in real life

here's shauna in my head: she likes to take long runs to relieve her stress and doesn't ever complain, doesn't let anyone run over her ambitions but kindly speaks her mind with boldness. kids love her and people want her in charge. she can strike up a conversation with anyone and bring it to God within the first few sentences, and knows how to make a statement without saying anything at all. her words are usually few but delicately valuable. she knows when to listen, when to say little and when to comfort with carefully chosen words that soothe. she's practical and happily silent except when words are necessary. she loves with a careful consideration of the costs.


here's shauna in real life: she likes to take runs, usually punctuated by frequent walks, and will usually complain of the heat when she's finished. she has ideas in her head which are spoken boldly to third parties but are carefully and apologetically molded to suit the fancies of others. she believes children are a true blessing and longs to have a family of her own... but finds it difficult to take charge of other children due to chronic pushoverness. people put her in charge because she is easy to agree with (considering her own ideas are usually moderated to suit others) and she finds organization, responsibility and agreeableness to be her strong points. sometimes she avoids casual acquaintances in public because of her distinct dislike and fear of casual conversation (if the conversation can't begin with a hug, you can count on it being extremely awkward). she believes herself to be a good listener and usually has good advice to give, but also seeks advice on every remotely important decision she makes. she loves indefinitely, immeasurably, without boundary or practicality. she possesses a hopelessly romantic spirit whose sole purpose on this earth is to love and be loved with the best she can give.

i find me more and more every time i do one of these

worry

sometimes i worry. actually this is a massive understatement because i always worry. i worry about being late and being early and having smelly feet or bad breath and being too forward to the point of annoyance or too shy to the point of making others uncomfortable, too cocky or uncomfortable in my own skin. i worry about being a disappointment or not realizing my mistakes and whether i look unique or just plain silly. i worry about eating too much or being too lazy or not lazy enough, working myself to death or not being productive.

okay so i'm basically a worry-a-holic, i could probably write a book entitled How to Worry Yourself to Death and make all kinds of money, that is if anyone really desired to learn the art of worrying that i have accomplished and i really do not recommend it

i have a habit of talking all the way around a subject before getting around to it but this is my blog so i think i'm allowed to do that. here is the thought that began this whole deal: i think i worry most about missing chances. like that moment when you're at a crossroads and you can't decide which side belongs to your heart and which side belongs to your logic and if they could possibly be on the same side, and you want to see the end of the road to see where you're going to end up but the thing is you can't do that, you have to choose a path and follow it all the way to the end. i worry about missing an opportunity for beauty. like when you don't want to go somewhere but you do, and then you realize that you would have missed the chance to witness something truly magical? i don't want to miss those moments. but i also worry of being too impulsive (i have a constant inward battle, check out the blogs from april and you will see my impulsiveness which i believe is now overcome with my logic). i don't want to restrain myself so much that i cease to live but i also need stability. who am i? does anyone else constantly wish they could have a list of their own characteristics listed for them so that they could decide how to react in every situation? because i feel like i make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with the person i actually am and more to do with who i want to be at that particular moment, but that changes and suddenly i'm in a circular cycle of not knowing how to react in any situation and not knowing which path to choose because one is labeled excitement and one is labeled security and my brain is so tired that sometimes i think i just close my eyes and walk without deliberation

i couldn't sleep last night because suddenly a road sign was in my head that said this could be awesome and the subscript said "you are happy but you could be happier if you go this way" and it's almost like de ja vu because i feel like i've been down this road before and told myself i wouldn't go again but now it's different scenery and they planted some new daisies and the road i'm on looks like a dead end

so who wins, security or excitement?

i'll let you know when i decide who i am

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

about love and decisions

I am starting with this but if you hate reading and despise even the word "book" then have no fear, I actually have time to express deep thoughts tonight so just skip right on down

3. If you want to know what the book is about and all that then you can go read a review because I really don't get any thrill from writing a whole synopsis but honestly just READ IT because it was adorable.
If you plan to read the book, please skip down past this paragraph because I would hate to spoil the ending for you: I love the unconventional romance, the one where boy and girl don't meet date kiss get engaged have a fight but make-up get married the end. That's very sweet and all but it isn't realistic that all love is that way in the real world. Life doesn't always let us live our ideal fairytale. It has its own story to write and you just have to settle with being the character. Love doesn't follow a pattern. I love the fantastic idea of a man who grows to love a woman unconditionally, even after she has moved away married and had eleven children. He visits her home and befriends her husband and tells her children how in love with their mother he once was (the reader knows that he most definitely still loves her deeply, but perhaps the children didn't notice this). He is never bitter, he is happy simply having her memory, having his past growing up with her and running through the cornfield and down abandoned paths together. That's wonderful to me. Magical, even.
My absolute favorite line from the book is:

"Do you know, Antonia, since I've been away, I think of you more often than of anyone else in this part of the world. I'd have liked to have you for a sweetheart, or a wife, or my mother or my sister- anything that a woman can be to a man. The idea of you is a part of my mind; you influence my likes and dislikes, all my tastes, hundreds of times when I don't realize it. You really are a part of me."


I believe at that point was when I was the closest to tears. To think of how someone can love so much, in no particular sense, as in a friend or lover or any other stereotypical relationship between people, but simply for themselves. To simply know that someone is such a part of your life, not because of who they are but because of who you are because of them. It's beautiful.

Okay, so that's book number three this year. Time for a subject chance.
I'm very indecisive. You've noticed, I'm very sure. I change my mind constantly, it's quite scary to tell you the truth. I've made it a point to wait at least one week after forming an opinion before I make any life altering decisions. I think this system will work quite nicely. If I made rash decisions based on my fleeting changes of opinion then I probably would have quit band during marching season and I'd be miserable now. I could be homeschooled and I would miss school and the people there terribly. I would either be dating someone I really didn't like or I'd have to break-up after realizing that I was completely crazy at the time of initiating that relationship, and I might lose great friends in the process. So you see that this is a very dangerous characteristic that I possess. It's powerful. I feel like I'm holding a lethal weapon and I have to handle it very carefully. But that's a bit dramatic I guess.

I'm not on the tennis team anymore. That was a very scary decision to make. But I waited a long time, I thought about it forever and ever and asked the opinion of pretty much everyone I knew. People I was close to like Matt was just like "Shauna, you need to quit" and I really appreciated that honest opinion that he gives me. I don't like "listen to your heart" or "just do what makes you happy", though I'm very thankful to those that gave me that advice. It just wasn't quite the kick in the rear that I needed.

So now I have time, and I get to do new things with it, and that excites me. I want to take pictures read books go to youth days play guitar go to soccer games and all those things I really don't have a lot of time for. It's very very exciting to have time.

I love my mom. I respect her opinion more than anyone else. She can see right through me, and I don't like it sometimes but she knows how to tell me exactly what I don't want to hear but I know is true. I really appreciate that. Tonight we went walking and talked for an hour about her high school boyfriends and I laughed until I thought I would cry, those are my favorite chats. Anytime I am feeling indecisive I talk to Mom and she always gets it right. She can give me the facts of the situation without having to give me her opinion, and that way it's all my decision but she helps things be so much clearer. I don't tell her enough that I love her.

I think my random thoughts have ceased

indecisive

reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. the tennis team
2. band
3. band
4. band
5. being drum major
5. I would really miss some people. I really would.
6. less opportunity to talk about Jesus and let my light shine
7. I hate being bored
8. I like going places constantly and staying busy
9. I eat a lot when I'm bored, that could be a bad thing
10. I've come this far already

I hate being indecisive. It's really not my favorite quality to say the least.

Tomorrow is Saturday and I'm trying out for All-State (remember in that blog I wrote about how I tend to want to be the best at everything I do and making All-State was one of my goals? I don't know who I'm talking to, I'd be thoroughly amazed if someone has read every single one of these. Anyway it's here (stop stressing shauna baker), just in case you're interested, whoever you are). But I think I'm doing a lot better about the whole not stressing out about every event of my life which involves the teeniest bit of competition because regardless of whether I'm first chair or don't pass scales, life goes on. And so it goes. And afterwards my favorite group of people are coming over to play guitar and help me de-stress and the excitement of seeing them just pretty much trumps any kind of uneasiness I'm feeling about the try-out. It will all be worth it.

I'm really in the mood to read instead of write so this isn't going to be very long, but I want to make it a personal goal to not get into the humdrum of school and life and business and forget what I felt like after Exposure and how on fire for God I was and still am. I hope I never ever forget what that's like again because truly it's such an amazing feeling. I love having hope. I don't understand how anyone can be happy without it. I have a lot to say on this topic but I'll save it for a later date.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:35-39

homeschooled

reasons to be homeschooled:
1. to be able to pick my friends and not be stuffed into an atmosphere with people I just really do not appreciate because of the way they act
2. to work at my own pace and not waste time learning things I already know
3. individual studies of things I'm truly interested in
4. just more time, period
5. you don't have to skip school on snow days and then give up sunny saturdays to make up for it
6. lunch doesn't have to be portable
7. I can listen to Jason Reeves while doing pre-cal, and it won't be so bad
8. there isn't classwork and then a buttload of homework, there's work that lasts for a few hours and then you can do other things with your life
9. learn how to do grown-up things
10. to not have to do make-up work when I go to the doctor
11. get a job, possibly babysitting
12. no more waking up at 5:30
13. I can wear sweatpants and drink coffee all day long
14. nobody cusses at my house
15. I can balance spiritual food and education because of the whole "no wasted time" thing
16. there is no need for busy work that has absolutely no educational value
17. because homeschooled kids are not anti-social, they're some of the happiest and friendliest people I know
18. when I'm sick, I don't do make-up work, I take a day off
19. mission trips
20. playing guitar can actually be considered an elective

reasons to not be homeschooled:
1. band

goofy

I've decided that I have absolutely no desire in life to be average/normal/predictable. How boring is that? Never bringing any new ideas, never doing anything outside the mold. I don't want people to think about me when I'm gone and think "wow, that sure was a great girl. She never did anything to break away, always trying to please the majority. She was a real follower." Uhm no. That's a life wasted.

I'm really really really thankful for the opportunity to be goofy. It's one that I believe more people should take advantage of. Don't take life so seriously. It's gonna end up killing us all, so don't live in fear of it. Be yourself. Be crazy. Dance around.

Okay, right now. Take the absolute most hideous picture of yourself that is possible. It's for you. Come on, just do it. No, you aren't too cool. That's right. Squint your eyes. Stick your tongue out in an unladylike/ungentlemanlike fashion. Don't worry, it's allowed. Now click.

(By the way, how is unladylike a word but ungentlemanlike not a word? Are men are never scrutinized for not acting like gentlemen? Does anyone in our generation even know what a gentleman is anymore? This is quite a sad little revelation I have uncovered.)

Looking back there are a lot of situations in life that I wish I could relive, and have more fun. I could have been that person that cracked a joke and put everyone else at ease. I could have been the optimist. But sometimes I forget that I'm allowed to have fun in bad situations. But it's legal, trust me.

I think I'll start a new routine of inserting silly comments in bad situations. :) This could be potentially annoying but who cares. If you're gonna be a sour puss then you will be a sour puss regardless of whether I approach the situation happily or not.

ALSO I sent in my first college application today! Yes, I am definitely a junior in high school still. Unfortunately. But it was free and Whitney my admissions counselor from Freed said I should apply early, and so I did. I love Freed-Hardeman University. It's such a wonderful Christian atmosphere... I feel like when I'm there every day is camp, which= every day being an enormous powerboost to serve God. I would love to have 4 years of that.
BUT I would also love to go to UA. They have the Million Dollar Band and football and an accredited Journalism and Public Relations program, one of the highest ranked in the nation...
I'm glad I don't have to make this decision right now, because I have no clue what I would do.
I want to put God first and go to Freed but I can also have a strong church family at UA plus more evangelistic opportunities with nonChristians, so I'm not sure if that's putting God first or putting comfort first. I think I could serve God in either environment but the spiritual basis of Freed is just extremely attractive... I have no idea. I'm a mess.
BUT it's all gonna work out for the best. College searches are supposed to be fun, not stressful, and although I am known to be a compulsive stresser I have made the decision to abstain from that, especially in this period of my life which is already high-stress as it is.

I think my thoughts have halted for now. I'm gonna go read, nighty night.

scattered

I'm afraid of this stranger.
I don't know what in the world possessed me to be so brave yesterday but now I'm back to being scared Shauna again...
I planted the Word in his heart, so is that enough?
Do I need to continue to try and feed that initial conversation about God, only to put myself at risk?
The answer would be a no.
N-O.
I'm not gonna be that girl that trusts the wrong person and ends up being hurt.
No thank you.
I'll stick to my friends that I have met in person and I actually trust to be what they say they are.
Sure, you say that you're a teenager, but how should I know?
I'm sure old creepers can learn teenager language. It isn't hard.
And you could have easily enough learned about one of my ex-boyfriends and used him as an excuse.
Which is crazy in itself because I don't think that person would ever give my number away like that.
That's a ludicrous idea.
So no, mister stranger, I will not continue to converse with you.
Even though you said I can call you "Red".
Somehow that is not very comforting.
I can picture a creeper being called "Red."
Why not use your real name? Is it because a nickname isn't as easily checked out?
Is this supposed to make you seem somehow more relatable, because I don't call you by your real name?
No thanks, I'll pass. If you want to meet me you can meet me the real way.

In other news I have a major huge A.P. History test tomorrow that will be worth over 200 points and a list of terms the size of gigantor but somehow I still feel the need to take a blogging break.
This could be an indication of poor prioritizing skills.
I also had a long chat with Hannah but that was necessary because I had to get her advice on this whole stranger situation. She told me that I should be more careful. She always makes so much more sense than I do.
And I know that I'm stressing about this test. I will be stressing about this test even if I stay up all night staring at the terms. I'M A STRESSER. Yes, me. Badly. If I ever had to be sent to therapy that would be my prime reason.
But I'm also a bad person to cope with stress, because I don't do it by studying. Actually I was doing very well until stranger texted me and sent me into a freak-out meltdown and I had to talk to Hannah. Then I knew I should blog to confirm that I was serious about not texting back. When I type it, it's permanent. I can't go back when the words are staring me in the face. Otherwise it was just a decision on instinct and I can go back on my word. But not when I blog it. That's for real.

I have an addiction with caffeine. I don't know if that's what you would call it, because I don't necessarily need caffeine, because it has no effect on me anymore. I've had 6 cups of coffee in the past 2 hours but I still manage to fall asleep while studying A.P. History. I think that's a sign that a) drinking 6 cups of coffee is a much too regular occurrence and b) my mental capacity is not one to easily grasp history. It's not that I don't like history, I just find it hard to retain the information that I read and make application of it. If I can't apply it to NOW then I find it hard to remember facts and dates and people. They seem so unimportant when compared to things that are happening right here and now. But I need to study.

I find myself to be very easily distracted...

I really love rainy days. They are normally most enjoyed when I can enjoy a wonderful book with a great cup of coffee in my favorite sweatpants, but sadly I only got the last 2 parts today. And I don't enjoy the coffee anymore, in fact my head and tummy are screaming at me to stop. But I still love sweatpants. I think they are cute and comfty so why not wear them all the time? Yes I do. :)
When we were in Gatlinburg I went clearance book shopping and bought 9 books for around $25 :D I will have the most epic Christmas break reading extravaganza of all time.

I just lied via blog. I really didn't text the guy back the first time. But then he said I seem like a nice person, and if I don't want to talk anymore it's okay.
I had to preserve that opinion of myself while informing him that it's just way too weird.
Hope no one has turned against me.
I'm still not caving.
I'm trying to picture a scraggly old red-headed creeper man with a big beard that wants me to keep talking to him.
Yep, that helped. You can use that mental image for yourself if you like. It helps.

I'm going to be studious now, sorry for my scattered and sometimes probably unintelligible thoughts.

religious stranger danger

Sometimes I wish I could be as straight-forward with my "friends" and frequent acquaintances about my relationship with Christ as I am with strangers.

stranger: Hey
me: Who is this? 
[Isaiah 40:31] - my signature.
stranger: I just made up this number. Lookin for someone to chat with. I love your signature :)
me: Haha uh well thanks, it's my favorite bible verse! I love being a Christian :)
stranger: Wow, Christian girls are so hard to find! I've been looking for years! I love the Lord Jesus! I've been a christian since I was 5.
me: It's a wonderful life to live. :) The only way to live, actually, that's worthwhile.
stranger: So true :) How long have you been a Christian?
me: I was baptized into Christ when I was 11 years old. :) I was lost in sin, but being clothed with Him I became a new creature. :)
stranger: Awesome :) may I question you on something?
me: Please do! I love questions. :)
stranger: You said "baptized into Christ." I do believe the Bible says baptism does not save you. It's something you do to show that you have been saved by Jesus.
me: Well, that's a very popular opinion in our society, but respectfully I don't think that's what the scriptures teach.
stranger: Oh? Please explain what you believe the bible says.
me: Well, I read in Acts 2:38 of Peter commanding them to repent and be baptized to be forgiven of sins. In 1 Peter 3:21, I read that just as water saved Noah's family, even so we are saved by water through baptism. And Galatians 3:27 says that being baptized into Christ, we put on Christ. There are several other references such as every conversion in the book of Acts included baptism, and the baptism was immediate, not after a long period of time following the person being "saved."


I don't know what happened to the guy. I guess I offended him, he didn't want to hear what I had to say. Maybe he'll come back later to ask more questions.
But basically, that was not hard at all to do.
And I don't say all this to say that I've done some great thing because I really haven't, I should be having these conversations more often. It's my duty as a Christian. I shouldn't treat these conversations like a special event.
Why can't I strike up conversations like that with the lost that I see every single day?
I hope some of them will read this and ask me questions.
I want to be a soul winner.
Not just a "Christian" who puts bible verses on her blogs and fills a pew on Sunday.
Not just a "pretty good" person.
I want someone out there to absolutely hate me because of who I am.
I want them to absolutely dread seeing me every day because they'll have to hear me talk about Jesus.
And I don't say that to say that I want to get on people's nerves with the gospel, because please understand that I don't see how anyone could not heed to it. It's the greatest gift of all, the most wonderful sound in the world.
But I don't want people that hate God to be able to not hate me. That shouldn't be possible.
But maybe I can change their mind.
That's my mission but sometimes I forget.


He came back.

stranger: Many people translate that idea in a different way. Baptism is said to be an outward way of expressing an inward change. The bible doesn't clearly state that to be saved you have to be baptized. First a person is to admit to God that they are a sinner. Believe that Jesus is God's son and he dies to save everyone. Confess your faith in Jesus as Lord. That's where baptism comes in. It's how you publicly say, I have died and have been buried with Christ, and have rose again to walk in newness of life. In other words it's how you say, hey everybody I'm a follower of Christ and I'm not ashamed of it! I don't know these references right off but I have them somewhere.
me: Then at what point are you saved? And could you give me a scripture to go with that?
stranger: I'm looking for the scripture. And as to the point when you're actually saved, that happens when you fall on your face and give it all to God. Ask him to come into your heart and be Lord of your life.
me: A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense. You've quoted some scripture and I can tell you know your Bible. :) But I've looked and I can't find the "sinner's prayer" anywhere in the Bible.
stranger: I've got all my notes and stuff in a mess, hang on I got all the scriptures right here somewhere.
me: Take your time. :)

I want to wear the name Christian on my attitude.
I want to be on fire.
Sometimes I fall into a rut and forget what it's like to truly love God.
To truly trust God, and serve Him with my whole heart.
It's so easy to forget.


I hope I can have an impact on this boy.
Maybe I won't, but I hope I at least do the best job I can.
I want to... wait, he's back.

stranger: Thanks :) I'm looking for my notebook. Why isn't anything ever where I need it?

Uhhh... so I just realized.... how does this person know I'm female?

me: Hey, can I ask you something?


Yeah, they're totally not answering. Can religious conversationalists be creepers? If an old pervert man wanted to come kidnap me would he try to convert me first?
I'm a bit worried.
Scratch that. I'm majorly freaked out.
But I guess if I die I'm dying for the cause of the Lord, so that's a good reason. 
Hey, he's back.

stranger: Oh sorry my dad called a family meeting. What can I do for you?
me: This is an odd question, but... How did you know I was a girl?
stranger: ....... :/ ...i did know that didn't I?
me: You did.


Maybe false doctrine in the religious world is kind of like stranger danger. We teach our kids to never trust someone unfamiliar to us, because they can be dangerous. Even if we think they seem nice enough, harmless enough, the results can be fatal. And if we go for the doctrine that is easiest, coolest, most widely accepted, then sure, we might have friends in this life. We might feel good. But we're putting our souls in serious jeopardy if we go by any doctrine that does not coincide with the Bible.


stranger: Huh... :/... I knew... Interesting.
me: Do you know who I am? Honestly.


I'VE CAUGHT HIM!


stranger: I'm not one to lie. Let's just say you were... Recommended by a friend.
me: Dude, I'm not gonna be mad. Just tell me.
stranger: Oh you sure? Most people would stop talking to me. But this person kinda said that you would kill them if you knew they told me about you.
me: I think I deserve to know who you and "that person" are, at this point.


Wow. Men.
I really wish we could turn this back into a religious conversation.


stranger: Umm... promise me you won't get mad? I'd feel bad if I hurt a friendship. :/
me: Yes, I promise. You aren't, I guess I should be flattered... in a weird way.
stranger: What do you mean? :/
me: Nothing, just tell me please. I'm not mad, see? :) <- smiley face.
stranger: Is there some way this person can not find out I told you this? :)
me: Sure, why not.


Dude... This is getting ridiculous.
Just tell me who you flippin' are.
Oh. My. Lanta.


stranger: Kinda a weird long story but, I met you because of your ex-boyfriend. His name is uhh... starts with a "_" sounds like "___" or something like that :/
[this message has been censored so as to save some poor soul from embarassment]
me: Yes, I did date a guy with that name. And you know me how?
stranger: I was talking to him and he gave me your number and said I should text you cause you're really nice and you can't tell him I told you cause you promised okay?
me: Lol, I promise. I find this quite humorous actually.
stranger: Really? :) How so?
me: No reason. Anyway, don't tell me who you are. Maybe one day you'll want to re-meet me in real life and at that point you probably won't want this conversation remembered. :) But let me know if you have any more religious questions! Sleep tight stranger, I love your soul. :)
stranger: Hmhmhm:) is it ok if I text you again tomorrow? Don't wanna bother you but I would like to finish what we started. :)
me: You can start with that bible verse I asked for, sound cool?
stranger: Sounds awesome:) ..... What verse was that exactly?
me: Scriptures for your opinions on how to be saved.
stranger: Oh yes :) That family meeting cut me off as I was working on that.
me: Kay thanks. :) Bye stranger.
stranger: Bye Shauna :)


I guess the guy isn't a creeper. Hopefully. This is really unlike me but I guess I should sacrifice my personal comfort for the opportunity to evangelize.
I don't know why but the fact that he used my name just made me shiver. I need sleep.
And does anyone know what "Hmhmhm" is supposed to translate to? I thought I knew text talk but this kid is ridiculous...

making polite conversation

Why do I spend more time obsessing over how this page looks rather than the actual words?
Oh, right, because when I'm in a bad mood sometimes I go mad OCD.
Like when I just cleaned the whole house like a madwoman.
I got to my room to clean that, sat down to rest, and decided to tweak and tweak and tweak for 2 hours or so.
So I hope everyone appreciates the size of my font and that my post titles are now in Georgia font, which is apparently direly important to the success of my life.
Hmph.
I think I'll just go strum guitar to death and wait for the motivation I need to finish what I started.
I haven't played guitar in months. Probably because everything else in life is haywire so why should my hobbies be normal?
Why don't I just quit band and unorganize my room and paint my walls black and drink a Coke? Not diet, just regular old coke. The kind with sugar and guilt packed in the little concentrated can.
Then everything will be upside down and maybe things will make more sense.
The thing is that I'm afraid to not be normal. Actually that doesn't even decribe it; I'm afraid to not be the Shauna everyone is used to, because if I change something, what if no one likes it?
What if a Shauna who isn't in band isn't Shauna at all? It's all these little details that defines us.
Now, don't misunderstand; I'm not quitting band. This is just my example. I'm known as band kid. What if I'm not?
What if we all were defined by values instead of facts? Making polite conversation wouldn't be "hello, I'm Shauna. What are your interests? What do you do in your spare time? Where do you live? Where do you plan to go to college and make of the rest of your life?"
Not saying that I don't ask these questions all the time when I don't know what else to say to the person. It's polite conversation. But sometimes I begin to think of why I'm asking these questions, and most of the time it's not because I truly want to remember whether this person likes Basketball or Football better or AL v. AU or where they want to go to college. I just want them to think I'm nice. I want everyone else to think I'm nice, too, so then they'll like me and I'll feel like a nice girl. That's the motivation and it's so off.
I guess these questions are necessary sometimes to get the conversation started. That's true. People need time to get comfortable. But after a polite introduction, usually I walk away because I don't know what else to say and I feel that I've made my point of trying to be friendly.
But those aren't the conversations I'll remember in 30 years and say "ahhh, yeah, that girl sure was a rock hard Alabama fan".
If I were truly concerned for this person, I'd walk up to them, introduce myself, and after polite introduction talk about truly intellectual things. "What is your position on abortion? What is the current state of your soul? Is there a God and why do you believe that way?"
If I hate polite conversation so much, I don't see why it's so hard for me to break away from using it myself.
But maybe I'm crazy and maybe those are ridiculous conversations to have in an early friendship.
But still, when I've known a person for 16 years I don't think it's a crime to ask serious questions that require intellectual thought.
I don't want every day to be "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Yeah, that's fun. Yeah I'm tired. Bye." I don't want to have that kind of relationship with anyone, because they aren't getting any encouragement and I'm not getting encouragement from them and so the effort of making that connection is otherwise pointless. Neither are gaining. It's a lose/lose.
This is probably one of those posts I'll look back on in a few days and wonder what in the world possessed me to type. But I'm stressed stressed stressed and I think this will help. Maybe.
Everyone I used to pour my heart out to is either busy or already stressed enough or just flat out gone. They're gone. And the thing is they're gone from me but no one else. Anyone else could strike up a conversation with them right now, and I could do the same thing I suppose but I'm just scared.
I'm scared that they don't want to talk to me at all and they want a break from me altogether.
Which is scary because if anyone wants a break from talking to me then maybe they don't appreciate talking to me at all, they just endure it until they cannot stand anymore and then they take a break...
I don't want to find out, truly.
Now my brain is out of thoughts so I'm gonna play guitar and drink a Coke...Zero.

question mark

Today has been the weirdest day I've had in a very long time. It wasn't that the events of the day were weird per say, but my reaction to normal day activities and things like that were plum strange. Today was supposed to be pretty special because I went to a youth day in Adamsville, Alabama. Put young Christians with my almost-never-seen boyfriend and lots of singing and I should be one happy girl. But before I ever left, I already missed everyone. Can you miss someone you're staring right in the face? I missed Taylor as soon as I saw him, before we ever spoke, because I knew it would have to end and we'd be apart. I missed all my friends even before the first song was lead. I missed just being and feeling so at home in this place of people with like faith and the support that I felt. I missed it not only in past tense but in future. It was incredibly weird.
When I left it felt as if there were a huge gaping hole that was eating out my insides. I felt sick. I don't have any clue why; I heard 3 great gospel lessons and spent time with people I absolutely love, but I felt horrible. I felt bad and I was angry with no reason at all. I couldn't tell you who in the world I was angry with, more than likely just myself for feeling the way I did. Without going into great detail, I began to doubt everything that was so common knowledge to me before. I questioned all my convictions. It was scary.
I don't know how I went from 5 minutes ago feeling horrible to this random epiphany, but I realized that without trust you'll never feel secure. You can't keep questioning whether people are being truthful because you'll end up hurting them. Part of being a friend is trusting that person to take care of you and care about you. If you always question whether they truly care for you then the trust is broken. I hope I didn't do that.
Today has been one big question mark. I was in a funk and I'm glad I got out.