drifting

people are always drifting. and i'm selfish. my heart wants to keep everyone so very close, like magnets that pull our hearts together and make them almost one. i want to hold on forever. but people drift in and out of our lives for a reason, the drifting has a set course and i believe i would not be too bold to call that Providence. when my heart hurts the person i need drifts so very closely, and mends the brokenness. but these angels aren't only needed in my heart, and sometimes i have to let them drift away so that someone else can be mended. so their lives can be made just a little bit more perfect because of that angel who is making their heart better.

my heart is never alone, there's always someone there to heal my brokenness. but sometimes it's sad to see your favorite angels drifting away to save someone else. because at that moment that they attach to someone else's heart, you become a little bit less of their life than you were before

but maybe i'm drifting, too

home

i'm in love. i'm so in love and i'm ashamed that it took reading a book to re-convince me of just how deeply and irrevocably and undeniably i am in love.
i am in love with God. my God is the God who created everything. did you catch that? my God created everything. the breath you and i just took simultaneously, he gave us that. your brain cells and the billions of universes that exist and every cell contained in one square inch of your skin. thousands of species of trees and birds and bananas and everything you've ever seen, thought, or felt. my God was the mastermind behind it all. and i love Him.
why do i sometimes forget how privileged i am to serve Him? why does it become "i have to study, i have to pray, i have to worship" like i'm checking off my to-do list for the things-i-have-to-do-to-go-to-heaven. when did being a christian become more about making it to heaven and less about being completely and utterly in love with the One who created it all? being unable to imagine an eternity that was not filled with Him?

"The critical question for our generation- and for every generation- is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

that paragraph scared me when i read it. how could i forget that? how could i go on dreaming about heaven and being frightened by hell and doing all these necessary things in my life to reach for one and avoid the other, but completely forget the love that God deserves and demands from His followers? God DESIRES that i love Him. me, little old shauna blake baker with the laugh that explodes at inappropriate times and the unhealthy stress level... God wants me to love Him. and He loves me. and oh, I cannot understand it but He loves me so much. and I'm in love with Him.

i hope i never forget this. i'm putting it in writing so that i will have somewhere to go, something to read my thoughts while i was so on fire for God that it hurts. because i'm not like this all the time. but oh, i want to be. i want want want to love more and more and more until i have nothing left to give and then, i want to give it all. i want to be vulnerably and defenselessly in love with God, so that the only thing i have to protect me from life is Him.

i want to be ready to die all the time. i want to look at my things and laugh at myself for collecting such an array of stuff that profits me nothing. i want to live like i'm ready to die so that i can finally live. what about heaven. i want to know what my mind will think the very second i enter the gates. what is the first thought that will enter my mind when i am finally in heaven? when i'm finally home? in times like this i want to be there so much and at other times my fleshly mind forgets that my laptop and estelle my cute little car and all the books on my shelf and the purses i buy even when i know i already own thirty, all those things are here like a vapor and then they will vanish. and what will be left? my love for God. that will be with me. that's the only possession that I can hold onto forever. my soul inside that aches to find it's Maker. the calling inside me that's always longing for home.

stream of consciousness

Earlier I went to a County Commission meeting and I got all dressed up (which was completely unnecessary but I like to dress up and mom said it'd be good if I looked nice) and went in to observe. It wasn't exactly a willful decision because it's a requirement for our youth leadership program, but it turned out to be not bad at all. Of course it only lasted 10 minutes so I can't really say this was a huge accomplishment for me, I might have been bored to tears if it had been any longer. But my favorite part was at the end when all the commissioners came over to us and shook our hands and we introduced ourselves. I love to meet people older than me. I felt so growny telling them all my name. I have a fascination with meeting adults, honestly... mostly because I can't wait to feel like I'm completely a part of their world. For a moment I felt like a professional adult, shaking hands and exchanging how-you-do's. It was a very self-satisfying feeling, although they might not have realized how exciting that was for me. I can't wait to be taken seriously. I might even go into politics one day.
Afterwards I had the sudden urge to be anywhere but home. Home is where I'd become casual again, just a teenage girl on a Monday night watching television and blogging about her melodramatic life. I wanted to go out in my khakis and dress shoes and pretty cardigan and pretend to be someone else for a while, someone unfamiliar but powerful and authoritative and respected. I place way too much emphasis on the world's opinion of me, I have to admit. I obsess over being the kind of person people will like. I want to be respected and influential to people... it seems so completely selfish when I am trying to put this into words. I suppose it is pretty selfish, to want so much to be liked... but I want it for other's benefit, too. I want someone to say in the last few minutes of their life that Shauna Baker was someone they never forgot, someone that changed their life for the better.
I want a family one day. I want to raise children and be the most caring mother they could ever know. But not too soft. I want to guide and be respected. I want to be the parent that doesn't have to punish their kids, because just the fear of disappointing me is enough to keep them out of trouble. I want a house that's always clean enough for surprise visitors, but comfty. Not rigid and fragile. I want crayon portraits on the walls, not expensive adornments that have no meaning. I want color and life. I want openness and unity in my home, connection and closeness. I want to be able to hear the music my daughter is playing in the next room. I want to gather in the living room at night because that's where the family feels most at peace, when we're all together and enjoying just being in each other's presence. I want love in my home. Maybe I'm asking for perfection, but if nothing else, there has to be love... flowing from the walls and ceiling and hardwood floors and gathered into each of our hearts.
Before I want a family, I want a husband. I want the man that God made me for, the one for whom I'm to be a helpmeet. I want lazy afternoons reading books and snuggling on the couch. I want little furniture but much planning in our small, familiar home. I want coordination but spontaneity. Colors that don't match but do. I want bible studies and youth rallies and teenagers at our home all the time. I want to be the forever hostess, always welcoming a visitor and never turns away neither a strange nor a familiar face from her home. I want to be loved because I'm godly and virtuous. I want to coordinate events with other Christian ladies... perhaps we'll start a weekly study on how to be godly wives, or how to evangelize, or how to raise faithful children. We can do anything if we have only passion. I want to write a novel and magazine articles and publish heartfelt words for teenage girls to read and grow from. I want to speak at ladies days and be known because I am godly. I want to be wanted for spiritual encouragement. I want to get phone calls in the middle of the night because a young girl needs encouragement. I want to be summoned when a sister in Christ has entered a crisis and needs support and guidance. I want to be the best I can be in everything that I'm good and learn to be good at things that I couldn't begin to do right now. I want to grow and love and be loved and be pleasing to God. I want to make change happen. I want to put a dent in worldliness, one that won't be soon forgotten when my life is over. I want to be a role model through spiritual beauty.
I have big dreams. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the world of being an average teenager but they're always there. I was not called out by God to be an average teenager... Maybe dreaming is a part of that. Or maybe that's just a part of me. But truly, there shouldn't be any distinction.

I love the sky. If someone were to ask me what I felt was God's most masterful and beautiful creation, the sky would immediately come to mind. It's like an indefinite canvas for God's painting, the colors change everyday and is beyond anything any artist could ever create. Anything beautiful that man can create... the ability came from God. I know this because of the beauty of his artwork, the sky and the mountains and the oceans and the intricate details of a tiny flower or human eye. The rivers flow into the oceans that rise into the clouds and wash the Earth again, and this cycle says that God is. The eyes receive an imagine which is then transmitted into the human brain and understood, felt, appreciated, and this process says that God is. The sun rises above the rocky mountain top creating a stream of color, and gradually crescendos into its highest point where the entire Earth is filled with life and color and vibrancy, and then the colors cool as the great light descends into its rest and the purple blue hues tell the Earth goodnight, and the stars twinkle as they awake from their rest and the swollen moonlight casts a heavenly glow on the resting world, and this work of art says that God is.

I wish I could be a bird, flying closer and closer into the warm color of day and the cool comfort of night. Departing in a twinkling and returning after seeing the entire world from a whole different view. Not tied down by any mortal force of gravity, completely free and unrestrained and fearless.

And the best part is that one day, I'll never have to be tied to Earth again. I'll soar on wings of eagles unto the place of eternal rest.

And if God's creation for only a short time is this beautiful, I can only imagine what heaven must be- His ultimate masterpiece.

day one

Our minds are such psychological wonders. It's all God God God and His creation is so complex. Everything in the world makes me sad until I gather together with God and His people and we lock the doors and I can breathe again, and then I know why God wanted the church to be unified so we could exhort one another and lift the burdens and let ourselves just breathe and feel a little bit lighter and laugh together and cry together and hold hands because we're bonded. I'm already about to cry. There are so many things I want to say and I don't know where to start or end or how to organize so they are running together, but I think that's the wonderful thing about this whole blogging thing that some genius invented because nothing really matters except letting your ideas flow like running water as they're escaping my brain and it doesn't have to be pretty or organized or make any sense. I was so lost before Exposure 2010. I didn't know how to be invincible in Christ anymore. I was weak and afraid and hopeless, which is a very scary thought. I might have a few Sundays where I just get really pumped up for serving God and thinking that nothing and no one will stand in my way and then I go to school. I really hate school. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I don't because that would be a straight up lie. I hate hate hate it. And school is not a person with a soul or feelings so I'm allowed to hate it. I hate it because it takes me farther away from God instead of closer, but it's mostly my fault for letting people and worldliness stand in my way. But the sinful world took God away from my school, and teachers curse and kids gossip and are rude and hateful and they want me to do the same and I want to scream NO NO NO but I'm just so weak and tired of being different sometimes that I don't know how to not be like the world anymore. How scary is that? Forgetting what it's like to not be like the world. And before now I would say that yes, I'm a Christian but I would complain that it's just too hard in an environment like Cherokee County High School and so I'd make excuse excuse excuse for not stepping up to the plate when God gets made fun of or poor Johnny with no friends sits by himself at lunch, because Satan is in my mind and he says that kind of behavior is only for eccentric Christians and nobody likes them anyway, so I should try to be as much like the world as I can and that way I won't offend anybody. THAT IS SO MESSED UP ON SO MANY LEVELS. And I'm glad that Satan is reading this because I can tell you right now that is NOT gonna happen to me again. I am so tired of being a non-controversial Christian and talking myself into being an abbreviated version of a Christian because I'll be more well-liked and accepted. 1) Being accepted by the world should not be some awesome accomplishment and you don't get a medal of honor for that, it should initiate some serious introspection. and 2) Christ Jesus was HATED and KILLED and His apostles and disciples were HATED and KILLED so why in the world should I believe that I will be liked because I'm a Christian? It isn't easy and it isn't popular and that's why we're a distinct people and we have to have each other or we'll sink.

But these are the lies I've told myself for I don't even know how long and I'm just sick thinking about it and I want to cry because I was not a good person and I did not have the right mindset that I'm supposed to have as a Christian and God was not proud of me when I went to school and laughed at bad jokes and rude comments. It breaks my heart when I picture Him turning His face away from me and now the tears are really coming so I apologize for any spelling errors that might result.

Our minds are psychological wonders. We thoroughly convince ourselves that the beginning of a new year makes us a completely new person with a clean slate and we are not going to be anything like the person we were 30 seconds ago as soon as the clock strikes 12:00 and everyone's hugging and we all think life will be new and different and easier. But the truth is that the world doesn't change from 11:59 to 12:00, it's still the same sick sinful world and the only thing that can change is the people living in the world. But it isn't as easy as a little decision in the back of our minds to vaguely "do better" and then go with our daily routine, it has to be active and constant and grounded in faith that we can change because the gospel changes lives. It changed mine on Wednesday night when I was in an auditorium with over 1000 people and sang

In Christ alone my hope is found

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless Babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

I sang that song (half sobbed/half sang) and suddenly I had a yearning for my post-baptism moment when I knew that standing in Christ I am invincible and nothing in the world can separate me from God's love unless I let it and this song just filled me up and dwelling on every single verse made me realize how much I missed out on God. I haven't even been letting Him speak to me like I should or laying my burdens on Him like I have the privilege to do because I've been selfish and thinking I can handle it all alone and I can't. When the speaker got up on the stage and told me that his father died of cancer when he was not ready, and everything felt so hopeless and I just thought you poor poor man, but at the same time I wanted what he had, that hope that he was talking about, the hope that helped him get down on his knees and hand it all over to God and when he asked God to take the cancer away, God answered, and now that cancer will never come back and that man's father is living in his glorious day away from all sorrow and pain with God.

It took me about 3 or 4 invitation songs to finally make my way into God's grace again but luckily the song leader understands people like me who are selfish and think we can handle things alone but we just need a little encouragement to remember that we were never made to stand alone. I held Mary's hand and we cried and cried but we smiled at each other and I whispered to her "We get to go to heaven" and now my heart whispers that to me when I feel hopeless and weak. I remember that God said it would be hard but He will never ever leave me even when I feel so alone. I will never fit in at that school again but that's okay with me because I probably won't remember anyone after I leave except the few people that have kept me sane and after that I'm on to make my own way in the world, and the only one that will never ever leave me is my Lord. And I will never, never, never, leave him again.

I'm so happy. I'm clean and redeemed and saved and one day, I'm going to heaven to be with God and sing to Him and praise Him for ages upon ages and never get tired.

The tags for this blog is going to be like a rainbow of emotions because I'm so moody.

Welcome to day one of Shauna Baker being exactly who God wants her to be, and not letting anything or anyone stand in her way.

"What then shall we say to these things? If god is for us, who can be against us?... Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written: 'For your sake we are killed all day long; We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.' Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31, 35-39

grown-up

I play pretend. Sometimes I pretend that I'm unaffected by criticism, but inside I'm dwelling on every single word that person said. And they might not even mean it as criticism, just a casual comment about my grades or my goals or anything really... I keep it inside and try to fit the mold of what that person wants me to be. But outside I pretend that it doesn't phase me. Or  I pretend I don't hear when people say hateful things to other people, or don't notice when the people that are being victimized get that lonely, distant look in their eyes that says they've given up. I don't have to experience that feeling very often BUT I do know what it feels like to be lonely and I hate hate hate it. And that's exactly what harmful words do, they make us feel lonely and unwanted and it's cruel, but it's hard to be the only one standing up while everyone else is sitting down, so sometimes I just pretend I don't notice. I pretend that I didn't hear them use God to describe a stubbed toe or something "***-awful", because God isn't awful at all and how could anything be described that way? But that isn't a popular opinion, so I pretend I didn't hear. I pretend my "friend" isn't laughing at another girl's clothes or who she asked to prom, and how she got turned down. I smile and say to myself you didn't hear that, Shauna, just try to change the subject. Which doesn't help the situation at all but the prospect of losing the support of that "friend" is scary, so I pretend that I didn't hear what she was saying. I pretend that I'm a wonderful student because I make good grades but when I get home I don't prepare as well as I could, and usually on tests I just get lucky because I'm good at problem-solving and process of elimination. I pretend that I make better than other people because I work for it but really I work just hard enough to stay comfortably the same. Pretty high A's, a low one in A.P. History because it's just "not my forte". That suffices as satisfactory, right? I pretend that it's the best I can do but I'm lying.

These things make me a very bad person and it makes me really sad that I have to admit all of that. I wish I didn't have to pretend ever, like I could just be completely myself and that be enough, and do the right thing in every situation and be loved by all the world and be a leader and a good listener and un-selfish. But truthfully, I'm not an expert at any of these things. Sometimes I talk more than I listen or tune out during the most important parts of a story, or think that something happening in my life is more important than what is happening in the other person's life so I end up warping everything they say to fit an experience that I have had so I can talk. It's a pet peeve of mine but it's also very easy to do because I guess we're all human beings that have a selfish nature, and everything is about me me me and what I can get and the attention and praise that I can receive by doing something. I wish I could do something great. Like start a campaign to do good things, like raising a lot of money for a charity or changing the filth that's on TV or bringing God back into our schools. I want to paint a picture or write a song that will make someone cry. I wish I could be an anonymous songwriter who changes the world but still gets to live in it and see people's real reactions to the music I write, to see the joy or sadness light up their faces in realization when they hear what I've created and know their honest opinions, without sugar coating. You can tell your best friend "this song comes on the radio every day and it's so stupid" but if your best friend wrote a song, I'm sure you would "love" it no matter what. I don't want that, I want truth. I wish I could be an anonymous painter whose works hang in galleries all around the world and cause people to think deeply and be moved and feel love and all those incredible emotions that come with great art. I want other people's lives to be better because of mine but I feel so limited because I have an A.P. History final to study for and a room to clean. I have priorities but they aren't chosen, they're thrust upon me because I'm a teenager and I'm not ready for the real world yet. I love education and knowledge and preparation for my future, but it's like so much time goes into preparing us to "enter" the world and we don't have the chance to live in the one we have now, to make our differences and be a distinct personality that is working to create change in a sea of idleness. I wish I could spend my whole day learning things and experiencing things that will directly affect my future. I would read novels and take trips to Italy and Greece and take beautiful pictures of historic places and practice writing articles about their history, so other people can experience them, too. I would learn about how to persuade an audience through writing and how to not stutter when I deliver speeches. I want to learn how to be a shining light to children that are so lost in their world that has been morphed by hate and abuse... I would learn how to build a friendship with someone 4 times my age and how to listen to their stories. I want to learn what makes people happy and how to write in a way that reaches right through to their hearts and puts their emotions into better clarity. I want to write music that will take people on a journey and sing in a way that soothes and comforts. I want to be secretly loved because of what I am and not who, how old, how nice or kind I am.

This reflective mood is really taking over now. Be prepared for a very long post today.

My best friend Paige has lost everything in her life that means anything in mine, and I don't know how she does it but she is THE STRONGEST PERSON I WILL EVER MEET. In the past month she has lost both her parents, and her health is declining (though she probably won't admit it to most.) She has headaches a lot but she comes to school every day... the day her mom died, she was here. The first day of school after her dad died, she was here. And others might have different stories but she didn't shed a tear those days in front of me. I'll admit that she looked close but I know if I'm ever close to tears, there's no stopping the flow and I just have to cry. Her strength isn't that she wasn't affected by all that's happening in her life, but that she is very affected by it and still chooses to press on. She isn't giving up on life or God or happiness. And it makes me sad to think that I'll never be that strong, and it makes me sad to think that after everything that I've seen happen to distort that girl's life, I still had to include how this tragic event is affecting me. It shouldn't even be anything about me but sometimes I'm selfish and I forget and that's sickening.

I'm very thankful for Sunday morning bible study when I get to sit around a table with sweet Christian girls that want to be the best they can be, and we talk and laugh and sometimes cry but it's all okay, because behind that closed door we are sworn to secrecy and nothing will leak out. It's all honesty. Last week was a very favorite week of mine because we talked about people that mean the most to us. I watched Cam Newton get the Heisman award on Saturday and thought about how he had such an awesome effect by his life, that every person remotely interested in football or sports or Auburn was watching him and listening to his speech. I thought about how influential he could be and probably already is to the whole nation. I was so jealous of that speech, where he was speaking to pretty much every single person that knew his name and he could mold their opinions of him greatly by every word he spoke. He had such an opportunity as he does each time he gets out on the football field. We always think of celebrities and athletes as being inspirational and having a ridiculous influence on our country. Well, I was definitely wrong. Because when I was asked to name the Heisman trophy winner 4 years ago and even farther back, I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell you Miss America's name, Miss Alabama, the "Sexiest Man Alive" (okay, Ryan Reynolds is currently but I only know that because he was on the news today and he's... yeah... okay gorgeous, BUT this doesn't defer from my point so just hold on). The point is that all these people that we think are going to be the shining stars of our lives because of their fame... Eventually, we'll forget them. If I'm ever blessed to pass 70 years old, I won't remember the name of Ryan Reynolds probably. He didn't change my life. But I will always remember the people who most of the world does not know. My mother, my best friend, my bible school teacher, people that have given me advice and led me on the path to becoming more Godly. I can't forget those people, because they've changed my life. To me, they're famous, and they have more of an impact on me than Ryan Reynolds will ever have.

One day I trust that life will make more sense but sometimes I just get so lost. Maybe I'm caught up with little pictures instead of big pictures. Final exams versus the next 20 years of my life, and where I want to be spiritually.

I have accepted the fact that sometimes people will not make any sense whatsoever. Like when girls post a picture of the same exact thing from 2534 different angles (we get it... you're in the car.) Or when guys take mirror pics... You know, they throw up the peace sign and take their picture in the mirror, sometimes shirtless but preferably not? Please, guys... There really isn't much I can say about that. Also, it doesn't make sense to say "I love you" one day and completely shut that person out of your life the next, but people do it anyway. It doesn't make sense to sit in your living room and watch people on television have sex or make fun of God or use the f bomb to describe things that doesn't even make sense, when if there were real people in your living room doing those things I'm pretty sure you'd be more than a little offended. So why let it into your home and into the minds of your kids through the TV? What's the difference? The difference is that if anyone is on television, everyone automatically seeks to idolize them, so it's even worse to see mister hot shot do bad things on TV that just anyone, because then kids want to accept it as cool. Why do we do this? Doesn't make sense.

Sometimes the world plays out as a horror movie. It's sick sick sick and I want to fix it but I have to do homework and sleep so I'm not tired for school and there's just no time no time no time so I give up. But I don't want to. I just don't know how to not give up on the world. It's so sick with sin.

When I grow up, I'm gonna write a book for teenagers that tells them how to use their youth to conquer the world. It'll teach girls how to be brave and wait for the perfect man to actually court her, treat her with respect and help her achieve her spiritual goals. I'll tell young people that being young is not an excuse nor a restraint to be idle in serving God and trying to conquer evil by doing good. When I grow up I'll travel the world and capture brilliance in photographs and newspaper articles and music. I will be a good speaker who can capture her audience in one spoken word, spoken most thoughtfully, and leave the thought lingering for hours in their minds.

I want to be grown-up so bad.

But, of course, teenager duties call and I must go study about events that I will surely not remember past 11:00 tomorrow morning.

i take for granted

Today was a wake-up call. And I don't mean a little voice inside my head.

I'm talking fireworks before my eyes. A million strobe lights shining all at once. A cannon is shot.

And I am so, so thankful.

Sometimes, I get irritated because we don't have any apples or special k.

Over 30,000 people starve to death every day.

Once in a while I'll become irritated with my family and go to my room with a slightly snobby attitude.

Some peope don't have a complete family unit like I do. Some people have no one but themselves.

Sometimes I cry over boys.

Lots of people cry over lost loved ones.

I worry about whether I made a 95 on the last Chemistry test.

Some people worry about whether they'll live to see tomorrow.

I'll probably get lots of clothes, books, and extra money for Christmas.

Some little boys and girls would love to own a pair of shoes.

God created me. God saw I was a sinner. God sent His Son to save me. 

I can't imagine the alternative.

I have a family. I have Christian friends. I have life. I have beautiful Alabama. I have shoes. I have the Bible. I have ability. I have hands to work, legs to take me where I want to go. I have opportunity. I have freedom. I have an influence. I have health. I have warm clothes. I can have my favorite foods every day. I can drive to school. I can live in peace and not in fear.

Goal:

stop complaining.

stop worrying.

give thanks often.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?
28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.
- Matthew 6:25-34

stop stressing shauna baker

So I'm supposed to be writing an essay using 500 words of original thought about: if I were an employer, under what circumstances would I fire an employee, or in my opinion, what invention or discovery has brought about the most far-reaching and lasting changes in our civilization.

Original thought is very tiring.

Which is very ironic considering I enjoy writing original thoughts online, but that's much less stressful and I don't feel like I will be judged. Well I guess I am being judged, that is given someone reads this, since it is a natural human tendency to judge even though we don't intend to sometimes. But that kind of judging doesn't really matter as much as sending in an official original thought essay for Writer's Bowl competition because this could really be a great thing if I won.

I stress myself out way too easily.

This is a problem. Matt is trying to teach me how to not stress myself out but I'm really not very good at not being stressed. Wise people always told me to set goals for myself, but I think I set too many in too many different categories so that it's hard to stretch myself across all of them.
Like getting best in class drum major in competition and valedictorian and winning this Writer's Bowl thing and advancing in the line-up for tennis this year and getting All-State on flute.
And I think that if I push myself enough that I can do all these things but the reality is that I can't be best at everything even though it would be nice. I'm not best at tennis and I'm not the best drum major or the best writer or flute player or teen genius or whatever, and the people that are the best do one thing and practice hard and do really well at it. Which I would rather have fun and be semi-talented in many areas rather than spend my entire high school career doing one thing and trying to be perfect at it.

So I'm trying really hard to stop stressing about things that I cannot control. But it's very hard.

I also cannot control how people treat other people cruelly. That's one thing I'm pretty much never guilty of, I'm proud to say, but I guess some people just really have trouble respecting other people. Like the other day at school when a group of guys were harassing a girl making her dance so they could laugh at her. I know she probably isn't really all there, and she might not realize that they were making fun of her, but everyone else did notice. It made the guys look really bad and I lost all respect for them right then. I tried along with the people around me to get the girl to come talk to us instead of staying with that group of guys but they kept getting her attention and asking her to do some more dancing. Finally after about 10 minutes I was just super angry, and that's pretty rare for me because I don't get mad hardly ever but I was mad and I screamed at them. It didn't help the situation, which screaming usually doesn't and I shouldn't have but I didn't know how to make it stop.
I didn't really know what to do and even know I don't know how I should have handled that situation.
But I don't care who it is and whether they realize it or not, making fun of other people just makes you look heartless. Especially right in front of them.
I know sometimes we say if you have something to say about someone you should say it to their face, but I'm not sure whether we mean that or not. Sometimes I'm aware people might be saying things about me, but when someone walks up to my face and makes the statement and hurts my feelings I don't respect them any more than the people saying it behind my back. Sure they're more courageous but they're also less sensitive.

Well through all this I have not discovered any epiphanic (didn't know that was an adjective until now) thoughts about being an employer or important inventions, but at least I've gotten some thoughts out there.
The only invention I can think of would be internet but that's totally generic and I'm sure by the time they get to mine they'll be completely bored of hearing that. But it makes sense because these days I'm pretty much revolved around internet and it's very unhealthy. I need to make some changes.

October Resolutions:


1. Don't stress.


2. Stay off the internet and build some intellect.


3. Pray; don't try to handle things on my own.


4. Be friendly. All the time. To everybody.


5. Never let this room get that nasty again.


6. Accept myself and my abilities, and don't push what my feeble mind cannot handle.


7. Use less personal pronouns.


8. Let conversation revolve less around myself and more about others.


9. Be happy.


10. Drink less coffee and Diet Dr. Pepper before my teeth turn a serious irreversible shade of yellow.




I kept realizing more and more things to change but I don't know if I can handle that many at one time so we're gonna stick with this for now. I'll let you know how that goes.
I'm tempted to post a song that I am listening to at the moment but I'm afraid it will reveal too many of my true feelings which are to remain secret at the moment because in my mother's words I have to "play it cool."


This song describes my every emotion perfectly though, just sayin'. =) I love when that happens.

Oh by the way I REALLY REALLY REALLY LOVE FALL. I even love it enough to do a whole bunch of obnoxious capitalization in one sentence because it is purely the greatest season of the year. It's cooling off sometimes, and you've got football and hoodies and campfires and band competitions and everything good in life. :) I think I'd like to keep fall for a while, just a little bit cooler temperature and then it can stay as long as it likes.

lately

First of all I would like to say that to anyone who listened to me cry and squall and complain and tell you how hard my life is for the past few days, you're my hero. And I'm sorry for turning into such a downer. I've truly never experienced a time in my life that is this hard before and I feel the need to blog about it because by tomorrow I plan to have it all gone and be back to normal Shauna again.
The first thing you should probably know, in case you don't, is that my Dad has been in the hospital.
Woah.
The last time I was this afraid for my Dad was when he was in a car accident and was taken straight to the ER and we had to wait in the waiting room for like 2 hours before I knew anything.
Except this time, I've waited 5 days and they still don't really and truly know what's causing my Dad to have so much pain.
But luckily it's controlled now, and he can hopefully be home tomorrow. I really hope so. It's one of those things where I truly love my Dad, but maybe in the past I didn't always hug him before I left for school, or just say I love you for no reason, or ask his advice when I'm having a hard time. And now that I can't do all those things it's made me realize how much I really need my Dad, and I don't know what I would do if this was forever.
But luckily it's not, and I know for some people they aren't lucky enough to say that, and to them I am truly sorry. You are much stronger than I will ever be.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my Dad and I are alike. We really are. See Mom and Haley are the detailers. When they hear a story, they want to know everything about it. What time you got there what was the person's middle name what shirt were you wearing how did they say it why? All of those things. See me and Dad, sometimes we just really want to know the ending. We like absolutes, simplicity. We're more of 'sit there and listen' rather than ask questions about it. And it's not like I prefer that over the personality of other people because I love Mom and Haley and love talking to them, but it's just like me and Dad have that connection. I got that from him. I have his hair and his doubts and love for tennis, although his ability surpasses mine tenfold even with all the ridiculous surgeries he's had. He can whoop me anyday. We aren't always good with expressing our feelings, we're afraid to let our emotions show and sometimes we hide it when we're upset. We can't always put feelings into words but writing comes like breathing. My dad can write a letter that will bring you to tears, and he has many times that I've read them. He loves Math and chocolate, and he hates to feel that he has let himself down by not accomplishing his full potential. All these things he has instilled in me. Sometimes I let myself dislike something about myself and then I remember oh, I got that from my Dad, so I smile and all of a sudden I like myself again. :)
So yes, I love my Dad and that's been causing me stress that he isn't at home and nothing is normal.

Sunday I cried all stinkin' day long because Dad wasn't home and Mom wasn't home and I didn't have a boyfriend to cry to and my best friend was busy and my other best friend was gone and I just had to cry. I cried and cried and cried until my stomach just hurt and was in knots and I didn't want to eat.
Then about 1 A.M. I "got sick" (that's my nice word for throw up because I don't particularly like any other word people substitute there). After that I went to bed and felt better but then at 4 A.M. I was wide awake again with that same feeling. It was like something was taking everything in my insides and flipping it all backwards so it didn't fit quite right inside of me, and I thought I would get sick again but I didn't.
I didn't go to school that morning, and Mom left again to go to be with Dad.
I slept and slept and woke up and felt better, so at 11:40 I took the pre-written note that my mother had given me and checked in to school thinking that everything would be okay. I ate graham crackers for breakfast. I was feeling okay.
I got to class and sat down and felt all the eyes on me and the feeling was back. Everything that was so common place in my life had been thrown around inside of me and I couldn't be comfortable there. At 12:00 I said I was sick and went to the nurse. At 12:30 I went to Wal-Mart to get advil and sprite, and I went back home.
(p.s: sprite gets really old when it's the only thing you drink for 24 straight hours. just fair warning.)
So I thought well I must have a stomach virus and so I stayed home and didn't go to band practice after asking and making sure that was okay with Mr. Prather, which it was because of course he wanted me to rest and I'm pretty sure he probably didn't want the whole band with a virus on Saturday for competition.
Yeah, let's add a little bit more stress. I've missed two practices and competition is Saturday. We have one practice left.
So Monday I stayed in bed and just took it easy and thought well, by tomorrow this stomach virus will be gone and I can go to Youth Leadership Thing and it'll all be okay. I'll get caught up. (I had to also get caught up from 2 days last week when I was at the orthodontist/dentist, so that's a lot of catching up to do.)
I also cried a lot on Monday. I cried because I was just lonely and sick. Maybe that's why I was crying.
One time I opened the cabinet and smelled bubble gum candy smell, and almost fell down with the upside down feeling.
My grandparents came over and brought some pretzels with peanut butter in the middle that's good when you have Upset Stomach and "ohhh, I hope you feel better..." I really did feel better because people were here and I love these people and these people really care about me.
This morning the alarm went off and my stomach literally cringed at the sight of the clock. I sat up in bed. Felt queasy. Went back to sleep. 7 A.M. "Shauna, are you feeling better?" "Nnnmmmm..." Slept until 10.

Wake up. Go downstairs and my mom is actually still here, so I sit and talk and we laugh. I eat more of the wonderful peanut butter pretzels and drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, because Sprite just makes me cringe at this point.
Then I started to cry again...
Guys, I'm serious. I've never cried this much in a consecutive order in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn't even pinpoint the cause anymore, everything was just upside down and nothing could be right.
I had the open book on my lap to study for the three tests I would make up and I just couldn't look at it.
It would help if I weren't an extreme perfectionist who hates making bad grades ever. It's a sickness.
It was just i'm gonna make a bad grade daddy's not here i'm lonely my stomach hurts mom please don't leave why am i such a pessimistic loser my stomach hurts please come home Dad.

And this is the really really really sad part.
My Dad left me on Friday.
I read my Bible.
I said my prayers for meals and before bed.
Mom and I talked about needing God to help us through hard times.

...

I didn't lean on God.


And if I had truly leaned on Him, given Him all my burdens to carry, maybe I wouldn't have made myself sick.
Maybe I could have made a few more people happy instead of making everyone feel bad for me, when truly my Dad is the one they should be truly worried about.
Maybe this break-up wouldn't be so hard if I were more accepting of God's will.
Maybe I'd be a better best friend.
Maybe I wouldn't let my Mom down.
Maybe I would be a better example to my little sister.
Or maybe, I would have been able to see the example of my sister, who has taken everything in stride with God in mind.


I'm ashamed to say that yes, I did think about these things before now.
But I was wallowing in self pity.
I thought well Shauna Blake Baker doesn't have hard times like this. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. Why is everything happening to me? Why can't I just be happy anymore? Why won't God let me be happy?

And truth is, I was the one making myself sick and miserable all the while.







Even looking back on this blog I'm overwhelmed at my uses of personal pronouns.
I would delete it now but I want you all to see that yes, I can be self-absorbed sometimes because I'm human.
But that was wrong.
Everything for the past few days has been I FEEL SICK and I AM LONELY and I NEED ATTENTION. But truly all I needed was to mend my relationship with God.
All I needed to do was just breathe, and relax, and stop stressing over things I can't change.
And STOP thinking I'm the only person in this whole world who deserves to be happy.

My mom deserved to be happy, but she has to drive back and forth every day to see my dad with tubes coming in and out of him, and then see my crying over my little problems.
My dad deserves to be happy, but HE has to be in Birmingham away from his family and in tons of pain and not able to play tennis for months.
My grandparents deserve to be happy and not worry over whether their son will be home anytime soon.
Everyone who has called me, everyone who has checked up on me and my family, everyone who has prayed for us, they deserve the satisfaction of my thanks. Not my pessimism. They haven't done anything wrong.

So I'm sorry to everyone and to my Heavenly Father, who deserves so much more praise and glory than I have given Him. He is forever in control.





And now that all this is behind me, I love my God and I love my family and I just love life and all it's many glorious blessings. I love that trials make me stronger and sorrows always have a way of escape.

And finally, I love myself and that my God made me in His own image. I make mistakes and I've made a whole stinkin' lot these past few days but I'm ready to go into the world and be different and be a soul winner for the cause of my Lord. =)




I've also decided that I will not date until I am married, and that I will never touch Sprite again.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30