job

"I think one day, you and Job will probably be best friends"
- Haley

I love her.

about blogging

I think sometimes I psych myself out with this whole blog business and think I have to sound intelligent and serious and not overuse smiley faces because that will take away from the philosophical value of my words but that's pretty silly of me, because the only person who will really judge this is myself and the other two (perhaps three) people that actually take time to read it, and so it really doesn't matter if I sound intelligent or if my words are completely unintelligible because it's coming from my head so I shouldn't have to provide commentary on my own thoughts and feelings because I know what I'm talking about. But this is also contradictory since one could argue that since I know my own thoughts I shouldn't have to type them out, but it helps me to understand myself so I guess I'll keep typing things I already know and those two or three people might eventually get tired or reading all that random thought vomit but at least it helps me not go crazy. 
I like blogging because I don't have to use correct punctuation if I'm not in the mood (not correct grammar, I have to use that or I spaz, except in the case of run-on sentences), or if I want I can use the most ridiculous word in the dictionary that I didn't know the meaning of until I googled it just minutes ago, there is no universal standard and nobody can be offended if I use words they don't know the meaning of because I think it's enjoyable to use new words. It makes me happy. :)

I now have a deep obsession with National Geographic and I know exactly what I want to be when I grow up and that's a photojournalist. It's photography+writing+traveling to beautiful places all over the world, purely the best combination in the universe. I want to GO places and SEE things that the average person will never see, and then write all about my adventures and capture the beautiful moments with an extremely expensive camera and share it with the rest of the world so they can go there, too. It excites me to think about it all. The future is so exciting because it's all open to my own judgement and I get to form it from scratch like a sculpture, except sometimes everything won't be chiseled exactly how I'd like but still, I have an impact through every decision I'm making to formulate my own destiny. THAT is just cool.

Right now I'm reading a book entitled "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" which you would think would be completely silly, but it's actually already one of my favorite books and I'm only about 3/4 done with it and it isn't silly at all, in fact I've been close to tears many times (never caving, but probably will because I usually do), but that usually for me means that it's a very good book because I get emotional when I really love things and especially books and movies. I don't want to ruin it for the < 3 people that are reading (since you obviously like to read if you read my extensive thoughts, and you might like to read this book because like I said it's pretty great), but I will say that I've learned a lot already. The book is about a journalist living in London and trying to decide upon a topic for a new book, and she receives a letter from a man living in Guernsey and they become pen pals, and he tells her the story of the Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society which formed in defense during the Holocaust, and so she becomes friends with all the society's members through letters and learns all their personal stories of the Holocaust. Now she has visited the island and is learning everything firsthand and growing closer to them all, and she is probably (I'm catching onto some serious foreshadowing) going to end up writing a book about Guernsey. It's one of those books that I don't want to put down and I don't want it to end, either, so I'm really in quite a predicament but I'm going to keep reading and maybe one day I'll reread it (I've never reread a book in my life, there's always something else interesting me more).

BUT to the actual point in writing about that book- I will never, hopefully, understand the kind of pain that those people endured, and it makes me feel so pathetic for the little bitty things that I complain about.  I think it was Thoreau who said that "there are those who starve day after day who express the same amount of anger and resentment as the fortunate man who becomes angry when he receives a hamburger with onions when he specifically ordered one without" (that's a horrendous quotation because I really don't remember but look it up, it's one to remember). But the point is that when every little disappointment in our lives is compared with that of others across the globe it absolutely cannot be paralleled, and it's quite ridiculous of us to believe that we have the right to complain when the wrong proportion of condiments are put on the greasy food we get to have when there are people right here in this country who would love to have the onions or tomatoes right off your Big Mac. I really need to work on this I think. I read about people who were tortured and went through so much more than I could ever endure and it's so completely obscure compared to the luxury that I live in, and I just don't think I or anyone else for that matter truly realizes how blessed we are. I am SO blessed that I have my family to play games with, even though sometimes I complain because I absolutely despise the game swap but that's what Haley absolutely loves to play, and I should be more agreeable and play it with her because lots of people don't have my kind of loving family and they don't have the kind of relationships with siblings that they would actually want to play games with each other. I'm so glad I do. My life as an only child would be pretty much boring beyond belief. 

Me and Hannah took this picture at Exposure. It's pretty much the best pun EVER

I honestly did not intend for this post to be so extensive. I think it's because I'm watching the national championship simply to be socially accepted and not because I'm pulling for either team, so I've been blogging the entire time to pass time since I don't really care and obviously watching football is very good for thought stimulation because I've remembered pretty much everything I want to write about on a regular basis but always forget about. 

Christians make the best friends in the universe. I will argue this to my death because I seriously don't know what I would do if I had to rely on people that don't love God to be my friends, because that one fact is so very important because otherwise we will never be able to discuss my faults and how I can be a better influence and how hard it is to resist temptation and how excited we are that _____ is coming to church now and nobody can compete with that kind of relationship. I've always had that in Hannah and this year I've grown so much closer to so many wonderful people, including so many lovely older ladies in the church that I would die for, they're so precious and I wish I had gone to them for advice more in the past. One is my sweet grandmother who is probably the best advice giver in the world. The other day we were having lunch and drinking coffee (I definitely got that obsession from her) and we started talking about high school and how much I hate it, and she said it was the same way when she was in high school, but after I get out then I'll feel like my own person again and that I shouldn't worry, and I was so thankful to her for helping me to catch that little glimpse of hope that there IS an end in sight, and even though sometimes I'm completely miserable I know that one day I'll be a free spirit in the world and I won't have to worry about those things anymore. I know it makes me sound like a pessimist, and I hate that it does because I'm actually a pretty big optimist, I love education and I love to find out new things but sometimes the social side becomes tiresome, but at any rate everyone has to go through it and even though I don't exactly appreciate the whole premise of high school I have to go through it too, and I'll come out a better and stronger person and ready to take on the world. Luckily I have the best Christian friends in the universe who help keep me sane. I think it's Aristotle who said "A friend to all is a friend to none" (I've been on a pretty big philosophical kick lately), and even though that sounds a bit rude I find it to be very true. I still love everybody because everybody's a soul and deserves love and appreciation simply because of what they are, but being "friends" means spending time together and appreciating each others company and sharing stories and secrets and troubles, and there's absolutely no way that you can have enough in common with every person you meet to become close friends with them, especially if they lie or cheat on tests or don't want to do anything with their life, I'm not going to mesh well with that person. But that doesn't mean I can't be nice and sweet and all. I've also heard it's better to have a few close friends rather than a bunch of semi close friends, which I also whole-heartedly agree with. I have that and I'm very very thankful. Not that I don't enjoy meeting new people and making friends, but I don't have to go out and spill all my life's secrets to someone I barely know just because I need someone to confide in, because I have a lot of people that I can confide in. Basically I'm blessed, a whole whole lot. I like my life a great deal.

That's all for today, over and out.

thoughts

It's beautiful outside and I love life and I love family and I love drinking coffee and watching the snow coat the lawn.

I can't wait to have a house and a family someday. Even though that is such a sobering thought because I'm going to be in charge of at least four more little lives besides my own (five if you include my Great Dane). It's scary but also extremely exciting. My house is going to be decorated to the max for every single season. Especially Christmas time makes me think about this because I just love going into houses where the Christmas spirit absolutely envelops you and you just feel so jolly. I think decorating my house is going to be one of the most fun things about being an adult. We will have a huge Christmas tree and every year we will add an ornament for every child and they'll each have their own stockings hanging from the mantle. I want everything to match from the dish towels to the place mats on the table. I wanna be "that mother" who records every single moment of their kids lives and even though it drives them absolutely crazy at the time, when they get to be a teenager they will appreciate it, if they're anything like me. I know I should be enjoying the here and now but I just can't help but be excited. Adult life really excites me, if you haven't noticed already.

I love birds. I think they are probably my favorite animal (notice I didn't say pet). They're so beautiful to watch in the open air but having one in my room... I'm pretty sure I would want to kill it after like a day. The other day I was at the tennis courts and all of a sudden from the trees there comes this flood of birds and they all fly over the court and cover the ENTIRE sky. Like seriously all I could see were black birds. And then they just formed this nice little V and I watched them fly away. That whole experience just screamed the existence of God to me. I think that's so convicting to see such beautiful masterpieces in nature like a bird's nature to fly together. It's probably one of the most convicting things to me along with the human body. I can't deny God's hand in that. Which is why sometimes I find it hard to try to convince people there is a God because if that doesn't speak to you and say there is a creator then I don't think many things will.

this only shows some of the birds I saw. i couldn't fit them all in one picture. they cover the entire lawn.

I just sang Haley's song to her and I got EXACTLY the reaction I was hoping for which is her jumping up and down and hugging me, and I'm just so thankful that she's so happy (to view Haley's song go here http://shaunablake.blogspot.com/2010/12/sister.html) I know I'm not a legit songwriter and I probably didn't express all my thoughts exactly right or in an eloquent way but I hope she at least got the message that she is beautiful and I love her. 

I cannot adequately express to you how much I hate pessimism. It just grieves my soul within to talk to someone who is looking on the bad side of things. Especially when it's ALL the time. Pessimistic people are never happy. I heard a story in a teen book in bible class about a vulture and a hummingbird. I guess you wouldn't really call it a story, more of a life situation. The vulture seeks the dead. He searches all over the earth for things that are decaying and rotten. But the hummingbird looks for flowers and sweet nectar. He searches for things that are blooming and living and giving new life. And in each situation, both get exactly what they are looking for.

So I took this as if I'm always searching for the negative aspects of life then negative results is the only thing I will reap out of that.

I really love optimism. I figure that since we each have a right to dictate our own emotions that means we all have a right to be happy. All the time. And you may be thinking that we really can't control our emotions which is also true. I should have phrased that better... What I mean is, we can do with our emotions what we want. Just because we're angry doesn't mean we have to go punch a wall or punch a face. Being annoyed doesn't mean we have to lash out and be rude to people. So if a situation turns bad and we're upset about it... well, I guess what I mean is, we don't have to dwell on the negative parts of the situation. We can control our thoughts even though we can't control our emotions, and by changing our thoughts (our outlook) we are in term really changing our mood and our emotions. And we can do this because happy isn't an "it". It doesn't depend on the things you possess or a perfect place you are in, or even a person that you love. "Happy" doesn't have to end when you get dumped by your boyfriend, betrayed by a close friend, burn your house down, break every bone in your body, or anything else horrible that you can think of. It doesn't have to end because it isn't dictated by material, earthly things. "Happy" is a conscious decision that we make to be content in every situation that we are in. Now believe me, I am NOT an expert at this and I am just as susceptible to complaining as anyone else when I'm put in a bad situation. Because I make mistakes and sometimes I forget that I can be happy regardless. But there's a difference in falling off the wagon and jumping off the wagon pulling everyone else off with you and pushing it off a cliff on a regular basis (Lieutenant Flynn said something to that effect on Closer last night and I really liked it, even though he was not talking about optimism but I believe the rule applies anyway). You don't have to look on the bad side ALL THE TIME. I just can't imagine how people can stand that. You would never ever be content with anything and that just sounds like misery to me.

That's the end of my rant and now my thoughts have ceased for now.

it's late

But who cares because it's CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK CHRISTMAS BREAK

I have a wicker chair in my room now. I absolutely love this thing. I can lean back with a book or my laptop and suddenly I'm so peaceful, like it's a sunny day when the temperature is just right and I'm laying out by the pool. I'm thinking this is a keeper. It was in our garage because mom bought it at a yard sale but no one was using it so I called dibs. I think I made a good decision.

Here is a list of moments that I do not like:
1. That moment when you go from thinking the boy is your match made in heaven for all eternity to thinking wow, you're really sort of a jerk.
2. The moment when you know you just ate way too much and now you're miserable.
3. That moment when you realize that a friend that you thought you were really close to doesn't really care as much for you as their other friends, because they've chosen them over you.
4. The moment when you realize that something you love isn't what it appears to be.
5. Those moments when it's very clear that adults do not take me seriously.
6. The moments when I feel lonely for no apparent reason.
7. That moment when it clicks in my head that I'm not giving it my all.
8. That moment when I had to give up fairy tales.
9. That moment when you were complaining about your life, and then something hits you in the face and says "You have a mother. You have a father. You have freedom. You have cute clothes and food and talents and different shoes to wear with different things. You live an abundant life, and you're complaining?"

Here is a list of moments I do like:
1. That moment when God's plan is suddenly perfectly clear, and you can see Providence working.
2. That moment when you finally find that someone who is actually there for you, no matter what.
3. The moments when you're silly, and you know it's okay.
4. The moment that you capture a beautiful scene with a camera and you can keep it forever.
5. The moment when you see a daddy holding his daughter's hand and her sweet smile is so huge.
6. That moment when it's suddenly perfectly clear to you that you have a best friend, and that best friend is going to stay your best friend, and never change.
7. Those moments when you're happy just because.

I know I have more bad than good. My optimist side needs a kick in the rear end so maybe it'll start working harder again.

That's all the random stuff, now on to deeper subjects that actually sort of have meaning.

I'm writing my little sister a song for Christmas. It isn't finished yet but almost. This is what I have so far.

I wanna tell you the story of a girl

Her eyes paint a portrait of blue skies

But she doesn’t know

When she was younger she used to believe

And took hold of rich fantasies

And she let them fly, she let them fly

This girl, well she wishes she could be

A well-known celebrity

Loved by all that see her face

 And sometimes I wish I could take her

And show her the mirror

And let her know all I see is glamour, and grace

Every morning I wake up and hear

Her singing songs like she knows the words

Chorus:

[Haley, why can’t you see?

That I’m already your biggest fan

And you don’t to have fame

To change the world]

And I will never really understand

The love she can have for a man

That she never knew

I love listening to her stories

Make you laugh like you wouldn’t believe

That light in her eyes

I wish that I could make you realize

You’re so beautiful, and you don’t even try

[Chorus]

Oh, when will you see?

You’re everything you dreamed that you would be.

I don't think I'm some genius songwriter or anything, it's just really not my forte. I thought it would be a cute idea and I'm really inspired by Haley but even still, songwriting is really hard. Taylor Swift must have a whole lot of inspiration and creativity flowing in her brain, she could probably write about 10 songs in the time it's taken me to write this one. But I want it to be perfect. Which is why I'm not done.

But nevertheless, I'm really glad I could do this for my sister because she is just so unique and genuine and I know sometimes as a teenage girl she feels inferior, but I don't want her to feel that way. She is so beautiful and I'm quite sure that she is completely unaware of that. Maybe this will give her an idea.

Sometimes my patience runs dry with Haley because she's pretty spunky when she's in the mood. She can talk ninety-to-nothing and sometimes she isn't good at letting other people talk when she's in a talkative mood but she doesn't do it intentionally to spite me. I should really work on my patience.

I really love when Haley asks me bible questions even though I don't know the answers. That means she's interested in truth and I'm very proud of her for that. Sometimes I don't think I encourage that enough. It really is a great thing.

All in all I just want her to see how great she really is. Maybe I don't tell her enough.

I know I talk about my best friend a lot but... get over it.

Yesterday I went to Hannah's house along with Lindy Abercrombie and we spent the night snuggling on the couch with Nicolas Sparks movies and squalled our eyes out. I was really in need of some girl time. I love my friends from school but I know where I can completely open up and be completely myself, holding nothing back. It's with Hannah and Lindy. They make me feel so completely at home with myself and what I'm going through. I told them absolutely everything I could think of and got advice and  laughed so hard that even looking back I just have to smile.

If the term "soul mate" applied to best friends then Hannah would be mine. I know a lot of people might think we're weird what with how alike we are and how much time we spend together but honestly, with no rudeness intended, you just can't possibly understand. I honestly would not be here today without that girl. I have no idea who I would be. 

And I don't talk about Mrs. Darla a lot but I love her so much, too. Hannah's mom. I feel like I can approach her just as my own mom. She makes me feel so at home, which I'm very thankful for because I love their home and tend to spend a lot of time there.

I've just got so many wonderful people in my life.

If any of this made sense then I'm greatly surprised.

lately

First of all I would like to say that to anyone who listened to me cry and squall and complain and tell you how hard my life is for the past few days, you're my hero. And I'm sorry for turning into such a downer. I've truly never experienced a time in my life that is this hard before and I feel the need to blog about it because by tomorrow I plan to have it all gone and be back to normal Shauna again.
The first thing you should probably know, in case you don't, is that my Dad has been in the hospital.
Woah.
The last time I was this afraid for my Dad was when he was in a car accident and was taken straight to the ER and we had to wait in the waiting room for like 2 hours before I knew anything.
Except this time, I've waited 5 days and they still don't really and truly know what's causing my Dad to have so much pain.
But luckily it's controlled now, and he can hopefully be home tomorrow. I really hope so. It's one of those things where I truly love my Dad, but maybe in the past I didn't always hug him before I left for school, or just say I love you for no reason, or ask his advice when I'm having a hard time. And now that I can't do all those things it's made me realize how much I really need my Dad, and I don't know what I would do if this was forever.
But luckily it's not, and I know for some people they aren't lucky enough to say that, and to them I am truly sorry. You are much stronger than I will ever be.
Lately I've been thinking about how much my Dad and I are alike. We really are. See Mom and Haley are the detailers. When they hear a story, they want to know everything about it. What time you got there what was the person's middle name what shirt were you wearing how did they say it why? All of those things. See me and Dad, sometimes we just really want to know the ending. We like absolutes, simplicity. We're more of 'sit there and listen' rather than ask questions about it. And it's not like I prefer that over the personality of other people because I love Mom and Haley and love talking to them, but it's just like me and Dad have that connection. I got that from him. I have his hair and his doubts and love for tennis, although his ability surpasses mine tenfold even with all the ridiculous surgeries he's had. He can whoop me anyday. We aren't always good with expressing our feelings, we're afraid to let our emotions show and sometimes we hide it when we're upset. We can't always put feelings into words but writing comes like breathing. My dad can write a letter that will bring you to tears, and he has many times that I've read them. He loves Math and chocolate, and he hates to feel that he has let himself down by not accomplishing his full potential. All these things he has instilled in me. Sometimes I let myself dislike something about myself and then I remember oh, I got that from my Dad, so I smile and all of a sudden I like myself again. :)
So yes, I love my Dad and that's been causing me stress that he isn't at home and nothing is normal.

Sunday I cried all stinkin' day long because Dad wasn't home and Mom wasn't home and I didn't have a boyfriend to cry to and my best friend was busy and my other best friend was gone and I just had to cry. I cried and cried and cried until my stomach just hurt and was in knots and I didn't want to eat.
Then about 1 A.M. I "got sick" (that's my nice word for throw up because I don't particularly like any other word people substitute there). After that I went to bed and felt better but then at 4 A.M. I was wide awake again with that same feeling. It was like something was taking everything in my insides and flipping it all backwards so it didn't fit quite right inside of me, and I thought I would get sick again but I didn't.
I didn't go to school that morning, and Mom left again to go to be with Dad.
I slept and slept and woke up and felt better, so at 11:40 I took the pre-written note that my mother had given me and checked in to school thinking that everything would be okay. I ate graham crackers for breakfast. I was feeling okay.
I got to class and sat down and felt all the eyes on me and the feeling was back. Everything that was so common place in my life had been thrown around inside of me and I couldn't be comfortable there. At 12:00 I said I was sick and went to the nurse. At 12:30 I went to Wal-Mart to get advil and sprite, and I went back home.
(p.s: sprite gets really old when it's the only thing you drink for 24 straight hours. just fair warning.)
So I thought well I must have a stomach virus and so I stayed home and didn't go to band practice after asking and making sure that was okay with Mr. Prather, which it was because of course he wanted me to rest and I'm pretty sure he probably didn't want the whole band with a virus on Saturday for competition.
Yeah, let's add a little bit more stress. I've missed two practices and competition is Saturday. We have one practice left.
So Monday I stayed in bed and just took it easy and thought well, by tomorrow this stomach virus will be gone and I can go to Youth Leadership Thing and it'll all be okay. I'll get caught up. (I had to also get caught up from 2 days last week when I was at the orthodontist/dentist, so that's a lot of catching up to do.)
I also cried a lot on Monday. I cried because I was just lonely and sick. Maybe that's why I was crying.
One time I opened the cabinet and smelled bubble gum candy smell, and almost fell down with the upside down feeling.
My grandparents came over and brought some pretzels with peanut butter in the middle that's good when you have Upset Stomach and "ohhh, I hope you feel better..." I really did feel better because people were here and I love these people and these people really care about me.
This morning the alarm went off and my stomach literally cringed at the sight of the clock. I sat up in bed. Felt queasy. Went back to sleep. 7 A.M. "Shauna, are you feeling better?" "Nnnmmmm..." Slept until 10.

Wake up. Go downstairs and my mom is actually still here, so I sit and talk and we laugh. I eat more of the wonderful peanut butter pretzels and drink a Diet Dr. Pepper, because Sprite just makes me cringe at this point.
Then I started to cry again...
Guys, I'm serious. I've never cried this much in a consecutive order in my entire life. It got to the point where I couldn't even pinpoint the cause anymore, everything was just upside down and nothing could be right.
I had the open book on my lap to study for the three tests I would make up and I just couldn't look at it.
It would help if I weren't an extreme perfectionist who hates making bad grades ever. It's a sickness.
It was just i'm gonna make a bad grade daddy's not here i'm lonely my stomach hurts mom please don't leave why am i such a pessimistic loser my stomach hurts please come home Dad.

And this is the really really really sad part.
My Dad left me on Friday.
I read my Bible.
I said my prayers for meals and before bed.
Mom and I talked about needing God to help us through hard times.

...

I didn't lean on God.


And if I had truly leaned on Him, given Him all my burdens to carry, maybe I wouldn't have made myself sick.
Maybe I could have made a few more people happy instead of making everyone feel bad for me, when truly my Dad is the one they should be truly worried about.
Maybe this break-up wouldn't be so hard if I were more accepting of God's will.
Maybe I'd be a better best friend.
Maybe I wouldn't let my Mom down.
Maybe I would be a better example to my little sister.
Or maybe, I would have been able to see the example of my sister, who has taken everything in stride with God in mind.


I'm ashamed to say that yes, I did think about these things before now.
But I was wallowing in self pity.
I thought well Shauna Blake Baker doesn't have hard times like this. She doesn't deserve to feel this way. Why is everything happening to me? Why can't I just be happy anymore? Why won't God let me be happy?

And truth is, I was the one making myself sick and miserable all the while.







Even looking back on this blog I'm overwhelmed at my uses of personal pronouns.
I would delete it now but I want you all to see that yes, I can be self-absorbed sometimes because I'm human.
But that was wrong.
Everything for the past few days has been I FEEL SICK and I AM LONELY and I NEED ATTENTION. But truly all I needed was to mend my relationship with God.
All I needed to do was just breathe, and relax, and stop stressing over things I can't change.
And STOP thinking I'm the only person in this whole world who deserves to be happy.

My mom deserved to be happy, but she has to drive back and forth every day to see my dad with tubes coming in and out of him, and then see my crying over my little problems.
My dad deserves to be happy, but HE has to be in Birmingham away from his family and in tons of pain and not able to play tennis for months.
My grandparents deserve to be happy and not worry over whether their son will be home anytime soon.
Everyone who has called me, everyone who has checked up on me and my family, everyone who has prayed for us, they deserve the satisfaction of my thanks. Not my pessimism. They haven't done anything wrong.

So I'm sorry to everyone and to my Heavenly Father, who deserves so much more praise and glory than I have given Him. He is forever in control.





And now that all this is behind me, I love my God and I love my family and I just love life and all it's many glorious blessings. I love that trials make me stronger and sorrows always have a way of escape.

And finally, I love myself and that my God made me in His own image. I make mistakes and I've made a whole stinkin' lot these past few days but I'm ready to go into the world and be different and be a soul winner for the cause of my Lord. =)




I've also decided that I will not date until I am married, and that I will never touch Sprite again.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”
- Matthew 11:28-30