Saturday, September 25, 2010

question mark

Today has been the weirdest day I've had in a very long time. It wasn't that the events of the day were weird per say, but my reaction to normal day activities and things like that were plum strange. Today was supposed to be pretty special because I went to a youth day in Adamsville, Alabama. Put young Christians with my almost-never-seen boyfriend and lots of singing and I should be one happy girl. But before I ever left, I already missed everyone. Can you miss someone you're staring right in the face? I missed Taylor as soon as I saw him, before we ever spoke, because I knew it would have to end and we'd be apart. I missed all my friends even before the first song was lead. I missed just being and feeling so at home in this place of people with like faith and the support that I felt. I missed it not only in past tense but in future. It was incredibly weird.
When I left it felt as if there were a huge gaping hole that was eating out my insides. I felt sick. I don't have any clue why; I heard 3 great gospel lessons and spent time with people I absolutely love, but I felt horrible. I felt bad and I was angry with no reason at all. I couldn't tell you who in the world I was angry with, more than likely just myself for feeling the way I did. Without going into great detail, I began to doubt everything that was so common knowledge to me before. I questioned all my convictions. It was scary.
I don't know how I went from 5 minutes ago feeling horrible to this random epiphany, but I realized that without trust you'll never feel secure. You can't keep questioning whether people are being truthful because you'll end up hurting them. Part of being a friend is trusting that person to take care of you and care about you. If you always question whether they truly care for you then the trust is broken. I hope I didn't do that.
Today has been one big question mark. I was in a funk and I'm glad I got out.

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