Monday, February 28, 2011

stream of consciousness

Earlier I went to a County Commission meeting and I got all dressed up (which was completely unnecessary but I like to dress up and mom said it'd be good if I looked nice) and went in to observe. It wasn't exactly a willful decision because it's a requirement for our youth leadership program, but it turned out to be not bad at all. Of course it only lasted 10 minutes so I can't really say this was a huge accomplishment for me, I might have been bored to tears if it had been any longer. But my favorite part was at the end when all the commissioners came over to us and shook our hands and we introduced ourselves. I love to meet people older than me. I felt so growny telling them all my name. I have a fascination with meeting adults, honestly... mostly because I can't wait to feel like I'm completely a part of their world. For a moment I felt like a professional adult, shaking hands and exchanging how-you-do's. It was a very self-satisfying feeling, although they might not have realized how exciting that was for me. I can't wait to be taken seriously. I might even go into politics one day.
Afterwards I had the sudden urge to be anywhere but home. Home is where I'd become casual again, just a teenage girl on a Monday night watching television and blogging about her melodramatic life. I wanted to go out in my khakis and dress shoes and pretty cardigan and pretend to be someone else for a while, someone unfamiliar but powerful and authoritative and respected. I place way too much emphasis on the world's opinion of me, I have to admit. I obsess over being the kind of person people will like. I want to be respected and influential to people... it seems so completely selfish when I am trying to put this into words. I suppose it is pretty selfish, to want so much to be liked... but I want it for other's benefit, too. I want someone to say in the last few minutes of their life that Shauna Baker was someone they never forgot, someone that changed their life for the better.
I want a family one day. I want to raise children and be the most caring mother they could ever know. But not too soft. I want to guide and be respected. I want to be the parent that doesn't have to punish their kids, because just the fear of disappointing me is enough to keep them out of trouble. I want a house that's always clean enough for surprise visitors, but comfty. Not rigid and fragile. I want crayon portraits on the walls, not expensive adornments that have no meaning. I want color and life. I want openness and unity in my home, connection and closeness. I want to be able to hear the music my daughter is playing in the next room. I want to gather in the living room at night because that's where the family feels most at peace, when we're all together and enjoying just being in each other's presence. I want love in my home. Maybe I'm asking for perfection, but if nothing else, there has to be love... flowing from the walls and ceiling and hardwood floors and gathered into each of our hearts.
Before I want a family, I want a husband. I want the man that God made me for, the one for whom I'm to be a helpmeet. I want lazy afternoons reading books and snuggling on the couch. I want little furniture but much planning in our small, familiar home. I want coordination but spontaneity. Colors that don't match but do. I want bible studies and youth rallies and teenagers at our home all the time. I want to be the forever hostess, always welcoming a visitor and never turns away neither a strange nor a familiar face from her home. I want to be loved because I'm godly and virtuous. I want to coordinate events with other Christian ladies... perhaps we'll start a weekly study on how to be godly wives, or how to evangelize, or how to raise faithful children. We can do anything if we have only passion. I want to write a novel and magazine articles and publish heartfelt words for teenage girls to read and grow from. I want to speak at ladies days and be known because I am godly. I want to be wanted for spiritual encouragement. I want to get phone calls in the middle of the night because a young girl needs encouragement. I want to be summoned when a sister in Christ has entered a crisis and needs support and guidance. I want to be the best I can be in everything that I'm good and learn to be good at things that I couldn't begin to do right now. I want to grow and love and be loved and be pleasing to God. I want to make change happen. I want to put a dent in worldliness, one that won't be soon forgotten when my life is over. I want to be a role model through spiritual beauty.
I have big dreams. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the world of being an average teenager but they're always there. I was not called out by God to be an average teenager... Maybe dreaming is a part of that. Or maybe that's just a part of me. But truly, there shouldn't be any distinction.

I love the sky. If someone were to ask me what I felt was God's most masterful and beautiful creation, the sky would immediately come to mind. It's like an indefinite canvas for God's painting, the colors change everyday and is beyond anything any artist could ever create. Anything beautiful that man can create... the ability came from God. I know this because of the beauty of his artwork, the sky and the mountains and the oceans and the intricate details of a tiny flower or human eye. The rivers flow into the oceans that rise into the clouds and wash the Earth again, and this cycle says that God is. The eyes receive an imagine which is then transmitted into the human brain and understood, felt, appreciated, and this process says that God is. The sun rises above the rocky mountain top creating a stream of color, and gradually crescendos into its highest point where the entire Earth is filled with life and color and vibrancy, and then the colors cool as the great light descends into its rest and the purple blue hues tell the Earth goodnight, and the stars twinkle as they awake from their rest and the swollen moonlight casts a heavenly glow on the resting world, and this work of art says that God is.

I wish I could be a bird, flying closer and closer into the warm color of day and the cool comfort of night. Departing in a twinkling and returning after seeing the entire world from a whole different view. Not tied down by any mortal force of gravity, completely free and unrestrained and fearless.

And the best part is that one day, I'll never have to be tied to Earth again. I'll soar on wings of eagles unto the place of eternal rest.

And if God's creation for only a short time is this beautiful, I can only imagine what heaven must be- His ultimate masterpiece.

1 comment:

  1. I want those things too! Except for the speaking at Ladies Days. Haha.

    I'm re-painting the house soon (hopefully) so that it's more that it matches but it doesn't. :D