things i can't stand

lots of people don't like me. sadly, i realize that i've been extremely naive and didn't actually realize this until... well, this year. more so the past few months. and now it's like i can spot it everywhere, people that really don't like me. i can't say i don't mind, because i've always really enjoyed feeling liked, or at least passively acknowledged, but to be disliked is an entire new concept and i don't think i like it. i guess i always knew that i would be closer to some people than others, and would relate more to a certain crowd than to others. but disliked means that some people aren't happy around me. some people would rather me be silent than speak. some people wish i would just go away. honestly, i'm really not bothered when there is no reason at all for them not to like me. when they just pull harsh feelings out of thin air. but it hurts deeper when they have a basis. perhaps they stretch it a bit, and dramatize my faults and my transgressions... they take a mistake i've made and hold it over my head forever and ever.

worse than being disliked is to be invisible. to be forgotten by someone who used to treasure your friendship like a special gift. to feel like your body is made of glass and all they ever do now is look straight through to the other side of you, without a second thought to who they've overlooked. no matter how loved i feel by people in my life, i still find myself missing that feeling of love that has been replaced with apathy.

i don't like to be forgotten. that's probably my least favorite feeling. and the one that is the most difficult to reverse.

because of all things that you might be able to make people do, you can't make them care.

maybe summer will be a relief from those things i cannot escape. high school exhausts me.