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i'm in love. i'm so in love and i'm ashamed that it took reading a book to re-convince me of just how deeply and irrevocably and undeniably i am in love.
i am in love with God. my God is the God who created everything. did you catch that? my God created everything. the breath you and i just took simultaneously, he gave us that. your brain cells and the billions of universes that exist and every cell contained in one square inch of your skin. thousands of species of trees and birds and bananas and everything you've ever seen, thought, or felt. my God was the mastermind behind it all. and i love Him.
why do i sometimes forget how privileged i am to serve Him? why does it become "i have to study, i have to pray, i have to worship" like i'm checking off my to-do list for the things-i-have-to-do-to-go-to-heaven. when did being a christian become more about making it to heaven and less about being completely and utterly in love with the One who created it all? being unable to imagine an eternity that was not filled with Him?

"The critical question for our generation- and for every generation- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

that paragraph scared me when i read it. how could i forget that? how could i go on dreaming about heaven and being frightened by hell and doing all these necessary things in my life to reach for one and avoid the other, but completely forget the love that God deserves and demands from His followers? God DESIRES that i love Him. me, little old shauna blake baker with the laugh that explodes at inappropriate times and the unhealthy stress level... God wants me to love Him. and He loves me. and oh, I cannot understand it but He loves me so much. and I'm in love with Him.

i hope i never forget this. i'm putting it in writing so that i will have somewhere to go, something to read my thoughts while i was so on fire for God that it hurts. because i'm not like this all the time. but oh, i want to be. i want want want to love more and more and more until i have nothing left to give and then, i want to give it all. i want to be vulnerably and defenselessly in love with God, so that the only thing i have to protect me from life is Him.

i want to be ready to die all the time. i want to look at my things and laugh at myself for collecting such an array of stuff that profits me nothing. i want to live like i'm ready to die so that i can finally live. what about heaven. i want to know what my mind will think the very second i enter the gates. what is the first thought that will enter my mind when i am finally in heaven? when i'm finally home? in times like this i want to be there so much and at other times my fleshly mind forgets that my laptop and estelle my cute little car and all the books on my shelf and the purses i buy even when i know i already own thirty, all those things are here like a vapor and then they will vanish. and what will be left? my love for God. that will be with me. that's the only possession that I can hold onto forever. my soul inside that aches to find it's Maker. the calling inside me that's always longing for home.

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

bucket list

This weekend was possibly the two best consecutive days of my entire life.
Event one: Tyler Garrett was baptized into Christ on Saturday. My best friend, other than Hannah. The person I tell everything, even the things I'm ashamed of. The one everyone assumes I'm dating even though we're not and that gets on our nerves, but not too much. The one who heard my cousin preach about Jesus at my birthday party and began attending worship with me and then the past Saturday night, he heard a sermon and it just clicked, and it was the most amazing thing I believe I've ever witnessed. I don't in any way take credit for it... it was all part of God's masterful, wonderful plan. God is so almighty. At times like these when I try to put characteristics upon God, I can't do it. Because He just Is. He is All and in All. And His word touched Tyler's heart and upon hearing a few lessons, he was already convicted and convinced and CONVERTED to serving God. I can't wait to serve together. I can't even put a level of happiness with this. It's immeasurable. Thank you thank you thank you Lord.
Seeing his face reminded me of what it is to be new. To feel completely whole. Like you were wearing a scarlet robe and you arise white as snow. Clean and pure. Fresh and new and perfect, in God. IT'S SO AMAZING to see that look in someone's eyes. I want to talk more about this but I have so many things to say. I'm overloaded with lack of blogging.

This is named bucket list because I spent a lot of my weekend with Chris and Melissa, they opened their home to us and were so hospitable and I had the most amazing time. I wanted to load up all their books in Estelle and drive home with them. Thoreau, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, numerous biblical references, philisophical books and books just for fun... Melissa and I are definitely going to start sharing because we seriously talked for about an hour about just books. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a conversation so much on that topic.
When I went into their office (Melissa will see this and so yes, I was nosy and found this so I hope you don't mind) I saw they had both posted a bucket list and several points were highlighted which they had already accomplished. I was touched to see that 99% of their lists had to do with their relationships with God and each other. I came home in a frenzy to clean my room and organize everything all cutesy and put all my books on the shelf, and then I decided I needed to do a bucket list of my own since I've had a mental bucket list for quite a while I suppose. I don't have that best friend who just so happens to be my husband, and I don't get to be a housewife yet and spend lots of time reading books and cooking and being a youth minister's wife, but that life seems to be so amazing and fulfilling and I really hope and believe that Melissa loves it. I'm sure sometimes it isn't easy but I'm in love with the idea.

Shauna's bucket list.
1. write a book
2. convert someone to Christ
3. marry the most godly man I know
4. be the best wife that he could ever dream of
5. write for a Christian woman magazine
6. own a super expensive camera
7. read the whole bible
8. maintain organization wherever I live
9. be able to compare my life with that of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31
10. keep my house clean and welcome unannounced visitors
11. visit Italy
12. develop the art of home-cooking
13. learn to sew
14. read every classic novel
15. go on a mission trip
16. read a book twice
17. be a cool mom
18. learn to play guitar well
19. own a great dane
20. have the same best friend for 20 years
21. be a maid of honor
22. get paid to do something I love
23. be a housewife
24. have a home library
25. write music that brings someone to tears
26. learn to play piano
27. be a role model to someone and completely unaware of it
28. do something truly good for someone without seeking any recognition or praise, but only for the sake of doing it
29. experience life from the eyes of someone less fortunate
30. adopt a child

I had so much to say but this takes up so much time and I'm on a reading and organization kick

eleven

days to look forward to/days I hope will occur in 2011

1. the day I'm legal and the world takes me seriously

2. the day that I go back to Indian Creek Youth Camp

3. the day that Project 7 Days gets 1 million signatures and creationism is brought back into our schools (might take over a year but I'm excited nonetheless)

4. the day I meet my somebody who is gonna actually love me and treat me like somebody and make me see my true worth

5. the day I get accepted into Freed-Hardeman with a solid foundation (a good scholarship)

6. the day Jason Reeves releases his "Lovesick" album

7. the day I finally read House Rules by Jodi Picoult

8. the day I become a SENIOR

9. the day that I can eat anything and not get fat (not gonna happen)

10. the day that I feel I've changed a child's life

11. the day that I'm at Exposure 2011 singing praise to God and I realize that the past year has not been a waste, but that I'm stronger in Christ and I've been beneficial to His kingdom in the past year.

people that changed me in 2010

1. paige jelks

2. every soul who sang on that night of worship (december 29th) and encouraged me to "be mine no more" and give my life back to God

3. hannah elizabeth cooper

4. my mother, father, sister

5. the apostle peter (made me realize that I can make mistakes and still be a precious child of God)

6. highway 9 church of Christ, and the jacksonville church of Christ youth group

7. mary butterworth and kathryn clark

8. jessica mccord

9. kristin clevenger

10. anyone who made a stand for the faith while I was silent, and taught me to be unashamed

11. the ones who get left out, the outcasts who sit at lunch alone, those that have learned how to be unliked and are not afraid to be unpopular, those who are secure in their abnormalities compared with worldliness and are proud to be different,  those who are braver than me to be who they are and try to please no one but God almighty even if the whole world is against them.

things I wish I could take back from 2010

1. not going to 5th session backwoods

2. being in the Bible less than I should

3. being a wimp when it comes to standing up for the faith

4. getting off my diet

5. falling in love

6. stressing over small things

7. missing out on the little moments

8. gossip

9. not finishing books I started

10. missing RUSH at freed-hardeman

11. complaints

things I did right in 2010

1. wrote my sister a song

2. left bad friends for better ones

3. made my life right with God before it was too late

4. painted my walls blue and traded my humongous bed for a futon

5. bought my guitar

6. told hannah everything

7. remained a friend to someone even though it caused heartache

8. wrote my first blog

9. fell in love... yes, that's a contradiction

10. let my mom be my example

11. tried out for drum major

things I will try to do in 2011

1. keep on doing the things I did right in 2010

2. be healthy and active, but happy with myself when I'm lazy too

3. measure success by my insides and not my outsides

4. conquer my addiction with constant socialization and be happy with just me and my Bible sometimes

5. don't sweat the small stuff

6. don't complain/be more content

7. keep a smile on even when it's hard

8. lean on God

9. love without restraint or boundaries

10. have patience

11. practice to become better at everything I do, but don't stress if I'm not the best at it

songs that describe 2010 for me

1. someone somewhere, jason reeves 

2. miserably loving you, artist vs. poet 

3. god gave me you, dave barnes

4. i want to hold your hand, beatles

5. let's just fall in love again, jason castro

6. beautiful disaster, jon mclaughlin

7. if this was a movie, taylor swift

8. haven't met you yet, michael buble'

9. if you're gone, matchbox 20

10. your love is a song, switchfoot

11. something beautiful, needtobreathe

today is the first day of the rest of my life.

and I won't let a second of it go to waste.

day one

Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.

But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.

Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.

It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.

I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.

The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.

Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.

"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31, 35-39

beginning

Today was... well, indescribable. I can't perfectly explain all the perfect assets which made it one of the greatest days ever. It simply was, and there's no denying that God's hand was at work every minute.

That's why I'm making a change. Beginning with this blog.

Maybe you paid attention and noted that on the little tabby thing below your task bar where it used to say "photographs and memories" (a name derived from a song by Jason Reeves, whose lyrics just so happen to describe my every emotion in perfect clarity; however this title had no special significance at the time, other than the fact that it's a beautiful song and the name sort of had a nice ring to it so I picked it but now I've begun an era of deep thinking), I have hereby changed the name of this blog to "on wings". Forever and ever. Because it isn't about me or my life or my problems (actually it is. my posts usually are silly irrelevant stories or thoughts that I wanted to let loose out of my brain, but stating it this way helps me to better understand the big picture). It really shouldn't be all about me. If I'm striving to be a godly influence with every aspect of my daily life, then this blog should be about the reader. It should be about maybe, hopefully, touching someone. Helping someone. It should be about the souls.

Yesterday I heard a song entitled "Something Beautiful" by needtobreathe.

The very first time I heard this song, I experienced every emotion. I wanted to laugh and cry; I was awestruck at this simple message which describes me, and probably all of us, in such great clarity.
We all want to experience something in our lives that truly takes our breath away, and captures us. We want that natural contentment that comes from true and explicit happiness. We want to love and be loved effortlessly and perfectly.
 In the video you'll a diverse collection of scenes which the fans saw as truly beautiful. They range from an aged couple still smiling in their perfect companionship, a blond angel swinging on a swing, and a spunky girl running from the safe beach into the oncoming tide. She is completely unafraid and yet her exhilarated heart tells her she is truly terrified. But she keeps running.

Tonight I also saw something beautiful. I saw the marvelous, powerful and perfect gospel of God working in the lives of young people. I saw a large audience take hold of truth and let it take hold of their hearts. I saw a young man in humble repentance, admitting that he was imperfect, letting the tide of relief and forgiveness wash over him, both unafraid and terrified but set free by God's abiding love. That's what makes life beautiful. God's grace makes life beautiful.
In every young child there is an image of God in their innocent faces and forgiving hearts. Every feeling of love that we have is a blessing from God above. The skies which so masterfully paint a beautiful picture overhead are a gift from the heavenly Father, if only we will slow down enough to admire them.

I think my favorite scene from this video is that one lone bird flying across the bright expanse of blue sky. One thing I've always admired about birds is that they seem to have great purpose. They are never in one place for long periods of time; they long to be out in the world, seeing everything in a new light from up above. I'm so jealous of them. There are days when I would give anything to be able to remove myself from the situation that I'm in. To just fly away, untouchable and unbreakable. And then I remember.

"But those who wait on the Lord
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings as eagles.
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

It's quite ironic that right this second, it's 11:11 P.M. I have so earnestly wished for wings of birds in the past, yet all along God was trying to provide for me a way of escape.
So it's no longer about just me, but me and God. Drawing nearer. Learning to wait.

And letting the tide of abiding love wash over me, and set me free on wings of eagles.