The first thing you should probably know, in case you don't, is that my Dad has been in the hospital.
Woah.
The last time I was this afraid for my Dad was when he was in a car accident and was taken straight to the ER and we had to wait in the waiting room for like 2 hours before I knew anything.
Except this time, I've waited 5 days and they still don't really and truly know what's causing my Dad to have so much pain.
But luckily it's controlled now, and he can hopefully be home tomorrow. I really hope so. It's one of those things where I truly love my Dad, but maybe in the past I didn't always hug him before I left for school, or just say I love you for no reason, or ask his advice when I'm having a hard time. And now that I can't do all those things it's made me realize how much I really need my Dad, and I don't know what I would do if this was forever.
But luckily it's not, and I know for some people they aren't lucky enough to say that, and to them I am truly sorry. You are much stronger than I will ever be.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my Dad and I are alike. We really are. See Mom and Haley are the detailers. When they hear a story, they want to know everything about it. What time you got there what was the person's middle name what shirt were you wearing how did they say it why? All of those things. See me and Dad, sometimes we just really want to know the ending. We like absolutes, simplicity. We're more of 'sit there and listen' rather than ask questions about it. And it's not like I prefer that over the personality of other people because I love Mom and Haley and love talking to them, but it's just like me and Dad have that connection. I got that from him. I have his hair and his doubts and love for tennis, although his ability surpasses mine tenfold even with all the ridiculous surgeries he's had. He can whoop me anyday. We aren't always good with expressing our feelings, we're afraid to let our emotions show and sometimes we hide it when we're upset. We can't always put feelings into words but writing comes like breathing. My dad can write a letter that will bring you to tears, and he has many times that I've read them. He loves Math and chocolate, and he hates to feel that he has let himself down by not accomplishing his full potential. All these things he has instilled in me. Sometimes I let myself dislike something about myself and then I remember oh, I got that from my Dad, so I smile and all of a sudden I like myself again. :)
So yes, I love my Dad and that's been causing me stress that he isn't at home and nothing is normal.
Sunday I cried all stinkin' day long because Dad wasn't home and Mom wasn't home and I didn't have a boyfriend to cry to and my best friend was busy and my other best friend was gone and I just had to cry. I cried and cried and cried until my stomach just hurt and was in knots and I didn't want to eat.
Then about 1 A.M. I "got sick" (that's my nice word for throw up because I don't particularly like any other word people substitute there). After that I went to bed and felt better but then at 4 A.M. I was wide awake again with that same feeling. It was like something was taking everything in my insides and flipping it all backwards so it didn't fit quite right inside of me, and I thought I would get sick again but I didn't.
I didn't go to school that morning, and Mom left again to go to be with Dad.
I slept and slept and woke up and felt better, so at 11:40 I took the pre-written note that my mother had given me and checked in to school thinking that everything would be okay. I ate graham crackers for breakfast. I was feeling okay.
I got to class and sat down and felt all the eyes on me and the feeling was back. Everything that was so common place in my life had been thrown around inside of me and I couldn't be comfortable there. At 12:00 I said I was sick and went to the nurse. At 12:30 I went to Wal-Mart to get advil and sprite, and I went back home.
(p.s: sprite gets really old when it's the only thing you drink for 24 straight hours. just fair warning.)
So I thought well I must have a stomach virus and so I stayed home and didn't go to band practice after asking and making sure that was okay with Mr. Prather, which it was because of course he wanted me to rest and I'm pretty sure he probably didn't want the whole band with a virus on Saturday for competition.
Yeah, let's add a little bit more stress. I've missed two practices and competition is Saturday. We have one practice left.
So Monday I stayed in bed and just took it easy and thought well, by tomorrow this stomach virus will be gone and I can go to Youth Leadership Thing and it'll all be okay. I'll get caught up. (I had to also get caught up from 2 days last week when I was at the orthodontist/dentist, so that's a lot of catching up to do.)
I also cried a lot on Monday. I cried because I was just lonely and sick. Maybe that's why I was crying.
One time I opened the cabinet and smelled bubble gum candy smell, and almost fell down with the upside down feeling.
My grandparents came over and brought some pretzels with peanut butter in the middle that's good when you have Upset Stomach and "ohhh, I hope you feel better..." I really did feel better because people were here and I love these people and these people really care about me.
This morning the alarm went off and my stomach literally cringed at the sight of the clock. I sat up in bed. Felt queasy. Went back to sleep. 7 A.M. "Shauna, are you feeling better?" "Nnnmmmm..." Slept until 10.
Wake up. Go downstairs and my mom is actually still here, so I sit and talk and we laugh. I eat more of the wonderful peanut butter pretzels and drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, because Sprite just makes me cringe at this point.
Then I started to cry again...
Guys, I'm serious. I've never cried this much in a consecutive order in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn't even pinpoint the cause anymore, everything was just upside down and nothing could be right.
I had the open book on my lap to study for the three tests I would make up and I just couldn't look at it.
It would help if I weren't an extreme perfectionist who hates making bad grades ever. It's a sickness.
It was just i'm gonna make a bad grade daddy's not here i'm lonely my stomach hurts mom please don't leave why am i such a pessimistic loser my stomach hurts please come home Dad.
And this is the really really really sad part.
My Dad left me on Friday.
I read my Bible.
I said my prayers for meals and before bed.
Mom and I talked about needing God to help us through hard times.
...
I didn't lean on God.
And if I had truly leaned on Him, given Him all my burdens to carry, maybe I wouldn't have made myself sick.
Maybe I could have made a few more people happy instead of making everyone feel bad for me, when truly my Dad is the one they should be truly worried about.
Maybe this break-up wouldn't be so hard if I were more accepting of God's will.
Maybe I'd be a better best friend.
Maybe I wouldn't let my Mom down.
Maybe I would be a better example to my little sister.
Or maybe, I would have been able to see the example of my sister, who has taken everything in stride with God in mind.
I'm ashamed to say that yes, I did think about these things before now.
But I was wallowing in self pity.
I thought well Shauna Blake Baker doesn't have hard times like this. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. Why is everything happening to me? Why can't I just be happy anymore? Why won't God let me be happy?
And truth is, I was the one making myself sick and miserable all the while.
Even looking back on this blog I'm overwhelmed at my uses of personal pronouns.
I would delete it now but I want you all to see that yes, I can be self-absorbed sometimes because I'm human.
But that was wrong.
Everything for the past few days has been I FEEL SICK and I AM LONELY and I NEED ATTENTION. But truly all I needed was to mend my relationship with God.
All I needed to do was just breathe, and relax, and stop stressing over things I can't change.
And STOP thinking I'm the only person in this whole world who deserves to be happy.
My mom deserved to be happy, but she has to drive back and forth every day to see my dad with tubes coming in and out of him, and then see my crying over my little problems.
My dad deserves to be happy, but HE has to be in Birmingham away from his family and in tons of pain and not able to play tennis for months.
My grandparents deserve to be happy and not worry over whether their son will be home anytime soon.
Everyone who has called me, everyone who has checked up on me and my family, everyone who has prayed for us, they deserve the satisfaction of my thanks. Not my pessimism. They haven't done anything wrong.
So I'm sorry to everyone and to my Heavenly Father, who deserves so much more praise and glory than I have given Him. He is forever in control.
And now that all this is behind me, I love my God and I love my family and I just love life and all it's many glorious blessings. I love that trials make me stronger and sorrows always have a way of escape.
And finally, I love myself and that my God made me in His own image. I make mistakes and I've made a whole stinkin' lot these past few days but I'm ready to go into the world and be different and be a soul winner for the cause of my Lord. =)
I've also decided that I will not date until I am married, and that I will never touch Sprite again.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30
1. I cried. I'm still crying.
ReplyDelete2. I'm way more selfish than you.
3. I wish I had that relationship with my dad.
4. I didn't know that your dad was still in the hospital. I thought it was a one day thing. Now I feel really bad. :(
5. That was selfish assuming my feelings were important right then.
6. I like you. I like knowing you. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable because if it does I will stop reading your blog. I know there are some people I wouldn't want to read mine so just tell me honestly. Please?
7. I haven't been leaning on God. I sometimes forget how too. I feel like I'm so far away from leaning on Him that I don't know how to get back. All the while, everyone thinks I do because that's who I pretend to be.
I love knowing you and that you take interest in my random thoughts and selfish feelings. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd if you're right about being selfish then you aren't alone at all, I fall into that trap so many times. But I never perceive you that way.
7. I hate those times when I feel as though others perceive me as more than I am. Just a kid who loves God but sometimes forgets how to sacrifice her life and her needs for His will. You aren't alone in any of these things. In fact, we're in many ways the same.