Monday, April 11, 2011


sometimes, i need space.

i'm not good at telling people when that happens.

because me being a good person means listening when i just want to go lock myself in a room and read a book. i like books more than people sometimes. most of the time i'm very sociable but sometimes it's just too much. especially when it feels like people choose topics that are the ultimate level of awkward for me. and it's like they know it makes me feel awkward and that makes them push the envelope even farther to see how much i'll take. it's some sick game they play.

i don't like to be followed around. to feel like i'm being studied and called out upon every mistake. or embarrassed for no other reason than to watch me blush. it's ridiculous and immature.

i have a problem with maturity. i don't enjoy being around people that aren't mature. i really don't have much tolerance for that. i'm sorry, i can't lie. it's a huge annoyance. because i just want to scream at them to grow up but that would be quite rude and maybe they can't help it, but i can't help thinking that maybe they can help it but they choose to act the way they do simply to be annoying and make me mad and uncomfortable. i like conversation about ideas and heaven and books and i find it hard to converse with someone who is a) obsessed with perversity b) likes to gossip about people c) wants to attack my relationship and point out any minute detail of how it might go wrong or who they "thought" i was dating, pretending like tyler's not even there sitting right beside me d) only talks about themselves. maybe they don't realize it. but i think most people do. and they enjoy it.

but i'm gonna be nice anyway, cause that's the right thing to do. but i'm also taking advantage of "me" time much more frequently when i'm annoyed so don't take offense if i get up from our conversation and lock myself in a room so i can read.

i live my life in a constant state of trying to stay in good graces with as many people as possible. which i guess is good, because Jesus said to try to live peaceably with all men, and I do. but i really don't think that letting people run all over me is what he had in mind. i'm so tired of making decisions on what i say and how i act simply based upon not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings. it's exhausting.

i just don't like to be pestered by people that can clearly see they are pestering me, and look as if they quite enjoy it

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