hello

I am plan b.

who i am

i am a seventeen year old mistake maker and debtor. i am of the all who have "sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" and of those who should receive "the wages of sin, which is death".

but i am set free. because "there is therefore no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus."

i am a Christian. i am a follower of Christ and a student of God's word. i am in Christ Jesus because I am in the church of which He is head, "which is His body"

i have no qualification; i am neither a "baptist" or "methodist" or even a "church-of-christer" Christian, because i find no such qualifications in His Word. however unpopular this idea might be, i find that Christ promised to build His church and that there is "one body", which is His church. my Lord prayed that believers may "all be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in you; that they may also be one in Us" and Paul pleaded to "all who in every place call on the name of Jesus Christ our Lord" that we all "speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment" and what could be classified as division but denominations, which in its very definition mean division?

if this unity were not possible my Savior would not have prayed for it and Paul would not have commanded it through Holy inspiration

and so i belong to Christ Jesus. i do not belong to John Smyth or the pope or John Wesley, for Paul said that he heard of those saying "I am of Paul" or "I am of Apollos" or "I am of Cephas" and Paul asked "Is Christ divided? Was Paul crucified for you? Or were you baptized in the name of Paul?"

these men did not die for my sins and I belong to no one's "church" but Christ's. for i know that "not everyone who says to Me 'Lord, Lord' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven." i am not a member of a denomination, i am a member of Christ's church because "for by one Spirit we were all baptized into one body", Christ's body, the church, in which "there is no condemnation"

i am "a living sacrifice". i am "transformed". i am "a peculiar people".

i am a sinner and saved, an imperfect girl with a Perfect Savior who says "In My Father's house are many mansions... I go to prepare a place for you"

the difference between everything and nothing at all

this summer I've read a whole lot and I realize only two books are represented here but that's because they're both genius. this is my periodical nerd blog so just go with it

"And now the old story has begun to write itself over there," said Carl softly. "Isn't it queer: there are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before; like the larks in this country, that have been singing the same five notes over for thousands of years."
- O Pioneers!


"She often repeated her prayers; not at particular times, but, like the unaffectedly devout, when she desired to pray. Her prayer was always spontaneous, and often ran thus, "O deliver my heart from this fearful gloom and loneliness; send me great love from somewhere, else I shall die."
- The Return of the Native


"The age of modern man is to be measured by the intensity of his history."
- The Return of the Native


"Well, whatever I may have thought, one thing is certain- I do love you- past all compass and description. I love you to oppressiveness- I, who have never before felt more than a pleasant passing fancy for any woman I have ever seen. Let me look right into your moonlit face and dwell on every line and curve in it! Only a few hairbreadths make the difference between this face and faces I have seen many times before I knew you; yet what a difference- the difference between everything and nothing at all."
- The Return of the Native

yale

I got a letter from yale a few months ago and they just sent me a book telling me all about their college and how it's the best of the best of the best and I should go there, and even though it wasn't like "hello, you're amazing and we want to pay you to come here!" it was more like "hello Shauna, we've been notified of your academic achievements blah blah blah it still costs $50,000 per year to come here", still I felt so important because I got a letter with MY name on it from a college, and not just any college but it's stinkin YALE and I could've done a cartwheel, not to brag because they send out stuff like that all the time to all sorts of kids but still, I don't think excitement on receiving it is too cocky of me and if it is well then I apologize and I'll continue talking like it's just me here because basically it is

Has anyone else noticed that was one sentence? I just did, literally, like right now

So obviously my chances at getting into an ivy league school are looking pretty slim but maybe they look for abnormal, creative, insightful people so my paragraph sentence with a good enough argument to explain my reasoning might actually work in my favor. William Faulkner pulled it off so I don't see why periods should be such a big deal when there's such an awesome thought going on, why stop it? I believe insightful thoughts such as that are precisely what would distinguish me at an establishment such as that

But really people, I'm just ready to do something. Like I know I'm supposed to be satisfied with sitting within cement walls learning about things that a) I already know b) the teacher is reading out of a book and I will forget 5 minutes after the test or c) I'm not learning at all, I'm being suffocated by my idleness and feeling completely and utterly useless and can feel my mind actually deteriorating inside of me

Okay maybe that was a bit dramatic but really, that's just not it for me. I'm totally not afraid to go and live in a foreign country when I don't even know the language, or apply to an Ivy League school where I know I'll never be accepted but I just want to try anyway. I want to GO, I don't even care where but just don't try to put any boundaries because I want to go past those

Right now, Freed-Hardeman University is where my heart lies. It's like I have some kind of homing device inside of me screaming "go go go that's where you belong and you can become yourself, you need to be there" and of course it's because it's a Christian university and countless opportunities are there but that isn't even the only reason, I don't even know all the reasons and couldn't name them if I tried, it just feels like home already, like that's exactly where my puzzle piece fits

This life isn't home and I know I'll never be satisfied until I make it to heaven, but I've been given a life on Earth and my sole occupation will NOT be to sit within concrete walls and have my sense of adventure suffocated by the low standards that our society has set for teenagers. Our society pretty much says "yeah, you're a teenager so you're supposed to cheat on tests and get wasted on weekends and LIVE IT UP (i love that expression, that oxymoron just slaps you in the face doesn't it)" but last time I checked the Bible never said "and whilst you are a teenager you shall forsake everything I've commanded Christians to do because you just aren't ready yet, you're a BABY Christian, you don't have responsibilities" nope I'm pretty sure my Lord never said that, in fact He said "GO INTO ALL THE WORLD" and I'm not saying that staying in your hometown for your entire life is a sin, but sitting around being idle and not taking opportunities to glorify God is. and I don't feel bad about saying that

I don't know how in the world I got on the soap box but now I'm back and I took the detoured trip around my point to say this:

Life is more than this. I know it is. God has more for me and I'm ready to go find it.

drifting

people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.

my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before

but maybe i'm drifting, too

tired

Sometimes I wish I could quit life except for things like singings and gospel meetings and youth functions and pretty much devote every moment of my time to being with other christians and that's all

Or in other words, stop being the drum major and high school student and average teenager and member of society and just be a Christian and that's all

But that isn't God's plan and I can't technically be a Christian in this world without living around those who aren't, because one of my commandments is to "go into all the world and teach" and I can't do that from the outside

I'm just ready for heaven

I want to have a walk and talk with Job for a few thousand years and listen to Peter preach a sermon and sing praise to God all day, every day, forever and be in the presence of GOD, the God I love and the God I serve and the God who's going to save me from being just an average high school student

Sometimes I'm just so tired but I'm on the right team and I've already won, and that gives me peace

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.