Monday, September 6, 2010

perfect Shauna

I'm really not a very good person. Most of the time I think I just lie to myself so I don't have to truly face facts.

[1] I'm incredibly blessed to have a close group of friends to protect me from feeling lonely. This summer at Horizons I didn't have Hannah with me to make me feel safe, so I had to meet all new people which isn't truly hard for me because I like to think that I'm usually pretty friendly with new people. But I also experienced what it's like to sit alone, eat alone, walk alone, go hours without having a true conversation with someone about how you are feeling. I felt what it's like to be in a horrible mood and no one notice. I found out what it was like to be in a large crowd of people and no one realize that you want to cry. And I don't say this to make anyone who went to Horizons feel bad, because I met some wonderful people who were so nice and such an encouragement to me. I'm just saying that sometimes I didn't feel like I quite fit in anywhere. And even after that experience which should have truly changed my life like it did so many people, I can still sit at lunch with my group of friends surrounding me and closing me off from the rest of the world, and let kids who are probably not bad people and probably have a lot of interesting things to say, sit alone. They haven't done anything wrong, if they've ever said a word to me it was probably very kind and had a nice smile to go along with it. They are just as worthy as anyone else to have a group of friends ask them how their day is going and make them laugh. But even though I witness this every single day I still don't go sit with them. I never ask strangers how their day is going or if I can sit with them at lunch or make them feel worthwhile. I put myself on this high pedestal with my group of friends and act as if everyone else is too far below to reach. That's so horrible and I know I need to change it. I say all the time about how much I hate high school, I hate hate hate all the drama and immaturity. But really I think I just hate what high school is doing to me, or rather who I'm letting myself be turned into. I don't like her.

[2] I'm not as close to God as I could be. I want to put on a show for the world that says "Look at me, I'm a wonderful Christian" but that's an extremely dangerous thing to do while you sit idly and don't work for the Lord because then whoever is looking at you is thinking that Christianity doesn't include working, but that's so wrong. Christianity is all about working. And I haven't been. I've let myself fall into that rut of going to church and saying prayers and doing motions. But I let lonely kids be lonely. I let teenagers talk about other teenagers in the most horrible ways, and sometimes I might even pitch in. I want to think it's enough to just let bad things happen and claim to have no involvement instead of actively trying to stop bad things from happening. And so I'm not the Christian that I want to be. Which is such a scary thing, because life is so short and I don't have time to be not the right kind of person that I need to be. I want heaven more than I want life, and that's so hypocritical for me to say under the circumstances. But I know that part of being a Christian is making mistakes and OH BOY have I had enough of those. I don't think it bothers me so much that I've messed up, because I'm always going to do that, but I want to put on a pretty show for the world to make it think that I'm perfect. I'm sure I've failed miserably and I need to just stop trying and be completely honest with myself and everyone else and especially God. But God is so forgiving and even while I'm getting lost in this crazy world He still maintains control of the world. He's never shaken like I am. He's steady as a rock.
Also there are so many people that are sick and can't come to worship and I know I should be sending cards and going to visit them instead of wasting time but I just sit at home telling myself how exhausted I am and that I don't have any time to do anything. And there are people that I see every single day that used to worship God but they haven't been in a long time and I haven't said a single word about it to them. I'm letting myself get so scared of them rejecting me and forget that I need to be more worried about their soul than how much they like me.

My problem is opinions. I care too much about being a crowd pleaser and not enough about pleasing God, because that's really the only opinion that matters but I don't realize that.

That's all for now, sorry for my rambling.

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