in real life

here's shauna in my head: she likes to take long runs to relieve her stress and doesn't ever complain, doesn't let anyone run over her ambitions but kindly speaks her mind with boldness. kids love her and people want her in charge. she can strike up a conversation with anyone and bring it to God within the first few sentences, and knows how to make a statement without saying anything at all. her words are usually few but delicately valuable. she knows when to listen, when to say little and when to comfort with carefully chosen words that soothe. she's practical and happily silent except when words are necessary. she loves with a careful consideration of the costs.


here's shauna in real life: she likes to take runs, usually punctuated by frequent walks, and will usually complain of the heat when she's finished. she has ideas in her head which are spoken boldly to third parties but are carefully and apologetically molded to suit the fancies of others. she believes children are a true blessing and longs to have a family of her own... but finds it difficult to take charge of other children due to chronic pushoverness. people put her in charge because she is easy to agree with (considering her own ideas are usually moderated to suit others) and she finds organization, responsibility and agreeableness to be her strong points. sometimes she avoids casual acquaintances in public because of her distinct dislike and fear of casual conversation (if the conversation can't begin with a hug, you can count on it being extremely awkward). she believes herself to be a good listener and usually has good advice to give, but also seeks advice on every remotely important decision she makes. she loves indefinitely, immeasurably, without boundary or practicality. she possesses a hopelessly romantic spirit whose sole purpose on this earth is to love and be loved with the best she can give.

i find me more and more every time i do one of these

freedom

i think i have come to realize that much of my life is spent in constant complaint of the unfairness of our civilization and the distractions that Christians have to constantly face in a nation that is "falling away from God" and slowly God is being removed from every place where He used to belong. perhaps i am so used to the joys of southern american comfort and never having to worry over anything more strenuous than a chemistry test or my iphone dying and now it seems that the silliest discrepancies threaten to completely quench the flame of my faith

certainly i would love to see our nation unite and serve God with all the vigor and excitement of a battlefield but i don't reasonably expect that to happen, and maybe my focus has been a bit strayed. i really believe it has.

i cannot honestly read and examine the scriptures and expect my life to be easy. i am so blessed to be able to even mention God at all to my friends or at school or post scriptures online without fear of imprisonment at best and death at worst. i can't change the world but i can change me and hopefully spark a change in people around me, who might spark a change in people around them, who might be presidents and congressmen and might just change our nation, or our world. i would be ashamed to be in a conversation with paul about hardships and say "well life is just hard because speaking of absolute truth and total submission to God is just really frowned upon in my society and i like for everyone to like me and be comfortable around me" how lame does that sound? hopefully i'm not the only one who does feel that way sometimes though

there are people fighting every second for the right for me to just speak my mind and speak the truth and maybe it's time i stop waiting around watching the world change and waiting for these opportunities to one day be gone

apathy

i'll tell you right now what is poisoning the minds of young people and old people and white people and black people and rich people and poor people you wanna know what it is? APATHY. that's it. it's all about apathy. failing and cheating and stealing and lying and the usual do-nothing-ness is all apathy. i wish i could just stuff some CARE into the brain of every young person. just fill it with a lot of CARE. it doesn't even matter to me what it is, just care about something. care about trees or care about your momma or care about God like i wish everyone would but just stop not caring about anything at all, ever, period. and stop doing things we hate. why do we do the things we hate? when we have a maximum 100 years to live on this earth why in the world would we do anything we absolutely hate when there are a million other things to try that we might love? stop sitting in the desk or on the church pew or on the football field or band field or wherever you go all the time if you don't CARE about it. because for the people that do care it's a very big discouragement to be surrounded by those who don't.

i care about a lot of things and i care about people who don't care and i just want you to know that for pete's sake, there ARE beautiful things in life and things become infinitely more enjoyable if you will just give them a chance. i promise school is bearable when you try not to fail, it can actually be quite pleasant sometimes and sitting on a church pew might be boring but worshipping God with all your heart in spirit and in truth surely isn't. and if you hate band or you hate football or you hate everything about your life, then quit what you're doing and do something you love because you only get one chance at this thing and you might as well give it the best shot you've got

hruoferngheruhoiuerhgoreughnoera i'm done.

yale

I got a letter from yale a few months ago and they just sent me a book telling me all about their college and how it's the best of the best of the best and I should go there, and even though it wasn't like "hello, you're amazing and we want to pay you to come here!" it was more like "hello Shauna, we've been notified of your academic achievements blah blah blah it still costs $50,000 per year to come here", still I felt so important because I got a letter with MY name on it from a college, and not just any college but it's stinkin YALE and I could've done a cartwheel, not to brag because they send out stuff like that all the time to all sorts of kids but still, I don't think excitement on receiving it is too cocky of me and if it is well then I apologize and I'll continue talking like it's just me here because basically it is

Has anyone else noticed that was one sentence? I just did, literally, like right now

So obviously my chances at getting into an ivy league school are looking pretty slim but maybe they look for abnormal, creative, insightful people so my paragraph sentence with a good enough argument to explain my reasoning might actually work in my favor. William Faulkner pulled it off so I don't see why periods should be such a big deal when there's such an awesome thought going on, why stop it? I believe insightful thoughts such as that are precisely what would distinguish me at an establishment such as that

But really people, I'm just ready to do something. Like I know I'm supposed to be satisfied with sitting within cement walls learning about things that a) I already know b) the teacher is reading out of a book and I will forget 5 minutes after the test or c) I'm not learning at all, I'm being suffocated by my idleness and feeling completely and utterly useless and can feel my mind actually deteriorating inside of me

Okay maybe that was a bit dramatic but really, that's just not it for me. I'm totally not afraid to go and live in a foreign country when I don't even know the language, or apply to an Ivy League school where I know I'll never be accepted but I just want to try anyway. I want to GO, I don't even care where but just don't try to put any boundaries because I want to go past those

Right now, Freed-Hardeman University is where my heart lies. It's like I have some kind of homing device inside of me screaming "go go go that's where you belong and you can become yourself, you need to be there" and of course it's because it's a Christian university and countless opportunities are there but that isn't even the only reason, I don't even know all the reasons and couldn't name them if I tried, it just feels like home already, like that's exactly where my puzzle piece fits

This life isn't home and I know I'll never be satisfied until I make it to heaven, but I've been given a life on Earth and my sole occupation will NOT be to sit within concrete walls and have my sense of adventure suffocated by the low standards that our society has set for teenagers. Our society pretty much says "yeah, you're a teenager so you're supposed to cheat on tests and get wasted on weekends and LIVE IT UP (i love that expression, that oxymoron just slaps you in the face doesn't it)" but last time I checked the Bible never said "and whilst you are a teenager you shall forsake everything I've commanded Christians to do because you just aren't ready yet, you're a BABY Christian, you don't have responsibilities" nope I'm pretty sure my Lord never said that, in fact He said "GO INTO ALL THE WORLD" and I'm not saying that staying in your hometown for your entire life is a sin, but sitting around being idle and not taking opportunities to glorify God is. and I don't feel bad about saying that

I don't know how in the world I got on the soap box but now I'm back and I took the detoured trip around my point to say this:

Life is more than this. I know it is. God has more for me and I'm ready to go find it.

drifting

people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.

my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before

but maybe i'm drifting, too

things

things i should have learned by now

1. you will never be the perfect age. being 13 seems inferior to being 17 and being 17 seems inferior to being out of high school already and i'm sure once i graduate i'll feel like a grandma and want to go back but i will be stuck. but i always wish anyway

2. the perfect person does not exist, no matter how hard you look. and the more you seek a perfect person the more you push the wonderful imperfect people away

3. i can't grow closer to anyone, much less God, without communication

4. blogging feels good but it doesn't solve all of life's problems

5. i can't always make it by myself even though i want to be independent and feel like super girl, it just can't happen because i'm too emotional and i cry about nothing and i need people

6. it's really okay to text guys first every once in a while. even though it feels like a sin

7. being a good friend requires work, you can't be a good friend by simply stating that you are one, it isn't a passive job, and it requires actually telling them what's happening in your life instead of trying to always make it on your own (see #5)

8. you can't have more than like, 3 best friends. because then you'll be telling three different people every little useless but exciting detail of your life because that's just what best friends do, they get excited over every little detail of each other's lives and immediately forward sweet text messages and tell them about the 8 word conversation with the hottie in the bookstore, but that's a whole lot to tell and it's hard to remember if you've told all of your best friends so you end up leaving important things out and they feel left out when they discover something you haven't told them. this paragraph could go on forever but i'll proceed

9. i shouldn't be so surprised when I hear people who aren't true Christians doing and saying bad things. of course it's sad but it shouldn't shock me when people who are without God don't act like Christians. why should they? i should be trying to teach them instead of automatically getting all depressed because of the sin in the world, because they don't have a moral code and they don't have anyone to answer to yet

10. everyone has a story. when you walk through the store and you see the girl who has piercings in places you never even knew was possible, she has a story. and i don't know it yet. the guy who is ordering coffee in the bookstore has a story, and so does the guy sweeping the floor and the woman whose child is screaming and annoying. and that encounter could be the only chance i ever have to change their story, and put God in it

11. a good friend of the governor received a call one night, and was told that the governor needed to see him immediately. he walked into the governor's office and was asked to have a seat. the governor then proceeded to tell him that a man was on death row that very night, and he was to be executed at midnight. the governor had the extreme responsibility of deciding whether or not to pardon that man. he chose to save his life, and had in his hand a signed slip of paper which stated his intentions. the governor, being overwhelmed with work, asked that his friend deliver this paper to the jail that night so that the man on death row might be saved. the man readily accepted and went on his way. when he got into his car, he saw that he had missed a call from his wife and he called her back, he then stopped at the store to pick up the things that she had asked and took them home where he was welcomed by his loving family. he went to sleep that night, and awoke the next morning, walked to the kitchen to fix a bowl of cereal, and sat down to eat when he was taken aback by the words across the front page of the newspaper. "inmate executed at midnight last night". the man then remembered the slip of paper that the governor had entrusted to him, and his failure to save the man.
i don't think any of us are friends with the governor, and he'll never entrust us with a job like this. but God did.

beautiful bride

new things are happening and old things have ceased happening and things that i don't completely understand are happening

life is moving forward and it excites me

when i was a little girl, kristin and i walked the circle of our grandparents' yard for hours one night. she had her very first boyfriend and was venting about how silly he was. she was in seventh grade i think so i was only in third. i thought i knew everything. i thought there was no one better on earth for kristin to go to for dating advice than myself. i wanted to feel important. i wanted her to need me.

kristin's getting married and that boy has such a treasure

i've started having a simple bible study every night with my friend dustin, we pick a chapter (we're in hebrews now) and we simply discuss the major points and what spoke the most to us, and it's not hard at all to do but it puts me in such a wonderful mood and i like having that connection with someone. he inspires me so much because he's off working very hard leveling a school and he's exhausted every night but he never forgets to remind me about our bible study. i just love him. he's awesome.

there are so many truly inspirational people in my life that i cannot begin to tell you about them all. lindy abercrombie is one. one day i'm going to write an entire blog about her and you just wouldn't believe how amazing that girl is. everytime i see her she's talking to someone about their life and it's almost never about hers, which makes me kind of sad, but she's just the kind of person who will always ask about you and never bring herself or her issues into conversation because she puts others above herself. she has such a good heart. that kind of heart which is naturally good. it seems so natural and becoming to her.

i wanna be just like her. in every way.

you know how "famous people" make all kinds of money and have glamorous lives and all? i feel so sorry for them. because lives like lindy's are the kind that are famous in the way that is most important. when she gets a boyfriend or loses/gains weight it isn't written across some magazine because those are silly reasons to be recognized. but she's famous to me. and in 40 years she's a name i will remember.

i think i'm overloaded from lack of blogging. i like this quote:

‎"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

home

i'm in love. i'm so in love and i'm ashamed that it took reading a book to re-convince me of just how deeply and irrevocably and undeniably i am in love.
i am in love with God. my God is the God who created everything. did you catch that? my God created everything. the breath you and i just took simultaneously, he gave us that. your brain cells and the billions of universes that exist and every cell contained in one square inch of your skin. thousands of species of trees and birds and bananas and everything you've ever seen, thought, or felt. my God was the mastermind behind it all. and i love Him.
why do i sometimes forget how privileged i am to serve Him? why does it become "i have to study, i have to pray, i have to worship" like i'm checking off my to-do list for the things-i-have-to-do-to-go-to-heaven. when did being a christian become more about making it to heaven and less about being completely and utterly in love with the One who created it all? being unable to imagine an eternity that was not filled with Him?

"The critical question for our generation- and for every generation- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

that paragraph scared me when i read it. how could i forget that? how could i go on dreaming about heaven and being frightened by hell and doing all these necessary things in my life to reach for one and avoid the other, but completely forget the love that God deserves and demands from His followers? God DESIRES that i love Him. me, little old shauna blake baker with the laugh that explodes at inappropriate times and the unhealthy stress level... God wants me to love Him. and He loves me. and oh, I cannot understand it but He loves me so much. and I'm in love with Him.

i hope i never forget this. i'm putting it in writing so that i will have somewhere to go, something to read my thoughts while i was so on fire for God that it hurts. because i'm not like this all the time. but oh, i want to be. i want want want to love more and more and more until i have nothing left to give and then, i want to give it all. i want to be vulnerably and defenselessly in love with God, so that the only thing i have to protect me from life is Him.

i want to be ready to die all the time. i want to look at my things and laugh at myself for collecting such an array of stuff that profits me nothing. i want to live like i'm ready to die so that i can finally live. what about heaven. i want to know what my mind will think the very second i enter the gates. what is the first thought that will enter my mind when i am finally in heaven? when i'm finally home? in times like this i want to be there so much and at other times my fleshly mind forgets that my laptop and estelle my cute little car and all the books on my shelf and the purses i buy even when i know i already own thirty, all those things are here like a vapor and then they will vanish. and what will be left? my love for God. that will be with me. that's the only possession that I can hold onto forever. my soul inside that aches to find it's Maker. the calling inside me that's always longing for home.

gullible

i'm really gullible. i wish i wasn't like that. it hurts sometimes.

today i went shopping with the beautiful melissa clevenger and it's the most fun i've had in a very long time.

i would expand on both these topics if i had more time

my summer projects:

1. paint

2. read books

3. make friends

4. don't be gullible

5. become more philosophical

6. understand poetry better than i do right now

7. fall deeper in love with my family

8. fall deeper in love with God

9. collect my grandfather's stories

10. learn to do something i don't know how to do right now

oh yeah, and blog less.

souls and politics

i wish i knew the whole story. i wish i felt like my opinion was valid and be confident that i have an intelligent side to share.

truly, i don't know everything i need to know to make valid arguments about the subject. and i don't want to know everything. i'm blessed to have soldiers that risk their lives to keep me safe. i'm not a politician. i'm not informed enough to discuss every detail of the past 10 years.

but i can tell you the thoughts that are flying through my head right now.

i love souls.
i hate when christians argue with each other.
facebook debates are so pointless.
everyone doesn't go to heaven. people go to hell. and i can't stop that from happening.
the world is really messed up.
"not everyone that saith unto me 'lord, lord' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."
good people can be wrong.
passionate people can be passionate about something that is wrong.
feeling good doesn't guarantee righteousness.
some people can hear the gospel preached to them in the most eloquent or straight-forward ways, it doesn't matter, they're too proud to really soak it in.
sometimes, i'm afraid that i don't convey my love for god in a humble way. i want to be humble more than anything. i don't want to be misunderstood.

sometimes, it's easier and less stressful to not state your opinion. because opinions require taking sides, and what if your heart isn't just one-sided?

13 whys

why

...can i not stand up for myself?

...do i judge?

...is it so hard to tell the truth under tough circumstances?

...do i pretend i'm comfortable when i'm not?

...do i constantly say the wrong thing with the right intentions?

...am i condescending?

...do i over-analyze?

...can't i look for positive traits instead of faults?

...do i forget to pray?

...do i worry over little things?

...do i forget to cherish friendships?

...don't i realize how blessed i am?

...does God forgive me constantly?

...are people always looking for things to complain about?

...do i judge people for complaining when i do it all the time?

(this started with just 13 but now i have more to add)

why... do wonderful people let themselves be put down and ridiculed by people they "love"?

...is love an excuse to act carelessly and thoughtlessly rather than trying to build your partner up?

...do doritos have to leave a gross residue on your fingers? otherwise they'd be so good

...didn't I invent the little basket that holds your book in place while you ride a stationary bike?

...didn't I ever think of using it as a laptop holder instead?

i have amazing revelations all the time and this is a really good one


i like giving advice even though sometimes i have no idea what to say. it's good to be confided in. i like when people i wouldn't expect to even think much of my opinion come to me for advice. it's a great feeling to be needed.

i need people. as much as it kills me to admit. i want to be this independent girl who never lets anything tear her to pieces but i'm not her and no matter what i do i can't be her. i was reading reader's digest today and i saw an article on weight loss which totally massacred society's views on dieting and told me fat was good and counting calories is stupid and exercise means nothing and that for some people, diets just don't work and they never will. it's chemically impossible. and while i don't exactly believe all of that it was an eye opener because it made me think about the way God made me and the way He made you and that we're constantly wanting to change change change everything about us but what if we can't? what if every effort we make is futile and we're always going to be the way we are? that's why I think I should be happy being a size 10 or size 4 (although we can obviously see which I would prefer ergo this bike i'm riding right now) or any size in between because if I'm the way I am it wasn't an accident, God planned it and said to Himself "this is what my child, Shauna Baker, will look like and act like and feel like. she won't always be confident in herself and her neck will turn red when she speaks in front of crowds. she'll try to please everyone even when it means not being truly honest or true to her heart. she'll become too attached to things that are not permanent and sometimes she won't be as respectful as she should to her parents. she'll worry about chemistry tests and the size of her thighs and she'll rely too much on wordly opinions sometimes. but she's gonna try hard to fix all those things, and I'm going to help her, and I'm going to forgive her, and I'm going to love her."

I love God's forgiveness. I don't know how or why He does it, but He does, and it's forever, and it's amazing

i have lots of good things going on. i have great friends. hannah and i had the first heart to heart in a very long time last night. sometimes i'm a bad best friend. i'm glad she's forgiving. she completes my thoughts... it's so strange and wonderful all at once. and now matt and i are getting closer and he's confiding in me and i confide in him and we're active in this new christian organization at school (which is fantastic and i love it) and we get to have god talks more and he's just wonderful and i like having him in my life a great deal. and i have my lindy, and she is just the sweetest girl and a beautiful role model for anyone in this world. she brings me closer to God and our boy talks, especially when Hannah and us get together, are pretty epic.

and then I have this boy, tyler garrett, who was once my best friend and still is except now it's on a whole new level that i absolutely love. I have rediscovered my butterflies and if you had told me a month ago this was gonna happen then i would have laughed in your face but it happened and i don't wanna go back at all. i feel beautiful because of him. he's truly wonderful.

so i have all these wonderful people and sometimes i don't appreciate them but, my lanta, i don't know where in this world i would be without them.

wuthering heights makes me so angry because everyone is marrying the wrong people and that's my ultimate fear in life and now someone's already dead and she never married the right man and i'm just angry and sad. jane eyre tops it by about a trillion points right now. i hate when people that are in love don't marry each other. it's like missing the mark. it's second only to missing heaven. if you miss the love of your life then who's gonna help you get to heaven?

okay, that's a different blog post. and i think thoughts have ceased for now

this is me

not being afraid of my emotions anymore

whether it be excitement, anger, happiness, annoyance, hope, or maybe even love...

i'm embracing it all, because the only life worth living is one you live with your entire heart

and God didn't give me a spirit of fear

bible class a few weeks ago:

jackson: do you have a boyfriend?

me: no, jackson, not at the moment.

jackson: are you sure? what about tyler? *smiles*

me: *laugh* no, tyler and i are just friends.

jackson: but why?

me: well... it's just that we're best friends, that's all. it's hard to explain.

jackson: oh...

me: you like tyler a lot, don't you?

jackson: yeah... *smiles* are you suuuure he's not your boyfriend?

me: positive.

jackson: well, you need to get a boyfriend.

i know where i'm going for advice from here on out

:)

butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose

i learned

if anyone ever tells you to stop trying
if anyone ever says that you should put your feelings on hold to keep things simple and safe
if anyone ever tries to convince you that you should try to make everyone else happy but yourself
if anyone says you're crazy
if anyone says it'll never work
if anyone tries to tell you how you should feel
if anyone tries to make a decision for you

say thank you
and then, let it go out the other ear

we cannot live in fear of future while neglecting to live our present


beautiful things are waiting to be seen if we'll only trust ourselves enough to let them happen

bucket list

This weekend was possibly the two best consecutive days of my entire life.
Event one: Tyler Garrett was baptized into Christ on Saturday. My best friend, other than Hannah. The person I tell everything, even the things I'm ashamed of. The one everyone assumes I'm dating even though we're not and that gets on our nerves, but not too much. The one who heard my cousin preach about Jesus at my birthday party and began attending worship with me and then the past Saturday night, he heard a sermon and it just clicked, and it was the most amazing thing I believe I've ever witnessed. I don't in any way take credit for it... it was all part of God's masterful, wonderful plan. God is so almighty. At times like these when I try to put characteristics upon God, I can't do it. Because He just Is. He is All and in All. And His word touched Tyler's heart and upon hearing a few lessons, he was already convicted and convinced and CONVERTED to serving God. I can't wait to serve together. I can't even put a level of happiness with this. It's immeasurable. Thank you thank you thank you Lord.
Seeing his face reminded me of what it is to be new. To feel completely whole. Like you were wearing a scarlet robe and you arise white as snow. Clean and pure. Fresh and new and perfect, in God. IT'S SO AMAZING to see that look in someone's eyes. I want to talk more about this but I have so many things to say. I'm overloaded with lack of blogging.

This is named bucket list because I spent a lot of my weekend with Chris and Melissa, they opened their home to us and were so hospitable and I had the most amazing time. I wanted to load up all their books in Estelle and drive home with them. Thoreau, Jane Austen, Shakespeare, numerous biblical references, philisophical books and books just for fun... Melissa and I are definitely going to start sharing because we seriously talked for about an hour about just books. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a conversation so much on that topic.
When I went into their office (Melissa will see this and so yes, I was nosy and found this so I hope you don't mind) I saw they had both posted a bucket list and several points were highlighted which they had already accomplished. I was touched to see that 99% of their lists had to do with their relationships with God and each other. I came home in a frenzy to clean my room and organize everything all cutesy and put all my books on the shelf, and then I decided I needed to do a bucket list of my own since I've had a mental bucket list for quite a while I suppose. I don't have that best friend who just so happens to be my husband, and I don't get to be a housewife yet and spend lots of time reading books and cooking and being a youth minister's wife, but that life seems to be so amazing and fulfilling and I really hope and believe that Melissa loves it. I'm sure sometimes it isn't easy but I'm in love with the idea.

Shauna's bucket list.
1. write a book
2. convert someone to Christ
3. marry the most godly man I know
4. be the best wife that he could ever dream of
5. write for a Christian woman magazine
6. own a super expensive camera
7. read the whole bible
8. maintain organization wherever I live
9. be able to compare my life with that of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31
10. keep my house clean and welcome unannounced visitors
11. visit Italy
12. develop the art of home-cooking
13. learn to sew
14. read every classic novel
15. go on a mission trip
16. read a book twice
17. be a cool mom
18. learn to play guitar well
19. own a great dane
20. have the same best friend for 20 years
21. be a maid of honor
22. get paid to do something I love
23. be a housewife
24. have a home library
25. write music that brings someone to tears
26. learn to play piano
27. be a role model to someone and completely unaware of it
28. do something truly good for someone without seeking any recognition or praise, but only for the sake of doing it
29. experience life from the eyes of someone less fortunate
30. adopt a child

I had so much to say but this takes up so much time and I'm on a reading and organization kick

this feeling

I'm not good at pushing away sadness when I'm supposed to be happy. But thankfully very recently (yesterday) I finally learned something very important, that emotions are not sin. We can't help the way we feel, and so being angry or feeling doubt or worry or sadness is not wrong. God gave us our emotions, they are responses to our everyday lives. God doesn't judge us by how we feel but how we act upon our feeelings. Actions are what makes the difference. So I can feel sad and it's okay, but I need to try to take actions that are best for me and those around me. Which is to be encouraging and optimistic and try to not bring everyone else down with my poopy mood.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.

excitement

I don't think I've ever been this excited over pretty much EVERYTHING
WEEKEND WEEKEND WEEKEND!
LOCK-IN CHRISTIANS GOD SINGING WEEKEND!
I don't know why I have recently resorted to quoting songs and books for the main substance of my blogs but this is just hilarious
from House Rules, by Jodi Picoult

"I'm feeling pretty good, because this Friday, I won my case against the pig.
Okay, so technically, the pig was not the one who filed the lawsuit. That honor belongs to Buff (short for Buffalo, and I swear I am not making this up) Wings, a three-hundred-pound motorcyclist who was riding his vintage Harley down a road in Shelburne when a gigantic rogue pig wandered off the side of the road and directly into his path. As a result of the accident, Mr. Wings lost an eye - something he showed the jury at one point, by lidting up his black satin patch, which of course I objected to.
*skip several paragraphs*
Then I ran down the stairs to the parking lot, punching my fist in the air.
I have a hundred percent success rate in my litigation.
So what if I've only had one case?"

I think I laughed for a straight 5 minutes uncontrollably, and I do not know why I even found that funny but I found it absolutely knee-slappin hilarious
It completely screams Cherokee County Alabama to me, which is sad
Once I toured the 911 dispatching center which is underneath the county jail (I was considerably freaked out by that) with some other students who were part of a youth leadership program at school. They received a call and I was suddenly on edge because someone was reporting a crime! and that's supposed to be exciting right? No, the guy called because "his white hawse is done been chased round this house blame 10 times by some blankety blankin dog" and suddenly I was like wow, this became considerably less cool of a job because I'd have to deal with that all day. But I do like life out in the country, it's so much more beautiful than anywhere else you can go (trust me, I've been to New York and the prettiest thing you see out your window is a pretty boy if you get lucky, but there's no way he'll notice you because he has headphones in and he's determined to get where he's going with the least distractions possible, and everything else is just dank and bleak and nasty and not pretty at all, unless you hit a nice tourist spot), and I don't think I would like to live anywhere else honestly. Given I'd love to visit Italy and Greece but I can handle being a Southern gal forever.

I don't have much to talk about, I'd much rather be reading. If I keep on with these random blog posts January is gonna have more than any other month combined.

about blogging

I think sometimes I psych myself out with this whole blog business and think I have to sound intelligent and serious and not overuse smiley faces because that will take away from the philosophical value of my words but that's pretty silly of me, because the only person who will really judge this is myself and the other two (perhaps three) people that actually take time to read it, and so it really doesn't matter if I sound intelligent or if my words are completely unintelligible because it's coming from my head so I shouldn't have to provide commentary on my own thoughts and feelings because I know what I'm talking about. But this is also contradictory since one could argue that since I know my own thoughts I shouldn't have to type them out, but it helps me to understand myself so I guess I'll keep typing things I already know and those two or three people might eventually get tired or reading all that random thought vomit but at least it helps me not go crazy. 
I like blogging because I don't have to use correct punctuation if I'm not in the mood (not correct grammar, I have to use that or I spaz, except in the case of run-on sentences), or if I want I can use the most ridiculous word in the dictionary that I didn't know the meaning of until I googled it just minutes ago, there is no universal standard and nobody can be offended if I use words they don't know the meaning of because I think it's enjoyable to use new words. It makes me happy. :)

I now have a deep obsession with National Geographic and I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up and that's a photojournalist. It's photography+writing+traveling to beautiful places all over the world, purely the best combination in the universe. I want to GO places and SEE things that the average person will never see, and then write all about my adventures and capture the beautiful moments with an extremely expensive camera and share it with the rest of the world so they can go there, too. It excites me to think about it all. The future is so exciting because it's all open to my own judgement and I get to form it from scratch like a sculpture, except sometimes everything won't be chiseled exactly how I'd like but still, I have an impact through every decision I'm making to formulate my own destiny. THAT is just cool.

Right now I'm reading a book entitled "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" which you would think would be completely silly, but it's actually already one of my favorite books and I'm only about 3/4 done with it and it isn't silly at all, in fact I've been close to tears many times (never caving, but probably will because I usually do), but that usually for me means that it's a very good book because I get emotional when I really love things and especially books and movies. I don't want to ruin it for the < 3 people that are reading (since you obviously like to read if you read my extensive thoughts, and you might like to read this book because like I said it's pretty great), but I will say that I've learned a lot already. The book is about a journalist living in London and trying to decide upon a topic for a new book, and she receives a letter from a man living in Guernsey and they become pen pals, and he tells her the story of the Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society which formed in defense during the Holocaust, and so she becomes friends with all the society's members through letters and learns all their personal stories of the Holocaust. Now she has visited the island and is learning everything firsthand and growing closer to them all, and she is probably (I'm catching onto some serious foreshadowing) going to end up writing a book about Guernsey. It's one of those books that I don't want to put down and I don't want it to end, either, so I'm really in quite a predicament but I'm going to keep reading and maybe one day I'll reread it (I've never reread a book in my life, there's always something else interesting me more).

BUT to the actual point in writing about that book- I will never, hopefully, understand the kind of pain that those people endured, and it makes me feel so pathetic for the little bitty things that I complain about.  I think it was Thoreau who said that "there are those who starve day after day who express the same amount of anger and resentment as the fortunate man who becomes angry when he receives a hamburger with onions when he specifically ordered one without" (that's a horrendous quotation because I really don't remember but look it up, it's one to remember). But the point is that when every little disappointment in our lives is compared with that of others across the globe it absolutely cannot be paralleled, and it's quite ridiculous of us to believe that we have the right to complain when the wrong proportion of condiments are put on the greasy food we get to have when there are people right here in this country who would love to have the onions or tomatoes right off your Big Mac. I really need to work on this I think. I read about people who were tortured and went through so much more than I could ever endure and it's so completely obscure compared to the luxury that I live in, and I just don't think I or anyone else for that matter truly realizes how blessed we are. I am SO blessed that I have my family to play games with, even though sometimes I complain because I absolutely despise the game swap but that's what Haley absolutely loves to play, and I should be more agreeable and play it with her because lots of people don't have my kind of loving family and they don't have the kind of relationships with siblings that they would actually want to play games with each other. I'm so glad I do. My life as an only child would be pretty much boring beyond belief. 

Me and Hannah took this picture at Exposure. It's pretty much the best pun EVER

I honestly did not intend for this post to be so extensive. I think it's because I'm watching the national championship simply to be socially accepted and not because I'm pulling for either team, so I've been blogging the entire time to pass time since I don't really care and obviously watching football is very good for thought stimulation because I've remembered pretty much everything I want to write about on a regular basis but always forget about. 

Christians make the best friends in the universe. I will argue this to my death because I seriously don't know what I would do if I had to rely on people that don't love God to be my friends, because that one fact is so very important because otherwise we will never be able to discuss my faults and how I can be a better influence and how hard it is to resist temptation and how excited we are that _____ is coming to church now and nobody can compete with that kind of relationship. I've always had that in Hannah and this year I've grown so much closer to so many wonderful people, including so many lovely older ladies in the church that I would die for, they're so precious and I wish I had gone to them for advice more in the past. One is my sweet grandmother who is probably the best advice giver in the world. The other day we were having lunch and drinking coffee (I definitely got that obsession from her) and we started talking about high school and how much I hate it, and she said it was the same way when she was in high school, but after I get out then I'll feel like my own person again and that I shouldn't worry, and I was so thankful to her for helping me to catch that little glimpse of hope that there IS an end in sight, and even though sometimes I'm completely miserable I know that one day I'll be a free spirit in the world and I won't have to worry about those things anymore. I know it makes me sound like a pessimist, and I hate that it does because I'm actually a pretty big optimist, I love education and I love to find out new things but sometimes the social side becomes tiresome, but at any rate everyone has to go through it and even though I don't exactly appreciate the whole premise of high school I have to go through it too, and I'll come out a better and stronger person and ready to take on the world. Luckily I have the best Christian friends in the universe who help keep me sane. I think it's Aristotle who said "A friend to all is a friend to none" (I've been on a pretty big philosophical kick lately), and even though that sounds a bit rude I find it to be very true. I still love everybody because everybody's a soul and deserves love and appreciation simply because of what they are, but being "friends" means spending time together and appreciating each others company and sharing stories and secrets and troubles, and there's absolutely no way that you can have enough in common with every person you meet to become close friends with them, especially if they lie or cheat on tests or don't want to do anything with their life, I'm not going to mesh well with that person. But that doesn't mean I can't be nice and sweet and all. I've also heard it's better to have a few close friends rather than a bunch of semi close friends, which I also whole-heartedly agree with. I have that and I'm very very thankful. Not that I don't enjoy meeting new people and making friends, but I don't have to go out and spill all my life's secrets to someone I barely know just because I need someone to confide in, because I have a lot of people that I can confide in. Basically I'm blessed, a whole whole lot. I like my life a great deal.

That's all for today, over and out.

my favorite

My new favorite thing to listen to: http://stereomood.com/mood/calm. It's a playlist of calming music. Right now I'm listening to a piano piece and I feel like such a loser because I'm like tearing up. It's so beautiful. I think my two favorite instruments to listen to are solo piano pieces, and acoustic guitar. Both are just so calming and pure and true. I know why I love music, and it's all about emotion. Music expresses emotions that transcend words... That's so cliche but I believe it with my whole heart. I could spend my entire life dedicated to making music (aside from being a Christian of course) and be completely content. But I don't ever want my career to be just that because then it isn't just a passion anymore, it's my job and it becomes monotonous and a daily task instead of just an impulsive reaction to daily things, like when I have a bad day and so I decide to sit down and play guitar and suddenly everything feels so much lighter and I can breathe again. I'm afraid if I ever pursue music as a career I will forget to use music as an escape too, because then I won't be escaping from anything because I do it all day every day anyway... That might not make sense but this is mostly for me and I know what I'm talking about. I know I have to marry somebody who loves music just as much as I do because I'm so passionate about it that to someone that isn't passionate about it I'm sure it would be extremely annoying to live with. Even the most agreeable husband in the world (which is by the way another trait that is definitely on the checklist for my future husband, since I'm potentially annoying sometimes) is gonna tell me to shut up singing eventually if he doesn't love music like I do. A regular person wouldn't want to hear me singing all day every day for the rest of their lives but a music lover wouldn't mind, hopefully. If he does then I guess I'll just have to pick between either my music or him, and I'm sure he wouldn't like how that decision is going to turn out because music wins even if he's the most gorgeous creature in the universe. 
I've become a sort of reject because I think for some people a lot of people really don't like me, or their just being a little on the rude side for no reason but anyway it will be okay because in 1 1/2 years I'm leaving that high school and I get to choose who I stay in contact with from that school which will be a very slim crowd and mostly consist of teachers and some band kids. I don't feel like a normal teenager at school but I do feel at home when I go to youth events and I'm with what I really consider to be my closest friends, because they have their priorities in order and they love God more than popularity and it comforts me to believe that just maybe they kinda feel like rejects sometimes, too... Or maybe they don't and I'm just weird but I've accepted that to be fact as well. It's so funny typing that because I say it to myself in my head all the time but when it's on the screen in front of me it really hits home. I can't feel normal because then I'm not "peculiar" as God wants me to be, so it's okay to feel like a reject if it's for the right reasons. Sometimes I wish I were homeschooled because I absolutely hate the atmosphere of high school. I love education but hate the social side. I mean, it's not that I don't want to be friendly and have friends and all, but there's so much hypocrisy and lies and rumors and ugly words and stereotypes and I just do not enjoy it at all. I wish I could be in a classroom with me and a teacher and ask every question I have and only learn things that I don't already know and only learn things that will pertain to my future and not random facts that I will forget the next day. I wish I could learn only how to write eloquently and persuasively, and how to deliver speeches without stuttering, and ancient Greek and Roman history and the antiquity of the Bible and scientific evidences and photography and music and everything I'm so passionate about. I wish I didn't have to go through learning about random battles in random wars that I will never remember because I'm horrible at remembering dates and battles. I wish I could just personalize my education.
Basically, I guess I wish I were in college already.
When I get married one day I never want it to die. I want to be that old couple that still hold hands and take care of each other and can smile at each other and communicate without saying a word and just be so incredibly happy and at home. Basically watch Fireproof and the last half of the movie, Kirk Cameron is completely the man of my dreams. I think my biggest fear in life is for me and my husband to fall out of love with each other. That can never never never happen. But as long as we both remain strong in the Lord I don't think it's possible. I hope not. I never want to turn into the naggy wife who does nothing but complain all the time. This is all I want to say on this topic, I will probably expand at a later date because I think about getting married a lot for some odd reason.
I know I had a lot more to say but I took a break in between to watch Fireproof and now I've lost my train of thought...
OH OH OH I remember, a boy was baptized today and his name was Aaron and I'm so excited that I squealed with Hannah for a consecutive period of like at least five minutes, because she had been studying with him and he learned the truth and he wanted to be saved, and isn't that just a magical thing? It was so amazing to watch him transform into a new creature of God, and Hannah bless her heart was just thrilled beyond belief and I was for him and for her, because she made a difference in that person's life and possibly his destiny and I really hope that I can say that for myself one day. I want to know that I'm doing my part. But I've been given a ton of opportunities ever since I repented a few weeks ago, God has no doubt been laying opportunities all around me that are so easy for me to pick up and hopefully use to serve Him. It's no doubt Providence. Since then I've been teaching a kindergarten bible school class, a friend has been coming to church with me regularly, I was introduced to Project 7 and given a chance to spread the cause for creationism, and I also had the chance to talk with one of my teachers who disagreed and state my point of view and hopefully plant a seed... I feel like all those privileges were there before, too, but I wasn't looking for them so I couldn't see them. But it's so easy to see my place in the grand scheme of things now. It's like God has said "this is how you, Shauna Baker, can serve me" and has given me a list of things to do, and in doing so it's like our relationship is stronger than ever in the past, and I feel accomplished and not useless even though sometimes I might feel like I am misunderstood by a lot of the world, I can always trust in God to be on my side and understand exactly how I feel.
I might be back later if I find my train of thought again.