my happy post

i rarely feel the need to blog when i'm happy, usually i have to be stressed or extremely annoyed or disappointed in society or just generally sad but today let me just tell you what's right

what's right is that there's a lady named barbara at the nursing home who is blind but has a precious soul and i like to hear her play piano, and i have a for real valentine this year who was well worth waiting for, and my family is hilarious and insightful but mostly hilarious such as this scene which I must share

Haley: "Pepper (our adorable shih tzu), you're everything I've ever wanted in a man. You're handsome, brave, loyal..."

Mom: "Short and hairy?"

*exploding laughter from me and mom for about 5 minutes*

also I really really love this song 

and my hair is just the right amount of curly finally so i am just happy in general

:)

cute shoes

i never blog anymore. but maybe that's good because it means life has other things for me to do

i really enjoy blue gatorade. quite obsessively, actually. and cream cheese & chives crackers (and not only because of that amazing alliteration)

and finally an excerpt from one of the greatest conversations ever:
"i hate cute shoes that are uncomfortable! they're so tempting but so evil..."
"yield not to temptation baby!"
"i know! i gotta step it up, resist the shoes and maybe they will flee from my closet..."
"you can wear them to church"
"they need to be in church!"

mr. perfect

so once upon a time, there was a guy who hates scary movies and mayonnaise and calls me beautiful... and lame on other occasions... but he looks real cute in green and always says yes ma'am and holds my hand when we pray and makes me believe that yeah, there might actually be somebody out there MADE for me.

and as for "the end"... well, i'm hoping that isn't anytime soon

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.

a fixed idea

What torture lurks within a single thought   

When grown too constant; and however kind,   

However welcome still, the weary mind

Aches with its presence. Dull remembrance taught   

Remembers on unceasingly; unsought   

The old delight is with us but to find   

That all recurring joy is pain refined,   

Become a habit, and we struggle, caught.   

You lie upon my heart as on a nest,   

Folded in peace, for you can never know   

How crushed I am with having you at rest   

Heavy upon my life. I love you so

You bind my freedom from its rightful quest.   

In mercy lift your drooping wings and go

-amy lowell

beautiful words of the english language:

Effervescent

Evanescent

Quintessential

Wherewithal

"Happiness manifests itself through one act- smiling."

- kyle abernathy

twisted minds of love-struck teenage girls

i'm trying to use this word less frequently but i believe it is appropriate in this instance:
i hate the societal view of dating.

i don't like when girls feel like they have to mold themselves into what they believe the guy wants to see and hear. they'll do anything in their power to be his girl, and they will change everything about themselves to please him. girls are beautiful and unique and so wonderful when they are completely themselves, and no one else. being true to their own hearts should be what attracts a guy, and not their malleability. their mystery and the challenge of winning their heart should cause the guy to fight to be respectable, chivalrous, and kind.

being attracted to a guy is not enough to base a relationship upon.


if he is rude to you before you ever go on a date with him, don't lie to yourself and say he'll change.


i hate how the guys who are after every girl on the planet, completely rude and untrustworthy... their egos are constantly boosted by girls who allow themselves to be sucked into their trap. because she wants to change him. she thinks when he's with her, things will be different.

he will seem different when he's around you, because HE'S AROUND YOU.


that doesn't mean he's a different or better person. it means he's putting up a front. watch what happens when you two don't work out... see if he really changed. he'll go right back to mister jerk pants.

and contrary to what you believe right now, i'm not even singling out one particular instance here. there are tons i know of. including myself.

i'm sick to my stomach when i think of heartache that can be caused by girls that want to reach out to a guy who needs some guidance. he just needs someone to point him in the right direction, once he gives up drugs and alcohol and partying and lying and cursing you're thinking he'll be a wonderful boyfriend.

don't date someone because you feel like you need to take care of them.


girls should feel taken care of in a relationship. not like a mother figure who needs to help this guy let go of all the horrible things that are polluting his life.

i think trying to help people is awesome. but you don't have to be his girlfriend to do that. you're setting yourself up for disappointment.


my stomach aches and aches and aches.

maybe i can just skip the whole dating thing. one day a man will walk up to me, sing me a song with his pretty guitar and quote scripture and i'll just say yes and we'll get married. happily ever after.


girls, please help me. make the guy fight for you. don't give yourself over so easily until you know he knows your value. you're worth more than you believe.

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

bible class a few weeks ago:

jackson: do you have a boyfriend?

me: no, jackson, not at the moment.

jackson: are you sure? what about tyler? *smiles*

me: *laugh* no, tyler and i are just friends.

jackson: but why?

me: well... it's just that we're best friends, that's all. it's hard to explain.

jackson: oh...

me: you like tyler a lot, don't you?

jackson: yeah... *smiles* are you suuuure he's not your boyfriend?

me: positive.

jackson: well, you need to get a boyfriend.

i know where i'm going for advice from here on out

:)

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

i learned

if anyone ever tells you to stop trying
if anyone ever says that you should put your feelings on hold to keep things simple and safe
if anyone ever tries to convince you that you should try to make everyone else happy but yourself
if anyone says you're crazy
if anyone says it'll never work
if anyone tries to tell you how you should feel
if anyone tries to make a decision for you

say thank you
and then, let it go out the other ear

we cannot live in fear of future while neglecting to live our present


beautiful things are waiting to be seen if we'll only trust ourselves enough to let them happen

one day

i'll be brave enough to feel the way my heart is screaming

even when i'm scared

because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved

"i am who i choose to be"

sometimes i think about things that i'm not supposed to. like a dream in the night reminds me that something was here and now it's not. someone was here, and now that someone is somewhere that i don't know nor have the right to know. and it's scary. because the someone somewhere is still reminding me that i want them here, but i can't have them here. i'm not supposed to even think of them anymore but the more i try, the fall gets harder every time. i can't be apathetic. i can't not feel the way that my heart is screaming. it's impossible. it's part of me and undeniably true. i'm not sure where emotions are supposed to draw a line when you're only seventeen. i have a life to live. i don't think i'm supposed to be this restrained by something that feels like love but can't be, because love is perfect and undying and unfailing and constant and true and this doesn't feel like any of those things.

the tooth is gone and the more i try to pretend everything is perfect, my tongue keeps creeping back to that familiar place, where there's now a gaping hole that makes me feel incomplete and a little bit ugly.

i was driving, and my head hurts and all the lights are blinding as the cars pass on the highway and i want to scream at them to stop making it hurt so much. and i think about what i miss and the song that describes my feelings so perfectly, and i think about that song and dissect every lyric and know that it's exactly how i feel. and then, interrupting those thoughts, that very song is selected by random of 300 on my ipod and begins to play and is suffocating in my little car. the song that says "i miss everything about you..." and i park and lean my head back and close my eyes and i can't cry. but i sing the song that says i miss everything about you, even after everything we've been through. i sing and then i go inside and order chinese take-out and take it home to eat while i watch closer, and i lay in bed that night and know that nothing has changed, and i'm afraid that it never will.

stream of consciousness

Earlier I went to a County Commission meeting and I got all dressed up (which was completely unnecessary but I like to dress up and mom said it'd be good if I looked nice) and went in to observe. It wasn't exactly a willful decision because it's a requirement for our youth leadership program, but it turned out to be not bad at all. Of course it only lasted 10 minutes so I can't really say this was a huge accomplishment for me, I might have been bored to tears if it had been any longer. But my favorite part was at the end when all the commissioners came over to us and shook our hands and we introduced ourselves. I love to meet people older than me. I felt so growny telling them all my name. I have a fascination with meeting adults, honestly... mostly because I can't wait to feel like I'm completely a part of their world. For a moment I felt like a professional adult, shaking hands and exchanging how-you-do's. It was a very self-satisfying feeling, although they might not have realized how exciting that was for me. I can't wait to be taken seriously. I might even go into politics one day.
Afterwards I had the sudden urge to be anywhere but home. Home is where I'd become casual again, just a teenage girl on a Monday night watching television and blogging about her melodramatic life. I wanted to go out in my khakis and dress shoes and pretty cardigan and pretend to be someone else for a while, someone unfamiliar but powerful and authoritative and respected. I place way too much emphasis on the world's opinion of me, I have to admit. I obsess over being the kind of person people will like. I want to be respected and influential to people... it seems so completely selfish when I am trying to put this into words. I suppose it is pretty selfish, to want so much to be liked... but I want it for other's benefit, too. I want someone to say in the last few minutes of their life that Shauna Baker was someone they never forgot, someone that changed their life for the better.
I want a family one day. I want to raise children and be the most caring mother they could ever know. But not too soft. I want to guide and be respected. I want to be the parent that doesn't have to punish their kids, because just the fear of disappointing me is enough to keep them out of trouble. I want a house that's always clean enough for surprise visitors, but comfty. Not rigid and fragile. I want crayon portraits on the walls, not expensive adornments that have no meaning. I want color and life. I want openness and unity in my home, connection and closeness. I want to be able to hear the music my daughter is playing in the next room. I want to gather in the living room at night because that's where the family feels most at peace, when we're all together and enjoying just being in each other's presence. I want love in my home. Maybe I'm asking for perfection, but if nothing else, there has to be love... flowing from the walls and ceiling and hardwood floors and gathered into each of our hearts.
Before I want a family, I want a husband. I want the man that God made me for, the one for whom I'm to be a helpmeet. I want lazy afternoons reading books and snuggling on the couch. I want little furniture but much planning in our small, familiar home. I want coordination but spontaneity. Colors that don't match but do. I want bible studies and youth rallies and teenagers at our home all the time. I want to be the forever hostess, always welcoming a visitor and never turns away neither a strange nor a familiar face from her home. I want to be loved because I'm godly and virtuous. I want to coordinate events with other Christian ladies... perhaps we'll start a weekly study on how to be godly wives, or how to evangelize, or how to raise faithful children. We can do anything if we have only passion. I want to write a novel and magazine articles and publish heartfelt words for teenage girls to read and grow from. I want to speak at ladies days and be known because I am godly. I want to be wanted for spiritual encouragement. I want to get phone calls in the middle of the night because a young girl needs encouragement. I want to be summoned when a sister in Christ has entered a crisis and needs support and guidance. I want to be the best I can be in everything that I'm good and learn to be good at things that I couldn't begin to do right now. I want to grow and love and be loved and be pleasing to God. I want to make change happen. I want to put a dent in worldliness, one that won't be soon forgotten when my life is over. I want to be a role model through spiritual beauty.
I have big dreams. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the world of being an average teenager but they're always there. I was not called out by God to be an average teenager... Maybe dreaming is a part of that. Or maybe that's just a part of me. But truly, there shouldn't be any distinction.

I love the sky. If someone were to ask me what I felt was God's most masterful and beautiful creation, the sky would immediately come to mind. It's like an indefinite canvas for God's painting, the colors change everyday and is beyond anything any artist could ever create. Anything beautiful that man can create... the ability came from God. I know this because of the beauty of his artwork, the sky and the mountains and the oceans and the intricate details of a tiny flower or human eye. The rivers flow into the oceans that rise into the clouds and wash the Earth again, and this cycle says that God is. The eyes receive an imagine which is then transmitted into the human brain and understood, felt, appreciated, and this process says that God is. The sun rises above the rocky mountain top creating a stream of color, and gradually crescendos into its highest point where the entire Earth is filled with life and color and vibrancy, and then the colors cool as the great light descends into its rest and the purple blue hues tell the Earth goodnight, and the stars twinkle as they awake from their rest and the swollen moonlight casts a heavenly glow on the resting world, and this work of art says that God is.

I wish I could be a bird, flying closer and closer into the warm color of day and the cool comfort of night. Departing in a twinkling and returning after seeing the entire world from a whole different view. Not tied down by any mortal force of gravity, completely free and unrestrained and fearless.

And the best part is that one day, I'll never have to be tied to Earth again. I'll soar on wings of eagles unto the place of eternal rest.

And if God's creation for only a short time is this beautiful, I can only imagine what heaven must be- His ultimate masterpiece.

about love and decisions

I am starting with this but if you hate reading and despise even the word "book" then have no fear, I actually have time to express deep thoughts tonight so just skip right on down

3. If you want to know what the book is about and all that then you can go read a review because I really don't get any thrill from writing a whole synopsis but honestly just READ IT because it was adorable.
If you plan to read the book, please skip down past this paragraph because I would hate to spoil the ending for you: I love the unconventional romance, the one where boy and girl don't meet date kiss get engaged have a fight but make-up get married the end. That's very sweet and all but it isn't realistic that all love is that way in the real world. Life doesn't always let us live our ideal fairytale. It has its own story to write and you just have to settle with being the character. Love doesn't follow a pattern. I love the fantastic idea of a man who grows to love a woman unconditionally, even after she has moved away married and had eleven children. He visits her home and befriends her husband and tells her children how in love with their mother he once was (the reader knows that he most definitely still loves her deeply, but perhaps the children didn't notice this). He is never bitter, he is happy simply having her memory, having his past growing up with her and running through the cornfield and down abandoned paths together. That's wonderful to me. Magical, even.
My absolute favorite line from the book is:

"Do you know, Antonia, since I've been away, I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I'd have liked to have you for a sweetheart, or a wife, or my mother or my sister- anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes, all my tastes, hundreds of times when I don't realize it. You really are a part of me."


I believe at that point was when I was the closest to tears. To think of how someone can love so much, in no particular sense, as in a friend or lover or any other stereotypical relationship between people, but simply for themselves. To simply know that someone is such a part of your life, not because of who they are but because of who you are because of them. It's beautiful.

Okay, so that's book number three this year. Time for a subject chance.
I'm very indecisive. You've noticed, I'm very sure. I change my mind constantly, it's quite scary to tell you the truth. I've made it a point to wait at least one week after forming an opinion before I make any life altering decisions. I think this system will work quite nicely. If I made rash decisions based on my fleeting changes of opinion then I probably would have quit band during marching season and I'd be miserable now. I could be homeschooled and I would miss school and the people there terribly. I would either be dating someone I really didn't like or I'd have to break-up after realizing that I was completely crazy at the time of initiating that relationship, and I might lose great friends in the process. So you see that this is a very dangerous characteristic that I possess. It's powerful. I feel like I'm holding a lethal weapon and I have to handle it very carefully. But that's a bit dramatic I guess.

I'm not on the tennis team anymore. That was a very scary decision to make. But I waited a long time, I thought about it forever and ever and asked the opinion of pretty much everyone I knew. People I was close to like Matt was just like "Shauna, you need to quit" and I really appreciated that honest opinion that he gives me. I don't like "listen to your heart" or "just do what makes you happy", though I'm very thankful to those that gave me that advice. It just wasn't quite the kick in the rear that I needed.

So now I have time, and I get to do new things with it, and that excites me. I want to take pictures read books go to youth days play guitar go to soccer games and all those things I really don't have a lot of time for. It's very very exciting to have time.

I love my mom. I respect her opinion more than anyone else. She can see right through me, and I don't like it sometimes but she knows how to tell me exactly what I don't want to hear but I know is true. I really appreciate that. Tonight we went walking and talked for an hour about her high school boyfriends and I laughed until I thought I would cry, those are my favorite chats. Anytime I am feeling indecisive I talk to Mom and she always gets it right. She can give me the facts of the situation without having to give me her opinion, and that way it's all my decision but she helps things be so much clearer. I don't tell her enough that I love her.

I think my random thoughts have ceased

valentine

It has been brought to my attention that I don't have a boyfriend. Which I was aware of.
It has also been brought to my attention (by someone that I love to death) that I don't have a boyfriend because every time I meet someone I really enjoy being around, I become their best friend instead. And then I feel like we're too close of friends for it to be anything more.
Yeah... talk about a punch in the stomach. Because it's totally true.

I was going to vent. But then this would turn into some average melodramatic teen blog where the girl seems to feel that she is the only being on the planet and that she's miserable and lonely and being single is the worst curse anyone could ever have. And I'm not gonna do that, because I like to think there's a bigger picture that I can focus on. Me being single < starving children all over the world. Me being lonely sometimes < losing someone I love. Me having two guy best friends > me having no friends at all. And then being single doesn't seem so bad.

I really want to be loved one day. Get married and have four kids and a great dane with an oxymoronic name (such as Tiny) and a big front porch and a library and a husband to play guitar and sing for me. But I'm not spazzing out because I don't have that yet, nor anything close to it.
I've got a life to live, there's no need to think that every good thing has to happen all at once. I have a lot of good things now and I'll be blessed with many good things to come. God knows what plans He has for me.

Even while I'm trying to throw all these optimistic punches at my bad mood sometimes the truth leaks through. It's scary to think that maybe I push people away. Maybe I'm so afraid of the word love that I overuse it in the friend sense and that way it won't surprise me and that person will already be used to the idea, and so I'm in friend zone forever and ever. Because apparently once you become such good friends with someone, you can't be anything other than just that- best friends. That's my completely illogical way of thinking, anyway. But maybe it's not an accident. Maybe it's a subconscious defense to being hurt/being the hurter. I hate the last one most of all.

I feel completely ridiculous. But I wouldn't be an honest blogger if I didn't express these worries, and what kind of blogger does that make me? The sugar coating kind. The kind who doesn't want anyone to think she has a kink in her self-esteem.

I WORRY ABOUT NEVER GETTING MARRIED

There. But I'm a teenage girl. We're allowed. It's our privilege.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna go around and sulk all the time because I don't have a boyfriend. It means sometimes I think. I ponder things.
But I can still be a happy gal.
Letting one person control our happiness is a scary situation in and of itself. Trust me.
Maybe I should skip on to something cute.

I received one valentine present from Tyler aka best friend and he's a frog and his name is Clyde. I love both of them, a whole lot

i like watching old movies set in the late 19th-early 20th century when girls wore pretty dresses all day long, even just to eat breakfast, and it was a scandal to show your kneecaps and boys had to actually court them, like asking them to go for a drive and that's exactly what they meant to do, or take them out on a boat ride and discuss literature and current events, or go to parties where dancing was simply scurrying about the room perhaps with your hand on his shoulder, and it was considered extremely forward to try to even hold the girl's hand and the guy had to pretty much devote his whole life to courting her and impressing her and maybe if he proves himself well enough she might kiss him on the cheek, or maybe not but he'll keep on trying and will make her feel like a princess because he feels that's what she deserves

i still think girls deserve that

life is beautiful

Life won't always go your way

And that won't ever change

But you'll find blessings in the clouds 

And you'll find mercy in the rain 

And you'll have heartache down the road 

And tears shed from a broken soul 

But joy will seek you out and give you hope 

Like candles' lights in darkened rooms 

And how you sacrifice and try to make things right 

Is the whole world happy but you 

But hungry children cry while thirsty siblings die 

How did this life become so cruel 

And then the questions come and rare are answers known 

But this is still worth pushing through 

Cause every smile shown 

And Every laughing moment 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

And I am guilty just like you 

And I will never save myself 

And all my formulas and secret recipes 

Will never take away the pain 

But I'll find healing in His wounds 

And I'll find warmth in lover's eyes 

Cause every drop of blood 

And every tear that's cried 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

Confirms that we are beautiful 

Confirms that you are beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

With you

- The Icarus Account

my favorite

My new favorite thing to listen to: http://stereomood.com/mood/calm. It's a playlist of calming music. Right now I'm listening to a piano piece and I feel like such a loser because I'm like tearing up. It's so beautiful. I think my two favorite instruments to listen to are solo piano pieces, and acoustic guitar. Both are just so calming and pure and true. I know why I love music, and it's all about emotion. Music expresses emotions that transcend words... That's so cliche but I believe it with my whole heart. I could spend my entire life dedicated to making music (aside from being a Christian of course) and be completely content. But I don't ever want my career to be just that because then it isn't just a passion anymore, it's my job and it becomes monotonous and a daily task instead of just an impulsive reaction to daily things, like when I have a bad day and so I decide to sit down and play guitar and suddenly everything feels so much lighter and I can breathe again. I'm afraid if I ever pursue music as a career I will forget to use music as an escape too, because then I won't be escaping from anything because I do it all day every day anyway... That might not make sense but this is mostly for me and I know what I'm talking about. I know I have to marry somebody who loves music just as much as I do because I'm so passionate about it that to someone that isn't passionate about it I'm sure it would be extremely annoying to live with. Even the most agreeable husband in the world (which is by the way another trait that is definitely on the checklist for my future husband, since I'm potentially annoying sometimes) is gonna tell me to shut up singing eventually if he doesn't love music like I do. A regular person wouldn't want to hear me singing all day every day for the rest of their lives but a music lover wouldn't mind, hopefully. If he does then I guess I'll just have to pick between either my music or him, and I'm sure he wouldn't like how that decision is going to turn out because music wins even if he's the most gorgeous creature in the universe. 
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.

eleven

days to look forward to/days I hope will occur in 2011

1. the day I'm legal and the world takes me seriously

2. the day that I go back to Indian Creek Youth Camp

3. the day that Project 7 Days gets 1 million signatures and creationism is brought back into our schools (might take over a year but I'm excited nonetheless)

4. the day I meet my somebody who is gonna actually love me and treat me like somebody and make me see my true worth

5. the day I get accepted into Freed-Hardeman with a solid foundation (a good scholarship)

6. the day Jason Reeves releases his "Lovesick" album

7. the day I finally read House Rules by Jodi Picoult

8. the day I become a SENIOR

9. the day that I can eat anything and not get fat (not gonna happen)

10. the day that I feel I've changed a child's life

11. the day that I'm at Exposure 2011 singing praise to God and I realize that the past year has not been a waste, but that I'm stronger in Christ and I've been beneficial to His kingdom in the past year.

people that changed me in 2010

1. paige jelks

2. every soul who sang on that night of worship (december 29th) and encouraged me to "be mine no more" and give my life back to God

3. hannah elizabeth cooper

4. my mother, father, sister

5. the apostle peter (made me realize that I can make mistakes and still be a precious child of God)

6. highway 9 church of Christ, and the jacksonville church of Christ youth group

7. mary butterworth and kathryn clark

8. jessica mccord

9. kristin clevenger

10. anyone who made a stand for the faith while I was silent, and taught me to be unashamed

11. the ones who get left out, the outcasts who sit at lunch alone, those that have learned how to be unliked and are not afraid to be unpopular, those who are secure in their abnormalities compared with worldliness and are proud to be different,  those who are braver than me to be who they are and try to please no one but God almighty even if the whole world is against them.

things I wish I could take back from 2010

1. not going to 5th session backwoods

2. being in the Bible less than I should

3. being a wimp when it comes to standing up for the faith

4. getting off my diet

5. falling in love

6. stressing over small things

7. missing out on the little moments

8. gossip

9. not finishing books I started

10. missing RUSH at freed-hardeman

11. complaints

things I did right in 2010

1. wrote my sister a song

2. left bad friends for better ones

3. made my life right with God before it was too late

4. painted my walls blue and traded my humongous bed for a futon

5. bought my guitar

6. told hannah everything

7. remained a friend to someone even though it caused heartache

8. wrote my first blog

9. fell in love... yes, that's a contradiction

10. let my mom be my example

11. tried out for drum major

things I will try to do in 2011

1. keep on doing the things I did right in 2010

2. be healthy and active, but happy with myself when I'm lazy too

3. measure success by my insides and not my outsides

4. conquer my addiction with constant socialization and be happy with just me and my Bible sometimes

5. don't sweat the small stuff

6. don't complain/be more content

7. keep a smile on even when it's hard

8. lean on God

9. love without restraint or boundaries

10. have patience

11. practice to become better at everything I do, but don't stress if I'm not the best at it

songs that describe 2010 for me

1. someone somewhere, jason reeves 

2. miserably loving you, artist vs. poet 

3. god gave me you, dave barnes

4. i want to hold your hand, beatles

5. let's just fall in love again, jason castro

6. beautiful disaster, jon mclaughlin

7. if this was a movie, taylor swift

8. haven't met you yet, michael buble'

9. if you're gone, matchbox 20

10. your love is a song, switchfoot

11. something beautiful, needtobreathe

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

and I won't let a second of it go to waste.