one day i hope i'll be able to take a guitar and play it in such a way that people can see my soul from the outside. i love to hear that. i like songs where the words aren't even important. even without the words, you just get it. i want to learn to do that.

deep

Haley asked me to tell her a deep thought I have had recently. Or "the thing you contemplate most." Or something like that.

I felt very simple minded in that I didn't really have anything pressing on my mind that I felt the need to verbalize. And this bothers me. I don't want to be shallow.

Everything that I think about, college and grades and chacos and the mountains and boys, it all seems so simplistic compared to what she thinks about. What causes people to choose good or evil. Why does childhood seem to be becoming shorter and shorter as our society's morality declines. If you were born of a different race, into a different family, into a different era of a different continent, would you be the same? How would you be the same? And so what really defines us? And on what grounds can we be judged when our personalities are so distinctly affected by uncontrollable circumstances?

It must be very burdensome to have a mind that always contemplates questions for which we can never really know the answer. Personally I would rather relax, let the worries slip through fingers onto guitar strings, let the world keep turning and keep its questions to itself.

sad post

I feel like tragedy is striking all around me full force and logically I've got to be next but I'm not ready.

I want to hike, into a high high mountain, far away from sadness and dying and leaving. Closer to God and His beautiful things and far away from the sad things. So I won't forget that there are beautiful things.

And maybe I can get ready.

the temple of God

your body = a special present that (should be) for your husband

walking around naked (yes, you're naked) = letting everyone else see the present

your wedding night = giving your husband a box that's been opened and resealed numerous times, a present that's been used but made to look like new

purity isn't just about sex. it's how you dress, how you carry yourself, how you TALK, WHAT you talk about

also, watch this


^"Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s." 1 Corinthians 6:18-20


"I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Matthew 5:28

clippings of my soul for today

How long have I been in this storm?
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form
Water's getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you
Everything would be all right
If I'd see you
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water
And you will catch me if I fall
And I will get lost into your eyes
I know everything will be alright
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface


"Storm" by Lifehouse



"Inside the bundle Ama packed for me are: my bowl, my hairbrush, the notebook my teacher gave me for being the number one girl in school, and my bedroll. Inside my head I carry: my baby goat, my baby brother, my ama's face, our family's future. My bundle is light. My burden is heavy."


"I have been beaten here, locked away, violated a hundred times and a hundred times more. I have been starved and cheated, tricked and disgraced. How odd it is that I am undone by the simple kindness of a small boy with a yellow pencil."


- "Sold" by Patricia McCormick


Tomorrow is my very last band banquet. I miss my best friend. I am confused and startled. I am lucky. My burden feels heavy, but to some it's light as glass.

hmm.

My exact thoughts right now.

Thank you, God, for letting that happen. I got angry. I didn't understand.

But now I don't know who I would be if it didn't.


It's almost a little hilarious how upset we get when people do us wrong, plans get changed, priorities get shifted, people leave. Who would we be if nothing were ever wrong? What character can be shown when there are no obstacles to overcome? And all the while we think the world is ending, God is guiding us down a path we didn't even know existed. And that's why He's in charge.

puzzle pieces

I think life is composed of transition. I used to think that there were only humongous transitions like SAVED and MARRIED and BABIES and RETIREMENT but that turned out to be not true at all. A lot of things I used to think have turned out to be not true at all. Maybe life is composed of those realizations too.

I just got back from my very last honor band. To most people that sounds about as significant as losing a sock but to me it felt like a part of me died, quite literally. Because I'm me when I'm at honor band. So I feel like that part of me died. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I did cry a little bit.

But really I didn't intend to talk about honor band, I was gonna talk about this one song we played. I say we: this band composed of extraordinary musicians that I somehow came to be a part of played this song. And I knew during the 11 hours that we rehearsed that I would have to cry when I heard that song for the last time. And sure enough, I did. Funny how I can gauge my emotions like that, I think I'm beginning to get to know myself better.

That song was so beautiful, and I think it really summed up why honor band is such a part of me. You take 170 people and bottle up all their passion and then everything is silent and then the silence breaks with all of our passions flowing together. And I really think in that moment I got this little puzzle piece for my soul that God saw I was missing. So I cried. I played horribly. But it was worth it.