Tuesday, March 8, 2011

knocking down walls

spring break cannot get here any faster.
is that the expression? or spring break cannot get here any slower... because that one makes more sense but i feel like the former is the more conventional phrase. i don't suppose it matters but in my mind things that don't matter sometimes matter more than with the average person. i think it means i'm an analyzer. or just ocd.

i'm kind of an organization junkie. i collect things that are supposed to organize my life and usually they don't. like tupperware boxes in my closets turn into big trash cans that store random stuff i never use but don't want to get rid of. i use my calendar religiously, though. i bought one that has the time tabs on it so i can actually write exactly when something will happen during the day instead of just a big mush of everythingihavetodoontuesday. i like that system a lot better. organized things make me feel good. it's like medicine for my mind.

today i went to a mary kay party and i don't think i've ever had so much fun in all my life. i had my make-up done and bought make-up and hung out with some of the women from church which was just fun in and of itself. i love grown-ups so much. i feel good when i talk to them.

now that my random thoughts have been released i'm ready for something actually kinda deep...

i wish self-esteem weren't such a dependent variable in my life. i wish my confidence were more sturdy. but today it's actually sky high. and i don't think that's cocky at all.

sometimes i try to put conditions on happiness. like i think that if i can make everything around me perfect, then i'll finally be happy. if i can just get this or that. if i'm liked enough. if i'm smart enough. but on days like today, i know everything isn't picture perfect. but it's okay. i'm happier than i have been in a while and it has nothing to do with what i have and everything to do with who i am. happy is waking up in the morning and being alive. happy is being a lover and a giver. happy is seeking to please others before yourself. happy is having Jesus to show you how.

i want to always be happy. and i am. but sometimes the devil builds walls between me and my happiness. he puts up insecurity and jealousy and heartbreak to keep me separated from God and happiness. my life consists of knocking down those walls. and one day, i'll break through the final wall that separates me from eternity. and i'll never ever worry about not being happy again.

"Let not your heart be troubled! You believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself; that where I am, there you may be also."
John 14:1-3

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