Tuesday, April 19, 2011

13 whys


...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one

i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now


  1. "God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are?" - You are so right. I needed that this week, Shauna-tastic!

    I love you, cousin-in-law.

  2. i worry about chemistry tests and the size of my thighs as well. and i hate when they don't end up with the right people. i miss you? am i allowed to miss you since we never see each other? but i do.