butterflies

be prepared for random thoughts with no rhythm or organization whatsoever

life is so busy. not in the gogogo sort of way but in the emotionally complex and crazy sort of way. everything that we see is so complex. i look at a tree and i see a tree... i look closer at the tree and i see the branches and leaves and colors and roots and system of nourishment for that tree and all the intricate woodwork in that tree and the way the light is reflected off the leaves and the shadow on the ground and the thousands of organisms that thrive by that tree and the way the sunset shines through the curving network of branches... yeah, it's completely crazy. trees are God's statement. they are a masterpiece. so are flowers, and birds, and mountains, and the grand canyon, and the solar system, and my eye, and the SKY... how could there not be a designer? how could all these intricate networks and systems which are so perfectly arranged simply come into place by chance? they can't. i believe that with my entire heart. if that isn't true, then nothing is true and life has no purpose or meaning.

everything about this world and this universe is so much more than what it appears on the surface. every glance has behind it a history. those eyes are filled with hopes and doubts and past mistakes and various motives and fears. we can never truly understand anyone, not even ourselves.

i'm glad that i'm changing. i'm not glad that i've almost neglected informing the people i love of all my changes. i'm not changing myself, i'm changing how i react to my emotions. i'm letting go a little easier and loving a little deeper. i'm letting myself feel the way i do without reservations and fears. i'm taking risks to find beautiful things in this life. and i like it, a lot.

but sometimes i become so frustrated with myself. hindsight sometimes tells me that i should've leaned more on others. with this newfound bravery, i take less time seeking opinion and advice from those i truly care about. that was probably a mistake. i might not have taken their advice, but simply telling them what was going on and letting them feel connected would've been a much better thing for our friendship than trying to do it on my own. i'm just so confused with this new type of shauna that's evolving. i like her, but she needs a lot of work.

i miss my mom so much. i don't tell her as much as i used to. and i'm trying to go back.

and i think for the first time, i let myself be less connected with hannah and lindy while things are changing in my life. i didn't tell them everything and i don't know why. i don't know if it was fear or just being confused with everything that was going on, i really don't know. but i wish i had treated the situation much differently. i'm telling the new shauna that the opinions of others doesn't matter... that's only true in some cases. when those opinions belong to your best friends, the people you trust most in the universe, it matters to you what they think. maybe i was hiding from that because i was afraid they wouldn't think what i wanted them to. i hate this whole paragraph but no way am i erasing it. i love them so much. i hope i didn't put up any walls...

now, on to something much happier. despite everything i could complain about and worry about (i'm also beginning to put away worrying), i am so so happy. i cannot adequately describe what it feels like to completely trust your heart and let down everything that's holding you back and just go for what you believe in. taking risks is such a beautiful thing, and going to an all new level with my best friend is something i don't even begin to regret. no matter what happens from this point on, i won't regret a thing.

please, if you're contemplating a major decision, and your fear is fighting against your heart... let your heart win. if you do, you can't lose