of her. She wears designer clothes and has a stride which only reminds you of your inferiority. Every word seems to come too easily to her, as if her life were scripted and she never had to make the tough decisions or say the silly and embarrassing things that you do. So you watch her every day, judging her character unfairly and condescendingly. You don't make any efforts to befriend her, because if you do befriend that girl and realize she is a kind-hearted person, one who would be only kind and honest and sweet at every point of her life, you will dislike her even more because that's just one more aspect of her life which is too perfect to be real. So you decide that you don't want to find out and assume she isn't a good person, so that you'll feel better about yourself.
Believe me. She feels the exact same way about you.
And I mean no snobbyness when I say that I believe I've been on both sides of the equation at some point.
I believe every teenage girl of all time has been on both sides of the equation, at some point.
And let me tell you- neither side is fun.
So this is for us. To realize that we are not made to be compared by physical beauty but by the content of our hearts. To understand that we were created beautiful, in the image of our God, who is with us all the way. Who can carry us through those hard days when we feel unloved, unwanted, and useless. Who always can make a way to use us for His glory if we only take opportunity to do so. To leave the boys who do not appreciate our worth. To search for the man who will love us for who we truly are - gentle, chaste, humble women of God, and love us deeply for that. Who will not wait to be chased after but will go through every measure of chivalry to prove to us that we mean something. Who will not only proclaim their love in word but in action. Who stand by us through every mistake. Who find us most beautiful in natural simplicity, the only adornments found in our inner character. Who fall in love with our soul and not our bodies. Who cherish every simple point of ourselves and never cease to remind us.
I have struggles. You and I both, we struggle with this. We fight to be beautiful, fight to be accepted and loved and popular.
We can use this same energy to perfect our inner selves. Rather than try to redesign our faces and our wardrobes, let's redesign our characters. Practice patience, kindness, love, selflessness, joy.
I know my attitude on beauty needs a lot of work, and it's about time I start making some changes.
"Charm is deceitful, and beauty is passing, but a woman who fears the Lord shall be praised." (Proverbs 31:30)
"A smile is an inexpensive way to change your looks."
Sunday, October 10, 2010
stop stressing shauna baker
So I'm supposed to be writing an essay using 500 words of original thought about: if I were an employer, under what circumstances would I fire an employee, or in my opinion, what invention or discovery has brought about the most far-reaching and lasting changes in our civilization.
Original thought is very tiring.
Which is very ironic considering I enjoy writing original thoughts online, but that's much less stressful and I don't feel like I will be judged. Well I guess I am being judged, that is given someone reads this, since it is a natural human tendency to judge even though we don't intend to sometimes. But that kind of judging doesn't really matter as much as sending in an official original thought essay for Writer's Bowl competition because this could really be a great thing if I won.
I stress myself out way too easily.
This is a problem. Matt is trying to teach me how to not stress myself out but I'm really not very good at not being stressed. Wise people always told me to set goals for myself, but I think I set too many in too many different categories so that it's hard to stretch myself across all of them.
Like getting best in class drum major in competition and valedictorian and winning this Writer's Bowl thing and advancing in the line-up for tennis this year and getting All-State on flute.
And I think that if I push myself enough that I can do all these things but the reality is that I can't be best at everything even though it would be nice. I'm not best at tennis and I'm not the best drum major or the best writer or flute player or teen genius or whatever, and the people that are the best do one thing and practice hard and do really well at it. Which I would rather have fun and be semi-talented in many areas rather than spend my entire high school career doing one thing and trying to be perfect at it.
So I'm trying really hard to stop stressing about things that I cannot control. But it's very hard.
I also cannot control how people treat other people cruelly. That's one thing I'm pretty much never guilty of, I'm proud to say, but I guess some people just really have trouble respecting other people. Like the other day at school when a group of guys were harassing a girl making her dance so they could laugh at her. I know she probably isn't really all there, and she might not realize that they were making fun of her, but everyone else did notice. It made the guys look really bad and I lost all respect for them right then. I tried along with the people around me to get the girl to come talk to us instead of staying with that group of guys but they kept getting her attention and asking her to do some more dancing. Finally after about 10 minutes I was just super angry, and that's pretty rare for me because I don't get mad hardly ever but I was mad and I screamed at them. It didn't help the situation, which screaming usually doesn't and I shouldn't have but I didn't know how to make it stop.
I didn't really know what to do and even know I don't know how I should have handled that situation.
But I don't care who it is and whether they realize it or not, making fun of other people just makes you look heartless. Especially right in front of them.
I know sometimes we say if you have something to say about someone you should say it to their face, but I'm not sure whether we mean that or not. Sometimes I'm aware people might be saying things about me, but when someone walks up to my face and makes the statement and hurts my feelings I don't respect them any more than the people saying it behind my back. Sure they're more courageous but they're also less sensitive.
Well through all this I have not discovered any epiphanic (didn't know that was an adjective until now) thoughts about being an employer or important inventions, but at least I've gotten some thoughts out there.
The only invention I can think of would be internet but that's totally generic and I'm sure by the time they get to mine they'll be completely bored of hearing that. But it makes sense because these days I'm pretty much revolved around internet and it's very unhealthy. I need to make some changes.
October Resolutions:
1. Don't stress.
2. Stay off the internet and build some intellect.
3. Pray; don't try to handle things on my own.
4. Be friendly. All the time. To everybody.
5. Never let this room get that nasty again.
6. Accept myself and my abilities, and don't push what my feeble mind cannot handle.
7. Use less personal pronouns.
8. Let conversation revolve less around myself and more about others.
9. Be happy.
10. Drink less coffee and Diet Dr. Pepper before my teeth turn a serious irreversible shade of yellow.
I kept realizing more and more things to change but I don't know if I can handle that many at one time so we're gonna stick with this for now. I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm tempted to post a song that I am listening to at the moment but I'm afraid it will reveal too many of my true feelings which are to remain secret at the moment because in my mother's words I have to "play it cool."
This song describes my every emotion perfectly though, just sayin'. =) I love when that happens.
Original thought is very tiring.
Which is very ironic considering I enjoy writing original thoughts online, but that's much less stressful and I don't feel like I will be judged. Well I guess I am being judged, that is given someone reads this, since it is a natural human tendency to judge even though we don't intend to sometimes. But that kind of judging doesn't really matter as much as sending in an official original thought essay for Writer's Bowl competition because this could really be a great thing if I won.
I stress myself out way too easily.
This is a problem. Matt is trying to teach me how to not stress myself out but I'm really not very good at not being stressed. Wise people always told me to set goals for myself, but I think I set too many in too many different categories so that it's hard to stretch myself across all of them.
Like getting best in class drum major in competition and valedictorian and winning this Writer's Bowl thing and advancing in the line-up for tennis this year and getting All-State on flute.
And I think that if I push myself enough that I can do all these things but the reality is that I can't be best at everything even though it would be nice. I'm not best at tennis and I'm not the best drum major or the best writer or flute player or teen genius or whatever, and the people that are the best do one thing and practice hard and do really well at it. Which I would rather have fun and be semi-talented in many areas rather than spend my entire high school career doing one thing and trying to be perfect at it.
So I'm trying really hard to stop stressing about things that I cannot control. But it's very hard.
I also cannot control how people treat other people cruelly. That's one thing I'm pretty much never guilty of, I'm proud to say, but I guess some people just really have trouble respecting other people. Like the other day at school when a group of guys were harassing a girl making her dance so they could laugh at her. I know she probably isn't really all there, and she might not realize that they were making fun of her, but everyone else did notice. It made the guys look really bad and I lost all respect for them right then. I tried along with the people around me to get the girl to come talk to us instead of staying with that group of guys but they kept getting her attention and asking her to do some more dancing. Finally after about 10 minutes I was just super angry, and that's pretty rare for me because I don't get mad hardly ever but I was mad and I screamed at them. It didn't help the situation, which screaming usually doesn't and I shouldn't have but I didn't know how to make it stop.
I didn't really know what to do and even know I don't know how I should have handled that situation.
But I don't care who it is and whether they realize it or not, making fun of other people just makes you look heartless. Especially right in front of them.
I know sometimes we say if you have something to say about someone you should say it to their face, but I'm not sure whether we mean that or not. Sometimes I'm aware people might be saying things about me, but when someone walks up to my face and makes the statement and hurts my feelings I don't respect them any more than the people saying it behind my back. Sure they're more courageous but they're also less sensitive.
Well through all this I have not discovered any epiphanic (didn't know that was an adjective until now) thoughts about being an employer or important inventions, but at least I've gotten some thoughts out there.
The only invention I can think of would be internet but that's totally generic and I'm sure by the time they get to mine they'll be completely bored of hearing that. But it makes sense because these days I'm pretty much revolved around internet and it's very unhealthy. I need to make some changes.
October Resolutions:
1. Don't stress.
2. Stay off the internet and build some intellect.
3. Pray; don't try to handle things on my own.
4. Be friendly. All the time. To everybody.
5. Never let this room get that nasty again.
6. Accept myself and my abilities, and don't push what my feeble mind cannot handle.
7. Use less personal pronouns.
8. Let conversation revolve less around myself and more about others.
9. Be happy.
10. Drink less coffee and Diet Dr. Pepper before my teeth turn a serious irreversible shade of yellow.
I kept realizing more and more things to change but I don't know if I can handle that many at one time so we're gonna stick with this for now. I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm tempted to post a song that I am listening to at the moment but I'm afraid it will reveal too many of my true feelings which are to remain secret at the moment because in my mother's words I have to "play it cool."
This song describes my every emotion perfectly though, just sayin'. =) I love when that happens.
Oh by the way I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE FALL. I even love it enough to do a whole bunch of obnoxious capitalization in one sentence because it is purely the greatest season of the year. It's cooling off sometimes, and you've got football and hoodies and campfires and band competitions and everything good in life. :) I think I'd like to keep fall for a while, just a little bit cooler temperature and then it can stay as long as it likes.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
making polite conversation
Why do I spend more time obsessing over how this page looks rather than the actual words?
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.
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