book

i'm going to write a book one day. and it won't be an autobiography because i'm way too boring but it won't be completely fictional because those are only read for fun and i want people to sit up at night reading this book, miss meals and disregard their friends and be so enveloped by it that they can't rest until they've read every word and probably cry a lot and laugh a lot and probably half the time they won't even know what in the world i'm talking about but they'll love to read it anyway

i hope it's one of those books that people will study in their youth groups and pass around their book clubs and give to their daughters and granddaughters for christmas. i hope it makes people listen louder and speak a little softer, i hope it draws them to the sunrise early in the morning and to their bibles late at night when the world is quiet. i hope somebody will write a song about it or paint a picture about it or pray a special prayer because of that book. i hope somebody will let go a little easier or hold on through the fiercest storm. i hope it makes people care about something more than they've ever cared about anything in their lives. i hope it makes them live loud and love deep.

i think i overestimate myself. i get so frustrated with life because i think that i should be doing something more influential and dramatic than completing my senior year of high school in small town alabama but maybe i will always be searching for something bigger. i want to be big. i am so little.

i like to think that God gave me this special anxiety because He has something planned. something in my timeline that will fulfill my enormous desire for change and passionate living and influence, i can sense it but can't see it. or maybe while i'm on earth i will always be small. maybe i will only be big to the people i keep close, maybe i will be big to my children one day. maybe if i work hard enough God will even let me be big for Him like brave women who turn the world upside down

i have so many dreams and maybe i'm a little reckless or maybe i'm just homesick for somewhere i still haven't found yet, but when i do i'll know it and i'll probably write a book about it