young

i am not a young person.

young people don't have mental breakdowns over the apathetic nature of other young people and they usually have somewhere to be on friday night like i guess

they like the movies or just hanging out in a random parking lot somewhere

but they don't sit up reading cleopatra

or become so emotionally attached to friday night lights to the extent

that they are swelling up in tears every time julie rejects matt over the phone because he left her alone to pursue a life in chicago

(i'm almost done with the last season and i'm pretty sure i will need a therapist when that happens)

i would love to go back to hugging my best friend for no reason while we wait in line at subway 

and squealing as we check off the names in MASH and find out who we will marry one day

and taking 30 pictures in a row with every facial expression we can think of

but even worse than not being a young person is not being an adult either

being in this in-between where i don't really belong in either category

floating somewhere between the people i've left and the people who seem to have left me

and wishing that life could push me farther forward to catch up

this place i'm in, it feels very useless. very vague and foggy so that i can't even see the ground i'm standing on sometimes

i am so impatient but i would be completely happy being an in-betweener if there was anyone to stand with me and complain about it too. i feel that i am an annoyance to both groups because my puzzle piece just doesn't quite fit

i just want

to take God seriously. and for people to encourage me while doing that.

in real life

here's shauna in my head: she likes to take long runs to relieve her stress and doesn't ever complain, doesn't let anyone run over her ambitions but kindly speaks her mind with boldness. kids love her and people want her in charge. she can strike up a conversation with anyone and bring it to God within the first few sentences, and knows how to make a statement without saying anything at all. her words are usually few but delicately valuable. she knows when to listen, when to say little and when to comfort with carefully chosen words that soothe. she's practical and happily silent except when words are necessary. she loves with a careful consideration of the costs.


here's shauna in real life: she likes to take runs, usually punctuated by frequent walks, and will usually complain of the heat when she's finished. she has ideas in her head which are spoken boldly to third parties but are carefully and apologetically molded to suit the fancies of others. she believes children are a true blessing and longs to have a family of her own... but finds it difficult to take charge of other children due to chronic pushoverness. people put her in charge because she is easy to agree with (considering her own ideas are usually moderated to suit others) and she finds organization, responsibility and agreeableness to be her strong points. sometimes she avoids casual acquaintances in public because of her distinct dislike and fear of casual conversation (if the conversation can't begin with a hug, you can count on it being extremely awkward). she believes herself to be a good listener and usually has good advice to give, but also seeks advice on every remotely important decision she makes. she loves indefinitely, immeasurably, without boundary or practicality. she possesses a hopelessly romantic spirit whose sole purpose on this earth is to love and be loved with the best she can give.

i find me more and more every time i do one of these

getting it together

sometimes i wish i had it all together. the strong warrior, the one who is down but knows how to get back up, the one who laughs at all the right times and prays at all the right times. the one who doesn't doubt or judge and knows how to turn a frown upside down. the one that stops people mid-sentence when they realize that they can't talk like that around her.

i'm still finding me, and maybe little by little i'm finding out how to become the person that God already sees.

tired

Sometimes I wish I could quit life except for things like singings and gospel meetings and youth functions and pretty much devote every moment of my time to being with other christians and that's all

Or in other words, stop being the drum major and high school student and average teenager and member of society and just be a Christian and that's all

But that isn't God's plan and I can't technically be a Christian in this world without living around those who aren't, because one of my commandments is to "go into all the world and teach" and I can't do that from the outside

I'm just ready for heaven

I want to have a walk and talk with Job for a few thousand years and listen to Peter preach a sermon and sing praise to God all day, every day, forever and be in the presence of GOD, the God I love and the God I serve and the God who's going to save me from being just an average high school student

Sometimes I'm just so tired but I'm on the right team and I've already won, and that gives me peace

worry

sometimes i worry. actually this is a massive understatement because i always worry. i worry about being late and being early and having smelly feet or bad breath and being too forward to the point of annoyance or too shy to the point of making others uncomfortable, too cocky or uncomfortable in my own skin. i worry about being a disappointment or not realizing my mistakes and whether i look unique or just plain silly. i worry about eating too much or being too lazy or not lazy enough, working myself to death or not being productive.

okay so i'm basically a worry-a-holic, i could probably write a book entitled How to Worry Yourself to Death and make all kinds of money, that is if anyone really desired to learn the art of worrying that i have accomplished and i really do not recommend it

i have a habit of talking all the way around a subject before getting around to it but this is my blog so i think i'm allowed to do that. here is the thought that began this whole deal: i think i worry most about missing chances. like that moment when you're at a crossroads and you can't decide which side belongs to your heart and which side belongs to your logic and if they could possibly be on the same side, and you want to see the end of the road to see where you're going to end up but the thing is you can't do that, you have to choose a path and follow it all the way to the end. i worry about missing an opportunity for beauty. like when you don't want to go somewhere but you do, and then you realize that you would have missed the chance to witness something truly magical? i don't want to miss those moments. but i also worry of being too impulsive (i have a constant inward battle, check out the blogs from april and you will see my impulsiveness which i believe is now overcome with my logic). i don't want to restrain myself so much that i cease to live but i also need stability. who am i? does anyone else constantly wish they could have a list of their own characteristics listed for them so that they could decide how to react in every situation? because i feel like i make decisions that have absolutely nothing to do with the person i actually am and more to do with who i want to be at that particular moment, but that changes and suddenly i'm in a circular cycle of not knowing how to react in any situation and not knowing which path to choose because one is labeled excitement and one is labeled security and my brain is so tired that sometimes i think i just close my eyes and walk without deliberation

i couldn't sleep last night because suddenly a road sign was in my head that said this could be awesome and the subscript said "you are happy but you could be happier if you go this way" and it's almost like de ja vu because i feel like i've been down this road before and told myself i wouldn't go again but now it's different scenery and they planted some new daisies and the road i'm on looks like a dead end

so who wins, security or excitement?

i'll let you know when i decide who i am

souls and politics

i wish i knew the whole story. i wish i felt like my opinion was valid and be confident that i have an intelligent side to share.

truly, i don't know everything i need to know to make valid arguments about the subject. and i don't want to know everything. i'm blessed to have soldiers that risk their lives to keep me safe. i'm not a politician. i'm not informed enough to discuss every detail of the past 10 years.

but i can tell you the thoughts that are flying through my head right now.

i love souls.
i hate when christians argue with each other.
facebook debates are so pointless.
everyone doesn't go to heaven. people go to hell. and i can't stop that from happening.
the world is really messed up.
"not everyone that saith unto me 'lord, lord' shall enter into the kingdom of heaven."
good people can be wrong.
passionate people can be passionate about something that is wrong.
feeling good doesn't guarantee righteousness.
some people can hear the gospel preached to them in the most eloquent or straight-forward ways, it doesn't matter, they're too proud to really soak it in.
sometimes, i'm afraid that i don't convey my love for god in a humble way. i want to be humble more than anything. i don't want to be misunderstood.

sometimes, it's easier and less stressful to not state your opinion. because opinions require taking sides, and what if your heart isn't just one-sided?

one day

i'll be brave enough to feel the way my heart is screaming

even when i'm scared

because the most beautiful things in life require risks to be achieved

mayday

i am terrified of

1. divorce
2. inadequacy
3. mistakes that can't be fixed
4. intruders
5. disappointing the people i love
6. being deceived
7. being fallen-out-of-love with
8. marrying the wrong person
9. losing faith
10. missing my chance

i'm very sad today. i haven't seen tyler all day long and now i don't think i will get to and i didn't realize how very pathetically and completely i rely on him to cheer me up during the day. it's really sad. when i haven't seen him in a long time it feels like loneliness is eating up my insides.

i almost went crazy today. nobody was at school and everyone wanted to know why in the world i was there and why i wasn't out decorating for prom.

who in the world ever said it was a crime to not go to prom? honestly, it's outright ridiculous everything i've been through today. I had a teacher call me to the side and tell me that I showed poor leadership skills by not going to prom, and that as a prominent leader of my class it is my obligation to attend prom and all such functions.
apparently, "being a leader" now entails following what's popular and what everyone else is doing instead of listening to your heart, and not being afraid to step out in your own direction.
that's just a tad bit ironic to me.

i'm frustrated and i need a hug and i miss everyone so much.
i'm sorry for being a downer.

the heart

is a fighter. it doesn't give up when the flow of love becomes painful. it can endure countless punches and still remain strong.

but even the strongest of hearts breaks. and those once broken are fragile as glass.

sometimes a broken heart isn't shattered all at once. it starts with a tiny irritancy, a slight discomfort which is put off as a hard day or a bad mood. then the ache spreads. but the process is slow, so the heart doesn't recognize what the end result will be... he is only accustomed to this slight discomfort which gradually grows stronger. he only learns to fight harder. he never gives up.

this cannot continue forever. the heart is tired and weary of fighting while the one for which it fights only resists.

the heart still has all the love it once had for this cause for which it has been fighting. and so it is not the love which is lacking, but the motivation and endurance to make that love active.

one cannot continually give every bit of his energy to moving a brick wall that will never budge.

my heart is so tired.

pda

is so disgusting.

a) it makes other people uncomfortable. honestly. no one wants to be "that guy" whose friend is all over some girl and he just has to stand there awkwardly and pretend to be comfortable in that situation. but he's not, he just doesn't wanna be rude. i've been that guy.
b) i can't carry on a conversation with you if you are obviously not interested in anything i have to say
c) there's a line. it's called the line between cute and inappropriate. the line between "aww" and *gag*, etc.
d) who in the world will respect you if you can't respect yourself? if you can't respect the people around you by acting discreetly?
e) could you carry on a conversation with jesus? would you be embarrassed? would you straighten up immediately if he entered the room? he's already there.
f) sometimes it's good to talk. that's usually how it goes, you meet someone and you get to know them, and you know them for a very long time and then you quite possibly fall in love with them. you don't find a boyfriend and immediately love him and THEN find out things about him.
g) if you haven't found out her favorite color and her middle name, you're still in the "get to know you stage." so put about 2 feet of space between you and ask some questions.
h) there's such a thing as public and private settings... both should be handled discreetly and with propriety, but you don't have to show the whole world how you feel. if that's how you two act in public, we don't even wanna know what you do in private.
i) when you're fourteen you can't tell a girl "baby i love you i wanna spend the rest of my life with you i'll never ever leave you you're the only one forever and ever and ever and ever and ever"... uh, as sweetly as i know to say this, you can't promise that. your mommy still has to drop you off at the movie theatre, for pete's sake.
j) when people get married, they have a right to be cute. when you're in high school and you just started dating a girl, you don't own her. show her some respect.
k) there is such a thing as taking things slow.
l) there is such a thing as being happy having friends and not being in a serious relationship. it isn't a horrible situation to be in, i promise.

i actually wrote all that last night, but i was going to try and go all the way through the alphabet so i didn't post it last night. but now i've just got nothing else to say on the topic. it erks me to even talk about it so i'm gonna move on.

today was wedding planning day with my wonderful family and i had an absolute blast. kristin is going to be the most beautiful bride ever. i always knew she would be.

i've come to the conclusion that i really really miss a lot of people. some people i see every day and i still miss them like crazy. i know now that is possible, and i really kind of hate it. but i don't know how to fix it. i'm a mess. sometimes i just want to give up trying to make other people happy. it's so hard to feel like you're trying the very hardest you can to be the best friend you can be and then to be told it isn't good enough. not exactly my favorite feeling in the world. but maybe it's true. i can't pretend to be a perfect friend all the time. i wish i could. i mess up a lot.

but on the plus side today i bought a cute skirt at the thrift store for $4.50 and ate the most amazing yogurt i've ever tasted

dear anyone i've ever let down, i'm sorry. i can honestly say that i'm trying my hardest. and it's exhausting because i feel like i'm pushing against a brick wall and going nowhere.

valentine

It has been brought to my attention that I don't have a boyfriend. Which I was aware of.
It has also been brought to my attention (by someone that I love to death) that I don't have a boyfriend because every time I meet someone I really enjoy being around, I become their best friend instead. And then I feel like we're too close of friends for it to be anything more.
Yeah... talk about a punch in the stomach. Because it's totally true.

I was going to vent. But then this would turn into some average melodramatic teen blog where the girl seems to feel that she is the only being on the planet and that she's miserable and lonely and being single is the worst curse anyone could ever have. And I'm not gonna do that, because I like to think there's a bigger picture that I can focus on. Me being single < starving children all over the world. Me being lonely sometimes < losing someone I love. Me having two guy best friends > me having no friends at all. And then being single doesn't seem so bad.

I really want to be loved one day. Get married and have four kids and a great dane with an oxymoronic name (such as Tiny) and a big front porch and a library and a husband to play guitar and sing for me. But I'm not spazzing out because I don't have that yet, nor anything close to it.
I've got a life to live, there's no need to think that every good thing has to happen all at once. I have a lot of good things now and I'll be blessed with many good things to come. God knows what plans He has for me.

Even while I'm trying to throw all these optimistic punches at my bad mood sometimes the truth leaks through. It's scary to think that maybe I push people away. Maybe I'm so afraid of the word love that I overuse it in the friend sense and that way it won't surprise me and that person will already be used to the idea, and so I'm in friend zone forever and ever. Because apparently once you become such good friends with someone, you can't be anything other than just that- best friends. That's my completely illogical way of thinking, anyway. But maybe it's not an accident. Maybe it's a subconscious defense to being hurt/being the hurter. I hate the last one most of all.

I feel completely ridiculous. But I wouldn't be an honest blogger if I didn't express these worries, and what kind of blogger does that make me? The sugar coating kind. The kind who doesn't want anyone to think she has a kink in her self-esteem.

I WORRY ABOUT NEVER GETTING MARRIED

There. But I'm a teenage girl. We're allowed. It's our privilege.
It doesn't mean I'm gonna go around and sulk all the time because I don't have a boyfriend. It means sometimes I think. I ponder things.
But I can still be a happy gal.
Letting one person control our happiness is a scary situation in and of itself. Trust me.
Maybe I should skip on to something cute.

I received one valentine present from Tyler aka best friend and he's a frog and his name is Clyde. I love both of them, a whole lot

this feeling

I'm not good at pushing away sadness when I'm supposed to be happy. But thankfully very recently (yesterday) I finally learned something very important, that emotions are not sin. We can't help the way we feel, and so being angry or feeling doubt or worry or sadness is not wrong. God gave us our emotions, they are responses to our everyday lives. God doesn't judge us by how we feel but how we act upon our feeelings. Actions are what makes the difference. So I can feel sad and it's okay, but I need to try to take actions that are best for me and those around me. Which is to be encouraging and optimistic and try to not bring everyone else down with my poopy mood.
But sometimes, I just can't pretend and I have to give in to being a sad teenage girl with emotions that go haywire sometimes and today is one of those times.
Because I have had no sleep due to the lock-in and I just can't make myself go to bed because being asleep feels so lonely.
No sleep makes me very emotional. Added to the fact that I'm a teenage girl who is naturally emotional and we've got a bad situation here.
I think the worse emotion for me is loneliness. When I feel forgotten or replaced. That's the worst feeling ever. And happened recently. And pretty much no one but maybe Hannah knows about it but that's okay because everybody doesn't have to. Actually it's happened twice which makes the most recent one which is totally nothing in comparison to the other, hurt just as much.
The point is- I hate thinking one day I mean so much to a person, and being completely thrown down from that idea the very next minute.
I hate coming back from a break from school and realizing that half the people I used to be close to will have nothing to do with me, for whatever reason. (that really happened)
I hate getting all excited about talking to someone so very much that I think we'll have a blast when we finally are together in person, and then realizing I was just another girl.
I hate having to post blogs with a collection of statements that begin with "I hate", but sometimes it's just true.
And now looking back all the "I hates" weren't really supposed to sound like angry I hates, they're more of "I become very sad when"'s. If that makes sense which I know it doesn't but it'll be okay. My brain turned dyslexic around 3 A.M.
I don't want everyone to think I'm some cynical teenager who's mad at the world and hates everything in it, because I'm not. I love life and I love living for God and if it were not for my Christian family I would be so entirely lost with nowhere to go.
They keep me from feeling miserably lonely all the time. But sometimes I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely alone. That's when I need to pray. Why don't I take advantage of that? It's so easy and could make a world of difference.
I changed my mind, this doesn't need to end sadly. This is the post-lock-in bipolar attitude kicking in, I'm doing a 180.
I am so...SO lucky. I have the most wonderful and encouraging friends in the entire world.
Me Hannah and Lindy decided around 5 that we wanted to be super heroes and so we tied blankets around our necks and flew through the church building to save the day.
My name was Honest Agnus. I save the world with honesty.
Hannah was Puddle Patty. She can turn into puddles. I came up with that one.
I know that in 20 years it will be moments like that which I will remember. I will always love those girls with my entire heart. We're connected with a bond that can't ever be severed and so many people don't have that with anyone and I'm so sad about that.
I wish I could share my best friends with the whole world. They're awesome.

life is beautiful

Life won't always go your way

And that won't ever change

But you'll find blessings in the clouds 

And you'll find mercy in the rain 

And you'll have heartache down the road 

And tears shed from a broken soul 

But joy will seek you out and give you hope 

Like candles' lights in darkened rooms 

And how you sacrifice and try to make things right 

Is the whole world happy but you 

But hungry children cry while thirsty siblings die 

How did this life become so cruel 

And then the questions come and rare are answers known 

But this is still worth pushing through 

Cause every smile shown 

And Every laughing moment 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

And I am guilty just like you 

And I will never save myself 

And all my formulas and secret recipes 

Will never take away the pain 

But I'll find healing in His wounds 

And I'll find warmth in lover's eyes 

Cause every drop of blood 

And every tear that's cried 

Confirms that life is beautiful 

Confirms that we are beautiful 

Confirms that you are beautiful 

I know you love me I know you really love me 

And I want to fall in love with you 

With you

- The Icarus Account

sorry

I guess no more comments. That's probably a good idea.
Sometimes the world makes me really really sad. Like when "hate" is used when love could take it's place so easily and wouldn't that turn the whole world upside down, if we love unconditionally and unbiased? But it's so easy to judge. Not saying we should accept sin and let it go by without a fight but we should love individuals regardless of who they are but because of what they are- a soul. A living, eternal soul who will spend its eternity in one of two places. God is love and love wants all men to be saved. If love wants men to be saved, what does hate do?
Hate is so unprofitable. And my heart aches aches aches.
This is a very sad post. That's why it's very very small because then maybe people will let it go by unnoticed and not dwell, because I'm sad. I don't like it at all but I'm so sad for the world and for everyone who doesn't know about God and for everyone who doesn't want anything to do with God, because I can't imagine what that does to Him. He's given us everything, without Him we're helpless, and yet people still push Him away and curse Him and... I can imagine His heart breaking every time we do that. I just don't understand. Why does it have to be this way?
But the world is not perfect, and I suppose that the allowance of free will guaranteed that man would sin. We mess up because we aren't godly all the time and we're selfish and stuff gets in the way like being popular and being so afraid of truth that we hide behind facades of apathy and detachment and hatred.
I have to believe in God. He is the only thing that keeps me grounded and without faith, I would float into the sky with nothing to keep me tied to reality. I think I would seriously go mad.
I don't want to keep going. I'll wait until I feel better and I'm not such a downer.
Sorry you can't comment on my scattered thoughts anymore. But if you read this, and you appreciate it... thank you.

day one

Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.

But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.

Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.

It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.

I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.

The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.

Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.

"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31, 35-39

it's late

But who cares because it's CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK

I have a wicker chair in my room now. I absolutely love this thing. I can lean back with a book or my laptop and suddenly I'm so peaceful, like it's a sunny day when the temperature is just right and I'm laying out by the pool. I'm thinking this is a keeper. It was in our garage because mom bought it at a yard sale but no one was using it so I called dibs. I think I made a good decision.

Here is a list of moments that I do not like:
1. That moment when you go from thinking the boy is your match made in heaven for all eternity to thinking wow, you're really sort of a jerk.
2. The moment when you know you just ate way too much and now you're miserable.
3. That moment when you realize that a friend that you thought you were really close to doesn't really care as much for you as their other friends, because they've chosen them over you.
4. The moment when you realize that something you love isn't what it appears to be.
5. Those moments when it's very clear that adults do not take me seriously.
6. The moments when I feel lonely for no apparent reason.
7. That moment when it clicks in my head that I'm not giving it my all.
8. That moment when I had to give up fairy tales.
9. That moment when you were complaining about your life, and then something hits you in the face and says "You have a mother. You have a father. You have freedom. You have cute clothes and food and talents and different shoes to wear with different things. You live an abundant life, and you're complaining?"

Here is a list of moments I do like:
1. That moment when God's plan is suddenly perfectly clear, and you can see Providence working.
2. That moment when you finally find that someone who is actually there for you, no matter what.
3. The moments when you're silly, and you know it's okay.
4. The moment that you capture a beautiful scene with a camera and you can keep it forever.
5. The moment when you see a daddy holding his daughter's hand and her sweet smile is so huge.
6. That moment when it's suddenly perfectly clear to you that you have a best friend, and that best friend is going to stay your best friend, and never change.
7. Those moments when you're happy just because.

I know I have more bad than good. My optimist side needs a kick in the rear end so maybe it'll start working harder again.

That's all the random stuff, now on to deeper subjects that actually sort of have meaning.

I'm writing my little sister a song for Christmas. It isn't finished yet but almost. This is what I have so far.

I wanna tell you the story of a girl

Her eyes paint a portrait of blue skies

But she doesn’t know

When she was younger she used to believe

And took hold of rich fantasies

And she let them fly, she let them fly

This girl, well she wishes she could be

A well-known celebrity

Loved by all that see her face

 And sometimes I wish I could take her

And show her the mirror

And let her know all I see is glamour, and grace

Every morning I wake up and hear

Her singing songs like she knows the words

Chorus:

[Haley, why can’t you see?

That I’m already your biggest fan

And you don’t to have fame

To change the world]

And I will never really understand

The love she can have for a man

That she never knew

I love listening to her stories

Make you laugh like you wouldn’t believe

That light in her eyes

I wish that I could make you realize

You’re so beautiful, and you don’t even try

[Chorus]

Oh, when will you see?

You’re everything you dreamed that you would be.

I don't think I'm some genius songwriter or anything, it's just really not my forte. I thought it would be a cute idea and I'm really inspired by Haley but even still, songwriting is really hard. Taylor Swift must have a whole lot of inspiration and creativity flowing in her brain, she could probably write about 10 songs in the time it's taken me to write this one. But I want it to be perfect. Which is why I'm not done.

But nevertheless, I'm really glad I could do this for my sister because she is just so unique and genuine and I know sometimes as a teenage girl she feels inferior, but I don't want her to feel that way. She is so beautiful and I'm quite sure that she is completely unaware of that. Maybe this will give her an idea.

Sometimes my patience runs dry with Haley because she's pretty spunky when she's in the mood. She can talk ninety-to-nothing and sometimes she isn't good at letting other people talk when she's in a talkative mood but she doesn't do it intentionally to spite me. I should really work on my patience.

I really love when Haley asks me bible questions even though I don't know the answers. That means she's interested in truth and I'm very proud of her for that. Sometimes I don't think I encourage that enough. It really is a great thing.

All in all I just want her to see how great she really is. Maybe I don't tell her enough.

I know I talk about my best friend a lot but... get over it.

Yesterday I went to Hannah's house along with Lindy Abercrombie and we spent the night snuggling on the couch with Nicolas Sparks movies and squalled our eyes out. I was really in need of some girl time. I love my friends from school but I know where I can completely open up and be completely myself, holding nothing back. It's with Hannah and Lindy. They make me feel so completely at home with myself and what I'm going through. I told them absolutely everything I could think of and got advice and  laughed so hard that even looking back I just have to smile.

If the term "soul mate" applied to best friends then Hannah would be mine. I know a lot of people might think we're weird what with how alike we are and how much time we spend together but honestly, with no rudeness intended, you just can't possibly understand. I honestly would not be here today without that girl. I have no idea who I would be. 

And I don't talk about Mrs. Darla a lot but I love her so much, too. Hannah's mom. I feel like I can approach her just as my own mom. She makes me feel so at home, which I'm very thankful for because I love their home and tend to spend a lot of time there.

I've just got so many wonderful people in my life.

If any of this made sense then I'm greatly surprised.

parrot mountain

One day, I will be married on those stone stairs.

My family and I took our biannual trip to Gatlinburg this past weekend. That picture was taken at Parrot Mountain in Pigeon Forge. It is the most beautiful place I believe I have ever been.

I give up. I've been giving people the benefit of the doubt for a very long time, and it's time that I start facing reality and doing what's best for me. And that's to just forget, and be happy.

Today I'm very thankful for dates with Hannah, optimistic people, my cat who is still kicking after 15 years, music, ability, good books, my family, my freedom to be silly when I want to, people that love me even after they've learned everything about me (like my perfectionism and jealousy and unintentional yet periodical snobbiness), football, texting, parrot mountain, things that smell good, my guitar, showtunes, blogging, splenda.

I don't know why the thought ever crosses my mind that I would like to be someone else, because I have the most wonderful life ever. I hope I don't waste any more time wishing I could fix things that are out of my control. 

dream

last night i had a dream and i really wish i wouldn't have.

but it was a good dream.

it felt SO REAL.

i woke up smiling and content.

and then saw the hotel room and the bright desk clock flashing 4 A.M.

i stopped smiling.

and so once again, i have come to the realization that the people that i wish to see, the moments i would love to relive over and over...

... they are the ones that hurt me the most.

i should be happy enough with the people that have stuck with me through it all.

and not base my happiness upon one who hasn't.

i take for granted

Today was a wake-up call. And I don't mean a little voice inside my head.

I'm talking fireworks before my eyes. A million strobe lights shining all at once. A cannon is shot.

And I am so, so thankful.

Sometimes, I get irritated because we don't have any apples or special k.

Over 30,000 people starve to death every day.

Once in a while I'll become irritated with my family and go to my room with a slightly snobby attitude.

Some peope don't have a complete family unit like I do. Some people have no one but themselves.

Sometimes I cry over boys.

Lots of people cry over lost loved ones.

I worry about whether I made a 95 on the last Chemistry test.

Some people worry about whether they'll live to see tomorrow.

I'll probably get lots of clothes, books, and extra money for Christmas.

Some little boys and girls would love to own a pair of shoes.

God created me. God saw I was a sinner. God sent His Son to save me. 

I can't imagine the alternative.

I have a family. I have Christian friends. I have life. I have beautiful Alabama. I have shoes. I have the Bible. I have ability. I have hands to work, legs to take me where I want to go. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I have an influence. I have health. I have warm clothes. I can have my favorite foods every day. I can drive to school. I can live in peace and not in fear.

Goal:

stop complaining.

stop worrying.

give thanks often.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
- Matthew 6:25-34